I couldn’t blame it. Everything I’d hoped wasn’t true had turned out to be. And everyone’s hands were tied.
Chapter Nine
By the time we got ahold of Sasha, announced our plan to the ecstatic girls, packed our things, and arranged transport, our flight option was to leave JFK at midnight on Monday. We would fly through the night on El-Mudad’s much roomier jet, which could comfortably fly all seven of us, plus Marisol.
“I’m still not understanding where we’re putting everyone,” Neil said when we staggered onto the plane.
“It’s just like when my family got an RV to go to my uncle’s wedding in North Dakota,” I explained again. “You, El-Mudad, me, and Mariposa in the seats, fold down the back couches into a bed, and the girls can all squish on there together.”
“This is going to be uncomfortable,” El-Mudad complained.
But it was the only way I had been able to work out how all of us could get at least some sleep on the flight. Arriving in Belize with a cranky toddler who’d only had five hours was not ideal, but it wasn’t as if I’d had lots of time to plan.
Of course, I wasn’t supposed to have planned anything. But Neil couldn’t have possibly believed I would leave well enough alone.
Between the flight and the car ride, the teenagers were able to recharge fully. It astounded me when I thought of all the times I had run for whole days on four hours of sleep. Just the thought of it exhausted me now.
The way the girls had gelled into one little clique made me bittersweetly envious. Deep in my only-child heart, I longed to have a sisterly bond with Molly like the one Amal and Rashida shared. Realistically, I knew our ages and family dynamic stood in the way. Amal and Rashida had grown up together; Molly and I were just barely not strangers anymore.
When the stretch Lincoln Navigator we’d hired pulled up the pier in front of the Nauti III—a name I slightly regretted when Amal’s face paled in disgust—Molly let out a soft, “Holy…”
“That’s a big boat!” Olivia shouted from the third row of back seats, startling all of us; we’d thought she was asleep.
“That’s not a boat; it’s a freaking cruise ship!” Molly exclaimed. “I can’t believe this. I can’t. This is actually unbelievable.”
“One day, your sister won’t be able to impress you anymore,” Neil said with a smile.
“You doubt my awesome powers?” I nudged him with my elbow.
We stopped and climbed out, and Molly followed along with us to the gangway in a sort of trance. The crew lined up on the deck, out of the way but silently present for anything we might immediately need.
“Do we already have assigned cabins?” Amal asked as we walked up the ramp.
“Yes. Molly, I’m sorry, I’m afraid you’ll have to share,” El-Mudad said, sounding somewhat embarrassed. “There aren’t many guest rooms.”
“They’re big suites, though. I sacrificed quantity for quality.” I felt a bit defensive, having my awesome boat-present found wanting. “I didn’t design the yacht with family vacations in mind at the time.”
Which is why Neil added, “And no one is allowed on the top deck. That is adults-only.”
Amal made a gagging noise. “I won’t ask why.”
“That-a girl,” I said with a decisive nod.
“No running on the deck,” Mariposa called after Olivia, who raced into the open seating area to flop on the sofas.
“No running at all!” Neil added, at the same time I said, “Remember American Tail!”
Molly took Olivia’s hand as the girls wandered inside. Turning to Mariposa, I said, “Thank you for coming with us on such short notice.”
“I’ve done worse things for this job,” she quipped, and I laughed with her until I realized that we were her job. Then, I badly wanted to apologize for everything I’d ever asked her to do.
“We’ll make sure you get plenty of time to enjoy the sun and sea, sans preschooler,” I promised. I gestured to one of the staff members on the deck; their stupid white polos and shorts were going to have to be dealt with before we ever sailed again; they looked like a private school’s golf team. “Can you show Mariposa to her suite?”
“Yes, ma’am,” a slender, tan, blond woman who couldn’t have been older than twenty-five, volunteered cheerfully. The people who staffed superyachts were almost animatronic, but that was what we paid them for. Just once, I wanted to sneak down to their part of the boat and spy on them to see what went down when they weren’t waiting on us. I never would because that would be a massive violation of their privacy off the clock. Still, I imagined it being something like a cross between the third-class party scene in Titanic and the secret sexy dance party at Kellerman’s in Dirty Dancing.
“Let’s go inside, darling,” Neil said, putting an arm around my waist. He reached behind him for El-Mudad’s hand. “Why don’t we go relax by ourselves, let the girls have fun together, Olivia can go for a nap—”
“Nap?” Olivia shouted from inside as we entered the living room.
“You misheard him,” El-Mudad said quickly. “We were talking about the grownups taking a nap.”
“What Afi was going to say was that there is a teensy tiny movie theater on this boat, and you can take your toys in there and watch Frozen on the big, comfy chairs,” I lied. The overstuffed recliners in the media room were a nap sentence for any who dared to sit in them.
“Good idea. I need to put my feet up.” She tossed her hair. “Someone lead the way.”
“We’ll find it,” Mariposa said, shaking her head and smiling fondly.
“The rest of you,” El-Mudad began, pointing at the girls. “Stay on the boat. I don’t want to find out we’ve left you behind on the dock.”
“Can we swim?” Molly asked, clapping her hands.
“In which pool?” Neil asked.
Molly squealed with joy. “Okay, guys, come on, we have to go swimming.”
We left the girls to explore and set off for the forbidden sanctuary of our private deck. I couldn’t wait to get out to sea and lay naked in the sun all day, watching stupid YouTube videos on my phone without getting strange tan lines because I was too afraid of skin cancer to truly sunbathe and therefore would be wearing the most potent SPF commercially available.
“Can we take this to Venice someday?” I asked as I reached the top of the stairs. I drifted to the seating area, already unbuttoning my sleeveless Simkhai blouse.
“Sophie, what if a member of the staff is in our bedroom with the luggage right now?” Neil asked.
“Good point,” I said, my hands pausing. “Anybody in there?”
El-Mudad went to one of the sets of doors that led into the master bedroom and looked inside. “No one. You’re safe to disrobe, Sophie.”
“I’m not just going to disrobe.” I motioned to the hot tub currently enclosed within the glass walls that retracted to open up to the deck. “I’m getting in there and getting rid of these awful foot cramps.”
“No one told you to wear those shoes, darling,” Neil said, adding, “Although, I appreciate that you did.”
He strolled into the bedroom while El-Mudad opened the glass wall to the deck. I covered myself quickly. The windows were all tinted for privacy, but obviously, it wouldn’t work if they were open.
“Oh, Sophie, please,” El-Mudad said with a roll of his eyes. “You’ll be sunbathing topless tomorrow.”
“On the open sea,” I argued. “But also, I’ve usually done some highlighting and contouring on my problem areas.”
“You don’t have problem areas. Other than your self-esteem,” he called after me as I retreated to the privacy of the bedroom.
I skidded to a halt when I saw when Neil was up to. The sex toy cabinet doors were wide open, displaying the custom collection I’d had made to match the room’s cool neutral decor. I’d gone all out, fully extra, and definitely overboard on this ship. The toys Neil had arranged on the bed blended in with the duvet cover. Hmm...will that make them difficult to f
ind in the heat of the moment?
I should have thought of that before.
“So…” I began, strolling over to view the toys he’d selected. “Do you have big plans or…”
“Taking inventory. No definitive plans. We’re on vacation, aren’t we?” He asked with a mischievous smile. “How soundproof, would you estimate, is this cabin?”
He tossed the suction-action vibe on the bed, and I clenched up.
“Judging from your expression, we’ll need this.” He pulled out the beige ball gag and dropped it beside the flogger.
Faster than I could react, his hand shot out and closed firmly over my throat. Not a painful gesture, but a warning of how easily my Sir could control me. He leaned down and kissed me hard, his thumb and forefinger exerting precise pressure over my pulse points until I was lightheaded both from his grip and his tongue ravaging my mouth.
He released me without notice, and I stumbled.
"Oh, so it's going to be like that tonight?" I giggled.
"I think we all need to let off some steam," he confirmed. "And what is a vacation for, if not to relax?"
"I would feel weird doing this on a family vacation if we weren't in a floating palace." A gentle shudder went through the floor. "With lots of ambient white noise."
El-Mudad appeared at the door. "We're underway!"
"Oh my gosh, this is Molly's first time on a yacht!" I gasped. “I forgot the sailing away part!”
Neil moved as quickly as I did. "Olivia's, as well! She's likely saying something adorable, and we're missing it."
El-Mudad laughed as I frantically searched for my clothes and dressed while hopping on alternating feet. Neil hurried down the stairs ahead of me, while El-Mudad followed behind at a more reasonable pace.
We found the girls on the pool deck, clustered in front. Molly and Olivia waved like mad, while Amal and Rashida watched them with worldly amusement.
"Bon voyage!" Molly shouted to the bronzed socialites lounging on a ship we passed as we glided slowly away from the pier.
"Bon voyage?" Amal asked with a wry twist of her lips. "We're the ones moving."
Molly playfully stuck her tongue out at her. "Shut up; I’ve always wanted to do this."
I held my breath, waiting for cosmopolitan Amal to roll her eyes. To my surprise, she joined in, smiling and waving, as well.
"Look, Afi! We're going too fast!" Olivia didn't seem panicked by our apparent boat-speeding. She would love it when we made it out onto open water.
Neil took a knee beside her and put one arm around her back to give her reassurance she didn't seem to need. "We'll be fine, my sweet girl. The captain knows just what he's doing."
Molly bopped over to me, her eyes practically sparkling. "Thank you so much for bringing me. This is amazing. You're amazing."
"This is less to do with 'amazing' and more to do with 'rich.' But thank you for not pointing out the wastefulness of owning this boat and burning up fossil fuels," I joked.
She paused thoughtfully. "You know, I kind of see how that happens, though. I was thinking about that time we went to the mall, and I went bonkers having no budget. And I decided...capitalism is fucking hard, dude."
"Are you sure you're going to go into performance art and not radical left-wing organizing?" I arched a brow.
She gave me an almost mirror-image of my expression back. "Don't give me too much credit."
"Dad, look! Dolphins!" Rashida called excitedly. Amal and Molly ran to join her and her father.
"I see them," El-Mudad said, peering over the railing.
But Rashida turned back to Neil and said, exasperated, "Dad! You're missing it!"
The bottom fell out of my stomach, which was convenient because it made plenty of room for my swelling heart. Neil's expression froze, lips slightly parted as though he'd had the wind knocked out of him. Tears rose in his eyes, and he blinked them back.
I took his hand and squeezed it.
He cleared his throat, but his voice still sounded strained with emotion as he said, "Yes, yes, all right. Olivia, let's go see the dolphins."
I stood back from them; I'd seen the dolphins racing the ships out of the marina before. I'd just witnessed something far more breathtaking. Rashida beamed as she looked up at Neil and pointed out to the sea. "I've seen them before, but I like them every time."
I exchanged a glance with El-Mudad. Whatever worries we might have had about making our family "official" seemed a lot smaller now.
It took about an hour for Molly to start vomiting profusely.
"Just seasickness," the medic on the crew said as I sat beside Molly on her bed in her cabin and rubbed her back. My sympathetic puke instinct had dulled considerably during Neil's chemotherapy, but that was years ago, and I was out of practice. Now, it came back with an unholy vengeance I had to battle while Molly dry-heaved into a bucket.
"My abs hurt so bad," she panted, the sound echoing in the brushed-steel wastebasket.
"Is there anything you can give her?" I implored.
“Yes. It'll make her drowsy tonight, though. And it's an injection. Is that okay with you, Molly?" he asked.
"If it will keep me from barfing up my stomach lining, I don't care if it's a suppository." She lifted her head. "But I'm on some other medications. Can you check first?"
"Sure thing. Do you have them?"
I was already pawing through the black bag she carried her prescriptions in. "Here."
"Okay. I'll make a call. Be right back." He left with a reassuring pat on Molly's shoulder just as she retched again.
"I can't believe you have a doctor on your ship," Molly gasped.
"I can't believe it, either." I probably should have been smart enough to think of that detail myself. "I'm pretty sure he comes with the contracted staff."
"Can I be honest with you about something?" She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand.
I forced myself not to recoil from the sight. "Of course, you can. You can always be honest with me."
"I'm not making fun of you for being rich because I think you're doing something wrong. I know you and Neil and El-Mudad are good people. It's just that I'm struggling with the fact that if you hadn't stepped in when you did...maybe I would have died." She raked her sweat-damp hair back with trembling hands. "I feel guilty because other people in my position do die. Every day. Why did I live?"
"You've got survivor's guilt." How could I have been so short-sighted? "I can't believe I didn't think about that possibility. I guess I assumed you'd just be so happy to get a kidney that nothing else would bother you."
"I am grateful to be alive, don't get me wrong," she said quickly. "I just..."
She paused to dry-heave again. I waited patiently for her to continue.
"I just wish I knew why I deserved it," she managed, once her stomach's temper tantrum had passed.
"That is a question I think everybody asks, at least once in their lives." I know I had. When Neil had been in intensive care, I'd seen families pray for miracles that never arrived. I saw people leave that floor devastated at the loss of their loved ones. Every time Neil had pulled through some new challenge or passed a milestone getting better, it had been bittersweet. I'd run through everything I'd ever done wrong, tormenting myself over and over as I struggled to figure out why I deserved to avoid that heartache after all the selfish things I'd done in my life. I would never have framed things as selfish or sinful if I hadn't been locked in a state of constantly beating myself up.
But all that was a little too heavy to get into with my teen sister while she ruined our trash can.
"Maybe I should be puking over the railing," she said with a little chuckle. "Feed the fish. It's the circle of life."
I chuckled at the joke because I was supposed to, but I didn't encourage her to run away from our conversation. "You know, sometimes after being in the hospital and facing a severe illness, people need some help getting their mindset back on track. Have you been to a therapist or anything?"
"I talked a little to a counselor at the hospital while I was still there. But come on. You know there isn't exactly a psychiatrist on every corner back home." She leaned cautiously over the trashcan again, then sat back up when it was a false alarm. "I'd have to go to Green Bay every week to see the guy that specializes in teens and disease."
"We can get you set up with someone if you want." Another thought occurred to me, one that might have been way too personal to ask, but I did. "Who was your donor? Do you know?"
"We didn't get a name or anything. It came from a deceased donor." That seemed to trouble her. "I had to wait for someone to die so I could live. It's not just that you helped us pay for it or that I got to live. I just feel like I have a debt to repay for my good fortune. If that makes sense."
"If there is one person on this boat who that would make sense to, believe me, it's me." But I hadn't had to deal with it when I was a kid in high school.
"You know this isn't a boat, right? It's a ship."
"Who are you, the grammar police? Besides, it's the same thing," I argued.
She shook her head, then immediately appeared to regret it. Leaning over the bin again, she began, "A boat can fit on a ship, but a ship can’t fit on a boat. You have a boat in the basement of this one." She punctuated her sentence with another violent heave.
After the doctor returned with the all-clear and a shot to help Molly ride things out, I got her settled in with a cold compress, and the lights turned down low.
"Do you want me to wake you for dinner?" I asked before I left.
She glared at me murderously. "What do you think?"
"Touché." I wouldn't have wanted to hear about food, either.
When I joined Neil and El-Mudad in the great room, Neil stood up. "Is everything all right? Should I call for a helicopter?"
"Everything is fine. She's just seasick. If she gets a fever or something, we'll worry." Lies. I was going to worry, anyway. She was on anti-rejection drugs that could lead to devastating infections. "She called Sasha and let her talk to the doctor, and Sasha agrees with him. Where are the girls?"
Sophie (The Boss Book 8) Page 16
