The New York Doll

by Ellie Midwood

  Palm-face. All I could do at that time. He was literary too stupid to put two and two together, but imagining a black guy wearing a soccer uniform and a yarmulke cracked me up though.

  - Honey, you can’t become a Jew. You have to be born a Jew. And besides, I don’t want you to change your religion for me. You don’t want to marry me. You don’t want to marry a dancer.

  - You won’t be dancing anymore. I’ll take you home and you’ll be living with me here, in New Jersey.

  - I will never live in New Jersey. – I interrupted him right away. – I’m a New York girl. All my favorite spots and restaurants are in New York. My hair stylist is in New York. My spa salon is in New York. All my favorite stores are in New York. All my friends are here. I’m not going to New Jersey.

  - Ok then. I can accept that job that I was telling you about, that’s in Manhattan. And I can rent an apartment in Manhattan too.

  - Your kids are in New Jersey.

  - I’ll be going there to see them on weekends.

  - What about your soccer? You won’t be able to play with your friends anymore.

  - Yeah, that’s sad. But I’ll be ok. You just give me a chance, Milana. I dream of walking in here with a Zales ring, I’ll go to the DJ booth and ask you to marry me. Isn’t it going to be great? I’ll wait till you get on stage and start dancing, and then I’ll go to the DJ booth and propose to you…

  - Please, shut up. – I’m not sure if I’m sick of alcohol or Coconut talking nonsense. Maybe both, but I’m obviously still too sober to tolerate him. – How about you better go to the bar instead of a DJ booth and get me another Red Bull - vodka? And tell them not to be shy on vodka. Be a lamb.

  That’s just a little sample of what I had to deal with while I was in a room with Coconut. But unfortunately one of my regulars got a DUI and couldn’t come see me anymore; another one left to Bahamas for a vacation and Bill happily reconciled with his wife, which I was very happy for. And since August was a vacation month and it got pretty dead, Coconut was my only stable source of income. Another vodka it is then.

  Mikky was surprised why it was so hard for me to tolerate Coconut, until she met him in person. It was a slow night and I invited her to sit with us while we were eating our dinner in the lounge area. After ten minutes of talking to Coconut, Mikky told me in Russian that she understood me completely and she never met a more obvious moron in her life.

  _______________

  I can’t stand stupid people. But more than stupid people I can’t stand weak men. Coconut was an embodiment of the stupidest chicken you can possibly find. Alana wouldn’t forgive me that I turned him, Coconut, her single-time customer into my regular, and kept stalking him every time I was on stage or at the dressing room. She kept shaking him for a drink or for some money, and this idiot kept giving it to her so she would leave him alone.

  - Why don’t you just say no to her? – I was getting pissed watching it, since it was my potential money going into Alana’s pocket. – If you keep doing it, she’ll never stop.

  - I know, I know, - he says with a sigh, - it’s just easier for me. I give her what she wants and she leaves me alone.

  - A man, a normal manly man, would just say no. You’re not a man, you’re a chicken. – my frustration brought up the bitchiest bitch in me, but God knows, Coconut deserved it!

  But it reached the limit of the ridiculousness one night, when Alana and her best friend Megan stopped by the club to ask the manager Shawn to take them both back to work (because of their attitude they were getting fired on a regular basis, but the manager would normally take them back after their long, tearful apologies, as they were making good money for the club). Coconut came early that night (I told him how much I care about him getting his eight hours of sleep at night, that’s why I wanted him to come early. The truth was that early evenings were always the slowest part of the shift, but luckily for me he was too stupid to pick it up).

  Waiting for the manager, Alana and Megan ordered a couple of martinis at the bar, where they were sitting with some guy slash customer, who was driving them around when they needed it. I told Coconut to ask a bartender to order me my salad, but he couldn’t manage that simple task without getting in trouble with Alana. Ok, I have to admit, sometimes I made Coconut do things or put him in situations just for my amusement, so I could make fun of him for the rest of the night or make just another example of why girls with asses like mine will never go out with guys with faces like his. It was exactly one of those good times and I sat more comfortable in a chair, sipping my martini and watching Coconut getting robbed. When he finally came back, I made a very mean face (don’t forget, I studied acting while I was in my high school and university, so it came in very handy in my new profession), and asked him what he was thinking by giving Alana money.

  - I don’t know, honey, she just attacked me and told me that she needed money for gas…

  That was too funny to watch him sweat from the top of his head. But I kept going.

  - What gas?! She’s with a guy who drives her and her friend around! Are you stupid?!

  - No, but… But she said that guy makes them pay for gas… - his hands were shaking.

  - You are stupid. Have you ever seen a guy who makes a girl pay for his gas?! She’s lying right into your face and you buy it like a five year old. Jesus Christ, I’ve never seen anything like it!

  A shot girl came up to us and saved his ass.

  - Hi, guys! How are you doing tonight? Would you like a shot?

  - I need at least two. – I keep my “mean” face on, even though I’m laughing inside. The guiltier I make him feel, the more money he’s going to spend.

  Yep, that’s exactly how it works in modern world, guilt equals money. And my math teacher told me I was hopeless. Maybe I was, from her point of view, but in my third grade, when I realized that I’ve learned enough math to count money, I decided not to bother myself with learning algebra and whatever the hell she was teaching us. After all, I’ve never seen a person who needed algebra to succeed in life. Or to trade on Wall Street.

  While I was drinking my first shot, Alana and Megan spotted it like hawks and came up to our table “to say hi”. To have a free shot actually, as we never really got along. For the same reason why we didn’t get along with Coconut: I never liked stupid people. And stupid girls, with attitudes, who sleep with anybody who would agree to take them for a weekend in LA… I’m sorry, I don’t judge anybody, but I don’t want to be friends with you either. Nevertheless, my mommy raised me well, so I never rejected a polite chit-chat with them.

  - Are you guys having shots? – Megan kissed me on a cheek and gave me one of her fake bitchy smiles. I returned the favor.

  - Yes, we are. – My mommy did raise me well, but this world made me a bitch, so I’m not going to offer you one. You’ll have to ask for it, sweetie. Coconut, feeling the storm coming, is trying to be as invisible as a black guy in a dark club can possibly be.

  - Do you girls want to join us? – the shot girl wants to make money too, and she knows that Coconut is the perfect ATM machine. – Can they have a couple of shots too?

  I’m trying my best not to laugh. The poor guy is sitting there, between me, just staring at him hard, the shot girl and two troublemakers, and wishing he was somewhere far, far away. Finally, Alana makes a decision for him.

  - We have to go anyway, - she gets up and grabs his shoulder. – Relax, pussy!

  They both leave and I start giggling along with the shot girl.

  - We need a drink for that! – I tell her, and we both picked new shots out of her tray.

  - Wait, did you see how mad she was? – Coconut seems to be very far from our festive mood. – What if she’s going to do something?

  - Like what? – I roll my eyes at him.

  - I don’t know, but she seemed pretty pissed. What if she comes back with a gun?

  For a moment I don’t even know what to say, and very few things can leave me speechless.

  -
What?! – I realize that Coconut was genuinely concerned about Alana and the whole gun thing wasn’t a joke. I should have known better: he was as bad at joking as at handling women. – Are you being serious right now?! You, big black…ok, you’re not big at all, but the point is, you’re afraid of a tiny little white Russian girl coming back and shooting you?! Really?!

  - She seemed pretty pissed…

  - So what?! Why am I not afraid of her? I better pretend I’ve never heard what you just said. You’re a man. You can’t be afraid of little girls! What else are you afraid of? Flowers? Butterflies?

  - No, I’m not afraid of butterflies…

  - Thank God! They can be pretty creepy and might also have a gun!

  - You are joking right now, - he’s trying to smile at me.

  - You think?! – I fight the temptation to smack Coconut on the head. – I have no respect for you. Seriously. After what I saw tonight… Before I thought you can’t say no because you’re too nice. Now I see that you are afraid that if you say no, a little Russian girl will shoot you. You’re not a man. You’re a girl.

  - I’m a chicken, I know. But I’ll try to fix it. You want me to be tough, I’ll be tough.

  - Oh yeah, I’d pay to see that happen.

  Chapter 20

  I doesn’t matter if you are a citizen of the United States or an illegal or not so legal immigrant, finding a place to live and especially in NYC is always a problem. And finding a perfect apartment or a house for a good price is almost as challenging as finding your perfect soul mate in the Big Apple. First of all, it’s the location problem. And sometimes really nice apartments for a good price, that won’t cost you an arm and a leg, are in the area where you don’t want to find yourself after dark. But if somehow you managed to find something suitable in a good area, they will ask you for as much paperwork as you would have to give to apply for a Green Card.

  That’s why I was so happy that Mikky was sub renting me her apartment in Brooklyn for two month while she was going to Russia and I had pretty much enough time to find my own. But when I shared the good news with Aunt Anna and told her that I was moving out in two weeks, she wasn’t a happy camper at all.

  - So you think it’s ok that you are telling me this just now, when I don’t have enough time to find new tenants? – that was her first question. What?!

  To clarify the situation, as soon as I got my puppy and she didn’t want the dog to live in the house, I moved to the guest house that was half destroyed after the hurricane Katrina, with part of the roof missing inside the house, with snakes accidentally getting inside from the nearby park, let alone bugs, water bugs and spiders. And even though I didn’t have hot water in my sink in the bathroom for four months and the shower was so clogged that it was taking 30 minutes for the water to go down and no Drano was helping, I was still paying frigging $1200 a month and wasn’t saying a thing, while my aunt didn’t really give a flying fuck about all that. And now this money greedy bitch was accusing me of not letting her know about my moving sooner?! I’m your family, dear! For God’s sake!

  - New tenants? – I couldn’t hold my anger no matter how hard I tried this time. – What are you talking about? Who’s gonna live here? It’s a remodeled garage with half of the wooden roof showing, with no hot water and no means of transportation within a half hour!

  - It doesn’t matter! People would love to live here! It’s close to the park and they are gonna have a pool, and the roof can be fixed in one day.

  - One day?! Why the hell haven’t you fixed it while I lived here?!

  - Oh, you know, I was waiting for our neighbors’ contractor to fix it for free, and he never came, he says he’s too busy.

  - Of course he’s too busy to do it for free! And I haven’t had hot water all this time, I don’t think those “new tenants” will be too happy about it too!

  - Where you haven’t had hot water?

  - In my frigging bathroom!!! And I told you a million times to fix it and you just completely ignored me!

  - I’ll tell my friend Boris to fix it, he’s a plumber. And by the way, washing your face with cold water is good for your skin, I do it all the time.

  - Well, I don’t want to wash my face with cold water! I want it to be warm!!!

  - You know, you’ve really changed since I first met you, Mila. You were such a nice, quiet girl, with no attitude, always so polite and respectful, and I don’t like what you’ve become.

  - You don’t like that I became a self sufficient person who can take care of herself and finally say something back, and not a foot rug that I used to be. Then yes, I’ve changed. And good for me!

  - That’s not right what you’re doing. You’re being very ungrateful. I gave you a home when you had no place to go, you were eating my food, from my fridge, we were taking you out with us every time we went somewhere, I was driving you around…

  - And you were getting very good money for that, weren’t you? It’s unheard of that I was paying $1200 a month for this place, and I was buying my own food since I moved out of your house, and every time that you dropped me off in Brooklyn, it was ok enough for you to ask me for the gas money. And $200 phone bills? Who else in their right mind would pay that?! No one! And I did, I never said a word let alone all the free services that you were getting from me! I’ve been your personal Cinderella since I started living with you! Mila, clean the house! Mila, wash the dishes! Mila, let’s clean the leaves in the back yard! Mila, let’s cut the bushes! What am I, a free Mexican?! And now you’re saying that I’m ungrateful?! I paid you in full for everything you did for me, and also with a pretty big interest. So you have no right to accuse me of anything!

  - That’s still not right. And you had to either tell me earlier that you are moving…

  - I just found out literally one day ago. – I interrupted her.

  - I don’t believe that. And just to be polite, you should give me the next month rent now. Because you’re just leaving me hanging with no time to find new tenants, and I still have to pay my bills.

  - First of all, you have two weeks to find new tenants. And second, if this guest house is such a steal as you’re describing it, you’ll find new people tomorrow. And I owe you nothing, Anna.

  _______________

  I couldn’t tell you how happy I was to pack my bags. I was going to Brooklyn! Finally I’m going to be free, no more nagging from my aunt, no more hour walk to Stop & Shop and back with huge bags of food, no more bugs and birds singing at 7 in the morning! One thing I had to do to cut the final rope… I had to unlock my iPhone as it was still connected to my aunt’s family plan. Thank God, R. knew some guy in Brooklyn who could do that for $40 and we had to go see him the next day. But to my surprise, when I tried calling my agent to confirm my schedule for the week, I couldn’t get the reception. “What the hell?” – I thought to myself. Just a week ago I gave my aunt the money to pay the bill. To clarify the situation, I knocked on her door.

  - Oh, hi, honey! Good thing you came, I was just going to tell you, don’t use your phone. I called AT&T and told them it was stolen.

  - What?! Why? – I was enraged. I should have just gone with R. and done it without notifying her.

  - Well, we agreed that we need to unlock it, but I don’t know how good those guys you were going to see are, so I’ll give it to the guy I know.

  - I’m not giving you my phone. – She really crossed the line this time and I was this close to smashing the fucking phone on the floor, just like Julie did.

  - I’ll just unlock it and give it back to you.

  - No.

  - Why not?

  - I don’t trust you.

  - What do you mean you don’t trust me?

  - It means that if I give you my phone, I won’t have it back. And how could you do such a thing without even telling me?! I can’t even call my driver now to tell him the time he should pick me up! How am I supposed to go to work?!

  - I thought you bought a new phone.

  - Why would
I buy a new phone?!

  - Because this one is mine, it’s on my name.

  - What are you talking about?! I paid for it! Yes, I used your number, but I fucking paid for the phone!!!

  - I’ll give it to you, I just have to unlock it today, they said it has a chip inside and they can find it. And if they find out what I did, I’m gonna have to pay a huge fine.

  - I need a new phone now, for these couple of days at least, I somehow need to get to work. And I need to transfer all the numbers to it, so what about that?

  - I’ll take you to Best Buy, no problem.

  You are my fucking problem!!! I was so furious, I haven’t spoken to her all the way to the store. I couldn’t believe we actually shared the same blood. I hated her with every single cell of my body and wished she would just drop dead! You are wondering why do all the bad things happen to you, greedy bitch? Because of the thing called Karma, that’s why! Your front tooth keeps falling off? Stop tricking people with your so-called real estate services and stripping them of their money! Your back yard keeps getting flooded with orange clay coming down from the construction up the hill? Pay your debts to the people you owe! Your husband won’t come out from jail for the next two years? Well, you deserved every single bad thing happening to you, darling!

  I didn’t have too much cash on me, so I bought a Blackberry, put a prepaid $40 T-Mobile sim card in it, transferred all the contacts to it and handled Aunt Anna my iPhone. I knew that 99 percent out of a hundred I won’t have it back, and I did it on purpose. She’ll take it, and something ten times worse will happen to her, it always does to people like that, and I’ll just sit back, relax, and watch life fuck her over.

  _______________

  My moving problems didn’t finish with that though. I couldn’t wait for the next day to move into Mikky’s apartment and spent the whole day with her, while she was showing me how to use gas, how to sign her checks to pay the bills, where the laundry room was, and everything else I might need while she was away.