Undead Alchemist

by Kat Cotton

“Just leave it, Clementine.”

  “You don’t have to be embarrassed about your love. Closets are for clothes, Mayor, and love is love. Even if it’s the love between a public official who’s built a platform on fighting the paranormal and someone who actually is that paranormal you’re fighting. Wow, it really is a forbidden love. I bet you wish now that you’d been a bit more broad-minded about that whole ‘eliminating vampires’ thing back in the day.”

  “It’s no worse than you dating a vampire.”

  “There’s a major difference. I’ve never been known as a person with high morals, especially when it comes to sleeping with demons and all that.”

  We found the narrow alley where we’d been the night before. I didn’t want to say anything to the mayor, but someone had been following us since we left the cafe. It hardly seemed worth mentioning, since I had people shadowing me every time I went anywhere in Prague. This person—and it was definitely a human person as far as I could tell—wasn’t even particularly good at it.

  “Any memories flooding back? Like maybe that’s the doorway where you first kissed Nic?” I asked the mayor, trying to be jovial. It was best to look like I had no idea I was being followed.

  Okay, I admit it, the teasing was fun. I had so much history of both Nic and the mayor hassling me about my clothes and my slackness that revenge tasted really sweet.

  The mayor blushed again. Oh, today was so awesome.

  The crime scene proved to be pretty lacking in clues. If there were any, they’d been swept away by the hundreds of tourists trampling down the lane. There was no police tape, nothing blocking off the site.

  “I know the Council want to keep this low-key, but surely they could keep the crime scene uncontaminated.”

  The mayor nodded. “True, but that’s not how they want to play it.”

  “But we’re supposed to do their dirty work. Were there any witnesses? The guy was on a tour. Surely the other people in the tour group saw it. The tour leader? Do they have leads on them?”

  “They don’t want us talking to them.”

  “Bloody hell. What are we supposed to do, then? It’s not like we can snap our fingers and magic up this undead alchemist. If they want us to find him, they could meet us halfway.”

  My wrists zapped again, and I stomped my feet. If the ground hadn’t been so sludgy, I’d have lain down and thrown a full-on tantrum, toddler style. This situation sucked so much. Damn the Council. Damn their mind-controlling and their stupid interference in my life.

  “Hey, we should check out that cake shop over there. I bet there’s some awesome clues about the undead alchemist in there.”

  The mayor gave me a look that let me know he wasn’t fooled one bit by that. But, hey, cakes.

  “If you took Nic a cake, he’d really like it.” I shot the mayor a huge grin.

  “It’s not like that, Clementine.”

  I nudged him. “So, what is it like? Did he do that amazing thing with his mouth on your stomach?”

  “No! Come on, I’ll buy you a cake.”

  Oh, long could I milk this for? Getting free cake was just an added bonus. All the cakes looked delicious, but I settled on the honey cake. They boxed it up so I could take it home. Did they know me? Cake wouldn’t last that long. And, since I was being mind-controlled, I needed to eat my feelings.

  “If you got one for Nic,” I said, “I could leave it, all secret-like, outside his door. He’d love that. Just never mention you bought him the cake. He’ll know, and it’ll make him all gooey inside.”

  “Clementine. Do you think I’m stupid? Secret cake would be cake that you eat yourself.”

  The mayor wasn’t wrong. He also didn’t buy me new clothes. This situation was getting dire.

  I didn’t realize just how dire until we got back to the hotel and Baldy was sitting in the lobby waiting for us. That couldn’t be a good thing in any way.

  Chapter 20 Baldy

  “INTERESTING CHOICE of hotel,” Baldy said to the mayor.

  The mayor nodded. I’d wondered about that too.

  “Got to keep expenses down,” he said. “I’ve got taxpayers back home to answer to.”

  That made no sense. If he caught the undead alchemist, he’d have gold aplenty. Also, the mayor never seemed that worried about spending public money. I had a suspicion that he wanted to be far enough from the Council offices that they couldn’t keep too close an eye on him.

  I sat down with Baldy and smiled, but I darted a look around for Nic and Kisho. Baldy would know they were here, but that didn’t mean I wanted them flaunting themselves in front of him. After all, they were vampires, and they’d tried to rescue me from his dungeon. It wouldn’t help to remind him of that. Also, if Nic and the mayor started acting weird around each other, it was best that Baldy didn’t see it.

  “I need to check your logs,” Baldy said.

  “Logs?” My mind went to some strange places.

  “Your investigation logs. As you know, all demon fighters are required to keep them.”

  I leaned back. That was news to me. I’d never, in my entire history of fighting demons, kept a log book. It seemed like a crock of necessary paperwork. Sometimes I kept a file after I’d finished a case because you never knew when you’d make some extra cash doing follow-up, but that was a whole other issue. I didn’t think my crock theory would fly with Baldy, though.

  “The investigation has been moving too fast for us to keep up with the paperwork,” the mayor said. “I’m sure you wouldn’t want us to hold back on the legwork just so you’ll have a paper trail.”

  Usually, the mayor’s political doubletalk annoyed me, but I could see how it could come in handy.

  Baldy coughed. “Be that as it may, we do need to keep track of your whereabouts.”

  I’d had thought the mayor was all buddy-buddy with these guys, but they obviously had their suspicions about him. They weren’t giving him a lot of leeway, that’s for sure.

  “Aren’t the tracking device in my cuffs and the people you have trailing us enough?” I asked.

  That made Baldy sit up and pay attention. “We don’t have anyone trailing you.”

  “Yeah, cut the bullshit. I know you do.”

  “I’m afraid you’re wrong about that. We do have some trust in you.”

  “I reckon. I’d trust someone if I had them cuffed and tagged, too. But there’s someone lurking around us.”

  “You don’t think it’s the alchemist?” Baldy said.

  “Nope. They’re human, and they’re pretty crap at staying covert.”

  “Well, I can guarantee you that our men wouldn’t be so quick to attract your attention. If they were tailing you, you wouldn’t even see them. You’re sure whoever is tracking you is human?”

  “They don’t smell of vampire or demon, I know that much. I can’t say a hundred percent that they’re human, but I’m pretty certain. So, is that all you wanted?”

  The sooner Baldy got out of here, the better. Any minute now, Kisho or Nic could wander out to the lobby. If I got out my phone to message them, it’d just draw Baldy’s attention, but I wanted to warn them to stay away.

  “Henceforth—”

  “Did you just say ‘henceforth’?” I said. “Like, in a non-ironic way? Jeez, I’ve never heard anyone use that word in a normal conversation.” I couldn’t help but interrupt.

  “Yes, I did, Ms. Starr. Now, let me continue.”

  I nodded. Mocking Baldy just delayed him. I’d mock him behind his back after he’d left, instead.

  “Henceforth, we would like prior knowledge of your plans. Where you’re going, whom you plan to speak to, that type of thing. We can’t just let you run wild around the city.”

  I wondered if the “running wild” reference meant he’d heard about our drunken adventures. That was so not my fault, but I didn’t plan to mention it. No point giving Baldy that information if he didn’t already know about it.

  Baldy turned to the mayor. “I trust you’ll comply
with our wishes.”

  “I’m not sure I can plan that far in advance,” the mayor said.

  “Surely, you have an action plan? You must have some schedule of events for this investigation.”

  I scoffed inwardly. Most of our plans so far hadn’t been organized. In fact, pretty much my entire life to this point had little forethought to it. I wasn’t one of those by-the-book demon fighters. I worked on instinct and luck. Also, I had no incentive to find this alchemist, but I had a lot of incentive to make the most of my freedom.

  “Whom do you plan to speak with?” Baldy asked. “I need a list of names.”

  “We can’t really do that,” I said. “I mean, we can give you a general idea. There’s the old guy at reception here, and the staff in the hipster café, and the old lady who sells the delicious tube cakes down by the river, but other than that, we just talk to people as we find them. We don’t put much forethought into it.”

  “You’ve worked out the most expeditious way to join the tours, surely? You must have some kind of plan for that.”

  “Yep, sure. We’ll send it to you,” I said, swapping glances with the mayor.

  “Yes, yes,” the mayor said. “It’s on my laptop. I’ll mail it through to you.”

  “And, hey, Bald—ah, Bazza, it’d be nice if we got some assistance on this. Like, keeping crime scenes clean and not blocking us from speaking to people. I know you want to keep this hush-hush, but we can’t pull an alchemist out of thin air. We need that information.”

  Baldy sighed. “We have to be careful. We’ve interviewed those involved with the case last night.”

  “Well, at the very least, you could give us access to those interviews. And maybe shut down some of the ghost tours. It’s the middle of winter—there can’t be too many tourists wanting to trounce around in the freezing cold. Fewer ghost tours means less for us to cover. I’m only one person. Anyway, nice talking to you.”

  I stood up, hoping he’d get the hint. He stood up too. Yes! I didn’t want to punch the air in front of him, but seeing the back of him would make my day.

  After he’d left the hotel, I headed back to my room.

  “Clementine, where are you going?” the mayor asked.

  “Bed. Bed is best. Bed with Kisho is even better.”

  “Not so fast. We told Barry we’d send this document to him. A document that doesn’t exist. That means we have to create one.”

  I was about to say that “we” had said nothing of the kind, that the mayor had been alone in that, but one look at the mayor’s face was enough to tell me that I should just shut up.

  “Okay, but that old man can make me a coffee. This is cutting into my sex time in a big way.”

  Chapter 21 Chemistry

  “NIC, YOU DON’T NEED to be here to dress me every time I do a ghost tour,” I said.

  “I think we both know that’s not true,” he replied.

  But then someone knocked on my door, and Nic’s head spun around as though he was looking for an escape route.

  “You can jump out the window if you like, but it’s probably the reception guy with my coffee.”

  I opened the door. It was the mayor. Ha, the fun would begin now.

  “Come in,” I said.

  When he saw Nic, he flinched. With the two of them trapped together in my tiny room, they had to sort things out. I could feel the chemistry flying. The air almost crackled.

  “I should go check where my coffee is,” I said. “Kisho, come with me.”

  The two of us left the room, and I shut the door. Kisho started to walk toward the reception desk.

  “Wait,” I hissed. The door to my room opened, but I blocked the doorway. “Neither of you is going anywhere until you work this out.”

  Kisho leaned against the wall, grinning at me.

  “It was just a one-night stand, Clem Starr,” Nic said. “There’s nothing to work out.”

  “It wasn’t even a full one-night stand,” the mayor added.

  Nic agreed. “It wasn’t even third base.”

  The mayor coughed.

  “Okay, there was a little bit of third base,” Nic said. “But not a lot. If you don’t let me out, Clem Starr, I’ll let everyone know about your weird sex noises.”

  “Since two of the other three people here already know what noises I make during sex, that’s no threat,” I told him. “And I don’t really care if the mayor knows. Hell, he’s sleeping in the room next door to us. He’s probably heard it all.”

  Both Nic and the mayor went quiet, but I heard whispers. I wanted to get them together, but I didn’t want to be their common enemy. If they ganged up on me, they’d make my life hell.

  “You probably should let them out, Clem,” Kisho said. “In case they start making out on our bed.”

  “Eww.” I opened the door. Kisho had a point. I didn’t want Nic’s and the mayor’s bodily fluids in my room.

  As soon as I got out of the way, the mayor fled to his own room.

  “Thanks for letting everyone else in this hotel find out about my sex life,” Nic hissed.

  “Is there actually anyone else staying at this hotel?” I asked. “There was that German tour group the other day, but since they checked out, I haven’t seen anyone else, not even in the breakfast room. Maybe the undead alchemist fed on them all. German tourists would be all plump and juicy.”

  Nic didn’t laugh. He glared at me. “I hope that vampire gets you. I hope he drains all the blood from your body.”

  I slammed him up against the wall. “Take that back. That’s a terrible thing to say when I’m about to go out and put my life on the line.”

  Nic scowled, then he got that I was serious. “Sorry.”

  I let him go, and he brushed himself off.

  “So you should be,” I said.

  “But if you ever pull a stunt like that again, I’ll kill you myself,” he said.

  “So, it was just a drunken fumble? There’s no deeper feelings there?”

  “None at all.”

  Okay, so maybe that wasn’t as funny as I’d first thought, but Nic didn’t need to overreact to that extent.

  Anyway, I couldn’t worry about Nic’s love life. This tour wasn’t going to take itself.

  Chapter 22 Hellhound

  “NIC’S LEAVING,” KISHO said.

  Why the hell was Nic leaving? We were a team. He couldn’t just decide to go, not when I was in jeopardy. I’d talk some sense into him.

  When we got to Nic’s room, I saw that he’d laid all his clothes out in neat piles on the bed. Jeez, he knew nothing about packing. The main thing is that it’s useless to have things all ironed and folded nicely, because your clothes just end up crumpled anyway. While Nic wasn’t looking, I moved one of the shirts in the middle of the pile about ten degrees to the left. That would drive him mad.

  “You can’t leave,” I said.

  “I have to get back. Hellhound is sick.”

  My stomach lurched. Hellhound was my dog, even if Nic had claimed him. And now he was sick. Why had no one told me? I needed to know these things. Poor Hellhound.

  “Shit. Is he going to be okay? What’s wrong?”

  “I think so, but he might need an operation. It’s not that serious, but I want to be there for him.”

  “Maybe I should, too. Ouch. Damn these cuffs. I can’t even go home to be with my dog in his hour of need.”

  “He’s not your dog, Clem Starr.”

  I let that go because Nic’s eyes looked like they were filling with tears. It broke my heart, seeing him so upset. It broke my heart more that I couldn’t go with him.

  “When do you leave?” I asked.

  Nic looked at his watch. “Soon. I have to rush. Sorry, guys. You’re going to have to do all this on your own.”

  “We can handle it. It’s more important that you’re there for Hellhound. Poor little guy.”

  Nic’s lip trembled. He really loved that dog a lot.

  I left him to his packing and went back t
o my room. I needed to work out the next step in catching this damn alchemist. The best way to figure things out would be to dick around on the Internet.

  I went on Facebook. That was essential research.

  Luis had posted some cute pics of Hellhound romping around the yard. He was chasing a butterfly. That was so damned cute. I called out to Kisho to come have a look.

  Then it hit me. “I’m going to kill him!”

  “Who? Hellhound?” Kisho said.

  “Not Hellhound. Nic. How can Hellhound be romping around, being all cute and perky, if he’s so sick that Nic needs to hurry home? Nic is so full of shit. These photos were posted today.”

  I got up and stomped down the corridor. “Nic! Open this door. Now!”

  The door swung open, and Nic stood there with his suitcase. “This had better be quick. I’m in a rush to get to the airport,” he said.

  “Yeah, you are. To get home to your sick dog.” I held up my phone with the photo of Hellhound. “He sure looks sick.”

  Nic looked away.

  “You cannot ever use Hellhound’s health to avoid things, Nic. Not ever. It’s not like you to lie, so tell me, what the fuck is going on?”

  That super-charming, extra bright smile of his would not sway me. Not when he’d gotten me all worried about my dog. Not when he’d gotten me all sympathetic about him, either.

  I pushed him back into the room. “Spill the beans, Nic. This is about you and the mayor. Ring and cancel your flight, then we’ll get this shit sorted out.”

  “I didn’t actually book a flight.”

  I picked up a pillow from the bed and bashed him with it until Kisho joined us and took the pillow from me.

  Then I grabbed Nic’s hand. “Come on, we’re going out.”

  “Where?”

  “This is a serious emotional issue. You think you can work through this without cake? Cake is a pivotal part of emotional shit.”

  “I don’t want cake.” Nic folded his arms and pouted like a petulant teenager.

  “Don’t make me hit you. Because if you ever say something like that again, I will hit you. No, I won’t just hit you, I’ll stake you. There are some things in this life you don’t joke about, and not wanting cake is at the top of that list.”