Exposed (Free Falling)

by Raven St. Pierre

  With a sigh, I scolded myself for even starting this project before my date with Jason. Now that Angel was moving, I’d set out on a path toward minimalism – ridding our apartment of any and all clutter as sort of a fresh start. If I’d remembered this letter was in that box of old papers, I would’ve left it at the back of the storage closet where it was.

  My eyes shifted to the clock – 5:47. I’d designated 4:30 to 6:00 as my cleaning time before hopping in the shower for a second time that day to get dressed for dinner. Thinking I might call it quits early, I stood from the floor where I sat Indian-style, and walked to my bedroom with the letter still in hand. The bed creaked a little when I plopped down on the edge of it, flicking the corner of the aged envelope with my thumb.

  “What the hell are you scared of?” I asked myself aloud as I tore through the flap. I slipped the two sheets of paper from inside and unfolded each.

  If only Dr. Gill could see me now.

  A deep breath left my lungs and I let my eyes settle on the familiar handwriting that I hadn’t seen in years.

  Sam,

  Two years….

  That’s how long it’s been and I’m not the least bit ashamed to admit that I waited all this time with patience and open arms for you to come to your senses and realize that you’d made a mistake. However, today, for my own sanity, I’m forcing myself to see the truth – I’ve been chasing your ghost all this time.

  But no more. I’m done. I’m letting you go.

  The endless stream of email and begging will stop, partly because I’m tired of being in love alone and partly because I can finally feel myself getting over it. You can only be ignored and blown off for so long before it starts to take a toll on you, I guess. Either way, the scales are tipping and a new emotion is filling the void in my heart that used to be reserved for my feelings for you – indifference.

  I don’t hate you – don’t think I could even if I tried. However, having you walk away has taught me something valuable; I’ve come to realize that losing you wasn’t the end of my world…because when I get up in the morning, the sun still rises, the Earth still spins, and I’m alive despite the way I felt in the beginning.

  This letter will probably never reach you, but I’m doing this for me…not you. Clearly, you’ve found peace wherever you are, whatever you’re doing in life, but I needed to write it all out just so I know for myself that it’s been said.

  Not one single day passes that I don’t think about you or wonder what you’ve been up to. That’ll probably never change. I miss things about you that I didn’t even realize I noticed until you weren’t around anymore…but I’m okay with knowing that memories are all I have left.

  I hope that one day you find whatever it is you were chasing when you left, be it peace, wholeness, stability, or all of the above. I even hope you find love.

  I will no longer be asking myself how this all fell apart. I won’t wonder what else I could’ve done to make you stay. I won’t even let myself fantasize what our life together would’ve been like if we’d made it all the way. You wanted to be left alone, so consider your wish granted.

  Just so no stone is left unturned, I never cheated on you with Reina or anyone else, and I loved you in a way that you’d never possibly understand, hence the reason it’s taken me so long to move on.

  I could go on and on about this because I’ve got so much that I’ve been holding in all this time, but…I won’t. Water under the bridge, I guess.

  Be well, Sam,

  AJ

  My hand went to the box of tissue on my nightstand and I blotted the corners of my eyes. The pain behind the words written on this page transferred onto me and I couldn’t do anything but shake my head. It hadn’t sat well with me for years the way I’d left Charleston, but, at the time, I was thinking so irrationally that I didn’t know up from down. I was young, scared, feeling violated, and all I wanted was to put everything and everyone who reminded me of what happened with Antonio behind me. Several times, I thought to reach out to AJ. Once or twice, I even thought about going to see him. The only thing that stopped me was embarrassment because of how I left. Reading this letter let me know that I’d done at least as much damage as I thought I did.

  The gentle knock at the door stole my attention from AJ’s words. Hiding the envelope and the tissue, I pulled both legs up onto my bed.

  “Come in,” I called out, smiling at Angel when she entered.

  “I was checking to see if you wanted to order in tonight. I don’t know about you, but I ain’t cooking.” As soon as she took a few steps in my direction, she noticed my red-rimmed eyes. Concern filled her expression as she sat beside me. “What’s wrong, Sammy?” She asked, rubbing her hand in slow circles on my back.

  Since I’d been caught, I pulled AJ’s letter from inside my purple pillow case and handed it over. Confused, Angel took the papers out and read.

  “Oh, wow…where’d this come from?”

  With a sigh, I answered, “A box in the storage room. I was trying to get some work done before Jason came to pick me up for dinner.”

  Angel’s eyes shifted from my face back to the pages that she held. “You’re really upset about having to see him next weekend, aren’t you?”

  It felt like my heart was in my throat just at the thought of it, mostly because it didn’t sit well with me that the man who’d once been my everything, was now basically a stranger. I had no idea what to expect. That alone had me believing that Dr. Gill’s idea was a terrible one. What if that indifference that he spoke of in the letter had turned into hatred now even though he swore he wasn’t capable?

  I shook my head. “I swear if I wasn’t in the wedding, I wouldn’t even go at this point.”

  “Wait…” Angel interjected. “If you’re the Maid of honor, doesn’t that mean that you go down the aisle with the best man?”

  I cringed at the thought. “Normally, yes, but Maisha assured me that the way the planner arranged for us to march, AJ would be up at the front of the church with Terrell and I’d get to walk solo.”

  She nodded. “Oh, ok. I was about to say…”

  I laughed nervously, imagining how awkward that would be.

  Angel nudged me gently. “How’s Jason feel about meeting AJ?”

  “Meeting him? It’s not even gonna be like that. They’ll be in one another’s presence, but there won’t be any communication.”

  There was a moment that Angel paused to think, but didn’t speak her thoughts aloud. I checked the time on my phone. “Let me get ready,” I announced, slipping off the side of my bed.

  “Where y’all going to eat?”

  I shrugged. “Not sure, he just asked me if we could do dinner.”

  “Me and Lamar should join y’all.”

  I nodded; Jason wouldn’t mind. After all, the four of us doubled quite often, seeing as how Lamar is his older brother. “You call and see what he says. Have Lamar let Jason know what the plan is. I have to shower.”

  With that, I left Angel sitting on the side of my bed dialing her boyfriend. By the time I came back, she was gone and my phone blinked on my nightstand to let me know that I had a new text. Jason confirmed that our twosome had been converted into a foursome and that Angel and I were now meeting him and Lamar at a lounge a few blocks away instead of him coming by to pick me up – most likely that part was Angel’s idea; she loved walking the streets of the city, taking in the night’s atmosphere.

  Since it seemed like this would be a more casual affair, I grabbed a pair of dark-colored skinny jeans and a white tank top. I topped it off with a purple cardigan and black shoe-boots to match my black and purple handbag.

  “Ready?” Angel asked as I stepped into the living room.

  “Yeah, they should be there by now.”

  She nodded, turned the TV off, and then grabbed her purse from the table nestled against the back of the couch. We took to the streets, arm in arm, enjoying the perfect 70 degree weather. Perfect for both my sweater and Angel’s
black maxi dress.

  We got to the door of the lounge and my eyes found Jason and Lamar’s table right away. They hadn’t spotted us yet.

  “This way,” I said, pulling Angel in tow behind me. Dodging a server carrying a tray of drinks above his head, we maneuvered our way stealthily to our guys’ table.

  “Hey, babe.” Jason stood, kissed my cheek, and then let me slide into the booth before taking his seat again. Angel eased in across from me and picked up a menu.

  “We already ordered drinks,” Lamar managed to say, nuzzling his face into Angel’s neck. I smiled at their cuteness and gripped Jason’s hand beneath the table.

  “How’d your appointment go this afternoon?” I asked Jason, deciding to give my cousin and her boo their privacy while they shared a short kiss and greeting.

  “Good, actually. I should hear something before the weekend gets here.”

  I smiled. “That’s amazing! You’re amazing! I knew it would go well.”

  “Keep it up and that agency’s gonna be yours before you know it,” Lamar chimed in when he finally dragged himself away from Angel.

  Jason smiled modestly. “I don’t know about that, but I wouldn’t be mad at it.”

  The waitress – a pretty, darker-skinned girl I was almost sure served Angel and I the last time we came here alone – returned with four glasses and a bottle of wine. “Ready to order?” She beamed, letting her eyes linger on Jason a few seconds longer than they did on the rest of us when she asked. I couldn’t blame her, though; he was definitely a good-looking guy. Those eyes, that perfectly smooth brown skin, killer smile. What woman wouldn’t look at him? I smiled to myself instead of letting the girl’s lack of discretion irritate me.

  “Actually, I think we are,” Jason said, removing my unopened menu from in front of me. I was predictable when it came to deciding what I wanted to eat here; it was always the lemon chicken with rice pilaf for me.

  He rattled our order off to the waitress and Lamar did the same for him and Angel before our group was alone again. “So, everything lined up for the move?” Jason asked.

  I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, fearing where this conversation could lead.

  Angel turned and smiled at Lamar. “I’ll be painting the Master bedroom peach this weekend and I’ve already taken a lot of my boxes over. Two more weeks!” She smiled.

  Jason laughed a little and filled his glass with the expensive wine. “Peach, man?” He asked his brother from across the table.

  Lamar smiled and shrugged. “Whatever makes my baby happy.”

  Jason nodded in agreement. “Well said.” When his eyes shifted to me, I froze, forcing myself to stare at the entrance as random patrons filtered in and out of the establishment. “If only I could convince this one to take the same leap, she could be saving a ton of cash instead of shelling out rent every month when I have enough space for the both of us.”

  Yes, living with Jason was economically sound, and it made sense on a lot of different levels, but…I wasn’t ready. This subject matter had been a bone of contention between the two of us for a while because, technically, Angel and Lamar met through us, meaning they hadn’t been together as long as we had. Still, I didn’t see the point in putting the same constraints on our relationship because of this fact.

  Saved by the bell.

  At the precise moment that I needed a distraction, my text message alert sounded off in my purse. I typed in my unlock code and saw Deanna’s name at the top of the screen. When I touched the notification, the entire message opened.

  “Call me ASAP. We need to talk,” was all it said. Confusion crossed my face.

  “Something important?” Jason asked casually.

  I forced a smile despite the lingering sense of urgency Deanna’s message ensued. Considering the fact that we tend to only speak once or twice a month just to catch up, I couldn’t imagine what made her add the “ASAP” in there.

  “You know what? Actually, I’ll be back in a sec,” I replied.

  Jason stood so I could scoot out of our booth, and I weaved the narrow pathway between crowded tables that led to the bathroom. Luckily, there wasn’t anyone inside, giving me the peace and quiet I needed to hear Dee.

  “Hey, girl, whassup?” I said when she picked up with a somber ‘Hello?’

  “Were you busy?” She asked.

  I shrugged as if she could see me. “No, not especially. Out to dinner with Jason. What’s up? Everything okay?”

  The silence on the other end of the line made me cock my head to the side. “Dee?”

  She sighed into the receiver. “I just thought you should hear this from me,” she started. “I know the wedding’s next weekend…and you’re gonna be seeing AJ for the first time in a long time –“

  “Spit it out, girl,” I said with a smile, laughing a little to hide the nervousness in my tone.

  Another sigh. “I don’t want you to be caught off guard when you see the ring.”

  Confused, I chewed my bottom lip. “Ring?”

  She was holding back and I couldn’t figure out why. “Yeah…AJ’s bringing Kira to the wedding, I’m sure, and…they just got engaged.”

  My heart leapt in my chest and I clutched my throat lightly. A smile twitched at the corner of my mouth out of habit, but it quickly faded when I reminded myself that I didn’t have to fake for anyone. My legs felt numb and I couldn’t find words.

  “You there?” Deanna asked when I failed to respond.

  “Yeah…I’m here. That’s great,” I lied. “Good for him.”

  She wasn’t buying it. “I know you’ve moved on and all, but…I know what he meant to you once upon a time and I just wanted you to know.”

  I nodded. “When did he do it?”

  “Tonight. Just now. He invited Karl and me out along with some other people. We knew something was up, but we had no clue it was this.”

  “You’re there right now?” I asked, not bothering to hide the shock in my tone.

  “Yeah, I snuck into the bathroom to call you as soon as that rock was on her finger.”

  Despite how bitter Deanna sounded over the phone, I was aware of the fact that she actually liked Kira. By default, the two of them hung out on a few occasions because AJ and Karl still hung out. Considering the fact that they all still reside in or around the Fairfax area, it just made sense. I had a feeling that her misplaced anger was more or less because she didn’t want me to be hurt by the news.

  “You good?” She asked sympathetically.

  “Yeah, I’m fine. Me and AJ…that was kid stuff,” I replied, trying to convince myself that this was the truth. “Everyone has a first love, and rarely ever does it mean that they get to ride off into the sunset together. I’m happy for him. Really.”

  Deanna made me talk to her for a few more minutes and then rejoined the celebration awaiting her. I, on the other hand, stayed there, propped against the bathroom counter, thinking.

  In my heart, I believed that, on some level, I was happy that AJ had found happiness despite the way I’d left, but…the sensation of my stomach being turned upside down led me to believe otherwise.

  Engaged?

  Wow…

  Chapter Two

  AJ

  Kira’s arms were still tangled around my neck. I was pretty sure she was crying, but her face was hidden from me. The cheers and applause of our friends, co-workers, her parents, and my mother, still hadn’t died down yet. She was completely blindsided and I loved that I somehow managed to surprise her despite her best efforts to figure out why I insisted we go out to eat in the middle of the week.

  I came in from work to find her standing at the fridge in a pair of black yoga pants and tank top, trying to decide what to cook. When I caught her around her waist and kissed the side of her neck, she melted against my chest.

  “Let’s go out tonight. Just you, me, Karl, and Dee.”

  I could see her scrunch up her face without even looking. “It’s only Wednesday, sweetie. Let’s wait until
Friday. I’ve been busy cleaning all day because this is the first day I’ve had off since I don’t know when, and –“

  Nothing but a kiss would shut her up, so I planted one on those constantly moving lips of hers. She welcomed the gesture and didn’t put up much of a fight after that. While she went upstairs to shower and slip into that little, black dress that I love, I paced in the foyer, pulling the ring from my pocket every so often just to stare at it.

  The subject of marriage had come up between us a lot over the last few months, but there was no pressure on either end to change our status. Still, I knew that our love was mutual and we were in this for the long haul. Giving her a ring and my last name seemed like the next logical step. Hell, we’d already purchased a house together, which was way more paperwork than getting married, so…

  When she stepped out into the hallway and approached the top of the stairs, I quickly snapped the ring box shut and shoved it into the pocket of my suit jacket.

  “Ready?” I asked innocently.

  She smiled that smile that had been my saving grace at one of the darkest times of my life. “Aside from the fact that I’m being forced to share a meal in the presence of a bunch of strangers when all I want is pizza and a glass of wine….yes…I’m ready?”

  I smiled. “Always with the smart comments.”

  She smiled up at me as she hopped on one foot to pull up the back-strap of her stiletto. “You love it,” she replied.

  She was right about that. I loved everything about this woman. Her sense of humor, the way her mind works, her capacity to love…all of it.

  Kira followed me to the garage and climbed into the passenger side of my silver Bentley. Inside, she fidgeted with the radio like usual, and like always, she opted for a CD.

  “You owe me a foot massage for this, you know. Tonight was supposed to be chill.”

  I raised an eyebrow at Kira’s demand, which made her smack my arm lightly. “What’s that for?” She asked.

  “Have you seen your feet?” I shot back playfully.