Exposed (Free Falling)

by Raven St. Pierre

  “If you want to relax, I’ll heat dinner again,” were the first words Kira had spoken in a while and they were said with an air of uncertainty.

  That wasn’t right; she hadn’t done anything. I decided then that I had to change my attitude. There was misplaced animosity that I wasn’t expecting to feel toward her, but it was definitely affecting the way I’d treated her since the second she met me at the airport. My tone and responses were clipped, and my body language was putting her on the defense too. Taking a deep breath, I set my bag down, deciding to put forth more of an effort.

  “Need help?”

  She looked up, surprised when I made the offer, smiling a little. “No…just relax. I’ll call you when it’s ready.”

  I nodded, forcing myself to smile back, and took my things upstairs. Everything was clean and neat just like always. I sat on the edge of the bed and looked around after turning on the lamp. Kira had packed up some of our things already, so there were boxes in the corners, but otherwise everything was in its place.

  “What the hell are you doing?” I said to myself, letting it sink in that in a few weeks, she’d be moving in with me and leaving her life and her job behind, while I wasn’t even sure that this was what I still wanted. She’d already sunk time and money into the wedding, which was bad enough. I couldn’t let her completely uproot herself to follow me – not if I wanted to be able to look at myself in the mirror later.

  When Kira called out from the bottom of the stairs, letting me know that dinner was ready, I’d been sitting there pondering my dilemma for almost twenty minutes. I had zero appetite, but I had to try to act as normal as possible. She’d set up the table like we were having guests – all for me. She smiled from her seat as two candles flickered between us.

  “There’s plenty more when you finish. I figured you’d be going back for seconds since you haven’t had a home-cooked meal in so long.”

  Or so she thought.

  Forcing yet another smile, I reached for my fork. I placed a wedge of potato in my mouth, only to look up and find Kira staring at me.

  “You sure everything’s okay?” she asked. “You seem…I don’t know…distracted? Are you stressed about the meeting tomorrow?” She was genuinely concerned.

  I shook my head. “No, the meeting’s not really a big deal. I just have to be present.”

  She tried to smile, but I got the feeling she was worried. “Is it something else then?”

  I almost confessed right then and there – that’s how heavy my heart was. My stomach turned and I acknowledged again that I wasn’t cut out for this lifestyle. “Everything’s fine,” I lied, continuing to chew. “The food’s good, though.”

  She nodded, accepting my compliment with a smile, and finally started eating from her plate. There were very few words exchanged between us, making for one extremely awkward ‘welcome home’ dinner. I accepted the blame for that one-hundred percent.

  Kira collected the dishes and I went up to shower, using that time to detox as much as possible. Naturally, my thoughts drifted to Sam – wondering what she was doing, hoping she knew that this visit was strictly work-related. Sure, I was sharing a space with Kira, but that was merely a default arrangement. I couldn’t very well come into town and go to a hotel instead of the house I was still technically paying the mortgage on. But I was dead-set against being intimate with Kira. Not just now, but while Sam and I were involved. Period. That I couldn’t do. It was bad enough that I was stringing Kira along emotionally. It’d be on a whole different level of douchebaggery to be sleeping with them both at the same time.

  I turned off the water and dressed quickly in the bedroom while Kira finished up in the kitchen. I put my phone in the pocket of my sweats so I could sneak away to make a call as soon as the coast was clear. As if the universe was answering my silent prayer for just a few minutes of solitude to talk to Sam, Kira came in and gave me the out that I needed.

  “Be back in a few. I’m gonna go shower, too.” She smiled and then took her robe into the bathroom with her. As soon as I heard the water turn on, I raced down the stairs to the living room with the phone already ringing.

  “Hey,” Sam answered, trying to hide how happy she was to hear from me.

  “Told you I’d call,” I replied just above a whisper. She giggled quietly and I found myself wishing I could’ve been sitting there beside her.

  “You did say that, but I honestly didn’t believe you,” she admitted with another soft laugh.

  “Why not?”

  “It doesn’t matter,” she said dismissively. “But either way, I’m glad you made good on your word. How was the flight?”

  I sat back and sighed. “Fine. No problems.”

  “Good.”

  We were plunged into silence after she replied, so I decided to pick up where our conversation left off before we got caught up in my office. “I know I already apologized, but…I really am sorry for not calling those few days. It – ”

  “Don’t even worry about it,” she interrupted. “I get it.”

  I smiled. “But I’m glad you came to see me today.”

  She hesitated, which made me look down at my phone to make sure the call hadn’t dropped. “Yeah…me too,” she finally answered.

  Did she really think I was gonna let that go?

  “What was that about?” I asked, casually, leaning deeper into the couch.

  She sighed heavily into the phone and confirmed my suspicions; something was wrong. “Can I be honest with you about something?” she asked.

  I frowned at the question. “Of course you can. What is it?”

  She released another breath before going on. “Okay…..soooo…..what would you say if I told you that my reason for coming to your job today wasn’t what you thought it was?”

  I stared at the gold-framed mirror hanging above the fireplace, expressionless. “I’d ask what your real reason was,” I replied, running through a mental list of possibilities while I waited.

  She was silent on the other end for quite some time. When she finally did speak, she had my complete, undivided attention. “The truth is…you weren’t the only one who needed to do some thinking these past few days,” she began. “I did quite a bit of soul-searching myself.”

  Realizing that this conversation could go one of two ways, I asked, “And what’d you come up with?”

  “Well…” she breathed. “What I came up with and what happened are two totally different things.”

  I kept my eyes on the mirror and said nothing.

  “My plan was to end things between us today, AJ.”

  We both sat silently for a while. Unsure of what her thoughts were, mine drifted back over our encounter earlier that day. At some point, she’d gone from having her heart set on that being the last time we spoke or saw one another, to being hemmed up on my desk with her legs spread. Clearly something got lost in translation. Now I was confused.

  “I didn’t realize that’s what you had in mind.”

  She actually laughed a little. “Yeah…clearly things didn’t exactly go like I meant for them to.”

  I sat quietly , imagining what would’ve happened if she’d come into my office and stuck to her guns. “So…what now?” I asked. As hard as it was to add the second part of that question, I had to. “Is that still what you want to do?”

  Sam took a deep breath and it felt like it took an hour for her to respond. “I may not like the situation, but I’m obviously not going anywhere…..I can’t,” she added, almost sounding ashamed.

  My heart wrenched at the idea of her feeling like this was her rightful place in my life.

  “I’m gonna fix this,” I promised, although neither one of us had a clue at the time what that meant. All I knew was I hated the idea of her sitting by twiddling her thumbs while I kept her in limbo. A decision would have to be made – one way or another.

  The sound of Kira walking around upstairs meant that I should end the call.

  “I have to go, but first t
hing Saturday morning, I’m coming to see you so we can talk,” I promised.

  Sam didn’t say much else, just replied with a solemn, “Okay,” just before the line went silent.

  When Kira came and stood beside the couch, I was still staring at the screen of my phone, thinking very seriously about calling Sam back just because I hated the way that call ended. It left me feeling undone – like more should’ve been said.

  “Who was that?” Kira asked casually, no trace of accusation in her tone.

  I turned to look at her towel-drying her hair.

  “Uh…work,” I responded, noting again how much I hated to lie.

  Kira frowned. “Is everything okay?”

  I nodded. “Yeah, just a minor hiccup I think.”

  “Well,” she smiled. “…I just hope they don’t try to steal you away sooner than planned. You’re mine until nine o’clock tomorrow night.”

  I forced a smile.

  Walking closer, Kira reached for my hands and had me stand to my feet so that she could wrap her thin arms around my waist. When I couldn’t think of any way to not hug her back without it being obvious, I placed my hands loosely on her back.

  “We should head to bed,” she suggested softly. “We have a lot of lost time to make up for.”

  My heart sank. How the hell was I supposed to explain to her that after not having sex – with her anyway – for three whole weeks, I wasn’t the least bit interested?

  Think, think, think…

  I embraced her tighter and kissed the top of her hair affectionately, hoping to soften the blow of what I had to say next. “Babe…I know it’s been a while, but…to be honest, I’m beat.” I continued to run my hands up and down her back, trying to mask the emotional disconnect that was now plaguing my half of our relationship.

  She was quiet. Too quiet. When she finally did speak, she sounded extremely disappointed…and maybe even a little embarrassed that she’d been turned down. “Oh…um…of course. You worked all day, and…I should’ve considered that before I –“

  “No, don’t apologize. Seriously, I want to…I just wanna make sure that I’m at my best. You know?” I lied, stroking my hands down her shoulders now.

  She looked up at me and forced a weak smile. “It’s fine. Maybe, um…when you get in tomorrow, before your flight, we could –“

  “Definitely,” I answered, already thinking of a plan to implement for when she came at me again.

  “If you’re not too tired,” she added quietly as if baffled by the fact that I was choosing sleep over her. A tight smile crossed my face and I was glad to let it slip away when she turned her back. I turned off the last light while following her to the bedroom.

  I couldn’t keep this up much longer.

  Kira lay beside me silent and motionless, staring at the ceiling for nearly an hour now without speaking a word. My back was toward her and I kept my eyes trained on the doorway, focusing on the darkness that consumed the hall. I rested on top of the comforter like we were strangers as opposed to a couple with years under our belt headed for marriage. The light of the moon cast a gray haze in the entire room through the open curtains, seeming to represent the cloud hanging over Kira and me in that moment. The air was charged and I could practically feel her suspicion growing. Seeing as how I’d been lying here sleepless all this time, she had to have realized that fatigue wasn’t really the culprit behind my rejection. Still, she didn’t bother bringing it up. When she turned her back toward mine, the room grew even colder.

  It was nearly two in the morning when I finally heard her breathing deepen, meaning she’d drifted to sleep. I didn’t doze until almost an hour later, so I awoke a little after 5 a.m. frustrated and still feeling the effects of my near-sleepless night. My head swam through the murky thoughts that now consumed me, so I decided to go for a run to clear some of it away.

  Kira didn’t even stir as I changed into shorts and a t-shirt from the drawer. I found a pair of tennis shoes that I’d left behind, slipped them on, and was out the door a few minutes later.

  I missed this – the silence as opposed to the constant serenade of traffic, sirens, and just…noise. Here I could run in peace without sharing my path with hundreds of strangers. Here I could hear myself think. But here…there was no Sam. That fact alone made leaving D.C. seem like one of the best things that’d ever happened to me.

  I missed her like crazy and it’d only been about twelve hours since I left her sitting in the cab to board my plane. My heart broke every time I thought about our conversation. Beyond the shadow of a doubt, I loved her. That fact hadn’t changed even after all these years, but…did my feelings for her justify me walking out on Kira? Leaving her sitting here with her heart broken after all she’d done for me? It didn’t seem fair, no matter how badly my heart wanted me to choose in Sam’s favor.

  Uprooting herself from her job to help me pursue my dream, loving me even before I could see beyond my past hurt to even realize she’d been there the whole time – those were the reasons why this decision wasn’t clear cut. One woman I loved beyond reason, never ceasing to amaze me with how hard and fast just being near her makes my heart beat – while the other had given me countless reasons over the past three years to direct all of my affection toward her. In my eyes, they both deserved better than what I was currently offering…pieces – it didn’t matter who had more or who had less, what mattered was that neither had me completely.

  I stopped on the side of the road and clutched my chest when it tightened and burned from the inside. My breaths rushed in and out more quickly than usual as I braced my hands on my knees. Sweat poured down my face and I realized then that the stress of this situation would end up killing me long before I’d made up my mind at this point. Something needed to be done – soon.

  Already, my mind had begun to lean in the direction that seemed most sensible – Kira. We were already headed down the path toward marriage and we had time invested in this relationship…however…even after considering how rational all of this sounded…I wasn’t ready to let Sam go. I’d loved that girl since forever, made a fool of myself on more than one occasion to prove this fact. Now that fate had dropped her right back in my lap, I couldn’t imagine letting her slip away again.

  I exhaled slowly until I could control my breathing again. My chest felt less weighted when I stood upright and decided to walk back to the house instead of running. Still lingering in the valley of indecision, I came to the only conclusion that made sense – tell Kira what I’ve done. This seemed like the only way to make things right. Whether we stayed together or went our separate ways, she’d have to know about Sam and me. So either way you cut it, I was done living a lie.

  Let the chips fall where they may…

  *****

  The house was still silent when I closed the front door behind me. I took off my shoes and traipsed up the stairs where I found Kira still fast asleep. Not knowing how bad the conversation between us would get, I packed my things and set what I’d need to get dressed for work on the bathroom counter. Leaving my lone bag at the front entrance, I took the stairs by twos and went to shower.

  The scalding water washed away the few traces of doubt that lingered. It wasn’t that I was unsure about whether telling Kira was the right thing to do or not, I just wondered if I really had it in me to break her heart like I was about to do. While I hated the idea of hurting her, this had to be done.

  I stepped out of the shower, securing one towel around my waist and another over my shoulders after drying my hair. I finished brushing my teeth and had just swiped a second strip of deodorant beneath my arm when my attention darted toward the now open bathroom door where Kira stood staring. At first I didn’t understand why her eyes were fixed on my back with that look on her face – confusion, disgust, rage – and then it dawned on me…Sam’s scratches.

  Why the hell couldn’t I have just remembered to lock the door?

  The speech I’d prepared to give – the one I hoped would make me l
ook at least a little bit less guilty by confessing as opposed to getting caught – was now null and void. My attempt to soften the blow of Kira finding out what I’d done was now shot to hell.

  Her eyes flickered when she met my gaze and then her voice rang out into the silence. “Do I even need to ask who those’re from?” she asked, her voice cracking when she spoke. She’d figured it all out – why I didn’t want to sleep with her the night before, why I’d been so distant since my arrival.

  There wasn’t a response in the world that would’ve appeased her at this point, so I stayed silent.

  In that one fleeting moment, all of Kira’s fears that had set in the moment she was present to witness the unquestionable chemistry that hung between Sam and me, were realized. While I’ll be the first to admit that this wasn’t how I intended for Kira to find out, there was still a sense of relief that I wouldn’t have to pretend with her anymore. We’d face this head on and figure out where to go. I don’t know how some men keep up the charade for years or sometimes even decades. After only one week, I’d had enough of living a double-life.

  “How long?” she sighed. “Since the wedding?”

  I shook my head. “No. Since the move.” I didn’t bother to give an exact timeframe. It didn’t really matter at this point.

  The room was so quiet that my ears started ringing. Kira wouldn’t look away from me as her eyes filled with tears that threatened to spill over. She finally blinked and looked to the ground as the first of many finally streamed down her cheeks. Knowing that this was all because of me, I didn’t even feel worthy of consoling her. Instead, I just stood there and watched the beginning of her breakdown.

  “I knew this was gonna happen. I knew it. I could feel it,” she uttered softly, more so to herself than to me.

  I didn’t know what to say.

  She lifted her eyes to mine again. “Why, though, AJ? I’ve been good to you! I mean, haven’t I? You needed a friend, I was your friend. You wanted someone to talk to, I listened. I gave you everything! My heart, my LIFE! You…” her eyes fell to the ring on her finger as she shook her head. I half expected her to rip it off and throw it at me, but she didn’t. Instead, she twirled it on her finger as sadness continued to ravage her.