Counting the Days

by Hope Riverbank

  I woke up in Huntington Hospital. Danny was standing over me with a smile from ear to ear. “Hi sweetie…it’s nice to see those brown eyes.” He was so sickening, I wanted to vomit. I forced a smile back at him. “I was so worried about you. I’m so glad you’re okay.” Why was he smiling at me like that?

  “What did the doctor say is the matter with me?” I asked.

  “Honey, you don’t know how happy you’ve made me. I can’t keep it a secret anymore,” he said like a kid in a candy shop.

  “What?” I asked in anticipation.

  “We’re going to have a baby,” Danny said excitedly.

  “What?” I couldn’t believe my ears. Did he say what I think he said?

  “You are going to be a mommy,” Danny exclaimed. He began hugging and kissing me. I didn’t know how to react. I was stunned by both the news and his behavior. I really didn’t expect that something like this would make him happy. I, on the other hand, was totally blown away. I didn’t know what to think or how to feel.

  “A mommy?” I thought out loud. Regretfully I said, “A baby?” I didn’t mean to say it that way, it just came out like that. I do want children, but not with Danny. This couldn’t be possible. Danny could never be a good father. Ever!

  “What the heck is the matter with you? You should be overjoyed. You’ll have company now. Someone to talk to during the day. Isn’t that what you wanted?” He looked at me with such disgust and contempt. “I thought that you would be happy to have a baby. What kind of mother are you going to be?”

  Remember the feeling you had a couple of months ago while watching those little children play…that feeling of want and joy. You should be feeling like that. You should be happy, right? Wrong! With all my strength, I mustered up a smile on my face and tried to look happy. “I am happy…I just don’t feel well,” I responded trying with all my might not to burst out in tears, “I just never suspected that I was pregnant.” Danny reached over, grabbed my hand and kissed it lovingly. He looked pathetically happy. Oh goodness, help me. Help us all.

  The doctor decided that I should stay overnight for observation, so I watched television while Danny drooled over all the nurses. After a few hours, he left and I decided to take a walk. I walked over to the unit where my mother works and asked the nurse at the desk if she was in. She told me that she was in a room with a patient and would be right out. She then asked if she could help me with anything. I shook my head no and told her I’d wait for a few minutes. I thanked her for her kindness and informed her that I was Debra’s daughter. It was then that the nurse told me to hold on and literally ran to find mom. After a few moments of waiting, I chickened out and quickly returned to my room. I missed her so much, but I knew that I was a disappointment to her and I just couldn’t talk to her right now. I couldn’t face her. Not like this. I didn’t want to hurt her anymore. And to be honest, I was scared to death of seeing her. What if she rejects me?

  In the middle of the night, I awoke to someone holding my hand. It was soft and I knew that this hand came from a loving source. “Mom?” I asked groggily. When I realized that I wasn’t dreaming, I quickly scooted up and tried to contain my excitement. I couldn’t believe it. She was really here. What a sight for sore eyes.

  “Sweetie, you should’ve called me. What’s going on?” she asked with that ‘concerned mom’ look on her face. “How are you?” All I wanted to do was grab her and hold her in my arms, but I knew that if I did, I would never let her go.

  “I feel a hundred percent better now that you’re here,” I said as I began crying. “Mom, I’m so sorry about the way that I acted the last time we were together…I’ve missed you so much.”

  She leaned in and hugged me. It felt so good to be in her arms, so warm and secure. I didn’t want to let go. When she did finally let go…what am I talking about…when finally I let go, she began stroking my hair and said, “I’ve missed you too…but honey, really, what are you doing here?”

  “Well, a few months ago, I began having some dizzy spells and, well, tonight at dinner time I passed out. I’ve been vomiting a lot lately and I’ve been getting weaker and weaker. Danny wouldn’t…I mean, I ignored the symptoms and didn’t go to a doctor, and…” I hesitated and then took a deep breath. “Mom, I’m pregnant.” I began crying again. Please don’t hate me mommy.

  My mother sat down next to me in disbelief. After a few moments and the initial shock passed, my mother smiled, took me into her arms and held me tight. I could feel her unhappiness and disappointment in her hug. “This is good news, honey. Having a baby is…is…a happy event,” she said reassuringly. She continued to hug me, but said nothing to console me. All she did was gently stroke my hair as I sobbed. Was she consoling herself?

  I shook my head in agreement, “I know that having a baby is supposed to be a happy event, but…but” I said as the sobs came from deep within. She just couldn’t understand what a big mistake it was to have this baby. How could I tell her the truth about this hateful man that I was married to? How could I disappoint her that way? She gave me a wonderful life, a life filled with love and happiness, and I’ve given her nothing good in return…only heartache and lots of headaches. I’ve made such a mess out of my life, and look at her, she continues to love me anyway. How could she be so forgiving? I hope that one day I could be as forgiving with my child.

  “It’ll be alright, honey. When you’re feeling better we’ll go shopping for baby furniture and clothes. Lots of baby clothes. I’ll get all your friends together and we’ll throw you the biggest baby shower ever. Besides Danny, have you told anyone else?” she asked with a stiff upper lip.

  She was trying to calm me down. She was also trying to make me happy about this supposedly blessed event. I am so scared. How can I tell her how scared I am? “No I haven’t told anyone else. I really don’t see my friends too often anymore.”

  My mother presented a happy disposition, but deep down I could tell that she was sad at the same time. It was really a kind of odd expression. “Well, sweetie, I want you to relax and get lots of rest. Try and be happy. Think of the joy you’ll experience in the years to come. This baby will be a fourth generation Martinez. She or he will have the best of everything. I’ll make sure of that…” she paused for a moment and contemplated her next words. She began talking again, “Sweetie, you’re young and I know that you must be feeling overwhelmed. As the baby grows inside of you and you begin to feel it move around and when the doctor lets you hear its heartbeat for the first time, you will feel completely overjoyed and special. You’ll have an instant bond with that baby, way before its born. I can’t explain how you’ll feel, but the happiness will come from deep within your soul.”

  “I am happy, mom. Really I am.” I said trying to bring a smile to my face.

  “Liar,” she retorted with a smile. “I know you, honey. Tell me what’s really going on here.”

  “Nothing, mom,” I answered coyly, “It’s just such a big change and I guess I’m a little nervous. That’s all. The doctor seems to think that I might have complications due to something that he noticed. I think the word he used was hematoma. I can’t quite remember, but regardless, he thinks I’m on the high-risk side. He feels that I may have problems with bruising.”

  “A hematoma? And bruising?” she asked. Concern immediately sprang into my mother’s facial expression. “Honey, a hematoma is caused by internal bleeding. I don’t understand you’ve never had a problem with bleeding before. Have you injured yourself that you’d be bleeding or bruising? Let me take a good look at you.” She stood up and quickly removed my blanket before I had a chance to stop her. She immediately gasped and covered her mouth in shock at what she saw.

  I grabbed the blanket back from her and quickly covered up. No one has ever seen my legs…no one. Of all the people to see, it would have to be my mother. The thoughts that must be going through her head must be nothing short of hatred…hatred for Danny that is. I could see her whole demeanor changing. It was hatred. It w
as plainly written on her face. “Mom, I’ve become really clumsy lately…must have something to do with my pregnancy or something. I don’t know,” I excused. “I’ve been banging into everything and anything lately. I’ve been such a klutz. It must have something to do with my being pregnant.”

  She waved her hands at me in a shushing manner, and quickly turned away. I could see that she was struggling to keep her cool. She walked over to the window and stared out at the black sky. I felt so ashamed and embarrassed. I wanted to crawl under a rock somewhere far, far away. I wish she would say something. The awkward silence felt like a lifetime. She seemed to be deep in her thoughts, and I suddenly felt very uncomfortable and even a little afraid. Several minutes passed before she turned back and asked, “Did the doctor recommend an OBGYN?”

  I shook my head ‘yes’ and answered, “He mentioned something about my going to Stonybrook University Hospital because they have a high risk clinic there. He feels that I may need the attention of a high risk doctor, so that’s where they’re referring me.” I began scrambling around for the paperwork the doctor gave me. “Over there on the counter by the sink is the name of the doctor they recommended.” How does she do it? How does she keep it cool and act like nothing?

  My mother went over to the other side of the room and retrieved the paperwork. She nodded her head and said, “This is a really good physician. I think you’ll really like him. He’s very funny and very down to earth.” I watched as her eyes moved over to the large bruise on my arm. “How’d you get that one?” she said gently touching my arm. She didn’t even blink.

  I quickly covered it up and said, “Oh, its nothing. I must have gotten it when I passed out earlier.” I couldn’t look her straight in the eye while I blatantly lied, so I looked away. “I told you mom, since I haven’t been feeling well and all, I’ve been losing my balance and falling down a lot, that’s all.”

  “Yeah…that must be it,” she said quietly shaking her head. Suddenly she looked extremely sad or disappointed. She’s a nurse, for goodness’s sake. She knew and wanted me to tell her the truth...but I couldn’t. “Well, honey, I have to go back to work. I’ll come by in the morning and see how you’re doing. You call my unit if you have any questions or concerns. I’ll let the nurses know that you’re my daughter and that they should call me if anything comes up.” She leaned over and kissed my forehead. “I love you,” she whispered and began to leave the room. At the door, she stopped, turned and looked at me a moment. She just stood there, staring at me as if she had something to say, but couldn’t. “You do know that I love you. Don’t you?”

  “Yes, mom, I know that you love me.”

  “And you know that you can talk to me about anything?”

  “Yes mom.”

  “Sleep tight then,” she said and left the room.

  “I can’t talk about this,” I whispered to myself after she left. “Not this.”

  I could hear her talking outside to the nurse. I couldn’t make out clearly what they were saying, but I did hear her ask ‘who is the attending physician?’ I had a bad feeling in my gut. Her talking to the doctor was not going to be a good thing. All night I tossed and turned with worry. Finally, I fell into a light sleep. One of those sleeps where you hear every little sound.

  I was still tired when I awoke in the morning. It must have been around 7:30am when my mother came back to my room. I was brushing my teeth when she came in with her stern serious look. She knew. “You’re coming home with me when you‘re released.”

  “What? Mom, you don’t understand, Danny is not going to let me go with you.”

  “I don’t care what he wants. I’m not going to let him abuse you anymore.”

  “What are you talking about mom, he doesn’t abuse me.” I looked down at the floor as I walked back to my bed. I felt so ashamed for lying to my mother, but I had to, she would never understand. And besides, we were talking about my husband and I had to make a defense.

  “Marilyn, I gave birth to you. Please don’t lie to me anymore,” my mother said all too seriously. She meant business. I could hear it in her voice.

  Give up, Marilyn, she knows. No she couldn’t, of course she knows…she’s a nurse. She’s probably seen tons of cases like mine. I looked her straight in the eyes and could see that not only was she concerned for me, but also love was written all over her expression. Say something, Marilyn. “Mom, he doesn’t mean it and it’s always my fault. I stress him out so badly and I have the uncanny ability to provoke him. I just have to learn how to leave him alone when he’s in one of his moods, that’s all. Besides, I’m his wife and I really have to stick by him.”

  “Sweetie, no one in his or her right mind will ever fault you for leaving an abusive man,” she paused thoughtfully. “You have to start thinking about this baby, Marilyn. It’s not just you anymore. Now there’s a child involved.”

  “I know that, mom. Why do you think I was so unhappy when I found out I was pregnant? I know that Danny’s a little rough. That’s why I never ever wanted to have a child with him. I thought that I was being so careful. I can’t even remember when I could have even conceived. Over and over I’ve tried to think back when it could have happened. I thought I used every precaution.” Thinking about it made my head hurt, because I made sure that I took my pills every day. I just don’t get it.

  “Honey, please consider coming back home with me,” my mother pleaded.

  I was so confused and at the same time I was totally relieved that my mother still loved me. She was so cool and was so non-judgmental. “I can’t, mom. I’m married to the man. Even if I decided to go home with you, Danny is not going to let me go. He’s just not. Besides, you’d be taking on a whole new burden…and I just can’t let you do that.”

  “Dear, I’ll help you with every resource that’s in my possession and I’ll get you the best legal representation there is. We’ll press charges or we’ll invent charges against him if we have to.” My mother was totally determined to convince me that I belong at home with her.

  It was such a tempting offer. I could get away from my savage husband and have every resource available to protect me. “Mom, I don’t think you’ll have to go the prosecution route, but...” I hesitated to think a second. My mother was jumping the gun a little, but I know she means well, and at least she was being calm. “I’ll think about it. Okay. Now remember, I don’t know what I’m going to do. Just don’t push, okay, I know that I can’t have this baby with him. That’s for sure.”

  “So, it’s settled. When you’re released, you’ll come home with me. I’ll get your room ready and start painting the spare bedroom for the baby,” she rambled on in excitement. “I’m going to have to baby-proof the entire house. We’ll have to get a gate for the stairs. I’m going to have to make a list.”

  “Mom, relax, I didn’t say ‘Yes’, I just said that I’d think about it,” I said those words, knowing in my heart that going home with her was the right thing to do. First, I’d have to figure a way to let Danny know. A painless way.

  “I understand, honey, but I still have the right to plan,” my mother said with a hurt and disappointed face. She stayed quiet a few moments and then blurted out, “Marilyn, don’t mention any of this to Danny…”

  “Don’t mention any of what to me?” Oh man, when did he walk into the room? How long was he standing there listening? He gazed suspiciously back and forth between my mother and me.

  I quickly broke out into a cold sweat. “Nothing, honey,” I replied quickly, “you spoiled the surprise. We were just discussing how we would decorate the baby’s room.” He had a bunch of stuffed animals in his arms, so I redirected my attention and asked, “What you got there?”

  He quickly smiled and handed them to me. “They’re toys for you and the baby,” he said with such a goofy smile on his face…but I know him. He will ask me about my conversation with my mother later and he won’t be nice about it either. “I have another surprise for you in the car. I’ll be right back,”
he said and left the room.

  I turned to my mother and said, “Mom, please don’t mention any of our conversation to anyone.”

  “I think you should tell that creep husband of yours that you’re leaving him. Marilyn, he doesn’t deserve any further explanation,” she replied angrily.

  “Mom, please promise me. Promise you won’t mention any of our conversation to anyone. Not a soul, mom!” I said forcefully. She needed to understand that I was extremely serious about her being quiet. “Mom, you don’t understand what he can do and how he gets. He’s liable to kill me. So I really need you to keep this silent. It has to come from me and, for my safety, I wouldn’t be telling him anything until the last second. I’m serious, mom. He could really hurt me or worse yet, the baby.”

  She looked me in the face and could see the seriousness in my expression. “I’m sorry, honey, I’ve never been in your situation. Just knowing that you’re going home to your husband could be potentially dangerous makes me crazy. I just want him out of your life as soon as possible,” she paused with empathic eyes. “All right, I’ll keep it all to myself. Just promise me that you’ll tell him as soon as possible…and that you won’t wait until you’re in a body bag.” She pulled my blankets up and kissed my forehead.