by Cat Crafter
Just then as luck would have it…I saw a bunch of sheep in front of me, just grazing on grass. My first thought was: Yuck how can you eat grass?
My second thought was: Too bad they aren’t giant chickens!
My third thought was: Hey wait, this could work for me.
My fourth thought was: Okay, I need to think about how I’m going to catch and ride a sheep.
When you’re a zombie it’s usually the fourth thought that matters.
To Catch a Sheep
Okay, now this shouldn’t be too hard. Right? I mean sheep aren’t much brighter than the grass they eat. Plus, sheep aren’t scared of zombies because Zombie never need to sleep, therefore we don’t need sheep pillows. This had to be easy. I just needed to think of the best way.
Think me, think! I thought to myself.
Nothing….
Think Zee, think! I thought to myself, hoping naming myself would help.
Still nothing.
I tried hitting myself on the head to jar my brain. Unfortunately when you have still rigid arms, it’s impossible to hit yourself on the head. I took my Pet Potato Pete out of my pocket. Pete always helps me think.
Finally, I had a thought. Throw Pete at the sheep. Nope, that wouldn’t work, sheep might eat Pete. I didn’t want to lose my only buddy. I stuck Pete back in my pocket. Then it hit me!
Second thought: throw my rock at the sheep. I grabbed the rock, ready to throw it. I thought a little bit more. No, this wasn’t a good idea. My aim with rocks was terrible. Even if I managed to hit a sheep, I would either scare it off or maybe even kill it. If I killed the sheep, it wouldn’t be of any use to me. My next idea was to use my trusty sticks. I thought about that thought. Nah, not good. If I hit the sheep, I would hurt them or scare them. That wouldn’t work any better than my rock. I studied that sheep. They just stood there grazing on grass.
I had it! Grass! Green grass was the key! All this time I had the answer right under my square feet.
Next problem, I don’t really have knees which makes it hard to bend. What I lack in knees I make up with muscle and pain tolerance. I dropped to the ground face first, in push-up position. Now the grass and I were at the same level. I pulled bunches of grass with my hands. I pushed myself up.
Yep, what we lack in brains we make up for in muscle. I now had grass in my hands and pretty much all over my body.
I lumbered slowly towards the herd of sheep. I said, “Nice sheepies, nice sheepies….” I showed them the grass in my open hands. Most of the sheep scattered like I had really bad breath or something.
A chubby extra white one didn’t flee. It stood there.
I figured this one had to be either hungry, brave or a bit foolish or a mix of the three. No matter, my amazing plan was working.
“Nice, sheep,” I groaned slowly, offering the food.
The sheep ate the food from my hand.
“Nice sheep,” I repeated. I offered the grass I had in my other hand.
The sheep licked it. Kind of gross, but kind of neat. It started licking the grass of my pants. And that was when I knew I had him or her.
“Look sheep, I think I’ll call you Sheepie. Yep, Sheepie is it. Look Sheepie. I’m going to get on top of you now. If you give me a ride to those trees over there,” I pointed to the grove of trees. “Then I’ll give you more grass and maybe even some water. So this is a win win….”
I looked at Sheepie’s square head. I swear he or she smiled. I patted Sheepie on the head. I planted one leg on the ground and tossed my other leg over Sheepie. He buckled and baahed a little, but he kept his balance. I wobbled a bit on top of Sheepie, but also wiggled just enough to be stable. I nudged Sheepie forward. Sure enough he headed towards the forest.
Yeah, certainly not as fast as riding a chicken, but this sure beat lumbering.
“Sheepie, you and I are quite the team!” I told him or her. I gave Sheepie a pat.
Sheepie baahed. I smiled. It’s nice when a plan works out.
Now I’m Rolling!
Okay, now I was rolling. Well, riding, we'll sort of riding my amazing Sheepie. Yeah, maybe I need to work on that name some. To be truthful, I bobbed more than rode, but it beat walking or lumbering. Whatever, riding a sheep made me smile, at least as much as my mouth let me smile. It might not have been as fast or as cool as riding a chicken, but it worked for me.
I cut through the plains faster than I could have dreamed possible to travel. The woods that had seemed so far away, drew closer and closer. My smile grew. I think I even saw Sheepie smiling. I might be wrong there, zombies aren’t good at seeing feelings.
It seemed like in no time, I reached the forest.
Once we entered the dense forest I hopped off Sheepie. The woods were so thick that it was easier to walk. I reached down and pulled out some grass. I feed it to Sheepie. I needed Sheepie to feel appreciated.
“Follow me Sheepie!” I said.
“Baah!” Sheepie replied.
I took that as a yes, since whenever I took a step, Sheepie did too. Walking didn’t make me smile as much as riding Sheepie, but it gave me time to look around and concentrate. I couldn’t be sure if I’d find a hero here. Heck, if I did he might be a n00b and not somebody to hang with. But who wouldn’t want to hang with me and Sheepie. Sheepie is super cool.
I made my way through the forest. I liked the way it smelled fresh…way different than my cave. Plus the thick trees blocked most of sun and that meant I didn’t need my helm. I thought about taking out one of my sticks or my rock but didn’t want to scare away any potential adventurer. Instead I pulled out my Pet Potato Pete. He’s not only good to chat with, he’s also friendly.
Suddenly I stepped in something sticky, it felt like a swamp. That didn’t feel right in a forest, especially a dry forest. I tried moving my leg, but it was stuck to the ground. Looking down I noticed my foot was stuck in some white thread that had been laid on the ground.
Uh oh, I thought.
“Time to pull out my stick!” I told Sheepie.
Looking up I saw a big black thing with a bunch of legs, dropping on me from above. It was spitting out lots of that white sticky thread. Man I so hate spiders!
Spider Yuck!
At first I thought: A spider yuck!
Then I thought: Spiders are gross!
Then I thought: Wow it would be cool to have eight legs. Or is it eight arms?
Finally I thought: Good thing I pulled out my stick.
The spider closed in on me. It’s red creepy eyes were locked on me as it quickly descended down a long white thread. It had shot out of its butt.
Kind of cool and weird at the same time. Once, close enough to get a good look and whiff of me, the spider stopped. It hung there, legs (or arms) dangling above me.
One of the advantages of being a zombie is, spiders don’t like to eat us. Maybe we smell funny. Maybe because we taste funny. Maybe it’s a little of both. But whatever the case, the spider seemed to be thinking about if it really wanted to come near me.
I decided to help it make up its mind. “Look spider, I know I’m not what you were expecting. You weren’t what I was expecting. So here’s the deal. I’m going to take my stick, my rock and my neat Pet Potato Pete and walk away, well lumber away.” I paused to it sink it.
The spider just hung there. I took that as a good sign. I pulled my foot out of the web goop. The spider dropped down an inch or two more. I turned and waved my stick at it.
“If you do insist on trying to eat me I will hurt you!” I said, my stick still waving.
“Okay, Sheepie we’re going to walk away now!” I said.
Sheepie looked at me with big eyes. Like “are you sure?”
I pulled away from the web and turned my back on the spider. I started walking as fast as I could lumber. I heard the pitter patter of eight little feet behind me. That wasn’t Sheepie following me. I spun and saw the spider had landed and was creeping towards me. I guess it figured, zombie meat was better than no meat
.
I guess I couldn’t blame it, but I still didn’t like it. I needed to show this spider you don’t mess with a zombie. I lifted my stick up and whacked the spider just as it sprang at me. My stick hit the spider square in the back. It crashed to the ground. I took a step back and lifted my stick again. “You want more pain?” I asked it.
The spider stood there. I held my ground. No spider could push me around. The spider took another step towards me. I waved my stick in front of its many red eyes. “Look I’m a zombie, I’m not really alive. I can do this all day and all night. I actually prefer the night. You know less sun to burn me….”
As I talked the spider bolted at me. Some things you just can’t reason with.
I clobbered it right between the eyes with my stick, stopping it dead in its tracks. I held my stick over my head. “I’ve got more!” I yelled at the spider.
The spider slowly skulked away backwards. I didn’t like the look in its eyes. Spiders are so icky and stupid!
I felt a rumbling in my gut. And I knew that rumbling. I could use it to my advantage, so I turned my back to the spider. Not normally a smart move, unless you have to fart, which I did. I let out the loudest fart ever!
I turned to see the spider backpedaling away on six legs while holding it nose with two other legs or hands or whatever. I didn’t know spiders could move that fast.
I smiled, well as much as a zombie can smile.
“Come on, Sheepie let’s go!” I called to Sheepie. “Nothing more to see here!”
Moving Forward
Sheepie and I moved on. I still didn’t have any idea where I wanted to go, but I didn’t let that stop me. I spun around and around. When I stopped, I headed in that direction. I just had to hope I wasn’t pointed towards my home, because that would have been weird.
At first I walked beside sheepie because I didn’t want him to get tired. But truthfully, Zombies aren’t meant to walk very far. My square feet starting pulsating and burning. I turned to Sheepie and said, “I need to ride you again buddy.”
Sheepie didn’t say no, so I popped on. Sheepie baahed twice, then we moved forward, slowly and certainly faster than I could have walked.
Sheepie and I moved farther into the forest. I liked all the trees, they reminded me of me: stiff and green. I had to suppress a yawn though. I longed for some action. After a bit more riding and some walking and some grass eating…by Sheepie, I started adventuring. My search for a hero may have been over-rated. But then I heard some whispering from behind.
“There it is!”
“Told you I saw a zombie!”
“A zombie riding a sheep, that has got to be the craziest thing I’ve ever seen!”
“Still, we’ll be heroes for taking him out!”
The whispering grew louder. I turned towards the whispering and saw two villagers coming towards me.
They had hammers raised. I raised an arm and said, “Ah, no need to hit me. I’m a friendly zombie!”
The villagers reacted by clunking me on the head with their hammers. I didn’t appreciate that at all. “Hey STOP, that hurts!” I told them. Truthfully my feelings were hurt more than my body. One of the good things about being mostly dead is that you don’t feel pain.
“Hey this thing talks!” one of villagers said, as he whacked me again with the hammer.
“Yes, I do talk. And my name is Zee!”
The two villagers stopped hitting me and stared at me. “Well dang, a talking zombie!” they both said. “We’ll be famous for this! We’ll go right from villagers to heroes!”
They both hit me with their hammers again and again.
I took a step backward and held up my arms. “Look, I don’t want to fight you two. I’m just looking for friends to hang out with!”
The two villagers turned their heads towards each other. Their eyes opened wide.
“But you’re a zombie!” one of them said.
“Yeah!” the other agreed.
“Zombies and villagers don’t get alone!”
“Yeah!” the other one agreed.
They each popped me again with their hammers. I could see these guys weren’t the sharpest pencils in the box, but they were persistent. I figured out they certainly didn’t want to be my friends. And quite frankly I didn’t want to be their friend. I also didn’t want them hitting me anymore.
“Look!” I yelled at them. “This is kind of silly, you hitting me with hammers and all that. I’m already mostly dead so you can’t kill me.”
They stopped hitting me for a moment. I could see that their dull brains were trying to understand what I had just said. I pointed to them. “You guys on the other hand are still alive, therefore I can really hurt you, a lot!”
The two exchanged glances again. They pondered their situation. To help them, I pulled out one of my sticks and clunked them each on the head.
“Ouch that hurt!” one of them said, rubbing his head.
“Yeah,” the other agreed.
“See!” I told them. “I can keep this up all day and night. You can’t beat me. But I can certainly beat you.”
The two locked eyes with each other again. They scratched their heads. “Ouch,” they each said when they touched the spots where I had hit them.
I figured I needed to help these guys figure it out. “Look, I’m a zombie. I’m stronger than you and you can’t kill me.”
“Oh no, we’re in trouble!” one of them said, shivering with fear.
“Yeah,” the other agreed, shivering more. “I think I may have wet myself!”
“Luckily I am really really slow!” I told them.
They both stood there shaking. Yep, not very bright at all. I pointed into the forest. “Which means you can run away and I won’t catch you!” I told them.
The two finally got my drift. They turned and ran away faster than I thought villagers could run.
“Come on Sheepie,” I said, “let’s get out of here before they decide to come back with more silly villagers.”
Witch Way
Sheepie and I moved forward. The sun dropped lower and lower and I knew it would soon be night. Being a zombie, the darkness doesn’t bother me at all. In fact, night is good. There is no sunlight to burn and scar me. Of course, there are more nasty creatures out at night, but since they think I too am nasty they usually leave me alone.
After a little more walking and riding we saw a little wood cabin in front of us.
Something inside of my gut told me to avoid this place.
Something bigger inside of my gut told me that I needed to go into it.
Of course, another part of me told me I shouldn’t listen to my gut – except when I am hungry…the gut rules.
But when it comes to making decisions, the gut isn’t the best thing to listen to. Still I decided to go forward. I decided I needed to see what was in there.
Sheepie and I crept forward until we reached the door to the cabin in the middle of the woods. I didn’t know if I should knock or just burst in. The door slowly crept open. “Come in Zee,” a voice called from inside the room.
I thought for a second.
“Stop thinking and start doing,” the voice insisted. “For a zombie you think a lot!”
That voice had a point. I pushed the door aside and walked in. A witch sat at a table in the middle of the room. “Come in, come in,” she said, pointing at a chair.
Entering the room, I noticed a crystal ball on top of the table. It looked way cool.
Yeah witches can’t really be trusted, but then again neither can most zombies.
“I can help you,” the witch insisted. “Sit sit!” she ordered.
I sat down on a chair. I patted Sheepie. “Don’t worry, boy,” I said.
“Your sheep is a girl,” the witch told me.
“Oh, don’t worry girl and sorry about calling you a boy,” I said with another pat.
Sheepie baahed. I took that to mean she didn’t mind. Sheepie was cool like that.
“You are
lonely and looking for an adventurer,” the witch said.
“Yeah,” I nodded. “Though not as lonely now that I have Sheepie.” I pulled out my Pet Potato Pete. “Plus I have Pete.”
“Yes, well as good as they are, I can help….”
I sat down at the table. I peered into the crystal ball. I tapped on it.
