by Aurora Rey
“You should go talk to her. I’m fine.”
“No, no. We’re almost there. I’ll go over after.”
Sabrina raised an eyebrow. “Is she weird around people she doesn’t know? Or really jealous?”
Alex shook her head. “Neither. I think she’s experiencing déjà vu. This woman I used to date pounced on me at a New Year’s party. Lia saw her kissing me and it was a big mess.”
“Only you, McKinnon. Only you.”
“It’s never been a problem before.”
“Times change, right?”
“You’re not kidding.”
“And she’s worth it?”
“Yeah.” When it came down to it, it was as simple as that.
“Well, then, good luck.”
They arrived at the Boatslip and hugged their good-byes. Alex headed straight to Lia’s, resisting the urge to run. She worried that Lia’s cool response had been a cover for anger, or worse, hurt. Of course, there was also the possibility that Lia’s reaction was genuine. Lia might not care one way or the other if Alex was seeing another woman. Both possibilities made her uneasy. She wanted to see Lia, to talk to her. She wanted—no, needed—to tell Lia how she really felt.
The downstairs lights were on when Alex knocked on the door. She saw Lia’s silhouette moving toward her and breathed a sigh of relief. When Lia opened the door with a smile, a little bit of the tension in her stomach eased. “Hi.”
“Hi. I didn’t expect to see you again tonight. Is everything okay?”
“Yes, yes.” Alex tried to keep her tone calm. “I just wanted to see you, to talk to you. May I come in?”
“Of course.” Lia stepped back, allowing her to step inside.
“Thanks. Lia…” She trailed off, unsure of how to begin.
“Yes?” Lia looked at her with an expectant smile.
“Lia, about tonight. I…I don’t want you to have the wrong idea about Sabrina.”
“It’s completely okay. We agreed that we wouldn’t be exclusive. You have nothing to explain.”
“No, it’s not that. Sabrina and I are just friends. I mean, we dated for a little while last summer, but that’s done.” She hadn’t wanted Lia to be upset with her, but, somehow, this was worse. It felt like Lia couldn’t care less whether she was hooking up with Sabrina or not.
“Alex, really. You’re free to spend time with anyone you want. We agreed to no pressure, no expectations. I mean, I think it’s pretty obvious I’m in no position to be getting serious with anyone. Besides, I’m only here for another few weeks and then who knows. It’s actually so much better that we’re not overly invested.”
Alex’s heart sank. Everything Lia said made sense. Alex had been so focused on sorting out her feelings that she hadn’t given a whole lot of thought to Lia’s. She’d assumed Lia was on the same page. They’d practically been living together since Valentine’s Day. Now, telling Lia how she felt seemed selfish, if not outright demanding. The last thing she wanted was to put that kind of pressure on her. She also didn’t want to give her heart to someone who didn’t want it. She’d been there before and the outcome was a disaster.
“Okay, then. It’s, uh, good to know how you feel.” As Alex spoke, the words rang hollow in her ears. “We are totally on the same page.”
“Good. I hope you didn’t think I was going to freak out or get weird or anything. New Year’s was an anomaly. That’s not how I usually am.”
Alex shook her head at the irony of it. In retrospect, having Lia freak out would have been preferable. It would have meant, if nothing else, that her feelings were somewhere on the same plane. “I didn’t think anything. I just want you to be honest with me, to tell me how you feel.”
“I feel fine. Well, fine, but a little tired. Do you mind if I don’t come home with you tonight? I know you need to take care of Murphy, but I think I might just want to crash here.”
Again, Alex felt at a loss. She couldn’t figure out whether Lia was hurt and refusing to talk about it or if she was unfazed by the whole thing and really didn’t have a huge stake in their relationship. It was exactly the kind of complication that led her to swear off serious relationships in the first place. As much as she wanted to press Lia until the truth of her feelings came out, it wasn’t how she operated. Alex did not push the women she dated. And since baring her soul didn’t come naturally, either, she didn’t.
“Sure. I just wanted to make sure you’re okay.”
“Absolutely.”
“Okay.”
“Yep.”
Alex felt like she was only making matters worse. “Well, I’ll go. I’m going to Red Sox Opening Day with Stuart tomorrow, so I won’t see you at the bakery.”
Lia nodded. “Have a great time.”
“I will. So, um, good night, I guess.” Alex stepped toward Lia to give her a kiss. It wasn’t awkward, but it was definitely devoid of any real passion or longing. She was tempted to ask more questions. Worried things would only get weirder, she decided to leave.
When she was gone, Lia locked the door and leaned against it. That wasn’t so bad, was it? She thought she’d managed to stay cool, that she’d been convincing. The one thing she couldn’t bear was the idea that Alex felt sorry for her, or that she needed to be gently reminded of the rules of their relationship. Convincing herself, unfortunately, was another matter altogether.
Chapter Thirty-two
“I can’t believe you chickened out.”
Stuart handed Alex a beer and took his seat next to her. They were sitting a few rows back, squarely between first base and Pesky’s Pole. The tickets had been an early birthday gift from Connie, who was thrilled to send them off on a boy’s day while she began prepping her garden for spring planting.
“I didn’t chicken out.” Alex scowled. “She made it clear that she didn’t want a relationship. I don’t want to pressure her into something if she isn’t ready. It’s the noble thing to do. I thought you of all people would appreciate that.”
“Yeah, but it’s not like you even gave her the choice. She’s operating without all of the relevant information.”
Since when did Stuart talk like a therapist? She didn’t like it. “I’m not going to throw myself where I’m not wanted or, worse, convince her to stay here and be with me if it’s only going to make her unhappy in the end.”
The conversation was interrupted by the national anthem and ceremonial first pitch. As the Sox took the field for the top of the first inning, both Alex and Stuart cheered, offering particular shouts of encouragement for their favorite player, rough-and-tumble second baseman Dustin Pedroia. “Let’s go Peedy!” they bellowed in unison.
With the first inning under way, Stuart turned to Alex. “You don’t think there’s a pretty big chance she only said that because she stumbled across you with another woman?”
“I wasn’t with another woman. You make it sound so seedy.”
Stuart lifted his hands. “I’m just saying. I think maybe it’s possible she thought something was up and she was trying to play cool.”
Alex rolled her eyes. “And maybe you just want me to find a nice girl and settle down.”
A foul ball sailed over their heads and into the far rows of the grandstand. Once it was clear neither of them was going to be pelted in the head, Stuart resumed his case. “Even if that’s true, I think you need to put yourself out there. Take a risk. Grab the bull by the horns.”
“You mean grow a pair?”
Stuart shrugged, raised his hands again. “Hey, I didn’t say that.”
“But you wanted to.”
“If the shoe fits.”
Alex affectionately jabbed him in the ribs with her elbow. “You’re a regular old Confucius, aren’t you?”
“Does that mean you’re going to do it?”
“We’ll see.”
“I’ll drink to that.” He raised his beer and bumped his plastic cup against hers.
The Sox beat Tampa four to three with a double in the bottom of
the ninth inning by Mike Napoli. After three hours of game and nearly three hours in the car to get home, Alex was tempted to call it a night and crawl into bed alone. After dropping Stuart off at his house, however, his words continued to nag at the back of her mind.
It was one thing to keep her life, and her relationships, simple. It was another to be afraid of going after what she wanted. Once she hit Provincetown, she steered her car toward Lia’s house instead of her own. When she pulled up, the entire downstairs was dark. A small square of light came from Lia’s bedroom upstairs.
She almost drove away. Instead, she pulled out her phone and dialed Lia’s number. Given that it was almost midnight, she didn’t want Lia to think her house was being broken into. Alex gripped the steering wheel with her free hand and waited.
“Hello?”
Lia’s voice sounded strange and far away. Alex immediately questioned her decision. “Did I wake you?”
“No, not at all. I was just reading. Are you okay?”
Alex relaxed. “Yes, everything is fine. I’m actually outside, but I didn’t want to knock on the door and scare you half to death.”
Lia chuckled. “You know me so well. I’ll be down in one minute.”
“Great.” Alex ended the call and took a deep breath. She was just going to do it. Put it out there. No pressure. Then she would at least know that there wasn’t a big question hanging in the air anymore. If it didn’t go anywhere, it wasn’t meant to, and she wouldn’t have to wonder. And Stuart would get off her back. It would be good. It would be fine. She climbed out of the car and walked the short distance to Lia’s door.
Holy crap. What am I doing?
The door opened and there was no going back. The sight of Lia standing in the doorway made Alex’s heart thud uncomfortably in her chest. This woman, with her fuzzy pink robe and bare feet, had managed to steal her heart completely. It was time she admitted it, for better or worse. She followed Lia inside and closed the door behind her.
“I’m sorry to come by so late, but I really didn’t want to wait.”
Lia had a feeling of déjà vu. This was almost exactly what Alex said when she’d shown up the night before. Perhaps she was here to finish what she’d started…whatever that was. “It’s fine. Are you sure you’re okay?”
“Yes. I mean, I will be. I…we need to talk.”
“Sure.” Lia braced herself. If she hadn’t fallen apart when Dani broke her heart, she sure as hell wasn’t going to now. “What’s on your mind?”
“When we talked last night, I wasn’t entirely truthful with you.”
Lia stuck her hands in the pockets of her robe to keep herself from fidgeting, determined to keep her composure. If she needed to fall apart a little bit, she’d do it after Alex left. “Okay.”
Alex took a deep breath. “When I said that we were on the same page, that wasn’t really how I felt. How I feel. I feel so much more than that.”
“I don’t understand what you mean.” Lia could tell that Alex was fumbling. She didn’t want to make her squirm, but she really didn’t know what she was trying to say.
“When Sabrina showed up, she made it perfectly clear we could pick up where we left off last summer.”
Lia set her jaw. She’d freaked out that one time and it was going to continue to haunt her. “I thought I made it clear that I didn’t expect, or demand, that we be exclusive.”
“I know. The thing is, when she showed up, it made me realize just how much I didn’t want that. I don’t want to pick up with Sabrina or with anyone else. I like being with you. I like being with you all the time.”
Lia narrowed her eyes, trying to make her brain reconcile Alex’s words with what she was expecting.
“What I’m trying to say is that I love you. I’m in love with you. I want to be with only you. I don’t want you to feel pressured and I understand that you might not be in the same place. I’m not asking you to be or do anything you don’t want to, but I need you to know how I feel.” Alex shrugged and tucked her hands into her pockets.
The dull ache in Lia’s chest became a skittering pulse that made it difficult to breathe. She’d spent the better part of the last two months convincing herself that her feelings for Alex were a rebound reaction—intense and unreciprocated feelings that would fade when she left town. “I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything. You don’t have to feel or decide anything tonight. Wait, I take that back. You do have to decide one thing. Do you want me to stay or go?”
Lia closed her eyes. She methodically went through her mind, shutting off the fears and doubts, silencing the questions. She’d figure them out when she needed to. For now, she was wanted and, if she allowed herself to believe it, loved. She opened her eyes, taking in the woman who was standing in front of her, offering her heart. For now, it was enough. She closed the short distance between them. She wrapped her arms around Alex’s waist and looked into her piercing green eyes. “Stay.”
Alex’s mouth was on hers and her hands were in Lia’s hair. Lia took in her scent, the way Alex’s body molded against hers. It felt so familiar, so natural, it was hard to imagine that she’d only known Alex for a few months. She slipped her fingers under the hem of Alex’s shirt and traced over the skin of her lower back. The uneasiness she’d felt for the last twenty-four hours melted away.
Alex pulled herself away long enough to kick off her shoes, then allowed Lia to take her hand and lead her up the stairs. Once in the bedroom, Alex untied Lia’s robe and pushed it from her shoulders, leaving her in a thin cotton chemise. Lia raised her arms and Alex lifted it over her head.
“You are so beautiful.” Alex’s voice was barely over a whisper.
Although Alex had said as much dozens of times in the past few months, it still gave Lia a quiver to hear it. Instead of blushing, she allowed the words to sink in, to make her feel beautiful. Not trusting her own voice, Lia busied herself with removing Alex’s shirt and bra, jeans and boxer briefs. In turn Alex slipped Lia’s panties over her hips and they fell to the floor.
It was as though everything was happening in slow motion. Lia ran her fingers over Alex’s chest and stomach. Alex made a trail of open-mouthed kisses down Lia’s neck and across her shoulder. When Alex guided them onto the bed, Lia sighed. There were long, languid caresses over smooth skin. Their kisses were a fluid melding of lips and tongue, with none of the urgency that usually drove them.
When Alex slipped inside her, Lia felt complete. It was like a void being filled, a chasm repaired. “Please, I need to feel you, too.”
Alex shifted so that Lia’s hand could slide between them. Lia’s fingers slid into her wetness, finding her swollen and hard center. They continued to move slowly, in unison. Lia thought their bodies might simply melt into one another, becoming one.
Alex’s orgasm crested first. It was a shuddering that seemed to radiate through her. Feeling the heat pour out of her sent Lia tumbling toward her own release. As the waves of pleasure carried her, she opened her eyes and found Alex staring at her with quiet intensity. The connection in that moment felt deeper, more profound, than she believed possible.
After, they lay together with limbs entwined. With her head on Alex’s chest, Lia could hear her heartbeat. It was strong and steady, offering a quiet assurance that felt more powerful than any words.
“I love you, too,” Lia said softly.
Alex’s hands, which had been stroking her hair, grew still. “Lia?”
Lia lifted her head so that she could look directly at Alex. “I said, I love you, too.”
Chapter Thirty-three
“Well?”
It was a week later and Alex was sitting with Stuart at the Squealing Pig. He’d cut right to the chase, but Alex would be damned if she didn’t make him work for it. “Well, what?”
Stuart drummed his fingers on the polished bar. “Well, did you tell her? What did she say? What happened?”
Stuart was a good friend. He was also as
nosy as a little old lady. Alex shrugged, keeping her tone nonchalant. “Well, we aren’t engaged or anything, but I’m…optimistic.”
“Optimistic? What does that mean?”
Alex played coy for another minute or two before she caved and gave him the highlights of her conversation with Lia, how Lia eventually revealed that she shared the same feelings. “And I owe it all to you.”
He bumped his shoulder against hers. “I’m happy for you.”
“Thanks, pal.”
Wanting to change the subject, Alex asked about Connie, who was contemplating returning to grad school so that she could move from teaching into administration. They talked about their hopes for the upcoming baseball season, the NHL playoffs. Alex’s mind, however, remained on Lia. When there was a lull in the conversation, she took a deep breath.
“I’m going to ask her to move in with me.”
Stuart raised a brow. “Wow. That’s big.”
“Her lease is up in a few weeks. We haven’t really talked about what will happen at that point, but I know she doesn’t have another place lined up.”
“Are you afraid she’ll leave if you don’t?”
Alex was annoyed by the question, if for no other reason than it was the same one she’d been asking herself for days. She’d yet to come up with a satisfying answer. “No. I’m in love with her. I want to be with her and this makes sense. If anything, it’s moving up something we’d get to sooner or later.”
Alex wasn’t sure whether she was trying to convince Stuart, or herself. Hearing it out loud helped to ease the worry that she was being too impulsive, getting herself into a situation she might later regret. Admitting she was in love, to herself and then to Lia, had been the dangerous part, and it had gone remarkably well.
Holding on to that feeling of certainty, she stopped by the hardware store on her way home. She had a duplicate set of keys made, including one for the back door entrance to her loft and the main door to the bakery. She popped into the souvenir shop next door and picked out the least cheesy Provincetown key chain she could find.
