by Amity Cross
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I tugged his shirt free from his trousers as he shucked off his jacket, desperate to touch his skin and feel it pressing against mine. Both our fingers fumbled with the buttons and giving up, I grasped his belt and undid the buckle as he made short work of his top half.
I didn’t know what was going to happen after all of this was said and done, but I did know that there was no stopping it. Like a tsunami rolling in from the vast, unknown depths of the ocean, there was nothing I could do but hold on for dear life and ride the wave.
Jude kicked off his trousers and tossed his shirt on the floor. I ran my hands over his defined stomach muscles, which had been featured so prominently in that underwear advertisement I’d flushed at all those months ago. Standing in an elevator half a world away, visualizing what was underneath… It was right here, he was here for me.
Hardly able to catch my breath, he pulled my top up over my head and tossed it onto the floor next to his own discarded clothing. His eyes widened as he realized I hadn’t been wearing anything but the lacy knickers I’d intended to wear with the gown underneath.
In a moment that seemed to slow down space and time, he reached out and caressed my breasts in his hands. Softly at first, and then harder as I pressed into his touch. Then, his hand was moving lower and lower across my stomach and into my underwear, pushing them down and off.
He rubbed the pad of his thumb over my clit as his fingers slipped into my wetness and began to explore, but it wasn’t enough. I moaned as the hot spark of pleasure began to rise, and then I was in his arms, floating through space, completely at his mercy. It didn’t matter, I trusted him. I was his. He could lead my anywhere, and I would follow without question.
I fell onto the mattress, my back pressed against the expensive linen as Jude climbed over me, urging my legs apart. Yes.
I could feel him against me, his hardest and most intimate places against mine, then pressure as he slid into me. A little at first, and then all at once.
Our gazes held like glue as we joined completely, his green eyes hooded, sparkling with his desire and his restraint. His lips brushed against mine, his breathing ragged, my fingers trembling as they traced the strong lines of his back.
He moved with slow, deliberate strokes, his mouth lavishing attention wherever it landed. Wrapping my legs around his waist, I rose to meet him, my fingers digging into his back.
He rolled me over and I was astride him, my body on show as he lay beneath me. Once, I would’ve been crippled by self-consciousness being in such a vulnerable position with a man, but the feeling never even reached my orbit. It didn’t even enter the atmosphere.
I didn’t have to hide myself with Jude. I never had to. Jude had always been here, listening…wanting.
Strong hands grasped my hips as I moved along his length until he could bear it no more. Sitting up, he wrapped his arms around my back and held me close as we joined completely again and again.
Fisting my hands into his hair, I pulled his lips to mine and kissed him slow and hard, my tongue twining with his. I’d wanted him like this for so long, and I’d thought about what it would be like, but it had nothing on the real thing. Nothing I could’ve imagined would have prepared me for this moment. We were in uncharted territory.
Just as I was about to fall over the precipice, he flipped me onto my back and his mouth lavished first one breast, and then the other before thrusting into me hard. Crying out, I met him stroke for stroke, faster and faster until I was nothing but sensation, building and pulsing higher and higher.
And he was the same, grunting, panting, muttering words that were indecipherable, sharing the same awareness he’d created within me.
I used to roll my eyes at the notion of seeing stars during an orgasm. I’d thought it was a stupid metaphor that was put into romance novels to heighten the meaning of the money shot, but right now, it was like I was traveling through a wormhole from one side of the galaxy to the other. Stars, asteroids, planets, nebulas, supernovas…they all flashed past until I floated down back into Jude’s arms. Jude’s arms where we were the gravitational singularity in the center of a black hole of space and time. Infinite mass in an infinity small space where all things were boundless, and the laws of physics as humankind understood them, were brought to an end.
Jude’s chest heaved against mine, his lips trembling against the curve of my neck, and I clutched him tightly, never wanting this moment to end. This was about as close as I would ever get to another person in my lifetime. The understanding and pleasure we’d just shared was more than some hollow affair.
The whole time we’d been entwined, we hadn’t uttered a single word. We didn’t have to.
He pulled away from me, his body leaving mine, and he moved his weight to the mattress beside my listless form. His arms enveloped me, caging me against his chest.
I wanted to ask him so many questions. I needed answers and direction. I wasn’t sure I could take this on faith alone.
“Jude?”
“Shh,” he murmured, his fingers stroking up and down my back. “Shh…”
Curling up against his chest, I ran my palm over his waist, feeling the ripple of his muscles underneath my touch. My eyes drooped, sleep tugging at the edges of my psyche.
Jude was the one. Jude was…
Episode Twenty-Five
Define This
Floating.
I was floating.
Magic. Sparks. Complete. Luminous.
Rolling over, a contented smile plastered on my face, I found the bed was empty.
Empty…
I opened my eyes, confusion overriding my contented elation. Jude wasn’t in bed with me. Jude wasn’t…
Listening with everything I had because I hoped he was in the bathroom, or in the shower, or someplace that was still here, I realized the suite was empty. The only sound that permeated the room was the dull roar of Los Angeles through the balcony door that was still slightly ajar.
Running my hand across the sheets, I already knew what conclusion I’d come to, and only a miracle would save me from the pain that was already crashing down on me like a slab of concrete. As my fingers brushed across the one hundred whatever thread Egyptian cotton, the sheets were cold.
Cold.
He hadn’t been here for a long time, and I’d lain here oblivious. He was gone. He’d left.
He’d left.
Confusion morphed into dread. Cold, desolate, dread.
Reaching for my phone, which sat on the bedside table plugged in to charge, I brought the screen to life. There were a few messages from Candy and Maisy asking why I wasn’t at the awards and later on, a couple more from them wanting to know where Jude was. There was nothing from the man himself explaining his absence, and my heart began to sink as deep as the sixth layer of hell.
Sliding out of bed, my muscles were tight—an unwelcome reminder of what I’d allowed myself to do last night. Pure, uninhibited, bliss. It felt like something else in the cold, hard, light of day, but I wasn’t sure of the correct word to describe it.
Padding around the room, I checked to see if he’d left a note, but the hotel stationary was unused. With a sigh, I moved into the bathroom and turned on the shower to wash away the scent of him from my skin.
As soon as the water hit my head and soaked through my hair, I felt a sob building in my chest. He was gone. He’d left me all alone. I wasn’t good enough. I was just a game, a project, a fun time. Lux Dawson was disposable.
I was that little baby waiting for a family all over again. Constantly being passed over for the cuter models that cried less. Alone, shunted around, discarded.
When I emerged from the bathroom, dressed and ready for the day, he still wasn’t there. I checked my phone, but it was still blank.
I was done waiting for a miracle. I was done waiting like a fool.
Deciding to go downstairs and charge an obscene amount of money for breakfast on Starscape’s dime, I patted a little makeup on my
cheeks and around the dark circles under my eyes, shoving away the awful feeling of abandonment that was threatening to control my life.
As I rode the elevator to the ground floor, I began to consider Miles’ offer again. It wasn’t only an opportunity to get out of Naturals and away from Jude, it was an offer that could take me further in the industry. It was an offer I was an idiot not to take.
In the lobby, I made a determined beeline for the restaurant. I’d get bacon, eggs, orange juice, pancakes, bagels, the whole nine yards. I’d fill myself up, and then I’d consider my next move once I’d calmed down a little.
What I wasn’t expecting was to see my worst nightmare at a table in the middle of the room, and I skidded to a stop, my determination fizzing and popping until it died out completely. Total, complete, flatline. Suddenly, I didn’t feel very hungry anymore.
Jude and Tessa.
Jude and Tessa sat at a table.
Together.
Jude and Tessa.
Jude and Tessa together.
I stared into the restaurant, my heart beating so fast I thought it would burst straight through my chest and I’d bleed out on the posh marble floor before paramedics could arrive. Judging by the plates on the table, they’d obviously had breakfast together and had been there for a while. Long enough for the sheets in my room to go cold, for me to have a shower, and for me to get dressed and wait.
Jude stood abruptly, breaking my daze, and I stepped backward, not wanting him to see me.
Tessa rose with him and rounded the table. They began to speak heatedly, their voices hushed, but there was no way I was hearing their conversation all the way out here anyway. I didn’t want to hear. They were probably arguing about the fact that he’d done…you know…with me.
I stood rooted to the spot like a fool, watching their exchange. My entire body still flared from what I’d shared with Jude the night before, but instead of feeling complete, I only felt like the biggest idiot in all of human history.
When she inevitably kissed him, I closed my eyes…but I could still see them. I could still see it because I’d seen it before on that morning outside Mad Mimi’s café. That time, it’d only been a kiss we’d shared. This time, it had been everything I had to give. I’d given Jude Atwood my soul, and he’d used me completely and utterly.
Turning, I opened my eyes and strode toward the elevators. Like I was living in someone else’s robotic life, I went up to the suite, called the airline, and booked the next available flight back to Atlanta.
Packing my bag, I shoved things in haphazardly, not caring if my clothes got wrinkled in my haste to get out of there.
I left the dress for last.
Opening the closet, I stared at the most expensive item of clothing I’d ever owned, the dress that he bought for me. Last night was meant to be a magical fairy tale. It was meant to be my happily ever after. Jude was meant to be my Prince Charming. The only thing I felt when I looked at that dress now was bitterness and a gaping hole that would never be filled as long as I lived.
Dragging the giant box that the dress was encased in across the room, I stared at it with astounding force. I almost thought I could make it burst into flames if I scowled hard enough. I didn’t want it. I couldn’t be within five feet of the stupid thing. The dress had to go and it had to go now, but I hesitated. If I decided to do this, then I would be closing the door on my feelings forever. If I walked away now, then that was it. There was no going back.
My hand went to the necklace I still wore around my neck, the tiny letter L that Jude had given to me on my birthday.
L is for Luminous.
It had represented so many things I’d hoped for and so many things that now felt like they’d never happened at all. I looked at it now and all I saw was the greatest betrayal I’d probably ever face in my lifetime. L wasn’t for luminous. It was for loser.
Reaching behind my neck, I undid the clasp and dropped the entire thing into the box. Folding it into a piece of tissue paper, I tucked it into the bodice of the dress and put the lid onto the whole thing.
Then I gathered all of my things, went downstairs to the concierge, and arranged for the dress to be mailed back to Jude in Atlanta. I couldn’t accept anything from him, and I couldn’t keep trying to hold onto something that was never mine to begin with. I’m sure miracles happened to some people, but that’s why they were called miracles. They were rare, like a celestial event that only happened once every one hundred billion years. Praying for a miracle was pointless.
Finally, as the box that contained my feelings for Jude Atwood left my hands, I checked out of the hotel and wheeled my little suitcase through the lobby, not once tempted to look into the restaurant as I passed.
Outside, I got into a taxi and told the driver to take me to the airport. Sitting in the back as we made our way through the city, I pulled out my phone, the phone that had no missed calls or new messages, and switched it off.
I was on autopilot because if I wasn’t, then I’d break down and never be able to pick myself up again.
I’d spent my entire life worrying about what other people thought about me. Wondering if today was the day I’d be shipped of to a new family, a new school, and a new life I’d have to rebuild over and over. I’d closed myself off, hidden the parts of me that were my core and my being for fear that they might be seen as ugly. Undesirable. Jude had been the only man who’d ever seen the real me...and it wasn’t enough. I feared that I’d never be enough.
Knowing that I was right all along and chose to ignore it, hurt more than seeing Tessa in his arms yet again. I was a fool the first time and the second? Let’s just say that there would never be a third.
* * *
At the airport, everything fell into place.
Standing outside the bookstore as passengers went to and fro waiting for their flights to board, I stared at the magazine rack with about as much enthusiasm as a dirty dishrag. There was a shiny, new copy of US Weekly that must’ve been rushed to print overnight. It wasn’t the only cover that confirmed my suspicions about the events between the moment I’d turned off the television to when I’d woken up this morning. OK!, In Touch, People, and Star all had variations on the same theme.
Picking up a copy of Us Weekly with trembling hands, I read the headline. Where Art Thou, Jude Atwood? Star mysteriously disappears during awards. And below, a picture of Tessa on stage accepting Jude’s award on his behalf. Tessa Donahue: The speech. The love. The star.
Scanning the article, I felt like throwing up.
Tessa Donahue saved the night by going on stage to accept the award for Best Actor on Jude Atwood’s behalf after he mysteriously disappeared in a scene that was clearly unexpected.
Sources say that their relationship has been rocky the last few months with arguments on set and outside influences attempting to split them apart.
Last night, Tessa’s heartfelt speech to the country seemed impromptu, but it was directly from the heart.
Jude disappeared halfway through the ceremony, well before the presentation of the best actor award, which he was announced winner. It is the first big award of the budding Australian actor’s career and no doubt the first of many.
But the question everyone wants answered is, where was Jude Atwood?
I knew exactly where Jude Atwood was. Tearing my heart out and shitting all over it with his empty words.
I didn’t know what else to do, so I shut down all the pathways in my brain and blocked out the emotions that threatened to drown me, and then got on a plane back to Atlanta.
Episode Twenty-Six
This Town is Comin’ Like a Ghost Town
I didn’t want to go to the set but Candy had insisted.
She wanted to spend time with me because they were filming the second to last episode of the season, and she thought I was moping because I didn’t get to go to the awards, so it was her attempt at cheering me up. If she only knew. I didn’t have the heart to tell her what Jude had done, and e
ven if I did, it would result in tears and pain. Neither of which I wanted to go through. Those two things had defined my life for the past week, and all I wanted was to be numb.
Shoot me up with local anesthetic.
Right in the heart.
Every morning.
Forever.
One week since I left Los Angeles. One week since I’d slept with Jude. One week since I’d had contact with him. No calls, no texts, no apologies, nothing. I was sure he’d gotten the dress, shoes, and necklace by now, and if that hadn’t prompted a response, then I was pretty sure that I’d been a simple conquest. A notch in a bedpost. He was probably shacked up with Bitchy McBitchington having a grand old time. Puke.
Hovering by the catering cart, I asked the attendant for a hot chocolate with extra chocolate. I didn’t drink alcohol that often and I was vehemently against drugs, so the only thing I had to self-medicate was sugar. It was a poor substitute for the man who’d broken my heart but them’s the breaks.
It was late afternoon, the sun dipping low over the trees of the forest outside of Atlanta. I’d always liked going to the set when they were filming here. There was something calming about being surrounded by nature amid the chaos of shooting. You just had to walk a few meters and the trailers, the cameras, and the lights would be left behind for nothing but wilderness. The perfect place to get lost.
I felt his presence before I even laid eyes on him. That was the thing about black hole singularities. They sucked you in with their gravitational force, but you never knew what was at their heart until you crossed the event horizon. I’d crossed into the unknown and had the experience of my life. The one-sided experience of my life.
Focusing my full attention on the catering cart, I waited for my hot chocolate with as much enthusiasm as watching paint dry.
Jude stood right next to me, his arm touching mine. Despite wanting to hate him from here to eternity, my aura wrapped around his and went boom.
“Lux, can we talk?”
