L is for Luminous

by Amity Cross

  Hey Jude, Don’t Be A Fool

  I peered out the door into the lane and listened to the words she was too afraid to tell me, my heart heavy with regret.

  “Yeah,” she said, her shoulders rising and falling. “Yeah, I love him.”

  I let the door close softly, and it wouldn’t be until much later that I would realize just how accurate that metaphor was.

  I didn’t know what was more overwhelming. That it took an entire year for me to realize that Lux meant more to me than just a best friend, or more than some passing attraction, or the fact that she loved me.

  I didn’t even know the meaning of the word. At least, not the true meaning.

  Lux had seen the real me from day one. Not the actor, or the character I played on screen, or the persona I put on for the press…she’d managed to peel away all those layers without even trying. She peeled them away by just being true to herself. She looked right into my soul and still said those words.

  I love him.

  Plenty of people had said those words to me. Fans, producers, journalists, Tessa… But none of them had said it with such reverence as Lux Dawson.

  They’d all said it because they wanted something from me. She never wanted anything.

  I’d been angry with her for pushing me away because I’d wanted her, but it turned out that she should’ve pushed harder.

  If anyone was to blame, it was me.

  I’d hurt the woman who loved me beyond recognition, and nothing I ever did would be able to repair the damage.

  * * *

  Upstairs, the table read was over.

  “Jude, darling?”

  I sighed as I caught sight of Sharon walking toward me down the hall.

  “You’re late,” she said sternly. “You’re never late. Is everything okay?”

  Everything was fucked beyond recognition, but I couldn’t tell her that. “I’m sorry,” I offered instead. “I haven’t been feeling well.”

  “Oh, no,” she exclaimed a little flatly, which meant she knew more than I thought she did. “Have you been to see a doctor?”

  “I will,” I said, playing along with the charade.

  “Good. The sooner the better. Go see Maisy and grab a copy of the script before you go,” Sharon said, waving me off. “Take care of yourself, Jude darling. The season final is going to blow minds everywhere.”

  She stepped around me and continued down the hall to her office, and I turned to go grab my script so I could get the hell out of there. So many thoughts were swirling through my addled brain that the world was beginning to tilt on its axis.

  “Jude?”

  I glanced up at the sound of Tessa’s voice, trying not to audibly groan in annoyance. This was a conversation that was a long time in the making, but I wasn’t entirely thrilled to have it right now. Not after Lux’s admission downstairs.

  Sucking in a deep breath, I paused a moment while my balls grew. Time to be the man I was supposed to be the second I decided putting my entire career on the line for the woman in the elevator—a woman I didn’t know shit about, and a woman who intrigued me more than I allowed myself to realize—was a totally sane thing to do.

  My gaze met Tessa’s, and unsurprisingly, I didn’t feel anything. She’d always been a sure bet, but deep down, I knew she was only hanging on because of the doors I could open for her.

  In the beginning, our relationship had been forced on us by the producers. Naturals had been rising fast, and fans were into the romance between our characters. They loved it to the point it became the focus of the show, then the powers that be wanted to boost ratings. That’s when Tessa and I became a thing.

  It started out as fake, but soon the lines blurred and it became real. After everything that had happened over the past year, I realized that none of it had ever been true. The feelings I felt for Tessa were the trappings of fame, and I’d forced myself to feel them to the point where even I believed the lie.

  Tessa was beautiful, but I’d never loved her. Not even for a second.

  “Are you alive in there?” Tessa asked, her face twisting into a scowl.

  “Tessa,” I said, focusing on her. “We’re done.”

  She placed her hands onto her hips. “Excuse me?”

  “I’m done with this.”

  She rolled her eyes and said, “Give it a week, and you’ll be back.”

  “Tessa,” I said, holding her shoulders and staring her right in the eye. “This relationship is faker than your breast implants, and I don’t want to suffer in it a moment longer. We’re done. For good.”

  Her expression fell. “But…”

  If she was able to gather her thoughts and spit a tirade of vitriol at me, I didn’t hear it. I’d already let her go and was walking away, which was something I should’ve done a long time ago. My costar had been a large part of my life over the last three years, but as I went to grab my script from Maisy’s office, I stopped thinking about Tessa Donahue for good.

  She was just…gone.

  End scene, and fade to black.

  * * *

  The last time I saw Lux was the day I’d spied on her in that alley. The day she’d said the words that still haunted me.

  I didn’t know what to do, so I didn’t do anything.

  The last week on set, I went through the motions, but it was like the world was always an arm’s length away. Filming the last episode of a run was always bittersweet, but this time, it didn’t even register. I played my part, got the takes done, and then it was all over for another year. That season finale was one of the best yet, but the wrap party was the performance of my life.

  Lux should’ve been there, but she wasn’t. I didn’t know where she was.

  A week after that, I heard that Naturals was renewed for a fourth season…without Tessa Donahue. Gia Fanning, the actress who played Scar, was coming back as my leading lady, and when the news broke, I’m sure the fans would be beside themselves. Unlike Tessa, Gia was a class act.

  It wasn’t until another few days had passed that I knew I had to do something.

  I’d taken to sitting at Lux’s usual spot outside of Mad Mimi’s café in a lame attempt at trying to connect with the unconnectable when on day twenty, post-Lux, I saw Candy already sitting at the table.

  Sliding into the chair opposite her, I announced my appearance with a sigh. “Candy.”

  She looked up at me and rolled her eyes. “God, you’re an asshole, Jude. I’d expect Tessa to pull that kind of shit, but you? Majorly disappointed.”

  She didn’t say hello, or try to give me the silent treatment, she didn’t sugarcoat any of it.

  “I really fucked up. I know that,” I replied.

  She angled her chair away from me, her gaze settling across the street where she didn’t have to grace herself with my image. “She’s not coming back, you know. She already signed with FMC.”

  I knew she’d already slipped through my fingers. She wasn’t coming back to work on Naturals, and that had been entirely my fault. The show had already been one of the top rated on network television, but with Lux on the team, it had gone through the roof. I didn’t doubt that FMC had paid a pretty penny to get her on their payroll. It was a smart move for her career, and I would’ve told her to take it no matter what our relationship was. But if Starscape had bettered the deal and she turned it down because of me… Well, that was another thing entirely. I felt like a pile of shit.

  “Do you know where I can find her?” I asked after a moment of Candy blatantly ignoring me.

  She glared at me out the corner of her eye. “Why would I tell you that?”

  “Because I need to go fix this.” I needed to straighten this whole thing out and make good with her.

  Candy called my bluff. “Not good enough.”

  “Please. If you know where…If you know where she is…”

  “If you’re going for closure or to soothe your stupid pride, then you’re going for all the wrong reasons,” she spat. “Lux is a good person, Jude
. She doesn’t deserve to be toyed with. I don’t know everything that happened between you two, but I could tell that she loved you. You don’t play games with things like that. You just don’t.”

  “Tessa and I were fake. In the beginning we were fake,” I said.

  Candy stared at me then, her mouth open. “I knew it.”

  “I never loved her,” I went on. “I got caught up in the lie…then I got too deep to get out.”

  “Too stupid, more like it,” she retorted.

  “Lux…” I said through a sigh. I let her name hang in the air, not knowing how to put words to what she’d left in her wake.

  I let my head fall into my hand, and the only sound that washed over us was from the city rushing past.

  “Say it,” Candy said.

  Raising my head, I found her gaze and held it.

  “Say it,” she said more firmly. “If you can’t say it to me, then you’ll never have any hope of saying it to her, so spit it out.”

  Candy was right. If I was going to find Lux, then it would be a total bust if I couldn’t put my feelings into words. If I couldn’t give her what she needed, then I should just leave her be.

  “I’m in love with her.”

  I let it hang in the air…the words sinking into my soul. Knowing that she wasn’t here, made them burn. I needed her. I needed her so much.

  Where there was desire, there was always a flame, and in the end, someone was bound to get burned. I just didn’t count on it being me who wielded the matches.

  “She’s gone back to Australia,” Candy said after a moment. “Don’t screw this up, Jude Atwood, or I’ll have your balls.”

  Episode Twenty-Nine

  The Pointy End

  Things that had happened since I left Atlanta:

  One. I signed an agent to help field enquiries and publishing hoo-ha that I was still too dumb or too busy to take care of myself.

  Two. I realized just how much I’d missed Melbourne.

  Three. I’d lost all of my social awkwardness and grown a fashionista Spidey-sense in its place.

  Things that hadn’t happened since I left Atlanta:

  One. I hadn’t heard a thing from Jude.

  I wasn’t expecting to, but there was still a microscopic part of me that hoped for a miracle. Real life was never going to be easy. I mean, you can’t control how another person feels and even trying was a disservice to both parties. I was still having trouble letting go, but I always knew it would take a long time for Jude to filter out of my system. That was just the kind of man he was.

  I wasn’t entirely sure when I’d fallen in love with him. It could’ve been the night that I fell asleep with him in his apartment, or the night we spent ice skating in Central Park, or the dance we’d had at the Christmas party… Or it could’ve been the night we spent together in LA. The night that still had me in tears, and the night that still haunted my dreams.

  “Earth to Lux.”

  Melody clicked her fingers in front of my face and I blinked, my brain slingshotting back into the present tense.

  “Sorry,” I muttered, shifting my position on her lounge room floor.

  After leaving Atlanta, I’d gone to LA to get everything organized for my move next month, then I’d come home to Melbourne. It was the beginnings of a very typical up and down winter in these parts, but I was glad to be back in familiar territory. The traffic, the trains, the trams, the coffee and bars, the streets, and the shops were all welcome in my current state of mind…and Melody. Melody was an angel sent from heaven, or someplace like it.

  “You’re off with the fairies,” she complained, sitting opposite with her folio in her lap. “You okay?”

  “Yeah, I’m here. I’m fine.” I held out my hand. “Show us what you’ve got.”

  Flipping open the folio, she began pulling out the drawings I’d commissioned her to do.

  “Holy shit, Mel,” I exclaimed, flipping through the concept art she’d drawn up for the first ever Scarlett Ravenwood graphic novel.

  “I’m taking that to mean they’re good,” she retorted.

  Laying out the sketches on her lounge room floor as they’d appear on the final pages, I shook my head. She was brilliant.

  Now that I had the time and money, I was paying back Melody for her years of friendship and unfaltering encouragement. She had the talent and the chops to get this done and get it done good. There wasn’t anyone else on the planet I’d trust with my heart and soul. More to the point, I knew exactly how hard it was to get noticed, and this was my chance to pay my luck forward.

  “More than good,” I reassured her. “They’re perfect.”

  “Fifty-fifty royalty split,” she declared, and we high fived each other.

  “You’re welcome.”

  “You sure you don’t want to crash here tonight?” Melody asked, scooping up all the drawings and slipping them back into the folio. “I don’t mind.”

  “That’s cool. I want to enjoy the five stars before I move into a cheap-ass apartment in LA. I’ve only ever stayed in a fancy hotel once before, and you know how that turned out,” I said, a spark of pain ricocheting inside my heart. A cold bed and an emptiness that stretched on for eons.

  “Listen to you talking about moving to LA and staying in swanky hotels,” Melody said with a frustrated sigh. “You’re so posh.”

  “I don’t know about that, Mel. I’m still dorky Lux Dawson underneath it all.”

  She raised her eyebrows but didn’t say anything, and I was glad she didn’t bring up Naturals or Jude.

  “Sorry I’ve gotta kick you out so early,” she said instead. “Whoever invented five a.m. and thought it was a good time to get up in the morning should be shot. Seriously.”

  “It’s cool,” I said, scrambling to my feet. “I’ve still got two weeks before I have to fly back to LA.”

  Melody rose to her feet and let out an exasperated sigh. “LA. Bloody hell, you bitch.”

  I laughed. “You can come stay with me, you know.”

  “I know,” she said, hugging me. “And I intend to take you up on that offer. Maybe it’ll be my chance at the big time, too.”

  “Thank you for everything,” I whispered, tightening my grip on her. “You’re the bestest friend I’ve ever had.”

  “Oh, shut the hell up,” she retorted, her voice cracking, and I knew she was trying to hold back tears.

  “You’re my sister from another mister.”

  Pulling away, she wiped a tear away. “Now piss off before you see me cry.”

  “I’m pretty sure the time you broke up with that dickhead bartender at Dark classifies as seeing you cry,” I said with a smile. “I had to come save you from getting arrested for assaulting him, and you were in the alley—”

  “You’re lucky I love you, bitch,” she grumbled.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow,” I called back at her as I let myself out of her little flat.

  “Lucky Coq. Six o’clock.”

  “It’s a hot date.”

  * * *

  The Hotel Windsor was a five star hotel in Melbourne’s CBD and as posh as posh could be.

  As I approached the front, the doorman opened the door, and I smiled at him as I stepped into the lobby. The plush, red carpet and Victorian era architecture was stunning, as was the diamond chandeliers that sat at either end of the large welcoming room.

  The concierge glanced up from his desk as I walked in and said, “Good evening, Miss Dawson.”

  Movement in the corner of my eye drew my attention, and I turned just in time to see Jude stand up awkwardly, his eyes ringed with dark circles.

  My heart instantly felt like it was about to explode, and I stopped dead in my tracks. What was he doing here? How did he even find me? I didn’t even have to ask the question aloud because there was only one answer to that. Candy.

  He looked rumpled like he’d been sitting on that leather bench waiting for me to return for a decade. I didn’t have any words. I was stunned into silence and
immobility.

  I glanced at the concierge, and he murmured, “He’s been here all day, Miss.”

  Standing in the middle of the lobby like a fool, I stared at the plush carpet trying to decide if I actually wanted to hear what Jude had to say for himself. It was obviously spectacular if he’d flown all the way from the US and had sat on that bench for a gazillion hours.

  Finally, I turned toward him, my gaze still on the floor, and nodded.

  Avoiding the elevator, because look how that turned out, I took the stairs, one hundred percent aware that Jude was right on my heels. He followed me down the hall and to my room, never letting me out of his sight. I knew where he was without even looking because I always seemed to know where he was in relation to me, like a planet orbiting a star.

  Tossing the key onto the table inside the door, I moved through my little suite and sat on the end of the bed. Jude hovered in the doorway, looking out of place in his current state, which was distraught. I’d never seen him as anything less than cool as a cucumber, and I wasn’t sure how to take it.

  Finally, he stepped forward and sat next to me, leaving enough space between us so we wouldn’t accidentally touch.

  “I…” he said, but he let whatever he was trying to say fade out, the silence of the room swallowing the word whole. “I don’t know where to begin. How to explain it all to you.”

  I rolled my eyes. “How about the beginning?”

  He sighed, running his hand over his face. He needed to shave. More than usual.

  “That day in the elevator.”

  Of all the places to start, he chose that day?

  “You weren’t impressed by me. You didn’t care who I was. I saw something in you that I still don’t understand. I don’t think I ever will. But I did know that I wanted to understand you.”

  How romantic.

  “I’d seen you as a best friend, Lux. All that time… I don’t know when it changed, but I do know that I realized it was more the night of the awards. That’s why I ditched.”

  I snorted, glancing away so I didn’t have to look at him. He dazzled me like a mirage and hypnotized me like a snake charmer. I couldn’t let him scramble my operating system. I couldn’t let him blind me again.