by Aimee Bender
She felt beautiful. Her heart was on fire. This was what she had been waiting for. No more peeling skin, no more strange lumps and thick doughy legs. She was finally a butterfly.
THIRTEEN
Freddy Centipede was throwing a party that night and everyone at school was invited. He was one of the richest and most popular boys at school. His parents had a giant mansion on the side of a cliff overlooking the valley. Cat normally didn’t like Freddie’s parties but Lilith had been trying to convince her to go for weeks. When she imagined the look on Lilith’s face watching her arrive for the first time in butterfly form, Cat decided to go.
She spent all day getting ready, doing her hair in different styles, deciding what to wear. After discarding about two dozen outfits she decided to go with a black minidress that Lilith had picked out for her that she had never worn because she thought it was too revealing. Her new wings protruded from the back of the strapless dress like blue dragon flowers. She added red plaid thigh-high stockings with vintage button garters. Then strapped herself into 32-buckle platform boots that came up to her knees. She affixed a pair of vintage goggles to her head in front of her antennas to complete the look.
Everyone was at the party. All the popular kids, unpopular kids, geeks, freaks and jocks. People kept staring at Cat. She could tell they were shocked by her appearance. It always fascinated people to discover what type of butterflies the caterpillars became.
This time, Cat didn’t mind that they were looking at her. She had always been the weird outcast geek that no one really paid any attention to. Now, everyone gawked at her like she was some kind of celebrity. She felt ready to show everyone, especially Lilith, what she always knew she was like on the inside. But where was Lilith?
Cat searched for the spider girl but it didn’t seem like she was at the party yet. So she wandered around enjoying the way her body moved. She felt taller, more graceful. She heard people whispering her name under their breath, but could tell by their smiles that they were only admiring her.
A swimming pool took up a big portion of the backyard with a fire pit on one end of it. Large flower-shaped sculptures lined the patio that looked out onto the lights of the city below.
Cat imagined what it would be like to fly over the city with her new pair of wings. But the most she was able to do was hover.
She found some of her friends in the kitchen drinking cans of PBR and passing a bong.
“Oh my god,” Paulette squealed when she saw Cat. “You’ve turned! Let me see, let me see.” Paulette jumped in circles around Cat. She tugged on the end of one of Cat’s wings pulling it out from her body so she could inspect the pattern.
Cat stretched her wings out so that Paulette could get a better look at her. A crowd circled around Cat.
“You look absolutely beautiful,” Paulette said. The moth girl reached out a finger and touched the yellow skull-freckles on Cat’s shoulder. Her touch made the skin on her wings vibrate and ripple. “And I love your outfit.”
“You look hot,” said Larry, exhaling a cloud of smoke under his heavily lidded dome-shaped slug eyes.
“Thanks you guys,” said Cat, feeling really good about herself for the first time in a long time.
One of the popular jock beetles from her algebra class waved from across the room. And the butterfly boy from A.P. English said, “Hey Cat,” even though he hadn’t spoken to her all year outside of the one time he asked to borrow her flash drive. Cat wondered if Lilith thought he was attractive.
Then she saw Lilith walk through the front door. Cat almost didn’t recognize her. Lilith’s hair was pulled back into an elaborate up-do like a samurai warrior princess. Her face was painted white with black symbols drawn on her eyelids.
A purple-winged butterfly boy ran over to Lilith and circled his arm around her corseted waist. The corset had a red hourglass emblem painted on the front of it like the abdomen of a black widow.
Cat couldn’t wait to see Lilith’s reaction to her butterfly wings. She waited for Lilith to look across the room and notice her, but instead, Lilith followed the butterfly boy in the other direction.
Cat went after them but was blocked by the crowd and lost sight of where they went. Freddy’s mansion was huge.
“Have you seen Lilith?” Cat asked everyone she passed. They were all either too drunk to understand her or would say, “Yes, she was just here,” and then look around blankly.
She searched behind closed doors and behind one of them she accidentally found two cicada boys having sex. The high-pitched sound of their voices was deafening and it looked like one of them was shedding his skin. Cat closed the door quickly and decided to only check the common areas.
Finally, she gave up and returned to the kitchen, where Paulette and Larry were still passing a bong, and Lilith walked in behind her.
“I’ve been looking all over for you!” Cat said to Lilith.
“I didn’t know you were coming,” Lilith said.
Cat stood in front of Lilith, expecting her to make some type of comment about her butterfly wings but she didn’t. Instead she just went on like normal, talking about some guy.
After pretending to listen for a few minutes, Cat said, “Great outfit.”
“Yours too,” Lilith replied.
“I like your shoes,” Cat said, looking down at Lilith’s Fluevog heels.
“Thanks,” said Lilith.
Cat waited for something more. But instead of commenting on her metamorphosis, Lilith said, “Where’s the booze?” and bent down to open an ice chest by the refrigerator.
Lilith grabbed a can of PBR and walked outside. Cat followed her. The swimming pool had a glass edge alongside the cliff and looked like it was a part of the horizon. Some mosquito boys were skimming the surface of the water with hockey sticks, whacking a beach ball. Two spotlights at the bottom of the pool illuminated the water, making the mosquitos’ wings shimmer.
Ladybug girls in bikinis lay out on the lounge chairs even though it was nighttime. A group of boys stood off to the side, watching the girls. The ladybugs pretended to ignore the boys.
Marsha’s hair spiraled up in a beehive do that looked like something out of a 1950’s Hollywood film. She wore oversized white sunglasses and a bikini that highlighted her petite ladybug curves.
As Cat walked by, the ogling boys turned their eyes on her. It felt weird to have people noticing her. Lilith was usually the one everyone was looking at.
Lilith seemed preoccupied with other things. She scanned the patio, watching the partiers. Cat started to wonder what might be wrong with her. She thought Lilith would have said more about her wings. Maybe Lilith didn’t like the way that she turned out.
“I was thinking about getting my wings pierced,” Cat said, trying to draw Lilith’s attention to them.
“I’ve always thought about getting something pierced,” said Lilith wistfully.
“What would you get?”
“I don’t know, I was thinking maybe my lip or my eyebrows. But it might be fun to get my nipples pierced.”
Cat pictured in her mind what Lilith’s nipples would look like pierced. It turned her on.
“Yeah, that would be hot,” she said, biting her lower lip.
Lilith smiled and put her hands on her hips.
Cat studied her mouth and her eyebrows. She imagined sucking on Lilith’s pierced lips and pulling on her eyebrows. She felt herself start to blush.
“Who was that guy you were with earlier?” Cat asked.
“Oh, Tyler?”
“That was Tyler?” Cat asked. “Caterpillar Tyler?”
“He just turned. Doesn’t he look incredible? His wings are like rose petals.”
Cat’s stomach sank. Lilith must only be attracted to butterfly boys. She’d not even mentioned Cat’s wings. Cat stretched out her wings and leaned forward pretending to adjust the buckle on her boot, hoping to capture Lilith’s attention.
Lilith crushed her beer can and said, “I’m gonna get another drink
, do you want one?”
Cat looked up at her.
“No,” she said, coldly.
Lilith shrugged and walked back toward the kitchen. Cat watched her through the window. She laughed and drank and flirted with the butterfly boys. One of them came over to her and she grabbed the loose flesh on his elbow, yanking him toward her and pressing her mouth to his throat. Cat couldn’t watch anymore. She wanted nothing more than to be with Lilith. She had waited all of this time in the hope that once she became a butterfly Lilith would want her, but now she could see she was wrong.
FOURTEEN
When Lilith came back out she found Cat on a bench by the swimming pool, away from the rest of the party. Cat had tears in her eyes. She wiped them away as Lilith approached.
“What’s going on with you tonight?” Lilith asked. “Why have you been avoiding me?”
“Me avoiding you?” Cat said. “You are the one that’s been avoiding me.”
Cat tried to act normal like nothing was bothering her, but her eyes welled up again when she looked at Lilith.
“Shh, it’s okay.” Lilith came over to her and put her arm around Cat’s shoulders. “Tell me what’s wrong.”
Lilith’s embrace was painful for Cat. The feeling of the spider girl’s arm around her made Cat imagine what she could never have.
“I can’t,” said Cat.
“Does it have to do with your transformation?” Lilith asked.
Cat looked at her. It was the first time that Lilith had even acknowledged her transformation.
“It has everything to do with that,” Cat whispered.
“What do you mean?”
“I thought you would notice me,” Cat said. “I thought once I became a butterfly you would think I was beautiful.”
Lilith looked deeply into her eyes. “I have always thought you were beautiful, Cat. Once you changed, I just saw more of who I already knew you were.”
Cat started to tear up again, but this time it was from happiness.
“Remember the corset that I lent you?” Lilith asked.
“Yes,” Cat said sheepishly.
“After I found out that you were wearing it under your clothes, I kept imagining you that way. I liked that you enjoyed wearing it. I thought it was totally sexy.”
“Oh my god, I was so embarrassed about that!” Cat said.
“And you look great tonight,” Lilith said. “I’m so happy to see you finally feeling good about yourself. Why do you care what I think anyway? You know you look hot. I’ve seen the way people are looking at you.”
Cat felt different knowing that Lilith thought she was hot.
“I thought that things would be different.” Cat paused and looked down at her hands. She lowered her voice and in barely a whisper she said, “I thought things would be different between us.”
Lilith didn’t respond. Cat started to sweat. She knew that if she didn’t tell Lilith how she felt about her she would burst.
“It’s hard for me to talk about it because we are such good friends,” Cat said. “And the last thing that I would want to do is mess up our friendship. In fact, I have been terrified to tell you this because I am afraid of what you will think of me. I don’t want to lose you as a friend.”
Cat didn’t want to look at Lilith’s face. She was afraid of seeing her expression. She was afraid of being rejected.
“Lilith, I’m in love with you.”
Lilith was silent for what seemed like a long time. Cat felt all the air go out of her chest. Then Lilith touched Cat’s chin with her palm and turned her face toward her, forcing Cat to look her in the eyes.
“I love you, too,” Lilith said in a sweet voice like the one she would use to speak to a child or a puppy-fly.
Cat felt her heart sink. She had to make it clear to Lilith what she meant.
“I don’t just mean that I love you, I mean that I am attracted to you.”
Lilith’s expression didn’t change.
“Please don’t hate me,” Cat said.
“I don’t hate you.” Lilith took her arm off of Cat’s shoulder and took her by the hands. “I’m attracted to you, too.”
“Wait, what?” Cat said. “Are you just saying that?”
Lilith smiled. “I’ve always been into you. Even before we met, I used to check you out every time that we ran into each other at lunch.”
Cat couldn’t believe what she was hearing.
“You used to check me out?” Cat said, arching her eyebrows in surprise.
Lilith laughed. “Yeah, is that so hard to believe?”
“But I thought you were just interested in boys.”
“I am interested in boys. But with them, it’s just sex. With you it’s different. It goes deeper than that. You are my best friend. And you are the cutest chick I know. Just look at you.” Lilith stroked her finger along Cat’s wing.
Cat shivered.
“I love these skull-freckles,” said Lilith.
“Why didn’t you ever let on that you were interested in me?” Cat asked.
“You know why ... It’s awkward. I thought that you would be afraid that I would eat you.”
Lilith’s eyes consumed Cat. She was sucked into them like two vortexes and for the first time she saw what she’d been longing to see. Lilith was telling her the truth. She was attracted to Cat. Her stomach knotted up. Her breath caught in her throat.
Lilith leaned in toward Cat and put her hand on her cheek. She brushed a lock of hair out of her eyes and pulled Cat’s face toward hers.
The kiss was a magical crazy starlight popcorn-filled explosion. Cat’s tongue was sucked into the spider girl’s mouth, sharp fangs caressed its curve. Every muscle in her body relaxed. She felt like she was floating. She couldn’t believe it had finally happened. She closed her eyes.
A cricket boy stumbled into them, splashing beer on the toes of Lilith’s shoes.
“Hey, watch it,” Lilith said to him.
“Whoa, were you two just making out?” the boy said, stumbling sideways.
“It’s none of your business,” Lilith said, turning her body to face him.
“Hey, it’s cool. I’m totally into it. If you want, I’d be happy to join in.”
“Fuck off, asshole,” said Lilith
“Lesbian bitch,” the cricket boy said, and stumbled drunkenly around the pool.
“Can we go someplace more private?” Cat said, suddenly aware of where she was and who might be watching.
“Jerk,” Lilith said, turning back to Cat.
“I noticed the back gate was unlocked,” Cat said, pointing behind them to fence at the end of the patio covered in darkness.
FIFTEEN
The two girls sneaked into the desert behind the fence at the cliff’s edge, holding hands and helping each other over the rocks. They brought a blanket and two bottles of strawberry wine cooler. Laughter, music, and all the sounds of the party still raged in the background.
Lilith spread the blanket on a soft sandy spot between two mesquite trees. She and Cat took off their shoes and stretched out on their stomachs. A tingle of expectation buzzed between them. Cat knew where she wanted things to go, but she didn’t know if it would actually happen.
Cat fluttered her wings and rose a few feet into the air. Lilith flipped over onto her back and looked up at Cat. The butterfly girl dangled her plaid toes above Lilith and they both started to laugh. Lilith hugged Cat around the legs and pulled her down to the ground again.
“Don’t fly away from me,” said Lilith.
Cat melted into Lilith’s arms. The spider girl held her close and kissed her neck. Snuggling her head against Cat’s chest, she closed her eyes.
Cat kissed the black symbols drawn on Lilith’s eyelids, marking them with lipstick rings like a bull’s-eye. She caressed Lilith’s muscular arms, feeling shy about touching her body anywhere else.
Lilith stroked Cat’s green hair, winding her fingers through it, tugging slightly. She licked the skulls on Cat’s should
er and ran her sharp teeth along the edge of her ear.
“You taste like Halloween candy,” she whispered, her hot breath raising the hair on Cat’s arms.
Cat flickered with anticipation. She felt wetness spread between her thighs. Without speaking, Lilith slowly unzipped her corset in front of Cat. The spider girl’s dark nipples hardened in the cool night air. They looked like they were stained with blood. She removed Cat’s dress, unbuttoned her garters and peeled her stockings off one at a time, kissing Cat’s legs, and tickling the back of her knees. After shedding the rest of their clothes, they lay naked together under the stars.
Lilith took Cat’s hand and brought it to her breast, tracing her nipples with Cat’s fingers. Cat climbed on top of the spider girl, straddling her, and pressed down on her shoulders with the palms of her hands. She spread her wings, creating a canopy above them. Lilith stared up with eyes like burning stars. Even though Cat had Lilith pinned to the blanket, the butterfly girl felt that the spider could eat her at any moment.
She waited for Lilith to respond, to throw her off or pull her close but the spider girl just lay there staring up at her.
“What’s wrong?” Cat asked, feeling self-conscious.
“Nothing,” said Lilith, nuzzling her head against Cat’s arm.
“Why aren’t you getting into it?” Cat asked.
“I am into it,” Lilith said, stroking her forehead.
“But not like with the boys.”
“Boys are different.” Lilith smiled and took a sip of her wine cooler. “What do you want me to do?”
“I want you to want me.”
“I do want you,” said Lilith. “I want you so much. But I have to hold myself back. I don’t want to get carried away and go too far.”
“I’m not worried about that,” Cat said. “I want you to make love to me with all of your passion.”
Lilith gazed deep into Cat’s eyes and stroked her hair. The butterfly girl’s eyes were pleading.
Lilith reached up and kissed her deeply. Her mouth tasted like strawberries and alcohol. In the middle of the kiss, she grabbed Cat’s hair and flipped over on top of her. She paused and took another sip of her wine cooler. She didn’t swallow it. She brought her lips to Cat’s and let the liquid slide from her tongue down the butterfly girl’s throat.
