Exposed (Free Falling)

by Raven St. Pierre

  I stared at Jason’s words on the small card.

  “What’s it say? ‘Will you be my girlfriend; circle ‘yes’ or ‘no’?” Angel joked.

  Distracted as I reread the note for a second time, I never replied. Angel chose to read over my shoulder when she couldn’t stand to wait any longer.

  “File for what?” she asked.

  I sighed, realizing that there was no way around this; I’d have to tell her the truth about me and Jason’s breakup.

  “Just…come in,” I replied, unlocking my door and stepping inside.

  My head was spinning as I busied myself putting the couch cushions back together and picking my towel up from the floor. Angel stood by, watching, waiting for me to explain. When I plopped down, her attention was on me.

  “Okay…,” I sighed. “I wasn’t going to go into detail about me and Jason because I didn’t want to involve you, but…has Lamar ever mentioned someone by the name of Ryan to you?”

  She seemed confused as she shook her head.

  “Well…that’s Jason’s son.”

  Her eyebrows pulled together as she tried to make sense of it all. “I’m sorry, Jason’s what now?”

  I nodded. “You heard right. Jason has a six year old son…and a wife,” I added.

  Her eyes bucked. “Wife? Like…I…I don’t understand.”

  “That makes two of us. I didn’t find out until a couple weeks ago. They’ve been separated for a while, but they’re still married technically.”

  “Just…wow,” was all she could say.

  “Don’t be mad at Lamar; Jason’s his brother. You can’t just expect him to spread his business.”

  Angel nodded her head, still deep in thought.

  “That’s why we broke up – he wasn’t willing to divorce her because he’d have to come up off more money than he already is. That’s what that note was about. Apparently, he’s had a change of heart overnight.”

  She met my gaze and witnessed the perplexed look on my face. There were so many scenarios running through my head that it felt like the room was spinning. On the one hand, I was woman enough to admit that I still had very strong feelings for AJ – there was no denying that. However, he had a whole life outside of me that I couldn’t expect him to abandon just because we’d…reconnected. He didn’t owe me anything. In fact, I was surprised that he was willing to even give me the time of day after how I left things when I moved.

  “What’re you gonna do?” Angel asked. “How serious is AJ about this other chick?”

  There was a long bout of silence while I deliberated, eventually just deciding to tell her the whole truth.

  “Serious,” I replied.

  She cocked her head to the side. “Meaning?”

  I looked down at the floor and recalled the things I’d tried to get AJ to think about last night – the aftermath.

  “They’re engaged,” I finally admitted.

  Angel’s lack of a response said more than any words ever could’ve. Because she and I are so close, we think a lot alike. If the shoe were on the other foot, and it was her telling me that she’d just caught feelings for a man who was about to marry someone else, my advice would be to cut things off now before it got any deeper. But…this is AJ we’re talking about; there’s no ‘cutting things off’. I’ve been in as deep as you can get with him since day one.

  I looked up when Angel sighed, maybe thinking that there was nothing she could say to make me stop talking to or seeing him. The weak smile she forced implied that she sensed doom at the end of this story, but she never said it out loud.

  “Well…whatever happens…you know I’ve got you,” she concluded.

  And I did know that. But hopefully I wouldn’t be calling her, needing to be pieced back together when it was all said and done.

  A dollar short and a day late as usual, I had a moment of clarity where I considered the fact that I may need to pump the brakes before I crashed and burned.

  *****

  AJ

  “Did I catch you at a bad time?” I asked, noting all the background noise on Terrell’s end of the line.

  “Nah, Maisha has me out at this crowded mall, but I can talk; she’s trying on clothes. Whassup?”

  A smile stretched across my face thinking about my night with Sam. Granted we’d already discussed letting Terrell in on the secret, but I had to admit – I just needed to be able to talk about it with someone.

  “So…there’s something I didn’t tell you the last time you called. Part of the reason was because I wasn’t sure where things were headed and I’m still not, to be quite honest with you, but…Sam and I have been talking again.”

  The laugh that he let out had me shaking my head while I sat on my window sill, watching people pass below.

  “Bout time!” he yelled, probably drawing all sorts of attention to himself. “Since when?”

  “Wednesday night. We talked on the phone a while, went out to eat, talked some more, and we hung out Thursday and last night, too,” I admitted freely.

  He continued to laugh. “Aw, man! I knew you wanted to call her!”

  I laughed too. “Yeah…well. I just thought you’d like to know. I’m sure Sam will tell Maisha when she’s ready to.”

  “Forget that! I already sent her a text in the dressing room! I worked too hard to hook y’all back up to let Sam steal my moment,” he reasoned. “But for real, though, are y’all kicking it or playing like y’all are just friends?”

  He knew us well. “Eh…we tried the friends thing, but…that didn’t last all that long.”

  He exploded with laughter again. “That’s what I’m talking ‘bout!”

  I didn’t say anything, just shook my head while picturing him making a scene in the store.

  “So, what’s the plan then?” he asked.

  “What plan?”

  He sighed like I should already know what he meant. “What’s your next move, man? With Sam? With Kira?” When I didn’t answer, he continued. “You haven’t even thought that far have you?”

  Honestly? No, I hadn’t really. I’d tried the night before, but gave up and decided to just revel in the moment. But in my defense, I already said I was bad at this. I wasn’t calculated and devious enough to get the enjoyment out of these situations like a lot of guys are. To me, I’d created a mess, albeit one that I didn’t particularly regret, but I wasn’t proud of it.

  “I’m just taking it one day at a time,” I replied.

  “Naw, naw, naw…you need a plan.”

  I laughed. “Have you done this before?” I asked, already knowing the answer, but wanting him to understand why I was about to ignore his advice.

  “I don’t have to have been in your situation to know how it should be handled,” he answered. “You at least have to have your endgame in mind. I mean…what’s Sam want out of this?”

  I hadn’t asked her, but I could tell based on the emotional connection the night before, this wasn’t just about sex for either one of us.

  When I didn’t say anything, Terrell was happy to keep talking. “Look. My advice? Let Sam know how you really feel about her, let Kira down sooner rather than later, and tell me and Maish where we need to be when you and Sam stop playing games and finally jump the broom. Hell! I’ll bring my own broom for y’all to jump! It’s one of those tacky green ones, but it’ll get the job done. I’m just tired of waiting,” he concluded.

  I laughed, but I knew there wasn’t anything particularly funny about this situation. One way or another, someone was going to get hurt, and someone would end up blaming me for breaking their heart – something I wasn’t accustomed to doing. So it wasn’t a question of ‘if’ at this point, it was only a question of ‘who’?

  “Like I said…sooner is better than later,” Terrell repeated.

  I nodded. He was right. “Yeah…I know.”

  “But in the meantime, you know you’re my boy, but…Sam’s been through a lot. I know you felt some of that pain too when things went down th
e way they did, but…” he thought about his words before saying them. “…Just remember that she’s not as tough as she pretends to be,” he concluded, leaving me with his friendly rendition of the ‘hurt her and I’ll hurt you’ speech that brothers give when entrusting their sisters’ hearts in some other man’s care. I wasn’t upset because I knew that he’d always regarded Sam as a sister, and in some ways, that overshadowed our friendship. I could even relate, though; protecting her was important to me too.

  “I hear you,” I replied.

  “Alright, then. I’ll hit you back in a while; Maisha just came out the fitting room with more clothes than she went in with – however that happens. I swear she’s tryna put us in the poorhouse. ”

  “Sure. We’ll talk later.”

  I ended the call and continued to stare out the window at the ever-changing scenery. Terrell was right; I needed to sort things out…soon. Since leaving Sam’s, I still hadn’t placed a call to Kira, which I knew would only make her more suspicious the more time that passed. Unsure as to what I’d say, I dialed her, and waited. Three rings later, and she picked up.

  “Hey,” she answered solemnly, sounding both confused and hurt that she hadn’t heard from me in almost twenty-four hours.

  “Hey.” To me, my tone sounded guilty. “How’re you?”

  She was quiet at first. “Good, I guess. Just…sitting here,” she sighed.

  I became uncomfortable all of a sudden. “Yeah…I saw you called last night, but I was um…still working. Things have been crazy these past few days.”

  I closed my eyes, both hoping she’d believe the lie I’d just told and feeling like the biggest dick ever for deceiving her.

  “I kind of figured as much when you didn’t pick up,” she replied. “But I didn’t expect to hear from you so late in the day today, though.”

  I scratched the back of my neck and scolded myself for waiting until nearly noon to call. “Yeah, I…slept in because I got in so late.”

  This felt wrong as hell.

  “Oh…makes sense,” she said back, trying to laugh a little to hide the awkward tension between us.

  Part of the problem was that we hadn’t seen one another face to face in such a long time, but the other part was that I couldn’t even get through these first few seconds of our conversation without thinking about Sam - visualizing her naked, hearing her say my name…and I felt conflicted. I waivered back and forth between feeling like a douchebag and feeling justified in my actions.

  “So…what’re your plans for today?” Kira asked when she got tired of the silence.

  “Cleaning mostly, but otherwise, just hanging out here I guess.” As soon as I said it, I knew I should’ve made it sound like my day would be busier than that. I’d already told Sam I’d be back, and now I wouldn’t have an excuse for not answering Kira’s calls while I was there. I officially sucked at this.

  “Same here,” she replied. “Reina’s supposed to be coming in tonight, so I have to freshen up the guestroom.”

  I shook my head at her still trying to hold on to that twisted relationship, but I didn’t say anything.

  “Cool,” was all I said back and I wasn’t sure if she could hear the sarcasm in my tone or not, but it was definitely there. “How long is she gonna be there?”

  “Um…I think until Tuesday or Wednesday. Don’t worry, she’ll be gone before you get back in town,” she promised. “You’ll be in Thursday night, right?”

  Thinking about going back to Fairfax made me feel sick – all that pretending. “Yeah – plane leaves right after work.” If there’d been any way to get out of this trip, I would’ve taken it, but my father mentioned me coming back for this important meeting before I’d even accepted my current position. It couldn’t be avoided.

  “Good,” Kira said, sounding genuinely happy for the first time during our entire conversation. “I already have something special planned for you.”

  I sighed inwardly. “Can’t wait,” I lied.

  “Well…I should start getting this room together. I still have to get some groceries in the house – haven’t cooked a whole lot since you left, but with the twins, Reina’s gonna be eating like crazy I’m sure, so....”

  “Go ahead. I’ll be around.”

  “K…I love you,” she concluded.

  Hearing her speak the words brought a wave of shame that I couldn’t dodge. “You too,” I replied quietly.

  When she was off the line, I had no idea how I’d just gotten through that. Now, all I had left to do was make it through Thursday and Friday with her, and I’d be in the clear again.

  Simple, right?

  Chapter Seventeen

  AJ

  After knocking, I stood in the hallway outside Sam’s door waiting for her to answer; however, I had a feeling that the loud music playing inside meant that she had no idea I was even out there. It’d gotten so late that I assumed she must’ve thought I wasn’t coming back. I shot her a quick ‘Your hallway sure is cozy’ text and I heard the music die down. A few seconds later, she opened up with a dim smile on her face and paint spatters all over the old button-down shirt she wore.

  I stepped inside, dropped my overnight bag, and smiled at the blue smudge on her face. When I slowly ran my thumb across her cheek to remove it, she tucked her lip inside her mouth timidly as her gaze drifted down to the floor.

  “Either you’re in there torturing smurfs or someone felt inspired to paint today,” I said, taking slow steps behind her as she traipsed back toward the studio.

  She glanced back and grinned a little over her shoulder, but said nothing.

  I returned the gesture and entered the room behind her. The radio still lulled in the background, just not as loudly as before. There were all sorts of jars and brushes of various sizes all over the place. Sam started gathering her supplies and I realized that she was cleaning up.

  “Don’t stop on my account,” I said, plopping down on the futon against the far wall.

  She chewed her lip when glancing over. A response didn’t come immediately, and it dawned on me that she might still be shy about her work. It’d been a small miracle that she’d allowed me into her attic when we were kids

  “Unless you-“

  “No…,” she smiled. “It’s fine. You can watch if you want.”

  I settled into the cushion again, watching her take to the stool before the piece she’d been working on before I showed up.

  Painting had been a passion of hers since she was a young girl. I cocked my head to the side and watched in awe as she made another graceful stroke across the canvas. Even covered from head to toe in paint, she was pure perfection. As if to tease me while I gawked at her, Sam propped both feet on the bars beneath the stool, her bare thighs peeking out from either side of that oversized shirt, leaving me to wonder if all she had on underneath were underwear. I swallowed hard and continued to contemplate.

  “So what’d you do all day?” she asked.

  She wasn’t upset, just curious as to why I waited until nearly ten at night to return. The truth? I needed to clear my head a bit before coming back, not wanting her to mistake my sullen mood for something that it wasn’t.

  “Cleaned up like I said, and ran a few errands I forgot about,” I explained. “I had a few shirts to take to the cleaners and I needed a new pair of ear-buds – I think I left mine in a cab.”

  “Those cab drivers have to make a fortune just in lost and found items,” she laughed.

  “Tell me about it.”

  I cleared my throat and continued to stare at her bronzy thighs, imagining them wrapped around my waist…or my neck…either one. It wasn’t until she turned to stare that I realized I’d missed a question.

  “What’d you say?”

  She smiled. “I asked if you were thirsty. Want me to get you something.”

  I shook my head. “No, I’m good just watching you.”

  She smiled a little before turning back to her masterpiece. I cleared my throat and tried to thi
nk of something to say instead of just stalking her with my eyes.

  “Did your parents convert the attic into something else or is it still set up for you?” I asked, trying to distract myself from…well…her.

  When she reached aside to change brushes, I could see her smiling. “Nope. They haven’t touched it. My dad says my mom pitched a fit when he tried to move his study up there – like I’m gonna move back home one day or something.”

  I chuckled, thinking back to how much her mother cried during the weeks leading up to Sam leaving for college. “Well, at least it’s there for when you visit. Do you make it back often?” I asked.

  She paused with her hand midway to the canvas. Eventually whatever thought she had vanished and she touched the brush to the painting. “I uh…I don’t visit. Not anymore,” she admitted.

  I frowned. “Ever?”

  She shook her head silently. “It’s been a couple years now.” There was a pause in conversation before she added, “The last time I was there, I ran into Mrs. Martin – Antonio’s mother.”

  Instantly, I regretted bringing it up. “I’m sorry. I didn’t –“

  Sam waved me off. “No, it’s fine. I’m okay talking about it now. Therapy has helped a lot with that.”

  I watched her in awe, wondering if she had any idea how strong she was.

  “But we’ll just say that that run-in was traumatic enough that it cured me of homesickness…quick,” she added under her breath. “I just keep thinking that one day it’ll be him that I run into and…I don’t know if that would be as easy to get over.”

  The next image that popped into my head was of myself throwing that first satisfying blow to Antonio’s face when he opened the door to his apartment the night that I went to deal with him. That moment was definitely one with bittersweet connotations, but more sweet than bitter.

  I’m not ashamed to admit that my only regret there is the fact that I didn’t get to finish him off like I wanted to. Jail wasn’t good enough for him or anyone like him. When Terrell showed up out of nowhere to stop me, I was so far gone that I had to stare at him for a moment to recognize who he even was. I had a one track mind and it was hell-bent on ending Antonio’s life, because, essentially, he’d ended Sam’s – stolen her youth, her innocence. Terrell caught my arm in midair before I could deliver that final blow to Antonio’s temple while he lay there gasping as blood drained from his mouth and nose. That image is one that I will never forget.