by Colet Abedi
I hope he can’t see how my hand trembles or how nervous I am. I’m about to admit to him, a total stranger, my deepest, darkest secret. The one I’ve kept from every person I love and adore in my life, the one only my therapist knows. Somehow, I know it’s something I have to do. I can tell him.
I have to tell him.
“What is it?” His voice is quiet, and I feel the burn of his gaze as it moves over my body.
“It happened a while ago,” I say slowly, keeping my gaze away from his, focusing on a point on the wall in front of me as the memories flood my mind, hitting me like a wave.
Of who I was.
What my life was like.
I was such a different person. An innocent girl, not wise to the ways of the world. I was spoiled. Entitled. Thinking everything was mine for taking. I had no sense of consequence. Of cause and effect even. It’s funny because now, I don’t even recognize that girl. I don’t know who she is. If I saw her on the street, she would be a total stranger.
This place in my mind…this is a place I haven’t revisited for a long time, not for years. It’s like I’m watching a television screen with my life playing out right before me. All of it just…
Distant memories.
“I want to know.” Trouble’s voice is dangerously soft.
Chapter Seven
Kerri
In one second, the energy in the entire room shifts.
And it’s not me. It’s Trouble. His body exudes an intensity that sweeps over the room and fills the large space.
“What happened to you, Kerri?” His voice is soft, but I sense an underlying edge.
Something dangerous.
“I was seventeen.” My words sound as if they’re coming from someone else, as if I’ve left my body and am watching what’s happening from the outside.
This story isn’t about me.
It’s a sad tale about a girl I don’t even know anymore.
A girl I was, not the woman I am.
“I was attacked,” I say, admitting my secret out loud. “Assaulted.” My hand trembles so badly, I have to put the glass down on the bar. I wrap my arms around my waist and can’t help but feel as if I’m in a long, dark tunnel trying to run toward the light.
“Who?” His voice is barely audible.
“Someone I knew. One of my father’s business partners.” I take a deep breath and close my eyes, trying to calm myself as best I can, when I see the moment flash before my eyes. “He attacked me in their house, in my own home, where I grew up.”
My voice breaks, and I have to stop talking. I haven’t spoken about my attack in a long while, and I forgot how the memory can feel so raw and fresh, as if it was only yesterday. It paralyzes me.
Trouble moves fast.
Before I know it, Trouble’s wrapped his arms around me from behind and has pulled me into his strong body, as if he can somehow shelter me from the pain, guard me from it, or even take the memory away.
My body instinctively flinches, and I have to open my eyes and focus on Trouble’s handsome face. It’s only him, I tell myself. Not the monster. There is nothing to be afraid of. Not anymore. His face moves into my neck as he holds me possessively, slowly breathing me in, waiting for me to continue.
It takes a moment, but then I feel safe again. “After…” I lean into his strength. “That was the last night I slept in my parents’ home. I moved into the guesthouse because I couldn’t bear to walk past the den…the memories, sometimes they can consume you.”
My voice breaks and I have to stop. Though the moments are rare, sometimes the memories hit me so hard that it’s difficult for me to even breathe or function. Sometimes it’s just too much. Trouble rubs my arms and kisses the side of my neck.
“It’s okay, baby.” His voice is gruff and filled with emotion.
His sweet words warm my heart, and I realize he’s right because it is okay. I’m okay, especially now, because of him. Because of what he’s made me finally feel. I was wrong. The man who assaulted me didn’t steal that piece of me. It’s still alive. It’s always been here, just waiting for someone to awaken me.
“I’m okay now,” I assure him in a strong voice. “It’s taken a long time, but I am.”
“Do your parents…” Trouble sounds protective. “Do they know?”
I shake my head. “You’re the first person I’ve told. Besides my therapist, you’re the only person who knows what happened.”
His body melts into mine. “I don’t really know what to say.”
I can hear the struggle in his voice. He’s unsure how to handle my admission.
“You don’t have to say anything. I don’t know why I feel like I can tell you my deepest secret. For as long as I can remember, this has been my story. Only mine. And the last thing I wanted was pity from people, especially my parents. I don’t think my mom would be able to handle it. It would be too devastating for her. She’ll think she didn’t protect me.”
“But she’s your mother.”
“It would break her,” I say.
“And your father?” His tone takes on a hard edge.
“I know my dad. He would have felt responsible,” I say, trying to explain my logic and hoping he’ll understand. “And the guilt…I don’t know what it’d do to him, or worse, what he would do if he knew.”
Trouble’s body is like cold marble. I know he’s upset for me. He probably thinks it’s my dad’s place to protect me, especially from his business partner. But Dad doesn’t know and I don’t think I’ll ever tell him. I put my hand over Trouble’s and squeeze, hoping the gesture will relax him.
“You don’t know how much you’ve helped me,” I tell him.
“How have I possibly helped you?” His voice is dangerously soft.
I wrap my arms around his waist and look up at him, letting my guard down, allowing him to see me—really see Kerri.
Not many people have.
“I thought the monster had killed that part of me.”
“What part?” Trouble asks, his gaze searching mine.
“The part that makes you feel something. Like desire.” I know he can hear the longing in my voice. “Want. Need. But from the moment…”
For a second, I lose my train of thought, lost in the tenderness radiating from his eyes. My body reacts to his look as if I’ve been scorched by the sun.
“I saw you…” I have to shift my gaze, focusing now on his throat. “I just felt…alive.”
I wait for him to respond. When he doesn’t give me something right away, I feel shy and embarrassed. Maybe I revealed too much too soon.
“You should know—” Trouble’s words are a caress. His hand trails up my skin until his finger slowly rubs my lower lip. “You make me feel…”
My gaze finds his, and I’m completely enraptured. For a moment, Trouble looks pained. Then he closes his eyes as if he’s hiding something from me, and when he opens them, he lets me in.
“You make me feel.”
I cup his cheek and he leans into me, closing his eyes. We stay like that for a while, the moment heavy with emotion that neither of us really understand—or maybe we do but are too afraid to acknowledge it.
“Trouble?” I whisper.
“Yes?”
“Will you help me forget him?”
At first I think he’s going to reject me, but he lets out a groan and pulls me into his embrace, tenderly kissing me. His mouth moves softly over mine, and he deepens the kiss. My fingers run through his hair and I pull him in, trying to incite him to give me more, because I need more.
And I want it from him.
Only him.
His hands move over my body, over the backs of my naked thighs, brushing against my skin, drawing soft lines, gently teasing me. His touch drives me crazy, and I’m longing for a release I know he’ll give me. For an experience that will make everything in my life shift.
We kiss like teenagers experiencing something new and forbidden. He gently pulls away and cups my face, starin
g deep into my soul.
“Not like this,” he whispers, shaking his head.
I look at him in confusion, but Trouble picks me up, cradles me in his embrace, and walks to the leather couch. Once he stretches out and gets comfortable, he pulls me into his arms and cuddles me. He moves my hand across his chest, over his heart. It beats strong and fast. It reassures me, knowing he feels the same way.
He’s not going to give me what I want.
Not here. Not now. Not like this.
But when?
“You come here to face your fears.” Trouble speaks my secret, his voice practically a whisper.
“Yes,” I say, not surprised he picked up on that.
“You’re brave.” He states this as if it’s a fact.
I’m uncomfortable with the compliment. “Maybe, but I’ve never seen it like that. I just see it as something I have to do for myself, for my life. I have to face my greatest fear or it will destroy me one day. There’s really no other choice.”
“You’re still courageous.” He rubs my arm. “Don’t doubt it. Take the praise, Kerri. You deserve it.”
I have a feeling he rarely, if ever, gives praise.
We continue to hold each other. We’re like vines wrapped in each other’s arms, and we stay like this for a long while. If I’m honest, I can say without a doubt that I’ve never felt so safe with a man. Something about him makes me feel as if I’ve come home and I don’t have to worry anymore. That I’ve finally found what I’ve been searching for. I lazily draw lines on his chest, thinking about how strange it is that I feel so comfortable with him.
In a way, I feel as if we’ve already been together and we’re just reconnecting.
“Tell me something about you,” I say, wanting to get out of my own head and away from everything I’m thinking about Trouble. I tilt my face so I can look at him.
His enigmatic gaze captures mine, his look guarded. For a second, I think he’s going to deny me my request, but he surprises me.
His eyes flicker away from mine, his jaw taut as he says, “I was thirteen years old when I lost my parents.”
That was the last thing I was expecting to hear. He says it so nonchalantly, as if he’s talking about something as trivial as the weather. But there’s something else in his voice that I recognize—a profound pain—and I hurt for him. Sympathy floods my heart, my gaze moving over the rigid lines on his face.
I feel his pain, feel for the child he was. I can still see that little boy in his face. To lose your parents so young is something I can’t imagine, don’t even want to picture. As dysfunctional as we can be, or however irritated my family makes me, I don’t know what my world would look like without them. I hope that day doesn’t come for a long while.
“I’m so sorry, Trouble.” My voice is gentle. I hug him tightly, wishing I could somehow take his pain away.
His body tenses as he relives the memory. “They left my sister and me home with a babysitter to go out to a movie and dinner.” He smiles ruefully. “It was their date night.”
His eyes take on a faraway look, as if he’s been taken back in time. I know reliving this must be hard for him. I’m filled with gratitude that he’s trusting me, letting me in, telling me one of his secrets. I know it can’t be easy for him. He doesn’t strike me as a man who likes to share his life or emotions with anyone.
No matter what happens between us, I will never forget this night.
“It was around three in the morning.” His eyes are fixed ahead as he recounts the story, pulling it from his mind where the moment is lodged, where I know it will be lodged forever. “The babysitter was asleep. We were asleep—my sister, Tanya, and me—when the police rang the doorbell.”
Trouble laughs hollowly, shaking his head. “I mean, how do they deliver the news? How do they tell a twenty-year-old babysitter her employers are dead and the two kids upstairs are shit out of luck? How do you tell them their parents were killed by a drunk driver?”
My tears come on their own accord, and I’m unable to stop them. I’m devastated for him. For the child he was, what must have been going through his mind. I hold him tightly, wishing I could take his hurt away. I hate that life can be so cruel, but it can be, and I know that firsthand.
Trouble squeezes me back, still keeping his eyes averted.
“Our lives obviously dramatically shifted overnight. My parents weren’t wealthy like yours. We were middle class, if that. And people tend to think they’re invincible. My parents didn’t know they would die young—both of them. So there wasn’t much to take care of Tanya and me.”
Trouble sounds defensive of his mom and dad, as if he feels he has to justify their situation to me. He doesn’t. I know what it means to be me, to come from the wealth I do. I’m lucky.
His bright blue eyes capture mine, the look indecipherable.
“Tanya was your only sibling.” I say.
“Yes.” His eyes flicker away. “She was.”
Was.
Which means Trouble has suffered much loss. My heart aches even more for him.
“After the accident, we moved in with a distant cousin of my mom’s in Walnut Creek,” he says, his muscles taut. “She was…adequate.”
“Tell me,” I say, using the same words he did with me.
He shrugs. “She was enough, I guess. Housed us. Put some food on the table and reluctantly drove us to where we needed to go when there was no other choice for her…but she never gave us anything more.”
My heart hurts for him. Even if he’ll never admit it, there is pain there—trauma, even—from this woman.
“We got what we needed from my best friend’s mom and dad,” Trouble explains. “Trevor’s family was everything after my parents died. Christmas, birthdays, any holidays…they took my sister and me in like their own.”
“You knew each other before?” I ask.
“They were our neighbors when my parents were alive,” he tells me. “They even tried to adopt us after the accident, but my mom’s cousin wanted to control what little money there was. So she fought tooth and nail.” His eyes flicker to mine.
“She received the pittance from insurance.” His voice takes on a ruthless edge. “And she shot herself in the foot, ruined what could have been a good thing, because had she had a drop of compassion in that selfish body of hers, I would have made sure she was taken care of her entire life. But greed won out, as it usually does with people.”
A shiver runs down my spine. The look that comes over Trouble’s face is…chilling, to say the least. I would not want to be this man’s enemy.
“Tell me about Trevor.” I want to change the topic. I don’t want him to stay in a place that hurts so bad. I know too well how those memories can be paralyzing.
It takes a moment, but his demeanor becomes softer. “Trevor is my brother. I love him. I’ve known him since I was seven years old. We were neighbors, but we didn’t officially meet until we were on the same summer softball team. He’s fucking great at every sport.”
Trouble smiles, and it lights up his face. I can feel the love he has for Trevor. It radiates from him.
“And I’m not just saying that.” He gives me a look. “He really is. He played for the Golden State Warriors.”
Realization dawns and I shake my head. “Wait, are you talking about Trevor Garnett? He’s your best friend?”
Trouble’s arm tightens around my waist, and he narrows his eyes at me. It’s almost like he’s jealous.
Almost.
“You know who he is?” His words have a certain edge.
“Uh, yeah.” I roll my eyes. “Who doesn’t?”
Trevor Garnett is a legend. A dreamy one…but I won’t share that thought with Trouble.
“Didn’t he just retire?” I ask.
“He did.” Trouble sounds annoyed. “To spend more time with his wife and child.”
The way he mentions Trevor’s wife and child, as if he’s reminding me his best friend is taken, makes me want to laugh. Don
’t get me wrong, Trevor Garnett is all sorts of delicious, but Trouble Whatever His Last Name Is has Kerri Harrington written all over him.
“Good for him.” I give him a wide smile. “I like a family man.”
Trouble pinches my derriere in retaliation. I giggle and try to move away, but he holds me tightly and tickles me. Our limbs are completely entangled in seconds, and before I know it, Trouble is leaning above my body, moving his hips until they’re snuggled perfectly against mine. I lose my breath.
He wants me. I can feel how bad, and I want all of it.
It almost makes me want to beg.
He rubs his hips against mine, making me arch against him and moan in desire. He kisses my neck, then traces a path upward until his lips find my mouth and take full ownership. My legs wrap around his hips and pull him into me as his hands move up my naked waist and pull down the lace bra holding my breasts. He rips his lips from mine, and his mouth captures my nipple, licking and teasing until it’s engorged from the assault. My hands move through his thick hair as I moan in desire.
I want him so badly.
His lips trace a path down my stomach until he’s between my legs. He rips off my underwear, leaving my skirt in place and making me so wild I can’t even hold back my screams. Just as he wished, my legs are wrapped around his neck as he continues to make me crazy with desire. My hands claw at the couch, ripping into the leather, and I moan. My back arches as he licks, teases, and assaults my every sense.
“Trouble?” I feel as if I’m in an ocean of bliss, about to catch a wave, but I don’t quite know how to trust that it will take me to the shore.
“Trust me.” Trouble moves up and whispers against my mouth, as if he can read my mind, “Everything will be okay. I will never hurt you.”
I move my hand to cup his cheek.
“I’m going to give you what you need.” As he says this, he inserts two fingers inside me, which causes an instant, earth-shattering, completely life-changing climax.
My body trembles around him as the waves roll through me, all while he whispers sweet words against my mouth. We kiss, and he moves his hands to cup my ass, then pulls me up against his hard cock. He settles between my legs as one of his hands kneads my breast. I moan against his mouth, wanting more.
