Love As Big As Texas

by Hestand, Rita

  "He is?" Jimmy stared up at Pedro.

  Pedro took off his sombrero and laid it in the hay as he examined the wound on Butch's foot more closely. He opened the paw up so he and Jimmy could see.

  "Si, he runs critters out of the barn and hen house. He lets us know if strangers come on property, and he helps us track too." Pedro explained.

  "He does all that?" Jimmy's eyes got big.

  "He sure does. A good dog is valuable on a ranch." Pedro informed him. "He's not just a pet, he's a ranch hand."

  "Gosh, I didn't think he did all of that. Someday I'm gonna be a big cowboy and a big help to my Pa."

  Pedro looked at him, and smiled. "Why Jimmy you already are. You feed the chickens, and Butch. You help your Ma, and you've even branded a calf. That's a big help."

  "I guess, but I want to do more. I want to stay here, live here the rest of my life…" Jimmy gestured as he stood up once more and looked about the barn.

  "You like it here, very much, don't you?"

  "Very much."

  "Well then, you must grow first, and learn. There is much to learn about a ranch, but I'm sure you're Pa is very proud of you."

  "I hope so. I like it here. So does my Ma. I can tell, she don't say much, but I know she's happy here and she isn't afraid anymore."

  "Afraid? Was she afraid before she came here?"

  "All the time."

  "Why, what of?"

  "My real Pa for one, the folks we lived around, everything just about. I wanted to take care of her, but my Pa, he was pretty mean. I wanted to stop him, but I couldn't. When we came here things were different. Ma smiles a lot now. She is happy, so I am happy."

  "I'm sorry for that Jimmy. Not all men are like that, I hope you know."

  Jimmy nodded. "Ben's not like that."

  "Si, he is not."

  "Will Butch be alright?" Jimmy looked at the dog once more.

  "Si, we will fix him." Pedro smiled. "He is getting quite old though. We should get another dog…"

  "What would you do with Butch?" Jimmy's eyes widened.

  "Oh well, we would keep him too, but he wouldn't have to do so much work then."

  Jimmy pet the dog and then saw his Pa coming. Ben glanced down at Butch. He bent down to rub his stomach and pulled his face up to his. "Alright you let Pedro doctor you so you can get well. I need you." Ben laughed.

  "Si, but he needs disinfectant. I need more. He got into some cactus and it got into the soft tissue of his paw. It's infected and that's why he's limping. Need something to disinfect it. Might have to wrap it for a few days too."

  "I'll have Jim pick some up when he takes that mare over at Doc Haskell's." Ben informed him. "Don't want Butch getting too sick."

  "Your kind of partial to that old dog, aren't you, Ben?" Pedro laughed.

  "He's been here since I was a kid. I tried to make a pet out of him when I was little, but Pa insisted he was a working dog. But yeah…I'm partial to him."

  "We've been talking about getting another dog around the place. Since Butch is getting up in age." Pedro looked doubtful at Ben.

  "Maybe you're right. Of course it would take a while for a new pup to do as much as Butch. But we should get one before Butch gets too old to teach him."

  "Si." Pedro laughed.

  Ben smiled. He glanced at Jimmy. "Are you saddled up?"

  "No sir…"

  "Well, better get Sugarfoot ready to go. We got a full day of it today." Ben claimed. "Can you manage the saddle on that stool Pedro built you?"

  "Yes, if you can put it on, I can cinch it by myself."

  "Good." Ben nodded and went to get the saddle for him. Jimmy climbed up on the stool and put the blanket on himself.

  "You're getting to be a top hand, Jimmy." Ben bragged on him and ruffled his hair. Ben grabbed Jimmy's hat off the nail where Jimmy hung it every night, and put it on Jimmy's head. "Don't forget your hat. It's important equipment for a cowboy."

  "It is?"

  "Shades your eyes from the sun, protects your head from the rain."

  "Yes sir."

  As Jimmy readied Sugarfoot, he rode him out of the barn.

  Pedro glanced at Ben. "He's a good kid."

  "Yeah, he is. He learns pretty fast. Thanks for all the things you've built and made to make it easier for him. I appreciate it."

  "Si, I like him too. And the woman…is she a good wife for you?" Pedro smiled.

  Ben looked at him good-naturedly. He knew Pedro was trying to draw a response from him, and smiled. "She's good."

  "I haven't had to hide the bottle from you since you married her." Pedro laughed.

  "Point taken. I guess I'm through with those days." Ben smiled. "She's had it rough enough; I don't need to add to it. Her dead husband was a drunk. I don't think I want to set that kind of example for Jimmy."

  "So being married isn't so bad?" Pedro kept on.

  "No…" Ben admitted freely. "It isn't so bad at all…"

  "And you are quite fond of Jimmy. Perhaps you will have many children, then." Pedro smiled. "It would be good to have lots of children on the ranch. Jimmy has already made lots of friends here."

  Ben didn't comment.

  "You do want children, no?" Pedro saw the perplexed looked on Ben's face.

  "Yeah, I think I do…but…our marriage hasn't progressed to that point yet. She's a pretty skittish female, Pedro." Ben admitted. He'd often confided in Pedro, but this was awkward. "With good cause of course."

  "Time will cure that. I see the way she looks at you…"

  "And how is that?" Ben asked.

  Pedro studied him quietly a moment before answering.

  "She looks with her heart." Pedro smiled and threw an arm around his shoulder. "Give her a bit more time, she'll come around."

  "I hope you're right." Ben shrugged. "But I got lots of time, and I'm willing to wait."

  Pedro smiled. "You look at her the same way."

  Ben turned his head to look at Pedro. "I told her when and if she's ready to let me know, but…to tell the truth, I'm not sure I'll recognize the signals." Ben smiled shyly, he understood her reluctance in more ways than one, but his own feelings confused him to some point. He hadn't figured on liking her, and he was already passed that point.

  "When you kiss, is it good, does she respond?" Pedro asked.

  "So far…yes…"

  "That is good. No?"

  "Si, that is good. Yes." Ben smiled.

  "She is not a whore señor Ben, she is a lady. A lady that's been through much trouble. She needs gentling, given time she will be excellente. If she comes to you by choice, it will be muy good for you both."

  Ben shuffled his feet. "Yeah…well, we better get on out to the branding…I want to finish up in a few days…we got a lot of mustangs to tame." Ben slapped Pedro on the shoulder.

  "Si…"

  All day he thought about what Pedro said and realized that he was anxious for her to come around. He was ready to take their relationship further.

  However, late that evening after supper and the dishes had been washed; Gabby wandered out to the barn where Pedro and some of the other boys were playing music. Pedro played the guitar, Jinks played the harmonica. Jinks was an older hand, he'd been on this ranch forever and everyone liked him. She leaned against the stall door and listened staring out the barn door at the sunset while the music echoed in her head.

  "You like the music?" Ben came up behind her softly so she didn't hear. She turned around abruptly.

  "Yes, it's beautiful." Gabby was surprised to see him. He had been talking with Jason and she had come outside for a bit of fresh air.

  When he didn't say anything, she blurted. "Jason seemed anxious to get finished with the branding, didn't he?"

  "Yeah, he's always anxious about something around here. He's less and less active on the ranch any more and so he wants things done yesterday. But he's sort of putting himself out to pasture and I'm trying to keep him active."

  "Why, I mean, he's older, isn't it
time for him to retire?"

  "A man like my father doesn't just retire over night. His mind is always working, thinking about this place and how to keep it going. But I want him active, otherwise he's liable to get old and die on me…"

  "Dying really bothers you doesn't it?" She asked softly.

  Ben's head jerked up to look at her. "Doesn't it you?"

  She shrugged. "Not as much, I don't guess."

  "Why not?"

  "I believe that going to heaven is a good thing. That for every season there is a purpose. When I heard my father died, I grieved inside for a bit, but I thought about all the struggles he had in his life, all the sadness and tears and I realized that where he was going, he'd be better off. So I didn't miss him as badly. I knew my mother would be with him too. And that pleased me. He's with my mother now, and he's happy. I just know it. We don't die before our time, Ben. And Jen and your mother dying at the same time, think about Ben, they'll be together, not alone."

  "Maybe you are right, but the same illness that your father had, my mother and sister had. Unfortunately, nothing will convince me that my sister died at the right time. When I was little…Ma didn't let me go to funerals. I was half grown by the time I witnessed my first one. It had a profound effect on me. I didn't understand it. Still don't, I guess."

  "Your sister was young, and that is sad, I agree. Sad for you, but not for her."

  He looked at her strangely.

  "Don't you believe in heaven Ben?" She asked.

  "Sure…sure I do." His voice sounded harsh for a moment, and then as he thought about it, it softened. "But when God takes the young, it makes you wonder, doubt."

  "Don't doubt it, accept it. She's in a better place, Ben."

  "You really believe that, don't you?" He stared at her, his face mixed with confusion and loss.

  "I really do…"

  "Then why were you afraid of your husband?" He turned on her, wanting her to feel the pain he was feeling.

  She looked down away, almost as though she were ashamed. And then the memory of what he did played in her mind. "Because I knew he wouldn't kill me…he'd merely hurt me and leave me like that. Because his brutality made me miscarry a child. I lost…a baby."

  "Oh God…I'm so sorry Gabby. I didn't mean to dredge that up. I didn't know." Ben rushed to hold her close.

  Gabby swallowed hard. "I wanted the baby, not because it was his, but because it was a new life I could love. When it happened, I didn't have a doctor. We couldn't afford to pay a doctor and they only came to camp once a month. A lady that lived next to us, heard him hitting me and came over later when he left, she helped me. After that, I didn't care if he lived or died. I didn't care if he came home or not either. And that was wrong of me, but its how I felt. It took me a while to get over it, if I ever really did." She said and a tear escaped down her cheek. "So I know what it is to grieve.You see, he almost made me lose faith. Almost…"

  He came closer, took out his bandana and dried her eyes. "I'm sorry Gabby. That was unkind to bring that up. It must have been a nightmare."

  "He made me realize that we have to face life, head on. We have to face life, Ben. The good and the bad."

  "So why you think the bad happens if God is watching over us?" Ben asked her.

  "Because…" she affirmed quite simply. "Without the bad, we wouldn't appreciate the good. You can't have day without night, or life without death."

  He stared into her face.

  "You're a brave woman, Gabby. Braver than I ever imagined."

  She sighed and went to stare out at the eve of the evening. "I don't fear death, I fear pain."

  "I can understand that." He nodded.

  "We all fear something, Ben."

  She leaned on the barn door for a while, looking out and enjoying the music too.

  Texas was so different from Colorado in so many ways but she had come to love this ranch in the short time she'd been here. She loved the smell of fresh hay being scattered in the stalls. The quiet of a lovely sunset. The peace that seemed to surround the place.

  Her foot was keeping time to the music. He looked down at it and smiled.

  "Want to dance?" He asked her suddenly.

  "Dance? Here?" She looked around.

  "Why not."

  She looked up at him and smiled. "Why not…" she repeated.

  They played beautiful dreamer when Pedro and Jinks spotted them.

  Ben waltzed her around the barn several times and they both seemed a little swept away by the ballad. When the music stopped and Pedro and Jinks left, the barn became secluded. He pulled her closer and a hand reached up to stoke her cheek. Without thought, she bowed her cheek to his hand, soaking in the sweet caress. Then slowly, his hand went to the back of her head and he gently pulled her into a kiss.

  He heard her swoon, felt her lips melt against his and as he pulled her fully into his arms, he felt her heartbeat quicken.

  However, she moved away abruptly when he turned her loose.

  "Maybe we should join the others," she whispered when he came up for air.

  "Why. I kind of like it here, just you and me. You aren't afraid of me, are you Gabby?" He asked his glance going over her thoroughly.

  "No, of course not." Her voice rattled on a husky note.

  "I'd never hurt you, Gabby." He vowed softly, his eyes never leaving hers.

  "I know…" she barely managed to say. His nearness seemed to affect her, and his head turned in question.

  "So why do you keep running away from me then?" He asked in a taunting voice. "The first time I kissed you, you seemed to enjoy it, like it even. The second time even more, but lately…you seem to be running away from me. But we're married now. I'm your husband."

  "I wasn't…" she began, her chest rising and falling quickly. "It's just…."

  "Just what?" He came closer, staring into her eyes. "Tell me why you don't want my kisses?"

  "I do…" she answered swiftly. And he smiled.

  "Then what is it."

  "I-I like you now." she whispered. "I care about you."

  He moved in closer, his lips hovering above hers. "I like you too…" He admitted freely. "So…" he swept her lips lightly like a feather, enticing her. She fell back against the barn wall. She closed her eyes and he kissed her again, this time she responded, almost wildly kissing him back. He took her lower lip, toying with it, and then his tongue swept inside and caressed her.

  Her arms flew around his neck and she hung on.

  She was breathless when she came up for air. Her face was flushed and her eyes sparkled.

  "I'm afraid—" she whispered, as his eyes devoured her. "Of other things…"

  "Of what?" he asked gently. His lips dancing across hers in a mesmerizing kiss. But she came into the kiss, her lips melting, responding, touching and retouching. Her arms floated around his neck, and her body was flushed against his.

  "What are you afraid of Gabby?" He moaned when she kissed his cheek voluntarily. "Tell me."

  "Of falling in love with you…" She whispered, and pushed him away. "Of maybe you leaving someday…"

  She ran into the house unable to say anymore.

  He stared after her a long while. The smile on his lips lingered as he relived the kisses. "So am I…" he whispered staring out at the night. "Of falling in love…it's new to me too. But I have no intention of leaving."

  Chapter Fifteen

  The next morning Helena was talking to her as Jimmy had gone out with the men again. He was really enjoying going, it made him feel a part of the place too and Gabby realized just how deep she and Jimmy were meshing into this family. It delighted and scared her.

  "Ben wants me to get some clothes…." Gabby began as they cleaned up the breakfast dishes. "I just feel so…mixed up about it. I didn't marry him for his money…He doesn't need to spend a lot of money on me."

  "That is wonderful, I'm so glad he thought of it." Helena smiled at her. "And of course you didn't marry him for his money, but you must be prese
ntable."

  Gabby looked at her. "Look at me Helena."

  "What is wrong?"

  "I'm too thin…no dresses in the stores will fit me." There were tears in her eyes. "Even as a kid, when I had new clothes they swallowed me." She complained. "And I'm too tall. I've never been able to walk into a store and find clothes that fit me right. I'm so different from most women, too tall, too thin…"

  Helena eyed her again. "Then I will make them for you. I will make them fit you, and you will look lovely."

  "Oh…oh, thank you, but I cannot ask such a thing of you." Gabby nearly cried at her offer.

  "You must. I cannot allow you to go naked. Of course, if I am to do that much sewing, I will need some time for it. So you'll have to handle things for me every now and then. We'll buy some patterns, and materials and make you anything you need or want. And you can quit fretting it will be cheaper this way too. We'll get Jimmy some clothes too, for school and for play." Helena smiled. "It will be so much fun. Can you sew?"

  "Not much…no."

  "Then I will teach you, and you can help."

  "It will be a lot of work. I feel guilty."

  "Don't, I enjoy sewing more than anything except dancing."

  "You like to dance?" Gabby smiled.

  "Love it."

  Gabby remembered dancing with Ben in the barn, it was so personal, so endearing, and she was really falling in love with her husband.

  "Do you go to the dances when they have them?"

  "I haven't in a while."

  "I'll bet you are the bell of the ball." Gabby laughed.

  "Jason doesn't think so. At least he never says anything."

  "What do you mean?" Gabby's brows met in a frown.

  "He never asks me to dance."

  "Why ever not?"

  "Because he is in mourning and it wouldn't be proper I'm his housekeeper." Helena sighed heavily. "And I'm Mexican…"

  "So what? You are a beautiful woman. Nonsense. The man cannot live without you. And the next dance, I'll see that he asks you." Gabby laughed.

  "Oh…" Helena grabbed her and hugged her to her. "You are such a Godsend. What would I ever do without you?"

  "This will be so much fun." Gabby clapped her hands and smiled.