The silence in the room persisted while my father ran his hand across his chin thoughtfully. He lowered his head and the next words that he spoke came out quieter than any he’d spoken since this conversation began. “I managed to convince myself that you understood how much I loved you because of how well I provided for you and your mother.” He cleared his throat and tried to embrace the idea of being transparent in that moment. It wasn’t lost on me that it couldn’t have been easy for a man who’s hardwired like he is to share his emotions. “I know now that I made a lot of mistakes with you, and…despite all that, you turned out to be a good man – one I’m proud to call my son.”
I almost thought I’d misheard him. Praise? Admiration? Those were things I’d never gotten from my father – not in recent years anyway. However, this otherwise pleasant moment between he and I was tainted by thoughts of Kira and what I’d done.
I shook my head as shame washed over me. “I’m not a good man.”
He glanced at me again and I was sure he noticed that my defenses were finally starting to come down.
“How could you think that?” he asked.
My gaze floated out the window as I stared at nothing in particular, wavering back and forth between trusting him and throwing my guard back up. Eventually, I gave in and decided to go with my gut. I’d never seen him like this before and couldn’t seem to convince myself that trusting him was a bad idea.
“I almost ended things with Kira this morning,” I confessed.
At first my father was silent while he took it all in. “May I ask what happened?”
This was where I felt like I had to start being vague. He’d never understood what drew Sam and me together in the past, so he certainly wouldn’t understand it now. If I had to guess, I’d say he viewed Kira as a suitable choice for a wife, and probably also a smart business move. Breaking down and telling him about Sam being back in the picture would just bring about an unnecessary argument, and I wasn’t in the mood. He could claim to be a changed man all he wanted, but it’d take some time for me to believe it fully.
I looked over at my father and remembered that he was awaiting a response. “Let’s just say things got kind of complicated. That’s all.”
Did he buy that?
The sound of him chuffing a short laugh made me glance at him from the corner of my eye, not understanding what he could’ve possibly found funny about what I said.
“Complicated,” he repeated to himself. “Yes…relationships can definitely be that way on occasion. Chances are, though, the two of you will work things out and be back on track sooner than you think.”
I tried to imagine it, tried to let that be enough to uplift my mood, but it didn’t work. There was no appeal associated with the idea of moving on and pretending like the last month and a half hadn’t happened. The truth was, I did run into Sam at Terrell and Maisha’s wedding; I did realize that I’m still in love with her. There was no amount of reverse psychology or anything else that would make me just forget about how she makes me feel.
“But then again,” my father said, cutting into my thoughts. “There are those who say everything happens for a reason. Maybe these ‘complications’ were meant to be a wakeup call for you?”
I glanced over at him, but didn’t say a word. If he only knew who’s side he was taking by putting doubts in my head…
“This wedding’s going to sneak up on you before you know it,” he sighed. “Are you having second thoughts?” His eyes were on me after asking the question.
This was uncharted territory for us. For one, my father was never one to deal in feelings – he’d always been the straight forward, black and white kind of guy. However, to me, it sounded like he was suggesting that I reevaluate my situation with Kira.
“Are you happy?” he asked, amending his original question.
When I lowered my head and shrugged, he probably already had his answer. “No,” I freely admitted, bearing my time with Sam in mind, wishing that more of those moments were awaiting me in the future.
“Hm…” He sat back and folded his hands in his lap while he thought. “Well…any father worth his salt would tell his son that putting the wedding on hold is probably best until you sort things out. If you’re not completely sure that – “
“At this point, I’m pretty sure the wedding is already on hold,” I cut in. Before I continued, I looked him in his eyes and asked myself why I was getting ready to bear my soul. The answer I got? I was desperate to get this all off my chest and get another man’s perspective. Perhaps just any man would do, but…deep down, I knew I was in need of some fatherly advice at this very moment. “I cheated on her – slept with another woman,” I confessed, causing my father’s mouth to drop open when I did.
“I – that wasn’t…”
“Not so proud that I’m your son now are you…” I lowered my head again and wallowed in the charged silence.
He cleared his throat. “So, uh…you told Kira this? She’s aware of – “
“She found the evidence before I got around to telling her,” I interjected. Thinking about how it was supposed to play out, I shook my head. “I swear I was going to tell her, though. I swear.”
The guilt in my tone was unmistakable. Sensing it, my father put his hand on my shoulder for a few seconds and then pulled away.
“I believe you.”
“She wants to work things out,” I added.
You could’ve heard a pin drop while the way I’d worded the statement weighed heavily on my conscience. Apparently my father picked up on it too, because, “Do you want to work things out?” was his next question.
I should’ve jumped to say that I was glad to be given a second chance, a chance to prove that I was worth loving, a chance to walk down the aisle with the woman I’d been committed to for so many years, but…at the moment, all thoughts of my future with Kira brought was a sick feeling that I’d die a martyr.
“This other woman – you love her?”
I kept my eyes trained on the table. “I do.”
“And she loves you too, I’m assuming?”
I nodded. “She does.”
It was on the tip of my tongue to tell him who this mystery woman was, but, again, I didn’t feel like arguing. Plus, if he knew I was talking about Sam, I wouldn’t be getting such unbiased advice.
A long sigh left my father’s mouth and I waited for him to continue. “I could spend the rest of the day, the rest of the week even, telling you what I think you should do, but…” he looked my way when he paused. “I have a feeling you already know where you belong.”
That summation actually made me more restless than before. I turned away, understanding what he was suggesting, but also knowing that I’d pledged a commitment to Kira before all this went down.
Watching me toil over the mess I’d created, my father placed his hand on my shoulder again. “Son, all I’m trying to say is that you should do what’s going to make you happy.” He laughed a little. “As selfish as that may sound.”
And it did. It sounded selfish as hell.
But more than anything…it sounded tempting.
*****
Cutting my day shorter than planned, I left work in my father’s car, headed back to the house to take advantage of the peace and quiet there. Kira was still at work and I couldn’t think of a better time to be alone with my thoughts. I lay there on the bed, thinking about everything and nothing all at the same time. My mind and heart had two totally different ideas about how all of this was supposed to play out and I couldn’t make heads or tails of any of it.
I could practically smell the light scent of Sam’s skin that radiates from her whether she’s wearing perfume or not. I closed my eyes and imagined that she was lying there beside me, and we were back in that bubble that only had room for her and me. To say that I missed her wouldn’t have sufficiently described the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. It was as if she was literally a part of me, and to think of not having her agai
n…
“Stop,” I said aloud to myself, sitting up on the edge of the bed to reach for my phone. I couldn’t keep doing the back and forth. One minute I was prepared to do the noble thing and stay with Kira, then the next, I was ready to throw caution to the wind and fall into the abyss with the only woman I’d ever risk it all for. It was exhausting. In an effort to thrust myself over the thin line that separated my wants from what seemed to be the morally sound option, I decided to move forward with changing my flight, making plans to stay put in D.C. this weekend like Kira and I had already discussed.
The number to the airport was already programmed into my phone; all I needed was a pen and paper to write down the information once the arrangements had been made. Sliding the drawer to my nightstand open, the automated system picked up and prompted me to select an option…but I didn’t even hear what was said. My attention was locked in on the folded piece of paper inside the drawer with my name neatly printed on it. Confusion and curiosity caused me to temporarily put the phone call on the back burner. When I hung up and set my cell aside, I stared at the handwriting. It wasn’t Kira’s, but I couldn’t understand who else could’ve put it there – it wasn’t like we had random people touring our house and chilling in our bedroom.
I unfolded the sheet and let my eyes drift down to the bottom of the page to see if there was a name signed there before reading…and there was.
Reina.
A sharp breath left my lungs just thinking her name to myself. This one person had been at the root of so much of my anger years ago. Next to my father, there wasn’t anyone I hated more back in the day. Even he was starting to get on my good side, though. But her…
My mind ran back to that day in my dorm room years ago. While I take responsibility for setting the stage for Sam to lose trust in me, it was Reina’s antics that broke us down the rest of the way, eventually ending up in a breakup that led to one tragic incident after another. Yes, Reina was the one who poured the gas, lit the match, and then walked away while everything Sam and I built together burned to the ground. I stared at Reina’s words on the paper, but wasn’t reading yet.
What could she possibly have to say to me after all these years?
‘Let me start by saying that, Kira, if you find this letter before AJ does, I’m sorry for going behind your back, but you didn’t leave me much choice. Every time I bring up talking to him and coming clean, you shut me down, but enough is enough. The WHOLE purpose of me coming there this week was to be morally supportive because you were SUPPOSED to be telling him the truth yourself, but like usual, you changed your mind. However, I’m tired of being your scapegoat, and you should be tired of lying.
Okay, so, AJ, I’m going to make this short and sweet because there’s not a whole lot to say other than I’m sorry. I’m sorry for lying to you all this time, and I’m sorry for helping Kira keep up this charade, too. I’m ashamed of the fact that I let this go on for so long, but it got to the point that I got so caught up that I didn’t know how to fix it. I knew that telling you the truth would essentially hurt my sister, but I’ve come to the conclusion that she isn’t all that concerned about hurting me, so I don’t have much to lose, I guess.
That day you walked into your dorm room, contrary to what you’ve believed for the past five years, that was NOT me who you found in your bed…it was Kira. Apparently, when her plan to seduce you failed, you assumed that she was me, and Kira let you believe that to avoid embarrassment. My first reaction when I found out was to tell you; however, despite the bad rep I’ve gotten, I care about my sister – so much so, that I put her feelings before mine. She’s loved you since we were kids, AJ. Knowing that you’d hate her if you were to find out what she’d done…I took the fall, not knowing how far this would go or that doing so would essentially tear my relationship with her apart. Not being able to come to the wedding? Knowing that she won’t be able to be active in my children’s lives? That’s not sitting well with me. Especially knowing that this all could’ve been avoided if I’d never gone along with this lie in the first place. Would she have been mad at me for letting you know who she really was? Yes, but I guarantee we would’ve moved past it by now and been okay. I blame myself for not being strong enough back then to say what I’m saying to you now.
It’s unfortunate that it had to come to this, but I’m tired of being the bad guy – especially seeing as how this was never supposed to be my cross to bear. Call me when she’s not around so we can hash things out. Oh, and Kira, if you’re the one reading this…I’m sorry…but you should’ve fixed this a long time ago.
Reina’
I stared at her phone number on the bottom of the page, dumbfounded.
“That’s impossible.”
Without even thinking about what I’d say when he answered, I dialed my father and started pacing back and forth between the closet and window, rerunning that night in my head, searching for loopholes that I’d possibly missed before.
“You knew it was her and you weren’t gonna tell me?” I said calmly into the receiver when he finally picked up.
There was silence on the other end of the line and then I heard the door to my father’s office close in the background. “Knew what? What’re you talking about?”
His calm disposition did nothing but frustrate me more. “All this talk about being different, and wanting to be a better man – did you ever stop to think that a good place to start fixing things between us would’ve been to tell me that the woman I’ve been planning to marry has been lying to me for the past five years?”
I pushed my fingers through my hair and then loosened my tie when I started feeling short of breath, thinking that I might not be able to stay as calm as I intended to.
“Anthony, son, I have no idea what you’re –“
“You set the whole scheme up! How could you not know?”
“Scheme? What scheme?”
I took a deep breath but my heart continued to thunder against my ribs as rage filled every single part of me. I hadn’t forgotten a single word of Reina’s explanation that day…or Kira’s explanation, rather. She said that my father and hers arranged for her to come up to Charleston to convince me to leave by any means necessary. The thought of it, not knowing that I’d literally been sleeping with the enemy, made me feel sick to my stomach.
“You know what? I should’ve known that calling you was a mistake.”
Before I could hang up, he called out to me. “Son, I – “ he stammered. “That was years ago and you’re right, I should’ve apologized for my actions, but I still don’t understand what you marrying Kira has to do with this.“
“You were really just gonna let me walk down the aisle with her? Knowing that I had no idea what she’d done?”
My father sounded confused when he replied. “Wait…I don’t understand.”
There was a tone to his voice that almost had me convinced that he really didn’t have a clue what was going on. However, I was on the verge of a breakdown and couldn’t afford to be played with.
“I swear this better not be another one of your games…”
“Anthony…I have no idea what’s going on right now,” he interjected. “I wish I did so I could clear up whatever this misunderstanding is between us, but I assure you that I haven’t the slightest clue what you’re accusing me of.”
I held the phone for a moment. “You didn’t know that it was Kira in my room that night and not Reina?” I asked flatly, listening intently for any indication in his reply that might suggest that he’s still the same Kato Hahn he’s always been.
“Son, you have my word, when I spoke with Tanaka and set up that plan, he said he was sending Reina. I didn’t’ question it because she always seemed like the shifty one of the two, so…as far as I knew he hadn’t deviated from what we’d discussed.”
I didn’t respond.
“If I could take all of that back, you know I’d do it in a heartbeat –“
I shook my head when it dawned on me that I�
��d made a mistake accusing him. “I’ll explain everything later,” I replied quickly before ending the call.
Checking each digit first, I hit ‘send’ and waited, silently praying that Reina picked up.
“Hello?” she answered skeptically, probably because she didn’t recognize the number.
“I just found your letter,“ I replied, knowing this was enough information to identify myself.
Reina was dead silent on the other end.
“Why the hell did she do it?” I asked flatly, trying as hard as I could to keep calm.
I heard her take a breath and waited for a response, although I knew that there was nothing she could say that would excuse what Kira had done.
Reina cleared her throat. “Honestly, AJ? It’s like I said; she’s had feelings for you since as far back as I can remember, and I truly believe that she just saw this as an opportunity to get close to you.” Reina was thoughtful for a moment. “The way I understand it, she overheard our fathers talking, and intercepted the offer before my dad could proposition me. Which I never would’ve agreed to, by the way.”
I sat there holding the phone in a daze. This was really happening. I was really finding out that the woman who I thought didn’t have a mean, vindictive bone in her body was responsible for the single most hurtful event in my life…and she was fully prepared to let me marry her without confessing what she’d done.
“Sooo…what now?” Reina asked solemnly.
I sighed and let it all sink in. My only response to her was, “It’s over.”
I ended the call and knew that, from there, it was just a matter of time before Kira heard the news that her cover had finally been blown.
All this time.
All these years.
I looked around the bedroom and felt the last traces of guilt slipping away, cleansing me of the weight I’d been carrying. Was I wrong for the things I’d done? Absolutely. However, had Kira never intervened, Sam and I never would’ve missed a beat in the first place. So, because of that, I couldn’t help but to feel like karma had come back full circle to give her what she had coming all along.
Exposed (Free Falling) Page 27
