Being Emily

by Anne Donovan

Amrik and Patric flew off tae London the next day and Jas returned tae Aberdeen. Once they’d gone I felt like someone left behind after a disaster. My life was littered with debris, all of my ain making. First I had tae decide what to dae with the remains of the house installation. My tutor wanted me to keep it and rework it for some future exhibit, but I didnae.

  It’s meant to be of the moment. As soon as you start trying tae keep it and use it for something else you lose its significance.

  I disagree, Fiona, but I’m glad you’re thinking along these lines. Last week you were doubting the worth of your art altogether. He smiled. Which is, of course, one of the marks of a true artist.

  But even though I didnae want to reuse it, I didnae like tae dump it – Declan had worked so hard on it. I packed it all up in a box and left it in storage at the Art School. Mibbe later on he could fix it up for Grace.

  The other debris was emotional. Even though Da had said he wasnae hurt, Mona and Rona treated me with contempt when I went up to the house and Janice hadnae phoned since last Thursday. I’d hoped it was her when I got a text on Monday but it was Shazia to say there was something about me in the local free paper. I heided round tae my da’s, reasoning that the mair I seen Mona and Rona the mair likely it was they’d just forget about the whole thing.

  They were all round the kitchen table, newspaper spread out in fronty them. Da looked up.

  Fiona, you’ve got a whole page in the paper, hen.

  ‘Local Lass Fires Up Art World’ was the heading and my heart sank when I seen the journalist was Mr Devil’s Advocate hissel.

  But instead of an investigative piece on the horrors of modern art, ninety per cent of the page was taken up with a photo of me standing looking awkward in fronty the installation and the tiny paragraph said virtually nothing apart from the fact I was at Art School. It did mention Declan’s role, however, and Mona seemed tae have completely forgotten how mad at me she’d been.

  Ah’m gonnae cut this out and save it for Grace when she’s older. She’ll be that proud her daddy’s in the paper.

  Take a copy for your scrapbook, Fiona. My da lifted a pile of newspapers. Ah took all these fae the close when we seen you were in it.

  Thanks, Da.

  Mona finished cutting round the article and laid it flat on the worksurface. Want a cuppa tea, Fiona?

  Restored to the bosom of my family, I sat in the living room with Mona and Rona wittering on about Mona’s wedding plans. I was barely listening when Rona shook me. Wake up, Fiona.

  Sorry.

  Noo all this art stuff is finished, can you fix a time tae come wi us tae get the dress fitted?

  What dress?

  Are you daft or something? Your bridesmaid’s dress.

  I thought Rona—

  Of course Rona’s a bridesmaid, but I’ve two sisters – you don’t get out of it that easy.

  Thanks.

  Anyway, said Mona, it’s the only way we can make sure you don’t turn up like some auld hippy.

  She kept her face straight for a moment, then she and Rona started to giggle. I shoved Rona and Mona and we collapsed over the end of the settee, all of us laughing thegether.

  I WENT UP tae Aberdeen the next weekend. It was a wonderful day, sun beating doon and a breeze blowing stiff aff the sea.

  Thought you said it was baltic up here.

  Don’t be fooled, it’s only doing this in your honour.

  We wandered alang the seafront, gulls wheeling and skraiking above us in the cauld blue. Then we sat on a patch of grass, looked out to where the bluegreen water became grey, at the endlessness of the ocean.

  Jas, I said. There’s something I want to talk to you about.

  On you go.

  I don’t know if I’m daeing the right thing but – it’s about me and Amrik.

  Fiona, I don’t need you to …

  I need to tell you. I took a deep breath. When Amrik and me were thegether, I had a miscarriage.

  I could sense, rather than feel, the tension stiffening his body.

  It wasnae planned – I never even knew I was pregnant. I thought I was just having a bad period and then the doctor came and I’d to go tae hospital. And that was what it was.

  Silence.

  I looked at him and he looked out tae sea. I sat, giving him time to take it in, waited for him to say something, anything. I was prepared for anger or shock or even for him to just walk away, unable to take it. That was why I’d told him now, this afternoon, while there was still time for me to get a train back hame if everything fell apart.

  You slept with Amrik.

  You knew.

  No, Fiona. Actually, I never.

  But, I thought …

  So did I. He turned to me. And you carried his baby for … how long?

  They said eight weeks.

  Eight.

  He put his heid in his haunds, sat like that for what felt like ages. Then he looked up again, stared intae the distance. A patch of cloud sailed in fast, close tae the horizon, white bits flaking aff it like blossom.

  It must’ve been awful for you, Fiona.

  I nodded.

  He looked round. I know I said we have to look at things as they are. But I think I’m gonnae need some time.

  The weather turned on the way hame in the train. Clear east-coast skies wi birlin white angel clouds giving way tae lurkin grey battleships, and by the time the train reached the outskirts of Glasgow it was dreich and drear. My heid was stuffed up and my stomach, which had been tied in churning knots throughout the journey, dulled tae a solid lumpen pain. I’d went over and over it as the scenery flew by in a blur, wondering what he was gonnae dae. The ball was in Jas’s court. If he couldnae cope with what had happened, that was us, finished.

  And if I’d just kept quiet, as Amrik had said, everything would of been fine.

  But I knew in my heart that it wouldnae. However awful things would be without Jas, the alternative was living with an unspoken lie for the rest of my life. And lies are like weeds; left too long they creep round healthy plants and destroy them.

  It was a week afore I heard fae Jas. A week of trailing my misery round with me through the boring, routine stuff that was my life in the aftermath of the show. Before it there’d been such a build up; every waking minute spent preparing, thinking, working on this artwork, then suddenly it’s done and you realise you’ve nae clean clothes, or food in the fridge, while all the stuff you’ve ignored is sitting waiting for you. In spite of everything, that was what I still admired about Amrik, his ability to just coast through it all. But then, when things got too much hassle for him, he just disappeared.

  I wondered how he and Patric managed thegether – Patric with his neat and perfect life and Amrik, floating about paying nae attention to anything except his music. On the surface they complement each other cause Patric loves taking care of the practicalities. But in some strange deep-seated way, Patric is like Amrik. He doesnae get attached tae things, moves on.

  Like never owning a house, just living in someone else’s. He makes it his ain for a while, then when he’s had enough, he leaves. Sure he could afford to buy something but that would be too permanent. The only things that have any permanence in his life are us, his family.

  When Jas did get in touch it was very low key, not at all how I’d expected. At night in my bed, I’d run through the scenes of what would happen when he finally contacted me. In version one of my fantasy, he wrote a long letter explaining why he could never forgive me, in version two he declared undying love. Instead, there was a text saying he’d be doon the following weekend and could we meet for a coffee.

  Sitting in the front windae of Giardini’s I watched him walk up the road fae the subway. I’d always thought Jas was handsome but no stunning like Amrik; Jas’s attractiveness was that he was always animated, talking intently, waving his haunds about. But observing him when he didnae know I was looking, I realised how he was changing as he grew older. The lines of his face seemed mair defined,
but he still had that softness about him, a gentle presence. He waved when he seen me, smiled. I wanted to hug him but as he came in a woman wi a buggy was leaving and he held the door open for her. Then he sat doon and said, Hi, how are you?

  Fine. How were your exams?

  Okay, I think. Won’t know till July, but.

  Right.

  Pause. Deep breath. Reality time.

  Fiona.

  Our knees were three inches apart but it felt like miles. I was waiting, waiting for him to say I’m sorry but, waiting so hard I was sure he’d said it already and I blurted out, I understand.

  What?

  I know. I spoiled everything.

  A finger touching the back of my haund, so briefly it could of been my imagination.

  Fiona, that’s no it. Look, I want to be completely honest.

  I nodded.

  I know it must of been terrible for you – I cannae begin tae imagine what it was like. I’ve been gaun round and round in circles all week, trying to work it out. And I think I’m getting there. He paused. But it’s hard to come to terms with … that you and Amrik …

  You mean, you cannae forgive me.

  I hate that word – as if I was better than you. If you want forgiven, go tae confession, Fiona. It’s no my place to forgive you.

  I looked at him, thinking, this is it, this is it, this is the last time I will see that dark shiny hair, will hear this voice.

  All I can do is stop blaming you.

  He looked in my eyes.

  I could feel the tears bubble up. Jas put his airms round me, whispered intae my hair. Oh Fiona, I cannae just snap out of it right away. But I want to, I really do.

  I gulped back my tears. I know. I’m sorry.

  He pushed my hair back fae my foreheid. And please, stop saying you’re sorry.

  WHEN I LOOK back on the time between that day and Mona’s wedding, it feels like a wee safe bubble in my life. For once, nothing much was happening, at least nothing I needed tae think about.

  I’d moved back in wi my da – I was gonnae come back after the wedding anyway tae save some money, but the twins suggested I done it earlier.

  It’ll be a laugh, said Rona.

  Probably the last time we’ll be thegether, said Mona.

  You can have your room back, added Rona. Ah’ll go in with Mona and Grace.

  It was mental, us all squashed up thegether, but it felt good.

  Jas was in Glasgow for the holidays, working in the shop. I was back in the supermarket but I didnae need tae dae as many hours as last summer – I’d been awarded a bursary which meant I’d be okay when the new term started. I actually had spare time to help Mona and Rona with the wedding preparations and catch up with Monica and Jemma. Da was happy and everything seemed settled.

  Me and Jas seen each other maist nights, sometimes went for a meal or to see a movie, other times we’d just walk and talk in the park. Or we’d spend time in the calm of his place or the madhouse that was my da’s. It was nice. I know it sounds pathetic but that’s what it was like. Jas was the same as he’d ever been but there was another layer to him, a greater strength and solidity that I was just beginning tae know. And when we kissed and held each other, even though we never went any further than we ever had, it felt deeper, mair passionate. I settled intae the relationship, no thinking about the future.

  Mona looked lovely in her white dress wi puffed sleeves and a skirt like a meringue. Her hair was in an elaborate twist, looped and crossed like a Celtic knot. Me and Rona had identical frocks in turquoise, long skirts that were too narrow to walk in comfortably and a neckline that kept falling aff my shoulder, but Mona was happy and that was what mattered. My hair was pinned intae a net like a mediaeval maiden’s, hair-sprayed so the rogue curls couldnae escape. Declan was wearing a kilt, as was his brother, Aiden, the best man. It was a made-up tartan, purple and turquoise and blue. Modern, said Mona.

  She’d wanted my da tae wear a kilt too but he put his foot doon for once.

  A morning suit is what the father of the bride should be dressed in.

  And he looked surprisingly elegant in it, with a cream tie and shiny black shoes.

  Jas amazed me by turning up in full Highland dress, including a sgian dubh.

  It’s a traditional Sikh tartan, he tellt Mona who believed him for hauf a minute afore she and Jas burst out laughing.

  Father O’Hara done the ceremony, much to Mona’s disgust. She’d taken a shine to the new wee priest who was a big fan of Grace, but he was away.

  I just hope he doesnae start talkin aboot the missions, she said.

  But even Mona was pleased with the service. The altar was decked out wi lilies, the chapel full tae bursting and what wi the cantor’s resounding soprano and Father O’Hara’s sermon about young love and walking haund in haund wi God tae build a family there was barely a dry eye in the place.

  Da had planned tae hold the reception in the parish hall but Patric stepped in and insisted on paying for a fancy do in the hotel where he stayed when he came to Glasgow. Apparently he was well in with the owner due tae some business deal he’d arranged with one of his London friends so he got it for a great price. This helped soothe my da’s pride and Mona was over the moon. The meal was fantastic and the function room elegant and airy but I think the hotel management didnae know what hit them when the evening guests arrived and the dancing started. It was all very sedate at first, with Declan and Mona and my da and Declan’s ma on the flair for the waltz, but later on some of the twins’ dancing pals, all fake tan and floral frocks, done a display. The only person who never danced was Amrik. Patric had suggested he should play the sitar but Amrik refused. Thank God for that, said Mona.

  I was watching my da teach Jas’s ma the finer points of the hokey-cokey when Jas came up behind me.

  East meets West. The city council would love this – some kind of cross-cultural box they could tick there.

  I know.

  Let’s creep off.

  We cannae, it’s rude to leave afore the bride.

  She won’t be leaving. Mona and Declan are staying here the night.

  I still don’t think we should go.

  They’ll be at it for hours yet. Come. I want to show you something.

  I was intrigued, of course, couldnae figure out why Jas would drag me away fae my ain sister’s wedding party.

  There were taxis waiting outside the hotel and Jas led me intae the first one. It’s a surprise, he said and gied the driver a piece of paper. The guy nodded and set aff.

  There was nae surprise as the cab sped alang familiar streets. I thought for a minute Jas was gonnae stop at his ma’s house but we went past it and when the taxi turned the corner near the park I knew.

  Jas, why are we …

  Just wait.

  He led me in the close and up the familiar stair. It was the first time I’d been there since that night I’d run all the way here and found it boarded up. Since then I’d never even had the courage tae walk alang the street, let alone return to the house.

  I knew every tile: the missing one outside the Flanagans’ house, the crack in the border tile on the first landing. Mrs Jackson had painted her door green and the Flanagans had a new doormat wi a picture of a dug on it, but apart fae that everything was the same.

  There was nae sign of smoke damage and the door looked better than when we lived there as it had been revarnished. Jas unlocked the door, let me go in front of him intae the hall. The boards were bare, the walls newly plastered. An unshaded bulb hung fae the ceiling, casting bright light intae every corner.

  Jas?

  He led me through each room, one by one. The flat felt huge without the crush of furniture and people; light flooded fae the uncurtained windaes. When we entered the kitchen I gasped – all the units had been ripped out, the pipes and electric wires were exposed.

  What’s happening? How did you get the keys?

  My uncle knows the builder who’s doing it up. The guy who bought the fla
t after the repossession never lived in it and a few month ago he started to do it up. This is as far as they’ve got.

  I walked across to the windae, looked out to the back court. Feels dead strange. The same house, but so different.

  When I was wee I used tae play with the weans who lived in the flat across the landing. Because it was on the other side of the close all the rooms were the opposite way round and the furniture and carpets were different fae ours – it had always made me feel unsettled.

  Jas, what’s gaun on?

  The flat is for sale.

  Jas held out the key. It lay shiny and bright on his outstretched palm. I closed his fingers over it. Jas don’t make jokes, it’s no funny.

  He turned, paced across to the door and back to me again, kilt swaying fae side to side.

  I’m sorry, Fiona, I’m an eejit, I’m daeing this the wrong way.

  He put his airms round me. The metal buttons on his jacket pressed hard intae me and my hair started tae unfankle fae its net. I love you. He stepped back, took my haunds. It’s like, whatever else has happened, I’ve always felt this way about you. Like that line of Shelley’s – ‘I am not thine, I am a part of thee.’

  Jas, I …

  I want us to get married. Please don’t say anything, I’m no asking for answers – it’s much too soon. I just want you to know. Before I tell you about the house.

  There was naewhere tae sit that wasnae covered wi a thin film of plaster dust so we stood in the living room as he explained.

  My da owned a property that he let out. Ma couldnae be bothered with the hassle – she decided to sell it and split the money between me and Amrik. I hoped we could use it for a deposit on a house eventually, once we’d finished studying.

  Then my uncle heard about a flat that was getting done up, said the owner was going abroad to work, might do a deal. Nae harm in having a look. He dropped off the key this morning just as we were about to leave for the church. It was only then I found out it was your house. All day I’ve been thinking about it, trying to work out what to dae. I couldnae wait, Fiona. I had to bring you here. It’s like it was meant.

  I didnae know what to say, just looked at Jas’s eager face. I felt that my legs would collapse under me if I stood much longer. I couldnae take it in – it was all too fast, too confusing.