Mr. Monk Goes to the Firehouse mm-1

by Lee Goldberg

  “That’s not a very cunning plan,” Disher said.

  “It worked, didn’t it?” Stottlemeyer said. “Did you check out Lizzie Draper’s alibi?”

  Disher nodded. “They have some kind of Coyote Ugly thing going at Flaxx. There are a hundred guys who saw her dancing in a wet T-shirt on the bar, pouring drinks and juggling bottles until midnight.”

  That, by the way, was the other reason I didn’t get the job at Flaxx. I don’t jiggle or juggle.

  “Assuming you’re right, Mr. Monk,” I began, then paused when I saw the chastising look he was giving me. “Excuse me, knowing you’re right, Breen couldn’t have taken his car, not without the valet and the press seeing him go. And he wouldn’t have hailed a taxi and taken the risk that a cabbie might remember him. So how did Breen get to Esther’s house and back again?”

  Stottlemeyer nodded at me. “You’re getting the hang of this, Natalie.”

  “He must have walked,” Monk said.

  “Is that possible?” I wondered. “I mean, could he do all that in an hour on foot?”

  Monk shrugged. “There’s only one way to find out.”

  As we left the police station, Monk apologized to every officer we passed for his “earlier nakedness,” which he blamed on disorientation caused by his sinus medication, not that anyone asked or cared.

  “Allergies,” he said to them. “It’s the monkey on my back.”

  We drove to the Excelsior, which was on Montgomery Street, a few blocks northeast of Union Square. Although it was a relatively new building, constructed in the last decade, it was crafted in the Beaux Arts style favored by San Francisco’s elite in the early 1900s. The big-ticket touches that advertised wealth were all there: the grand arched doorways, the monumental stone columns, the sculpted balustrades, and the arched windows adorned with carved-leaf crowns and ornamented keystones.

  I reluctantly left my Cherokee in the Excelsior’s underground garage, where it costs more to park a car per day than it does to rent one. As Disher predicted, even a casual inspection revealed dozens of ways out of the building, including doors on each floor of the parking structure and a service exit that opened into a dark alley.

  The service exit into the alley was also conveniently blocked from view from the street by several large Dumpsters. If Breen used this door to slip out of the building, he could have taken the alley a full block before having to emerge onto the street, putting him at a safe distance from the hotel and any press gathered out front. Monk assumed that was the likeliest route for Breen to have taken, so we followed it, too. But from that point, there were any number of routes he might have taken. Monk chose the most direct one, going straight up Montgomery, to start with.

  It was nearly dark as we began our walk, and it began to drizzle. Our trek took us past the towers of the Financial District, where business-people and clerical workers were already streaming out, eager to get a head start on the rush-hour traffic. And the night shift of homeless people was beginning to move in, seeking shelter in the alcoves and doorways, scrounging in the trash bins, and hitting up passersby for money.

  Monk wouldn’t give them money, but he handed out individual packages of Wet Ones from my purse to every indigent we passed. They didn’t seem to appreciate the gesture, particularly one guy, who slept on a piece of cardboard and wore an ill-fitting, tattered overcoat over several layers of filthy shirts.

  When Monk tossed him a Wet One packet, the homeless man rose up from his mat.

  “What the hell am I supposed to do with this?” he said indignantly, holding the Wet One in disgust. His hair and beard were matted, his skin deeply tanned and caked with dirt. He smelled of body odor and rot, like he’d been sleeping in a Dumpster. The stench was an invisible force field that kept Monk a good three feet away from him.

  “You’re right,” Monk said to the man. “It wasn’t very thoughtful of me.”

  Monk reached into my bag, took out two handfuls of wipes, and dumped them at the man’s feet.

  “One isn’t nearly enough,” Monk said, and hurried away, sneezing, the homeless man shouting profanities in our wake.

  I handed Monk a Kleenex. Monk blew his nose, then put the used tissue into a Ziploc bag, which he sealed and stowed in his pocket.

  “That man sleeps with cats,” Monk said.

  “I think that’s the least of his problems.”

  I looked over my shoulder and saw the homeless man gathering up the wipes and putting them into the pocket of his overcoat. He saw me looking at him and flipped me off. Have a nice day to you, too, I thought.

  We walked north, following Montgomery as it crossed Columbus Avenue and rose up toward Telegraph Hill. The office buildings and restaurants soon gave way to upscale galleries and residences. We zigzagged along side streets into the residential triangle of Victorian homes and garden apartments roughly bordered by Columbus Avenue, Montgomery Street, and Filbert Street. It was a steep climb—not nearly as steep as the one I took to Delores Park each Sunday, but we were still breathing pretty hard when we reached the crest of the hill and found ourselves, much to my surprise, facing Firefighter Joe’s station house.

  “Do you mind if we stop in and say hello to Joe?” I asked. Breen would have needed a rest about now, I thought, even if he had been in a hurry. We were eight or ten serious blocks from the Excelsior, and we’d been walking for about twenty minutes.

  “That’s a good idea,” Monk said. He looked like he could use the rest, too.

  It was also a chance to dry off a bit. Drizzle isn’t so bad until it accumulates and you suddenly realize you’re soaked, which we both were.

  Besides, we’d more or less proven that Breen could have walked from the Excelsior to Esther’s place, which was only a few blocks from the fire station, in a half hour.

  Everything in the station was gleaming, of course. Even the turnouts, the firefighting rigs hanging in the open racks, were all clean, the latches and zippers shining.

  The firemen were all in the kitchen eating pizza. I couldn’t help noticing that Sparky’s bed basket and rubber hot-dog squeak toy were still there. Monk also noticed it. I guess Joe wasn’t willing to accept that Sparky was gone quite yet. I knew the feeling. I kept Mitch’s clothes hanging in the closet for almost a year after he died. And I know Monk still has the pillow his wife slept on. It’s in a plastic bag in his closet.

  Joe broke into a big smile the minute he saw me, jumped out of his seat, and rushed over to greet us. But once he got to me, he wasn’t quite sure what he should do. Kiss me? Hug me? Shake my hand? We settled on a friendly hug.

  “Natalie, Mr. Monk, what a nice surprise. You’re just in time to join us for some pizza.” Joe glanced back to Captain Mantooth, who held out a slice to Monk on a napkin.

  “No, thank you,” Monk said. “We just stopped by to ask you some questions.”

  Once again I was out of the loop. I thought it was a happy coincidence that we ended up in front of the firehouse.

  “Captain Mantooth, did you notice any towels missing before Friday night?”

  “Sure, they’re always disappearing,” Mantooth said. “They’re like socks. You know how that is, Mr. Monk.”

  “No, I don’t.” Monk looked genuinely perplexed.

  “Everybody loses socks,” Mantooth said. All the men around him nodded in agreement. So did I. “You’ve never lost a sock?”

  “How could I? They’re either on my feet or they’re being carried in the basket back and forth between the hamper, the laundry room, and the sock drawer,” Monk said. “I don’t see how it’s humanly possible to lose a sock.”

  “It’s one of the great mysteries of life,” Joe said. “Where do all those socks go?”

  “The same place as our towels.” Mantooth laughed.

  “And my panties,” I added. Mantooth’s smiled faded. I looked around. Everybody was staring at me. “C’mon, guys, everybody loses underwear.”

  The men shared glances, shook their heads, and looked at me w
ith bewilderment, especially Monk and Joe.

  “I know this for a fact,” I said.

  “I want you to think about something, Captain,” Monk said, saving me from further embarrassment, though I’m sure that wasn’t the reason he spoke up. “In general, were you more likely to notice a towel or two missing after you returned from responding to a fire?”

  Mantooth mulled that over for a moment. “Now that you mention it, yeah, maybe you’re right. But to be sure I’d have to check my records.”

  “You keep a record of missing towels?” I asked, incredulous.

  “I keep track to justify the expense of buying new ones,” Mantooth said. “I have to account for every penny that I spend.”

  I had a feeling he would whether he had to or not. No wonder Monk wanted to be a fireman. Mantooth was almost as anal as he was, which gave me reason to wonder what Joe’s dark side might be like. Joe had been amazingly punctual when he came to pick me up for our date. Was punctuality a thing with him? What would happen the first time I was late to meet him somewhere?

  Monk turned to Joe. “Did Sparky run around the neighborhood only when the company was on call to a fire?”

  “Yeah,” Joe said.

  “How come you didn’t tie him up?”

  “Sparky always came back,” Joe said. “I didn’t want to restrict his freedom.”

  “When he came back,” Monk asked, “what did he smell like?”

  Joe seemed bewildered by the question. I certainly was. “Like crap. I don’t know what he got himself into.”

  “How bad was the smell?”

  “I usually had to give him a bath as soon as he got back or Cap would give me hell.”

  “I like a clean station,” Mantooth said. “Cleanliness is the outward expression of order.”

  “Amen, brother,” Monk said, and then he smiled at me. I’ve seen that smile before, usually just before somebody gets arrested and sent to prison for a very long time. “Let’s go have a talk with Mr. Dumas.”

  I followed Monk across the street to Gregorio Dumas’s house and knocked on the door. Monk stood directly behind me, using me as a shield, his hands poised to protect his groin from canine attack. How gallant.

  Gregorio opened the door wearing a red smoking jacket, pajama pants, and so much bling that he made Mr. T, Sammy Davis Jr., and Liberace look under-accessorized by comparison. I know those celebrity references are dated, but somewhere between the time I graduated college and the day I became a mother, my cultural needle got stuck. I don’t want to think about how out of touch I am with American popular culture. It makes me feel like I’ve become my mother, and that’s scary.

  Anyway, back to Gregorio. Monk asked if the dog was out back and, if she was, if we could come in and talk to him for a moment.

  Gregorio reluctantly invited us in. We took a seat on the couch and he sat in a chair across from us. He didn’t look too happy about our being there.

  “Can we make this quick? Jeopardy is on,” Gregorio said.

  “That’s the game where they give you the answers and you have to come up with the questions,” Monk said.

  “Yes, it is.”

  “Oh, great,” Monk said, “let’s play.”

  “What do you mean?” Gregorio said. “You want to watch TV with me?”

  “Let’s have our own game. I’ll give you the answers and you can give me the questions. Ready? Here’s the answer: Roderick Turlock’s gold.”

  Gregorio flinched as if he’d been slapped.

  “C’mon, Mr. Dumas,” Monk said, “take a guess.”

  Gregorio didn’t say anything, but he began to sweat under his pompadour. Monk mimed the sound of a buzzer.

  “Time’s up. The question is: Why have you been tunneling from your house to the sewer and from the sewer to the fire station? That was fun, wasn’t it? Here’s another answer: To wipe your footprints off the firehouse floor. Can you tell me the question?”

  Gregorio licked his lips and wiped his brow.

  “You aren’t even trying, Mr. Dumas,” Monk said.

  “I am,” he said. “I just don’t know the question. The answer makes no sense.”

  “I know, I know,” I said, raising my hand and waving it enthusiastically.

  Monk smiled and pointed to me. “Yes, Natalie, what’s your guess?”

  “Why did Mr. Dumas steal the towels?” I said.

  “Correct!” Monk said. “He tunneled under the firehouse searching for the gold whenever the firemen left the station. But he didn’t want Sparky barking and attracting attention to his digging, so he’d lure him out of the station with a rubber hot-dog squeak toy. It’s Sparky’s favorite. There’s one on Mr. Dumas’s porch that’s identical to the toy in Sparky’s basket.”

  All the disparate facts, all the things we’d seen and heard, suddenly fell into place for me. It was an exhilarating feeling, and for a moment I understood why detectives want to be detectives.

  “Sparky got to this house by way of the tunnel and the sewer,” I said. “That’s how Sparky got past the razor-wire fence and impregnated Letitia. And that’s why Sparky always came back to the station smelling like he was covered with crap. It was crap.”

  Gregorio broke into a deep sweat.

  “Natalie is winning this round, Mr. Dumas,” Monk said. “You’re going to have to guess the right question to this answer to stay in the game. Here it is: Fifteen years in prison.”

  “What the hell are you talking about?” Gregorio screeched.

  Monk shook his head. “No, I’m sorry, the correct question is: What’s the combined jail term for filing a fraudulent lawsuit and committing an extreme act of animal cruelty?”

  “I treat Letitia like royalty!” Gregorio said.

  “But you murdered Sparky,” I said.

  “You’ve got it all wrong,” Gregorio said. “Yeah, I’ve been digging for Turlock’s gold, and I was in the firehouse Friday night, but I didn’t kill Sparky.”

  “Convince us,” I said.

  “The truth is, Letitia is over-the-hill, past her prime. The only reason she won her last show two years ago was because I spent twenty-two thousand dollars on an extreme makeover.”

  “She had plastic surgery?” Monk said.

  “It bought us another year on the dog show circuit, but that was it,” Gregorio said. “The judges have sharp eyes, and no amount of cosmetic surgery can prevent the inevitable decline of beauty. We’ve been living on the gold coins I’ve been able to dig up under the firehouse. My plan was that once the coins ran out, we’d live off a settlement from the fire department on our lawsuit.”

  “Your fraudulent lawsuit,” I said. “You were using Letitia to keep Sparky occupied while you hunted for gold.”

  “Tell us what really happened on Friday night, Mr. Dumas,” Monk asked.

  Gregoria sighed heavily. “It started out like usual. As soon as the fire trucks left, I took the tunnel to the firehouse basement. I could hear Sparky barking. But when I came out in the basement I didn’t hear anything. So I took two towels, wiped off my feet, and went upstairs to look around. That’s when I saw Sparky lying there and the fireman leaving.”

  I snorted in disgust. “You’re sticking to your story that a fireman did it? It’s laughable. Why don’t you just go all the way and admit what you did?”

  “Because I’m telling the truth,” Gregorio said, his eyes welling with tears. “I couldn’t have killed Sparky.”

  “Why not?” I asked with as much sarcasm and disgust as I could put behind the two words.

  “It would have broken Letitia’s heart.” He wiped a tear from his cheek. “And mine, too. I loved that damn dog.”

  Monk tilted his head from side to side and shrugged his shoulders. “Yes, that makes perfect sense.”

  And with that, Monk abruptly got up and walked out the door without so much as a good-bye. I had to hurry to catch up with him outside.

  “You’re not going to nail him?” I said.

  “I just did,
” Monk said, setting off in the direction of the Excelsior.

  “For stealing towels and filing a fraudulent lawsuit, but what about killing Sparky?”

  “He didn’t kill Sparky,” Monk said.

  “Then who did?”

  “It’s obvious,” Monk said. “Lucas Breen did.”

  12

  Mr. Monk Makes His Move

  It was dark now, and we were retracing our steps back downhill to the Excelsior, where I’d have to skip a car payment to pay the attendant for parking. That was a compelling motive for murder right there. I was surprised the parking lot attendants weren’t wearing Kevlar and sitting in bulletproof cages.

  “Why would Lucas Breen want to murder a firehouse dog?” I asked.

  “He didn’t want to,” Monk said. “He had to. Breen didn’t know the dog was there when he sneaked into the firehouse.”

  “What was Breen doing there?” I asked. As we got closer to the Financial District, the number of people around us thinned out and the streets seemed to get darker and colder.

  “He came to steal a firefighter’s coat and helmet,” Monk said. “Breen was the fireman whom Mr. Dumas saw leaving the firehouse.”

  “I don’t understand this at all,” I said. “What makes you think that was Breen?”

  “Means, motive, and opportunity,” Monk said, then explained to me his theory of what happened on Friday night.

  Lucas Breen slipped out of the Excelsior around nine fifteen, walked to Esther’s house, and smothered the woman with a pillow. He made it look like she fell asleep smoking, and then he hid outside until he was sure the living room was consumed with flames. Breen was rushing back to the hotel when he discovered he’d left something incriminating behind.

  But it was too late to run back inside the house; it was already ablaze and the firefighters were on their way. And he couldn’t take the chance that whatever belonged to him would burn in the fire. As luck would have it, the firehouse was nearby. He decided to steal a firefighter’s gear, go back to Esther’s house, retrieve whatever he’d left behind from the inferno, then return the outfit to the station on his way to the hotel.