The Dust Will Never Settle

by Deva, Mukul

  ‘Same old, same old.’ Chance smiled. ‘What’s he doing here? A bit far from the House of Lords, is he not?’

  ‘An important meeting… but mostly for the Games.’ Chance’s natural secretiveness had reasserted itself. ‘So … what brings you here?’

  ‘The Games.’ Ruby eagerly grabbed at the excuse Chance had provided. ‘And I just needed to get away for a bit.’

  She studied him and decided it had been an innocent question. He stood with his head cocked slightly to the right, a smile dancing on his face, his bright blue eyes taking her in. The sight made her heart beat faster. It was that smile that had first ignited desire in her.

  Ruby’s mind flipped back to the first time they had met.

  They had been working on putting down an Iranian spy ring which counter-intelligence had chanced upon during an audit of the British nuclear facilities. They’d identified four British scientists who were involved. A British-bred Iranian lawyer who operated out of Kensington had recruited them; he was obviously the spymaster. Chance and Ruby were part of the MI6 team keeping him under surveillance.

  At first Chance had come across as a slick lady-killer type, the kind she detested. It took her a while to realize that he was anything but that. It was the delicious fajitas he bought for their third stakeout that broke the ice.

  ‘Lovely,’ Ruby said as she took another bite. ‘Where did you buy these?’

  ‘I didn’t,’ he replied between mouthfuls, his eyes still fixed on the spymaster’s house. ‘Made them myself.’

  ‘Yeah, right.’ Ruby laughed, then seeing that he was serious, changed tack. ‘You cook very well.’

  ‘Thanks.’ He smiled. ‘Never had an option, you see. Mum died when I was eight. So just dad and me,’ he said, his attention still on the house. Ruby was surprised at the ease with which he opened up. ‘And dad!’ Chance laughed. ‘He had a soldier’s palate. He’d eat anything put in front of him. Not me… I couldn’t handle the tripe he churned out, so I learnt to cook. No option.’ He laughed softly at the memory.

  They both focused on the fajitas. The silence was companionable. It lasted longer than the fajitas did.

  It was during those long stakeouts that they had come to know and like each other. The more time they spent together the closer they became. Ruby certainly did, and he reciprocated. But both were also smart enough to know that office romances were frowned upon. Things would not have progressed if it hadn’t been for the way that assignment had ended.

  It so happened that the lawyer–spymaster had picked up on the surveillance – perhaps one of the agents had slipped up, or he was smarter than he seemed. But the lawyer made the mistake of calling up his controller before attempting to leave the country. Alerted that he was going to make a break for it, both the MI6 teams on watch were ordered to bring him in.

  Chance and Ruby were watching the front of the house and neither expected the bugger to come out shooting, but he did.

  They were approaching the front door, Chance a step ahead of her, when the spymaster flew out. Ruby saw him first, but by then he was almost upon them. She saw the gun in his hand and knew they were too late. It was up and levelled at Chance.

  Ruby shouted and threw herself straight into the line of fire. The bullet hit her bullet-proof jacket. The Kevlar stopped the bullet, but fired at point-blank range, its high velocity impact pummelled her into the ground. Then a thunder of gunfire drowned out everything.

  When she opened her eyes, Chance was standing above her, smoke curling out of the pistol in his hand. The lawyer lay dead a few feet away, two neat holes in his head.

  It took Ruby a long time to realize that she was still alive. Chance could not look away from her. ‘You jumped into the line of fire…’ he said over and over again. He had not been wearing a body vest.

  After hours of tedious paperwork, after-action reports and de-briefing, they were silent as he drove her home. When he stopped outside her apartment, she made no move to get out. They sat in silence for a while.

  ‘May I come up?’ Chance finally asked. There was a wild look in his eyes. His lips were slightly parted and his eyes shone with desire.

  They stood beside each other as the elevator rode up, close but barely touching. The minute the door to her apartment closed, Chance’s mouth found hers. It was a compelling, urgent, demanding kiss. Her lips parted as his tongue probed inside her mouth, and her arms enveloped him. She shivered as his hands slid down her back, caressing her buttock. He drew her closer.

  Buttons and zippers gave way till there were no clothes left between them. Ruby felt his lips caress her neck, and then her breasts, pulling at her nipples, at first gently and then with urgency. His tongue made its way down her body, licking her below her breasts, in her navel, and then lower still. It inflamed her. Grabbing his hair, she pulled him up. ‘Take me, now ...’ Her voice was a strident, hoarse whisper.

  He did. On the carpet, just a few feet from the door. Her breath came faster. Ruby moaned as a wonderful sensation ripped through her. His orgasm came a moment later.

  A short while later they found each other again in the bedroom. And then, later, in the shower. Each time was more beautiful than the last.

  Ruby’s foray into the past shattered as Chance spoke again. ‘Sorry, you were saying?’

  ‘I said I can understand why you needed to get away. I heard about your mother when I got back from Kabul.’ Chance’s smile had vanished. ‘I’m terribly sorry for your loss.’ He reached out and touched her cheek gently. It overwhelmed Ruby.

  ‘How are you coping?’

  ‘Fine.’ It came out as a choked whisper. Ruby was fighting to stem her tears. Without warning, the secret agent was overwhelmed by the woman inside.

  ‘Is there anything I can do? If there is, you know you have only to ask.’ His imploring face conveyed his sincerity. Ruby knew he meant every word.

  She shook her head, unwilling to trust her voice. She could feel her mind starting to torque away and fought to control it. ‘I needed to get away,’ she whispered again. Slowly, the avenging warrior within began to regain control. The fragile thread lay broken again.

  ‘I understand.’ Chance, at a loss for words, was searching for something to say. ‘Did you finally meet your father? I remember you telling me he was from India.’

  ‘No, I haven’t met him yet.’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘I don’t know. I have to. That is another reason I chose to come to India. But…’ Ruby improvised, ‘I am working up the courage to meet him.’

  ‘You? Working up courage? Since when?’ Chance could not hide his amusement. ‘The Ruby I know would just pick up the phone and call him.’

  The Ruby you know… you knew… Ruby held that thought at bay. Instead she forced a sheepish smile. ‘I will call him tomorrow.’

  ‘Great!’ He smiled. ‘Speaking of calling people, this is my hotel number.’ He scribbled it on the ticket stub in her hand. ‘You must call me. Don’t hesitate if there is anything I can do.’ She felt a touch of awkwardness as he paused, as though he had run out of words. ‘There is something I…’

  ‘There you are!’ Jennifer interrupted Chance, as she walked up to him.

  Ruby felt a spasm of irritation and then surprise as she took a close look at the newcomer. She got the eerie feeling that she was looking into a mirror.

  Barring the newcomer’s fair complexion and auburn hair, her resemblance to Ruby was uncanny. The woman even wore her hair the same way – pulled back in a high pony.

  Then Ruby saw the smile on Chance’s face and felt a pang of jealousy. The smile on the newcomer’s face disappeared as the two women assessed each other and within seconds their instincts confirmed that they were rivals.

  ‘Ruby, this is Jennifer… Jennifer Poetzcsh.’ Immune to the subtle exchange of womanly vibes, Chance turned to Ruby and introduced her. ‘Jennifer, this is my friend and colleague Ruby Gill.’

  The two women shook hands warily. ‘Jennifer is with
our cousins,’ Chance added, making it clear she was CIA.

  ‘Ruby Gill,’ Jennifer murmured with a tight smile. ‘You are the second Gill I’ve met since I got here.’

  ‘Yeah! You are right!’ Chance laughed. ‘Funny, isn’t it?’ He turned to Ruby. ‘The guy from Delhi Police who is helping us with the conference is also called Gill… Ravinder Singh Gill.’

  Ruby froze. The name hit her instantly. On the rare occasions that her mother had spoken about him, she had mentioned that Ruby’s father was in the Indian Police Service, but Ruby had never imagined that he’d be the one to… There couldn’t be many people with that exact same name, could there?

  Ruby realized that Chance and Jennifer were staring at her, waiting for her to respond. ‘What a funny coincidence,’ she blurted out.

  ‘Mr Gill mentioned that he’d been in London in college with Sir Edward, so I know he lived there for a bit,’ Chance added. ‘Wonder if you two are related?’

  Ruby had recovered by now. ‘I guess all Gills are? That is what my mom used to say!’

  An awkward silence now fell upon them. Just minutes ago, Chance had shared an intimate moment with her. Or had she imagined it? Had it just been concern for a colleague… an old flame? She was no longer sure.

  ‘Hey,’ Chance intruded again, ‘we were planning to spend some time here. I believe it’s a great place. You feel like joining us?’

  Ruby almost laughed as she saw the expression on Jennifer’s face.

  Just to spite Jennifer, she felt the urge to agree, but realizing the danger of prolonged contact, she declined. ‘You guys please go ahead.’

  ‘Why don’t I get the tickets while you two…’ Jennifer walked off towards the ticket counter.

  ‘She is a very nice person,’ Chance said as he watched her go.

  ‘Is she now?’ Ruby murmured, her jealousy getting the better of her. ‘Trying Pepsi instead of Coke, are we?’

  He gave her a puzzled look but before he could say anything Ruby reached up, pecked him on the cheek and walked away, half regretting the remark.

  ‘Even if he is annoyed, damned if I care,’ Ruby muttered, her head reeling. She was still grappling with the fact that Chance had left her… just like her father had left her mother… and her.

  ‘Men!’ she growled as she got into her car and told the driver to take her back to the hotel.

  Chance watched her walk away. He had never been able to figure Ruby out, to understand why she had always held a part of herself aloof from him… from them.

  He felt angry at the Coke–Pepsi jibe.

  Am I attracted to Jennifer only because she resembles Ruby?

  He toyed with the idea of going after her but remembered what he’d heard on the agency grapevine, about her nervous breakdown when her mother had died, and realized that he should cut her some slack. He knew she’d been close to her mother. Even when they lived together, she and her mother would talk, if not meet, almost every day.

  ‘I got them.’ Jennifer returned, holding up two tickets. ‘Let’s go.’ She reached out and took his arm as if claiming what was rightfully hers.

  Chance was more than a little distracted as he took Jennifer’s arm and they entered the Haat.

  Jennifer looked up at him and smiled. And Chance was struck by her similarity to Ruby.

  ‘It’s hot.’ Jennifer fanned herself. ‘And I’m thirsty. Would you like some Coke?’

  Chance was unable to enjoy the afternoon, consumed as he was by thoughts of Ruby. A part of him hoped she would call. Another part hoped he would never see her again.

  Once their initial burst of lust had subsided and the reality of sustaining a relationship had sunk in, Chance had realized that Ruby was always holding back a part of herself.

  But the fact that she had saved his life had kept him from walking away. Which is why he had been so relieved when the agency sent him to Afghanistan. They had slowly but steadily drifted apart. Things had ended but there was no closure.

  And Chance had been on the verge of bringing it up when Jennifer had walked up to them.

  Ruby paced her hotel room, conflicting emotions churning through her. Finally, she sat by the window, the mess of thoughts in her head as chaotic as the traffic on the road running past her window.

  Think different! The massive billboard advertisement across the road caught her eye.

  Just do it! The equally massive Nike advertisement next to it exhorted her.

  Out of the blue, things clicked.

  Ruby now knew that to get to the Summit delegates she would have to fight her way past her father and the man she had loved.

  They abandoned me.

  If one of them stood in her way, would she pull the trigger?

  The question frightened her.

  Would I have taken on this mission had I known that my father was the one… or did I come to India subconsciously hoping I’d run into him?

  The pain of not having an answer to these questions grew almost physical. She let out a low, petrified cry for help.

  Think different! Her eyes were pinned to the billboard. And her thoughts continued to clash unchecked.

  By late afternoon these worrisome questions had coalesced into a pounding headache. Pangs of nausea began to wrack her. She was exhausted by the time she lay down. Sleep came almost instantly. So did the nightmare.

  The man who had been haunting her dreams was still faceless. He had blood running down his face. Suddenly, Chance emerged from behind him. He, too, had blood on his face, oozing out from a neat, round black hole between his eyes.

  ‘Why haven’t you spoken to your father yet? Just pick up the phone and call him,’ he was saying, over and over, his voice a broken whisper. He sounded like Chance but different. ‘Why are you hesitating? Don’t you want to know how he is, what kind of a man he is, why he left your mother… and you?’ His tone was sharp and insistent.

  Ruby awoke with a start. Her heart was pounding and she was bathed in sweat. She reached for the water bottle on her bedside table and took a long swig, draining it. Still thirsty, she got up and pulled another bottle out of the minibar and drank that too.

  She lay down again, but this time sleep was driven away by a new need to find out about her father. To understand who he really was. For so many years, she had taught herself not to think about him. She had convinced herself to hate him. But now she knew she could not live without knowing any longer.

  Why? Why did you leave? What did I do to grow up without a father?

  The room was pitch dark. Though the curtains were drawn back, not even a speck of light filtered in. The darkness outside felt as deep as the darkness within her. She longed to reach out and talk to someone. Anyone. But who? Chance?

  Her hand reached for the phone. But she stayed it. No. She did not need the aggravation of feeling her way through whatever still existed between them… if anything still did.

  He’s met my father… He’ll know what kind of a person he is.

  What about my father? He was her father after all. Ruby dwelt on that for a long time.

  But he abandoned us. Not even once, over all these years, did he bother to check on me… come looking for me… hug me… hold me… talk to me… to find out if I was alive.

  Ruby felt confusion, hurt and resentment building up. She fought them; damned if she would allow herself to cry over a father who did not even care whether she was alive or dead.

  Did he? Her mind was playing tag with her again, as it often did when she was upset. Did he really not care?

  She gave up trying to sleep. She needed to talk to someone. Scrabbling through her bag, she retrieved the ticket stub with Chance’s number.

  She hoped Chance would be happy to hear from her.

  The phone at the other end began to ring.

  Chance had just entered the bathroom and unzipped when the phone began to ring. He called out to Jennifer, who had joined him for a nightcap after another exhausting day of sightseeing. ‘Could you get that, please
?’

  ‘Sure,’ Jennifer called out, reaching for the phone.

  ‘Hullo.’ Ruby had heard it only once before, but she immediately recognized the nasal twang. ‘Hullo,’ Jennifer said again.

  Ruby almost spoke. She would have, but her eye fell on her wristwatch. It was past midnight.

  Chance has moved on.

  She cut the call and returned to her lonely, restless vigil by the window.

  He has left me too.

  Tears pricked at her eyes. With an effort she pushed them away.

  ‘So, what’s new? Men do that all the time,’ Ruby said out loud, as though she needed to hear it to believe it. Her father had done that to her mother. Chance was no different.

  Then she cried and cried, till she could cry no more.

  She felt angry with Rehana. Why had she always avoided talking about her father, about what had happened between them?

  Ruby remembered asking her often when she was young, ‘Where is daddy? How come he never comes home… or goes to my school, like other fathers?’

  ‘How do I explain to you, my darling? You’re too young to understand.’

  But Ruby was always old enough to know that her father was not there for her. She remembered the nights she had cried herself to sleep, as she longed for her father to hold her and protect her. The pain had been so intense, so hurtful, that she had tried to stop thinking about him.

  That pain now returned. Even after all these years, it was still sharp. Perhaps sharper, since it had been ignored and suppressed so long.

  And now you have left me too, mom.

  As Ruby hit the end of her tether, Rehana reached out from beyond and pulled her out of the abyss.

  ‘Did I not always tell you, my child?’ Ruby heard the constant rejoinder echo in her head. ‘Chance will never understand. Just as your father never did. No one will… our cause is our own… that is the way it has always been. Nothing will ever get better, not unless we fight for it. They will not allow it to.’ She would thumb towards Chance’s photo on Ruby’s bedside table. ‘Men like him. They are the ones who killed our family… who have been killing our people all these years. It was these bloody Brits who started it all. If not for their support, the Jews would never have had the guts. I am telling you, Chance will use you and dump you… just as your father did to me. Remember that.’