“Daddy spanked me for doing it myself last night.” Tears pooled in my eyes. “Tell me what to do so no one will hit me,” I cried. I was so scared at the moment, sobbing and frightened.
She got out a washcloth and got it wet she handed it to me and I cleaned myself off. I put the washcloth in the laundry and wash my shaking hands. The heat raising to my face had already turned into a pounding headache. I felt so dizzy and I just needed a break from all this stress.
I turned to Nanny. She looked scared too. I took a deep breath but it was too late. I dropped to the floor like a sack of potatoes. I hit my head on the counter on the way down. My hands flew up to my head sending more blood rushing to my face. I felt sick. Nanny wasn't sure what to do. That was a first. I crawled over to the toilet and threw up what little I had eaten for lunch. I stayed there waiting to see what Nanny expected of me now. I wanted her to like me so much but I was making a mess out if everything.
Nanny walked past me and out to her bedroom. She was on the phone again. “She passed out after her nap. She fell in the bathroom and hit her head on the countertop pretty hard. She threw up then. Should I bring her in?”
“Yes, we'll be right there.” She hung up and dialed again. “We will be needing the limousine this afternoon. I will be down in five minutes.” She hung up. Nanny's position was higher than the drivers that was for sure.
She came back to me. “Amelia I want you to try to brush your teeth before we go to Daddy.” She was getting it ready as she spoke.
I sat up slowly, the room was still spinning. I reached for the toothbrush but I didn't get up off the floor. I brushed and spit into the toilet. I was curious about what would happen next. Going to see Daddy, what could that mean? It sounded like he would meet us and we would go to the doctor's office together.
Nanny came back with my shoes. She took my toothbrush and changed me into a different outfit. She helped me with my shoes and I slowly pulled myself up to standing. I leaned on her as she lead me out of the door. She grabbed her purse as we went through her room. I had to wonder what she did on the weekends.
She was so close by, had she heard what had all happened? I had screamed out in pain lots of times. The thought of someone hearing that embarrassed me.
The limo was indeed waiting. Nanny got me in the car and then she whispered to the driver where she wanted to go. I had to wonder about Daddy. He had always used the limousine. Did they have two of them or did the driver drive him to work and come back home, or what? I leaned on Nanny's shoulder. I was dizzy from the walk down to the car. I hoped Daddy would carry me wherever we had to go.
We drove awhile and then we were in the middle of the city and traffic moved very slowly. I tried not to move at all. If I kept really still then I wouldn't be sick again. I hoped. I had eaten so little lately that I must be empty.
We pulled into an underground parking lot. The limousine stopped next to the elevators. Nanny opened the door and the smell of car exhaust hit me making me worry about my stomach again. Where was Daddy? I wanted my Daddy badly. He was always saying that he could make things all better. That's what I wanted right now.
Nanny pulled me out and had me on my feet. I swooned but she caught me and pulled me to the elevators. I leaned against the wall. That disgusted Nanny beyond words but I just couldn't stand. I just wanted to sit down on the floor. She should have been proud that I didn't do that.
The elevator went ping. I stumbled out hoping for a waiting room with chairs. Nanny linked her arm in mine and marched me down a hallway and in through glass doors. She set me down on a pink padded chair. She went to the receptionist and then she hurried back to me.
The walk up here had been too much for me. I raised my hand up to my mouth. “Nanny.”
“Not again.” She grabbed my arm and brought me to a bathroom. She wetted a couple of paper towels and held them to my forehead after I had finished.
I slowly got up and looked at her. “Nanny, what happened?”
She looked so surprised again. “You passed out and hit your head.”
My hand lifted to my head. I had blood in my hair. Nanny grabbed my hand and wash it off and then she washed my mouth out. She dabbed it dry. She pulled a toothbrush and toothpaste out of her purse.
After I was minty fresh she brought me back out to the waiting room. We sat and I looked around a little. That was when I noticed that I was the oldest one here.
When they started something, they went the whole way. This was a pediatrician’s office. There were mothers here with their children and me with Nanny. The mothers eyed me and then each other. They were trying to guess my age. I thought they should be looking at my wedding ring but they didn't think that I was that far advanced.
Daddy was walking towards me. “I hit my head,” I whined.
“I heard.” He smiled at me and picked me up in his arms and carried me back to one of the rooms.
The mothers had been smiling as we left. They thought I was cute. They should have seen me throwing up a few minutes ago. I hadn't been so cute then.
The room was big and bright with a glass wall and a huge glass desk.
Daddy laid me down on an examination table with paper on it. He looked at the bump. “Amelia, how do you do that?” he scolded me.
“Nanny said I passed out.”
He turned to look at Nanny. “Why did she pass out?”
I wondered what she was going to say. Would she tell him that I had asked her to tell me what to do so I wouldn't get hit?
“It came out of nowhere. She had just woken from her nap and had to go to the bathroom. It happened when she was washing her hands. She just fell down.”
He turned his attention back to me. His eyes narrowed in on me. “Has that ever happened before.”
I tried to think if it had but I came up with nothing. “No, Daddy.”
“Well you need stitches. And you threw up too?”
“Twice in the meantime. Just now, here at the practice, about five minutes ago,” Nanny answered for me.
“So you got a concussion. Daddy will make it better. Nanny held on to her while I get the things I need to fix her up. Nanny was right to bring you in.” He hurried off.
“When is the doctor coming, Nanny?”
She tried to stifle a laugh when Daddy came back in with a nurse.
The nurse smiled at me brightly. “It's so nice meeting you.” She was one of those perky blond types. The type that had always felt sorry for me at school.
“It's nice to meet you too,” I answered her with as much of a smile as I could muster up while Daddy was carefully parting my hair out of the way so he could better see where I had hit my head.
“Alcohol,” he called out and the nurse handed it to him. He took it without really looking at it or at her. He dabbed it on my open gash. It burnt. “You are doing really well, Amelia.”
The nurse handed him strange looking needles. “Doctor,” she said.
My eyes darted back to the desk. The back of the picture frame had looked so familiar to me. If I stood up and went over to the picture and turned it around would I see myself in a wedding dress and him in a tuxedo?
He was looking at me, watching me as the wheels turned in my head. How fitting he was a pediatrician, who worked with children every day. And he thought that they were so cute that he wanted one all to himself. Why hadn't he adopted?
Sex. He wanted to have sex with his little girl. Me walking into my father's office in my school uniform. My father kicking me out. He saw an opportunity and jumped at it. My mind jumped from one thing to the next. I flinched, he had started sewing.
“I'll be very careful so the scar is tiny. You're lucky as a doctor's wife and don't have to wait for hours to get an appointment . . .” he continued to babble on so I wouldn't say anything.
I couldn't have if I would have wanted to. It was so obvious now. Of course he hadn't wanted me for me. How naïve was I in my hope? He wanted someone to play this game with him and I had been at the
right place at the right time. It could have very easily been someone else.
I was in no way special to him, other than that he had already invested a lot of time and money in me. I felt my depression coming back in full force.
My thoughts circled around escape. How could I get myself out of this mess? Would he let me go, now that I knew? He wouldn't, he would beat me if I tried. I couldn't run unless it was foolproof. Until then I had to continue to play along and keep in mind that this wasn't a game to him. He took this very seriously. He saw me as his.
He was finished. I looked him in the eyes. I had tears in mine, as usual.
He looked back at me for a second and then turned away and put his things back on the tray. He gave the tray to the nurse who turned and left then. I knew Nanny was still in the room too but I only had eyes for him. I was watching him like I thought he would offer an explanation for his actions. I just knew that he hadn't married me out of love. He had been intrigued with me. Basically I fit the bill, young but old enough for this to be legal, a virgin, in desperate need of a home. I felt so ashamed of myself. My father had set me up for this with his hate for me. I would never know love in life.
And the truth was that I was just as guilty as he was. I didn't marry him for love either. I had liked that he paid attention to me. Not a good reason to marry someone. I had been too chicken to live on my own. I had wanted someone to care for me. I set myself up too.
I heard the door open and then close. I looked up to see who had come in. No one had. I looked around the room, Nanny was gone. It was just us. He had a hand on my knee. He moved me so I was sitting up.
Dozens of questions went through my head but the question I asked was so elemental that it would decide if I would try to stay or not. “Do you even love me?” I asked it as if this was something so impossible, so unthinkable that it couldn't be.
His jaw dropped in surprise. “Amelia, you are the most important thing in my life. I love you more than my own life. I would do anything for you.” He sat down on his doctor chair. He took my hands in his and he looked up to me.
“Would you stop?”
His head sank. He laid it on our hands. He didn't answer. We sat there in silence for a long time until I couldn't take it anymore. I sighed in my disappointment. I raised my head up and looked away from him. I thought about the picture our bodies would present to someone who saw us. He was holding onto me with his head bowed to me. I was sitting straight and looking away from him. He was begging and I was saying 'no' and pushing him away.
“I know I have made a lot of mistakes and that I have hurt you but I'm learning and things will get better. You will like your life with me. We can be happy with each other. I know we can be, Amelia.” He was looking up at me now. I saw it out of the corner of my eye. I had my eyes fixed on the window. I looked out at another glass building. It reflected all the buildings surrounding us.
I remember begging him to stop. I remember holding on to his leg for dear life while he whipped me. I was so alone. More alone than the loneliness I had been trying to avoid. My head sank too. I would never be happy. “My greatest wish was to be happy. I envisioned the sun shining down on me. I imagined holding someone's hand and being loved and wanted, for me.” The tears silently fell from my eyes.
I gave myself a mental shake. I was just keeping him from his patients. If he was sleeping with me then he wouldn't hurt them. I served a purpose. My life for theirs. I pulled my hands away from his. “This is fine now.” I pointed to my head. “I won't bother you anymore.” I slipped down to the floor. I wasn't so dizzy anymore. I still didn't meet his eye.
“I can do this better. Give me a chance, Amelia. I'll show you.” He laid his head against my stomach.
“Does it matter? If things don't work out you wouldn't let me leave anyway. The only escape for me is out of a second story window.” I tried to push away from him. He wouldn't let me go, proving me right. “Nanny is waiting.”
“She can wait. Don't worry about her.” He was trying to catch my eye but I kept darting them around. “I'm not finished with you yet. I need to find out why you passed out.”
“I can tell you why.” I was trying to get out of the deadlock hold he had on me.
“Tell me.” He was calm, acting like I wasn't pushing him away with all my might.
I stopped and looked at him. “Because I realized I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't. I realized that no matter what I did I would end up getting hit. I don't have a breath of a chance.”
“Amelia, don't see it that way. I really do want to take care of you and be good to you.”
“But I'm afraid of you. So afraid.” I looked away again. “I'm constantly afraid that I will do some little thing that you don't like and you will hit me again. I have to ask myself if my next action will get you mad. You can't imagine being that afraid of someone.” I sighed. “I have to protect myself. If I don't do it, no one will. I have to look out for me.”
“I'm protecting you. I'll look out for you.”
“No. It doesn't matter. I've always had to do it. I'm used to it. I can do it. I've had a lot of practice. I just made one mistake.”
“I don't want you to be afraid of me.” He held me closer.
“Yes, you do. It's all part of it, having that much power over me. You have the power to hurt me or to be nice to me. When you are nice I have to wonder how long. If you are hurting me I have to wonder if I will survive it.”
He squeezed me even tighter hurting me, again proving me right.
I broke down and sobbed as he held me. He seemed oblivious to my tears. I was so young and already my life was over. I felt my sadness run through my body. It was like needle pricks all over my skin ending and lingering at my fingertips.
I had been married less than two weeks and I already hated it. There was no way out of it.
He set me down and let me go. He opened a drawer that was within his reach. “I need to take some blood.” He didn't meet my eyes. “You have a concussion so I need to control your heartbeat if you sleep. I think the best thing is to stay up really late tonight. Do you want to watch a couple of movies?”
I got the point, we were going to pretend that that conversation didn't happen. That was probably the best for me anyway. Then I might not be punished for it.
“Amelia, movie night?” He had completely regained his composure.
“Sure, why not.” My basic instinct to keep myself safe kicked in. He had my arm laid out with the palm of my hand facing up. Just like when he gave me my medicine. The routine of this was already in place with the only difference being that this time he was taking something out. He was very quick about it and it didn't hurt. I hardly noticed that he was doing it. He could be so gentle when he wanted to be. I thought about the lashes on my back, he didn't always want to be.
“Or maybe we could go to a broadway show? Would you like that? My secretary can get us tickets for something. Should I ask her to try? I just have a couple of hours to work and then we could go out for dinner and a show. You know, do something typical for New York.”
“I'm not dressed for anything like that and I was sick recently.” I was still too depressed for something like that. I just wanted to go to bed and lick my wounds.
“Nanny can take you shopping while I finish up here. I have other clothes here too. They are still here from my dating days.” He smiled at that thought.
I had to wonder who he had dated. I hoped it wasn't patients of his. Girls old enough to go to their doctor's appointment alone but not old enough to sign a contract?
“It is expected of me to be at certain places at certain times with a date. You are going to have to do that with me now. If we are together then it will be fun. Not the chore it used to be. Come on, say yes. The sooner you say yes the sooner we can make reservations.”
I was just looking at him. He seemed so different than at home. He couldn't hit me in a crowd of people, could he? “Sure. Dinner and a show.” Was that what he wanted
to hear?
He got up and went to his phone. He pressed down on a button and started speaking. He told his secretary what he wanted. His secretary not a nurse.
“What do you actually do?” I asked when he came back to me.
His mood was elated. “Well, as you have seen today I am a pediatrician and because of who I am I also have business matters to tend to. I operate out of here. Like I said before we were married, everything is legal.” He leaned in and kissed me.
The door flew open and a nurse came in. It was a different one. She stood there with her mouth hanging open. I looked down and laughed a little. I could guess what she was thinking. She wasn't that far from the truth either. I had just never been a patient of his beforehand.
He was smiling and trying not to laugh.
“Mary, come in and meet my wife.”
She looked so relieved. I reached my hand out to her and smiled at her.
“How do you do. It is a pleasure to meet you. He has talked nonstop about you.” She was babbling in her nervousness.
“All good, I hope.” I said automatically. He was still leaning in on me. I felt a burst of air on my ear as he laughed at that.
“Yes, of course. He speaks very positively about you.” She blushed even more.
I smiled at her. Then I looked at him. His face was so close to mine. We probably did look like the newlyweds that we actually were.
“Mrs. Wittman wants to know what is taking so long. She has another appointment at five that she can't miss.”
“Well then, we can't have Mrs. Wittman's hairdresser waiting for her when she has a sick child. I'll be right with her.” He was acting so playful.
The nurse left. She was probably glad to get out of the embarrassing situation.
He let his finger slide down my cheekbone. “Wait here. Nanny will come and get you. I want you to buy an incredibly expensive dress and everything that goes with it and then come back to me here and I will take you out on the town. Show you off a little.” He kissed me again. This was him trying to be normal. How long could he do that?
He walked to the door and stopped and turned to me before he opened it. “Get your hair and nails done. If you want I can hold up Mrs. Wittman and you can have her appointment?” he joked.
Daddy's Sweetheart (Part 1) (Daddy's Sweetheart (Part1)) Page 14
