“Did you tell her why we broke up?” I forced out before I could lose the nerve.
He cleaned the utensil in his hand and didn’t answer right away. “Not all of it.”
I wasn’t sure what that meant.
“I didn’t tell her what you went through,” he finally admitted.
Most likely, he had no idea what a powerful expression of respect it was that he’d used discretion concerning my ordeal with Antonio. I wasn’t even paying attention when he handed the fork over for me to rinse. When I failed to take it, he ran it beneath the water streaming from the faucet himself and placed it on the dish-drain.
“You could’ve easily told her everything – especially since you didn’t think we’d ever talk again,” I explained. “What made you keep –“
“It didn’t seem like that was any of her business,” was his response, shutting down anything I planned to say next.
AJ unplugged the drain and rinsed the cloth out before folding it and setting it aside. It wasn’t until he reached for his watch on top of the microwave that I emerged from my inner thoughts.
“Dinner was amazing,” he finally uttered.
I smiled and ran my fingers through my hair after wiping them dry. “Thanks. I would’ve done more, but I was pressed for time.”
“It was great. It was nice to have something that came hot out the oven instead of a bag or box,” he joked.
I followed behind him as he walked to get his phone and keys from my coffee table. I pulled the door open once he’d gathered all of his things. Just before crossing the threshold, AJ stopped, but didn’t say or do whatever he’d originally intended. Instead, he just let his eyes roam over my face. A flash of heat consumed my cheeks again, which made him smile.
“It’s funny how that never gets old,” he said with a soft chuckle.
“How what never gets old?”
He removed his hands from his pockets briefly to point at my face. “Seeing you blush. Reminds me of that first time I came to your house that Sunday your parents weren’t home.”
I smiled again and I’m sure my cheeks reddened even more. “You remember that? The day of the week, I mean?”
He looked at me like I was crazy. “Of course I remember – the day after our last homecoming dance.” The smile on his face dimmed as nostalgia crept in. “Some things you just never forget.”
I pursed my lips and nodded in agreement. “Yeah…I guess not.”
The silence between us was interrupted when a neighbor excused himself as he passed by my door. Nervous, I smoothed my hands down the front of my shirt and looked everywhere but into AJ’s eyes.
“I should probably take off,” he said, sounding like that wasn’t really what he wanted to do, but rather what he had to do.
“Okay…be careful getting home.”
I wasn’t ready to let him go, god knows I wasn’t, but I prayed that AJ couldn’t see the desperation bleeding through my expression. I just wanted a little bit more of his time – maybe more than a little bit if I was being honest with myself. To hide my feelings, I forced a smile.
He continued to linger despite the fact that we’d already said our goodbyes. “You know what? I’m just gonna do it,” he announced just before leaning in and taking me into his arms. My chin rested on his shoulder when he stooped a little to hug me. I wasn’t sure where my hands should go. Was around his waist more appropriate than around his neck? I gave up trying to figure out the logistics and just draped them around his neck like I always had – back when he was mine.
I tried like you’d never believe not to get caught up in the feel of him holding me, but this was different than when he’d consoled me on the street the night before. This felt real. Felt…right. My chest pressed against his and I knew that I should let him go…but I couldn’t. Before I realized what I was doing, my fingers made their way into the back of his silken, black hair. His face was warm against mine and I imagined his lips were ten times hotter.
When I backed off suddenly, the look on AJ’s face led me to believe that he already knew why. If I hadn’t, this would’ve turned into a replay of the dance floor at Terrell and Maisha’s wedding reception. And with no one here to stop us this time…..
I took a couple steps back and folded my arms over my chest. “It was um…nice having you over,” I said softly.
He took a deep breath and nodded. “We’ll have to do it again sometime.”
I nodded too and smiled tensely. When AJ turned to walk away, twice I almost called him back just to see what would happen if I did. But then I remembered everything – Jason, Kira, what I’d done to AJ in the past – and I quietly eased back inside my apartment and closed the door, knowing that I had no right to feel what I was starting to feel for him. As badly as I wanted to, I couldn’t let myself think that we could just turn back the hands of time. There was no way to erase what’d happened or the fact that we’d both moved on.
Hadn’t I sealed our fate five years ago when I left Charleston? I’d taken the pen right out of AJ’s hand and carelessly butchered our final chapter myself….one heartbreaking word at a time.
Leaning against the door, I repeated the words “You can’t have him,” to myself again, but this time…I admittedly believed it a little less than I did before.
Chapter Fourteen
Sam
Sitting in the back of the cab, I had my shoe off and on the seat while I rubbed my sore, tired feet on the way to meet Jason. Work was hell, but I wasn’t about to cancel on him. I had mixed feelings about hearing what he had to say – especially after the night I’d had with AJ roughly twenty-four hours ago. On the one hand, I was still thunderstruck by Jason’s secret, but on the other I was reminded of how much we’d been through together, how he’d put up with my quirks, loving me despite my hang-ups. Call me crazy, but I had a soft spot for him. Not many men could love a woman as broken as I was when we got together.
Before Jason, I hadn’t been with a guy period since AJ, let alone been in a relationship. But then I met him and he made me want to try again. It was those same feelings that made me fall for him in the first place that had me walking through the doors of a crowded lounge instead of the door to my apartment.
I could see clear to the back from the entrance. There he sat, nervously swirling the drink in his glass as I approached the table. When he saw me coming, he hopped to his feet and pulled out my chair. His weary expression caught my attention as we embraced and I lingered there in his arms for a while. Had I missed him? Yes, absolutely. However, I now felt like I was hugging a stranger considering the fact that there was a whole side to him that I didn’t even know about until a short time ago.
Kissing my cheek, Jason finally released me and took his seat again. “I’m glad you came,” he said, staring at me intently from across the table.
I nodded, but didn’t say a word.
He reached to clutch my hand in his. “I’ve missed you so much. You have no idea.”
“I’ve missed you too,” I admitted freely. “But I have to be real with you, Jason, I’m not sure where we stand right now.”
His expression went slack.
I stared into his eyes and tried to imagine him in the role of husband and father to two strangers currently residing in Boston. Thinking about it, I looked away and shook my head.
“Sam…baby…I know I’ve said it a thousand times in text messages and on your voicemail, but I’m sorry. I really am. You have no idea how stupid I feel for keeping this all from you.”
I heard him pleading, but I found it hard to have sympathy.
“You know what hurts the worst?” I asked. “The fact that I told you things about me that I’ve never told anyone, Jason.” I thought back to the night I told him about Antonio. After talking about it, I lay awake crying in Jason’s arms half the night because it was so painful to relive that incident. But I did that for him, because I thought he deserved to know everything there was to know about me. Next I thought about when I reveal
ed to him that AJ and I had lost a child right before starting college. Still, knowing all these things about me, he didn’t feel obligated to tell me about his past too?
Jason hung his head. “I know you’re disappointed –“
“Disappointed? Jason, I’m beyond disappointed!” I realized that I was being loud and lowered my tone. “You’re a father? And technically you’re still someone’s husband! How do you think that makes me feel?” I sat back in my seat and crossed my arms over my chest. “What’s that make me? Your mistress?”
It looked like hearing me refer to myself in this way hurt Jason as much as it hurt me to say it. “What? No! Sam, I love you!” he tightened his grip on my hand.
When I didn’t respond, he realized that we weren’t getting anywhere.
“These twelve days without you have been hell, Sam” he admitted softly.
Hearing this made me feel guilty because my last couple days with AJ had prevented me from missing Jason as much as I should have. I cleared my throat and looked into his eyes again.
“I’m willing to do whatever I have to do to keep you,” he added.
I met Jason’s gaze but didn’t say anything. He looked down at our hands intertwined in the center of the table. “How about this; I’ll tell you everything and you can ask whatever questions you have.”
Reluctantly, I nodded, trying to ignore the fact that this conversation should’ve taken place two years ago.
With a sigh, Jason began. “Her name’s Camille. We met in college – freshman year. By junior year, she was pregnant and neither one of us really knew what to do next. It was one of those things - I loved her, she loved me, but….we weren’t ready for marriage. Finding out that she was about to have my son kind of made that null and void, though.” Jason paused to sip his drink. “We barely made it a year with all the arguing and carrying on. Ryan was only a few months old when we finally decided to call it quits.”
I stared at him in shock. “How old is he again?”
“Six,” Jason admitted, already knowing where I was going.
“So you two have been separated all that time? Why not make things final and file for divorce?”
Jason fidgeted with his glass. “Financially, it’s just better if we keep things like they are.”
I leaned back and folded my arms over my chest. “Wait a minute. Hold up. So…you have no intentions on divorcing her anytime soon?”
He scrambled for the right words to say, the words that would keep me in my seat instead of heading toward the exit like I was currently contemplating. “Well…I…if I do that right now, I’d have to pay a ton in child support and alimony, Sam. Leaving things like they are, I’m only taking care of my son. Clothes, money for field trips, Christmas, birthdays, whatever he needs for the sports he plays…I take care of all of that, Sam,” Jason bragged. “Trust me, I make sure he has everything he needs.”
“Except you,” slipped out by accident.
Jason stared at me across the table, speechless.
I lowered my head. “I didn’t mean to say it like that, but I won’t bother taking it back.”
I sat and waited for Jason to speak again, but when he didn’t, I wondered if he’d considered the parallelism between his situation and mine.
“Your son’s six. My child would’ve been the same age right now if things had worked out,” I admitted. “I don’t mean to be judgmental, but I don’t understand how you can have an opportunity that I was never afforded, an opportunity that was taken from me, and you simply choose not to be a part of his life.” When Jason’s silence persisted, I continued. “And I can’t help but to wonder if I’m part of the reason you haven’t been there for him lately. Before seeing him a few weeks ago when we went to the wedding, how long had it been?” I asked, both curious and afraid of what Jason’s response might be.
When he lowered his head, that was all the answer I needed. “I don’t get there as often as I should, but –“
“When, Jason?”
He mumbled his answer so quietly that I almost didn’t hear him. “It was about this time last year.”
All I could do was shake my head. I recalled hearing him state that one day he wanted me to be his wife and for us to start a family together. How could I fantasize about starting a life with a man who was already failing at being a father?
“I can’t do this Jason – I can’t be the one who keeps you from your son, and I can’t pretend like I don’t know that you’re married.”
“Sam, it’s not like Camille and I are still in a relationship,” he reasoned. “That’s been over for years.”
“Over, and yet, not over.” I slipped my hand from his. “I’m uncomfortable knowing that some other woman has your last name, Jason, regardless of how many miles are between you two, and regardless of if you’re in love with her or not.”
If he couldn’t understand that, I wasn’t sure what else I could say to get through to him.
The background noise seemed to fall away. “So what’re you saying?” he asked solemnly, maybe already feeling what was coming next.
I couldn’t think of any other way to go about this. He had no intentions of divorcing Camille anytime soon and he was more than likely going to continue his patterns as a father. I didn’t want any parts of either situation. “I’m sorry, but…we’re done,” I said with an air of regret in my tone, feeling like I’d just wasted the last two years of my life.
All the color drained from Jason’s face and his eyes dimmed to a dull green as he stared at me from across the table.
“So, after everything, that’s it?” He asked, his voice growing louder now that I’d dropped the news on him. “After all we’ve been through? After all I’ve put up with, you’re walking away from me because of this?”
“Jason, it’s not like you just have a secret bank account that you didn’t mention, or forgot to mention that you have a half-brother somewhere….this is a big deal!” I thought for a moment. “And what do you mean ‘after all you’ve put up with’? Enlighten me! What exactly have I put you through?”
He shook his head and sighed – frustrated, shocked, pissed the hell off. “Nothing. Just forget it.”
I crossed my arms over my chest. “No! I’d like to hear what you have to say! Tell me what it is that I’ve put you through exactly.”
He met my gaze and the tension in his jaw was evident. His expression changed and I stared, waiting for him to speak his mind.
“Granted, I should’ve handled this situation differently, but…you’re just done? Just like that? You really think this relationship’s been easy for me? I know I’m not perfect, but neither are you!”
Confused as to what he was talking about, I didn’t respond.
Jason sighed deeply and leaned in on his elbows so that he wouldn’t have to speak loudly. “Sam, you’re cold, emotionally unavailable, and then there’s all your rules! I can’t even touch you without you practically jumping out your skin.”
My heart sank. I couldn’t believe he just said that. He knew why I had so many hang ups! Emotionally unavailable? He made me sound like some frigid old woman who couldn’t stand to be touched. Was that really how he thought of me?
I felt my throat tighten and tears threatened to spill over, but I refused to let them fall. He would not know that my feelings were hurt. “Well…I guess you’ve been waiting to get that off your chest for a while because it had absolutely nothing to do with any of this. But if that was some sad attempt at making me feel like I’m so inadequate that no one would love me but you, it’s not working, mostly because I’m not afraid to be alone.” I snatched my purse from the back of my seat and was getting ready to leave when Jason spoke again.
“No one knows that better than me,” he added.
I leveled a glare at him. “Excuse me? No one knows what better than you?”
“That you’re not afraid to be alone. Sometimes I think you’d prefer it.”
Unbelievable. “It’s good to know how you really
feel after all this time, Jason. Thank you for making this so much easier.”
When he grabbed my hand, I’d just risen from my seat. I stared into his eyes and it was impossible to hide the hurt this time. The second Jason realized how his words had affected me, remorse filled his expression.
“I didn’t mean that.”
I scoffed. “No, actually, you did mean it.”
He blew out a breath and didn’t let my hand go. “Just stay and talk to me. It doesn’t have to end like this.”
I disagreed….strongly.
“You just made it very clear that you’re staying in your marriage, and you also made it very clear that I’m not giving you what you need out of this relationship.” Admitting that out loud made me feel like I was just as broken and flawed as the day I first arrived in New York.
“I wasn’t trying to hurt your feelings,” Jason said softly.
“Well, it sure as hell felt like it. Why else would you have said it?” I swiped at the lone tear that rolled down my cheek. “You’ve felt like that the whole time, haven’t you?” I asked, not really wanting to know the answer.
He released a frustrated sigh. “I understand that it’s because of what you went through.”
“That’s not what I asked you.” He waited until now to say it, to deflect some of the attention off of his own imperfections, but obviously he’d always thought these things about me. My feelings and my pride were both a little bruised.
I watched as Jason sorted through his thoughts, picking and choosing the words that he thought would get him in the least amount of trouble, knowing that he had to give some sort of an explanation.
“I knew there were wounds that’d have to heal…..but I didn’t expect it to take this long. I thought –“ he sighed halfway through his sentence. “I thought I could fix you.”
And there it was. “Jason…I’ve never needed you to ‘fix’ me.” I laughed cynically and turned my face away when I couldn’t stand to look at him any longer. “You should’ve put your time and energy into raising your kid, not trying to raise me,” I added as I stood again, deciding that our conversation was over.
Exposed (Free Falling) Page 17
