Winter's Harbor

by Aurora Rey

  “Oh, my God. What happened? Are you okay?” Alex stepped inside and closed the door.

  Lia had forgotten how pathetic she must look. Anger mixed with humiliation was a dangerous combination. “Don’t pretend to be concerned. It’s just insulting at this point.”

  “What are you talking about? Of course I’m concerned. You ran off in the middle of the party, and now you look like you’ve been in a street fight.”

  Lia huffed. “That might have been a fairer fight.”

  “What?”

  Alex’s confusion, and her worry, only made Lia angrier. “I get that we aren’t exclusive. We never discussed it and I’m not looking for it. But I think it’s something of a common courtesy that you don’t hook up with someone while you’re on an actual date with someone else.”

  She watched the realization flash in Alex’s eyes.

  “Lia, I don’t know what you saw, but it was nothing.”

  “I saw you with a woman who was stuck to you like Velcro. She had her tongue down your throat.” She sure as hell hadn’t imagined it.

  “That’s not what happened.”

  Lia put her hands on her hips and fixed Alex with her most withering stare. She tried to ignore how unnatural it felt. “Well, then, why don’t you tell me exactly what happened?”

  “Look, Kim accosted me.”

  “Accosted?” Her voice was thick with contempt. “You didn’t look accosted. You looked like you were having a perfectly good time.”

  “She came out of nowhere and latched onto me. The kiss took me by surprise.”

  “I see. And how would you explain the fact that your arms were around her, that you were stroking her arms and back the whole time?” Alex didn’t answer right away and Lia took it as a passive admission of guilt. “That’s what I thought.”

  “No, no. Wait. I did have to pry her off of me, literally. It must have looked like I was touching her, but I wasn’t, at least not in the way you think.” Alex’s voice was pleading.

  Lia’s head was throbbing and her blood was racing through her veins like she’d been running for hours. She was shaking, but couldn’t seem to make it stop. “So you’re trying to tell me someone you don’t even know threw herself at you that fervidly.”

  “I never said I didn’t know her. We had two dates last summer. She was too much of a party girl, even for me. I don’t know what got into her tonight, aside from the fact that she was wasted.”

  “Oh, well, if she was wasted, then by all means…”

  Alex scrubbed a hand over her face. “I was there with you. I wouldn’t hook up with someone else.”

  If there was a shred of believability in what Alex was saying, Lia ignored it. Being the rational one had come back to bite her in the ass again and again and again. “Wouldn’t you? From what I gather, you’re pretty open to whatever good time presents itself.”

  For a moment, Alex looked as though she’d been slapped. It gave Lia pause, made her think she was being unfair. The look passed, though, and was replaced with one of defiance.

  “Oh, yeah? And where did you gather that little nugget?”

  “It seems to be common knowledge.”

  “I see. If you think so little of me, why did you sleep with me in the first place?”

  Because you’re ridiculously sexy. Because I wanted to try something different and adventurous. Because you make me feel amazing and more alive than I’ve ever felt. “Clearly, it was a lapse in judgment on my part.”

  “If it was such a mistake, maybe you’re the one who’s been looking for whatever good time presents itself.”

  Having the accusation turned back on her stung. Maybe Alex was right. Maybe she’d walked right into this, invited it. The idea took some of the fight out of her, but left a raw knot in her core.

  “I think you should leave now.”

  “Lia, this whole thing has been a misunderstanding.”

  “I asked you to leave. Please.” To make her point, she marched to the door and yanked it open.

  Alex threw her hands in the air, as if admitting defeat. “And this is why I don’t do relationships.”

  Lia didn’t know if the comment was aimed at her or merely Alex’s observation to herself. It didn’t matter. Alex strode through the door without another word. Lia slammed it behind her and stood in the kitchen, breathing hard and not knowing what to do next.

  She stayed there for a long time, staring at the door and half expecting Alex to come back. When she didn’t, Lia poured a too big glass of bourbon and stalked upstairs. Although she wasn’t in the mood, she ran a hot bath. She peeled off her dress and what was left of her stockings and climbed in. As always, it was the right decision. The warm water brought feeling back to her toes and loosened some of the knots that were twisting in her stomach.

  After pulling on sweats and two pairs of socks, she looked at her bed and headed back downstairs. She knew better than to try to sleep. She wrapped herself in a blanket and powered up her laptop. There was no chance in hell she was going to work, so she logged in to Facebook to see if her friends were having better New Year’s celebrations than she was managing to have.

  There were posts by friends with kids—pretend countdowns, complete with five and six-year-olds in pajamas and party hats. There were some earnest resolutions posted shortly after midnight. A few of her friends from college and her life in New York seemed to be partying. She scrolled through photos of well-dressed people smiling, drinks in hand, couples kissing, the ball dropping in Times Square.

  And then Dani’s face appeared. It was a post by a mutual friend, taken at a party in a swanky martini bar in Tribeca. She was wearing a silver sequined top under her Gucci suit and her arms were around someone Lia had never seen before. The girl—really, she couldn’t be a day above twenty-three—wore an electric blue dress and was practically draped across Dani’s lap.

  She knew it was a bad idea, but she clicked on the image. The girl, Kaitlin was her name, was tagged. Lia downed the rest of her bourbon and clicked over to her profile. Kaitlin didn’t think much of privacy settings, and Lia found herself sliding down a wormhole of photos and status updates detailing exactly what Dani had been up to in the two months she’d been gone.

  Chapter Twenty-three

  Lia didn’t remember falling asleep. When she woke, her computer had slid to the floor. She was half sitting, half slouching on the couch and had such a crick in her neck, she could hardly move her head. It was just as well, since any movement made it feel like there was an avalanche in her skull. She opened an eye, squinting at the sunlight pouring into the room. Her mouth felt like something had crawled into it and died.

  As awareness of her surroundings sank in, images flashed into her head. Alex kissing that woman. Dani with her flavor of the month. Alex’s back as she left, the door slamming behind her. She wondered vaguely whether the hangover was fueled more by alcohol or the emotional brouhaha of the night before. Either way, she felt like shit.

  She sat on the sofa for a while, willing the throbbing in her head to subside. When it didn’t, she accepted that she would have to seek out relief, no matter how painful the process. She slowly pulled herself to a standing position, grateful that the room didn’t spin. In the kitchen, she took three ibuprofen with as much water as she thought her stomach could handle. She set a pot of coffee on to brew and headed upstairs.

  The hot shower and clean clothes made her feel semi-human, and the toast she made to go with her coffee helped to settle her stomach. Unsure what to do with herself, she curled back up on the sofa and turned on the television. She found the pregame show for one of the bowl games starting that afternoon and willed herself not to think about Alex or Dani or anything else.

  The funny thing about trying not to think about something is that it becomes the only thing the brain will do. She wondered when exactly she’d become a magnet for women without conscience or integrity. Maybe it was something about her, something that advertised she was needy and gullible.
<
br />   And the fight. It was such an ugly argument. She’d been shrill, unwilling even to listen to Alex’s version of the events. Even if Alex was a complete and total player, her reaction had been over the top. Alex wasn’t even her girlfriend, at least not in any official sense of the word. The flash of satisfaction from the moment was long gone and she felt worse than if she’d done nothing at all.

  Then there was Dani. Really, she hardly mattered. If anything, seeing her picture had only reinforced how completely wrong they were for each other. Adding insult to injury, that’s what it was. Seeing Alex with Kim made her feel like a convenience, the woman kept around until something better came along. The photo of Dani only reinforced the fact that it wasn’t the first time Lia’d felt that way.

  Alex’s words came back into her mind. I had to pry her off me. I wouldn’t hook up with someone else. Did she believe her? Did it matter? Lia didn’t want it to, but it did. It wasn’t just feeling disposable. Alex mattered. She’d gotten under her skin in ways Lia hadn’t expected. Being with Alex made her feel desirable, alive. As much as she’d like to chalk it up to being on the rebound, she knew deep down there was something profound about the connection they’d made. Maybe admitting as much to herself would help. She could process the feelings, put them into perspective.

  When the game started, it was a little easier to shut off her mind and focus on the TV. She did that for the rest of the day, eating toast and drinking more coffee than she should. She didn’t hear from Alex, didn’t reach out to her. Part of her wanted to apologize, but she feared doing so would make her feel pathetic instead of like the bigger person.

  She forced herself to go to bed by nine. Afraid she’d lie awake and brood, she took an antihistamine that she knew would knock her out for at least eight hours. She climbed under the covers wearily, hoping the morning would bring clarity, and with it a plan of what to do.

  *

  Alex wasn’t surprised that she didn’t hear from Lia on New Year’s Day, which was just as well because she didn’t have much to say. She went over to Stuart’s for one of the football games, allowed herself to get sucked into an epic game of Monopoly with Maddie and Beth. It was impossible to remain grouchy in their company and she was grateful for the distraction.

  The next morning, she opened the bakery and went about her routine, expecting Lia to show up and set up camp at her usual table. When she didn’t, Alex started to stew—on one hand wanting to reach out and, on the other, clinging to her ire. Sure, the whole thing with Kim looked bad. Nothing had happened, though, and she resented being penalized for something she didn’t do.

  She also resented having her integrity called into question. Just because she steered clear of serious relationships, it didn’t mean she was a total ass. Lia hurled that accusation as if it were an accepted fact, a conclusion she hadn’t come to on her own. The idea of it didn’t sit well. She should cut her losses and walk away. She’d gone through winter alone before and could certainly do it again.

  What she couldn’t decide was why it seemed impossible to let it go. Did she suddenly value what others thought of her? Or was it something about Lia? As much as she might not want to admit it, it was Lia. She wasn’t ready to let Lia, and whatever had developed between them, go. That was probably the most disconcerting thing of all.

  She picked up her phone. Lia hadn’t called or texted. Part of her was tempted to show up at her house, but the last thing she wanted to do was make things worse. She didn’t relish the possibility of more yelling, either. She’d start more delicately.

  Can we talk? She hit send and put down her phone. Watched pot and all.

  Not sixty seconds later, there was a reply. Yes. Take a walk? 4:30?

  Neutral territory—Alex couldn’t decide whether or not that was a good thing. Sure. I’ll meet you in front of town hall.

  She arrived early and resisted the urge to pace. It was cold, but the sun was out and much of the snow they’d gotten on New Year’s Eve had melted. When she caught sight of Lia walking down Commercial Street, a lump formed in her throat. She did her best to swallow it and the thing bordering on panic churning in her gut.

  Lia looked beautiful as always, but there were dark circles under her eyes. There was a small satisfaction in knowing that the previous two days had taken at least a little bit of a toll on her, too. Still, she felt an overwhelming desire to gather Lia into her arms, to find a way to make it all better.

  “Hi.” She had to start somewhere.

  “Hi.”

  “Thanks for meeting me.” Offer an olive branch.

  “Of course.”

  Alex took a deep breath. “I want to start with an apology. I was so focused on convincing you that nothing happened. You saw Kim practically on top of me and, regardless of context, that must have felt really shitty. I’m sorry about that.”

  Lia looked at her. She sort of expected that Alex would apologize, since she’d been the one to text first. Yet, Alex’s words caught her off guard. There was a sincerity in them that she wasn’t used to. “Thanks. It was really shitty.”

  Alex offered her a sheepish smile. “Yeah.”

  Okay, it was her turn. “I’m sorry, too. I didn’t even give you the chance to explain and, when you tried, I refused to listen. It’s not how I usually am, even when I’m mad.”

  “That’s good to hear.”

  Since Alex had reached out first and accepted responsibility for what happened, Lia figured she owed her the rest of the apology. “I’m sorry that I called you a player.”

  “Sorry you said it out loud or sorry you have that opinion of me?”

  Lia swallowed. Alex wasn’t going to let her off the hook that easily. “Both. I know you tend to date casually. You’ve said as much and it’s been reinforced by others.”

  Alex glowered.

  Lia continued. “Don’t be upset by that. It was said to me by people who like you, respect you. It was more about me being in a potential rebound place than about you.”

  Alex sniffed.

  “More importantly, you’ve never given me a reason to think that.”

  “I just don’t understand why you wouldn’t even listen to me.”

  Lia sighed. She should probably be honest, but man, she hated being such a cliché. “My partner of ten years had an affair. I found out by walking in on them in bed together, in our apartment.”

  “Oh, God.”

  She cringed. “Please don’t feel sorry for me. I can’t stand being the object of pity.”

  Alex nodded. “Okay, I won’t. I get it.”

  “I’m only telling you so you can understand why I was so…reactive. If you could do your best to forget I said anything in the first place, I would really appreciate it.”

  “Fair enough. I’m sorry I stirred all of that up for you.”

  Lia realized they were still standing in front of the town hall. It was sort of an awkward place to have a conversation. “Can we walk?”

  “Oh, sure.”

  Lia turned and headed up a side street, then onto Bradford. The cold air was nice. Combined with getting the gigantic weight off her chest, it made her feel better than she had in two days. They walked for a while in silence. As they approached her street, she thought she should say something, but didn’t know what.

  Alex broke the silence. “I don’t know where things with us are going, or even if they’re going anywhere.”

  “Yeah.” Lia braced herself for the letdown. Maybe it was for the best.

  “I do know that I’m not ready for them to end.”

  “Yeah?” That was not what she was expecting.

  “I love spending time with you, and not just the time we spend in bed.”

  Alex’s green eyes were fixed on her, intense and searching. Lia blushed. Why did she suddenly feel shy? “I do, too.”

  “So, maybe we can hit the reset button. We don’t have to figure everything out today. We can just go back to the way things were.”

  And just like that, Alex
offered her a lifeline. The relief was palpable. Lia didn’t realize just how much she’d been dreading the idea of breaking up, or whatever it was when you stopped seeing someone you weren’t technically dating. “I think that sounds like a good plan.”

  “I’m going to a pee-wee hockey game tomorrow. Stuart’s kids are playing. Want to come with me?”

  “Sure?” It felt like an odd invitation, but she wasn’t going to split hairs.

  “It’ll be easy and relaxed, then maybe we could grab dinner somewhere.”

  If Alex was looking to keep things light, it was fine by her. It would probably take her a few days to settle down and recalibrate anyway. Fights took far more out of her than she cared to admit. “That sounds perfect.”

  “If you come to the bakery tomorrow to work, we can leave right from there. It’s in Truro.”

  It was impossible to know whether Alex said that to make sure she was at the bakery tomorrow. Still, it made her feel good, wanted. “I’ll be there.”

  Chapter Twenty-four

  Alex invited Lia to the game on a whim. It was a casual way for them to spend time together, and would be a nice distraction from serious conversation. It was also a way to be with Lia in a way she wasn’t usually with the women she dated. For some reason, that suddenly felt important to her.

  It turned out that Lia had never seen hockey, of any kind, live. It was a difficult thing for Alex to fathom. She said as much on the drive to the rink.

  “I can’t believe you’ve never been to a hockey game.”

  “Well, there wasn’t a whole lot of ice where I grew up.”

  “That’s true.”

  “Once, when I was eight, I asked for a pair of roller skates for my birthday. My mom ordered them from the Sears catalog and they sent ice skates instead.”