Broken Dove

by Kristen Ashley

  It was just that it had been so long since I’d had friends, or anyone to open up to, I’d forgotten how.

  And, in thinking about it (which I tried not to do, and failed), it occurred to me I really never had good friends I could open up to. When I was a kid, I didn’t want to bring friends to my house because I didn’t even like being in my house, I didn’t want to make friends come there. This meant invitations to their houses dried up and I was often left out.

  Thinking on this, I realized as I grew older, my solitude kind of became habit. I had friends, just never really close ones.

  Even though I hadn’t opened up to the girls, it wasn’t lost on them things weren’t great. This was because I was moping and also because Apollo hadn’t showed in four days.

  “Hey,” I called to Cristiana.

  She smiled a small smile, her eyes on me assessing in a kindly way, and she moved into the room.

  “Can I get you anything?” she asked. “Tea, perhaps?”

  “I’m good, honey, thanks,” I murmured.

  She sat on the couch with me and looked out the window.

  I looked back out it too.

  “Ulfr doesn’t come.”

  When she spoke, I looked back to her.

  “Sorry?”

  She gave me her eyes, no less assessing, no less kind, but now astute. “Four nights he has not been here.”

  “No,” I agreed.

  “Will we see him tonight?”

  I looked back to the falling snow and whispered, “I doubt it.”

  There was a long moment of silence before Cristiana broke it.

  “May I ask, Miss Maddie, why you delay so long in healing this breach?”

  I turned surprised eyes to her. “Sorry?”

  “It’s yours to heal and you delay. This isn’t right.”

  “I…” I began and trailed off.

  What was she talking about? How was it my breach to heal?

  Had Apollo said something to her?

  “Um…Cristiana, no offense,” I pulled it together to say, “but you don’t know what happened. I’m not sure it’s my breach to heal.”

  “We women,” she started, “it rarely is but it always is. Learn from me. I have thirty-five years with my husband. He is proud. He is stubborn. Therefore, when we have words and distance forms, it’s up to me to close it.”

  There it was. One thing that was the same in both worlds.

  “That isn’t right,” I told her the truth.

  “It isn’t but there are a lot of things that aren’t right or fair in this world and this also pertains to relations between men and women.”

  She wasn’t wrong about that.

  “This, I know,” she began and I braced because her voice had gentled and she’d leaned into me when she spoke. I took these as warning signs and I was glad I did when she continued. “I have worked at Karsvall for twenty-three years. And thus, I was there when Ulfr brought home his bride.”

  I pulled in a sharp breath.

  She kept going.

  “Honestly, I knew no husband and wife who settled into marriage, and then parenthood, with the ease in which those two did. They had a steadiness that would have seemed unnatural if it wasn’t so beautiful.”

  This, I did not need to hear.

  Since I knew she was trying to be nice, I didn’t tell her that and she kept talking.

  “When she grew ill, he went to her several times a day, every day, and from their bedchamber, you would hear laughter. You would think nothing was amiss from the noises coming from that room. But when he left and the door closed behind him, the cloud would descend. She was in her bed, she never felt it, but it followed him with every step he took. He is a good man, neither servant nor soldier bore the brunt of that illness eating away the woman he loved. But as it ate her away, it ate him too. And when she was lost, that cloud descended and stuck, immovable, shadowing him everywhere he went, except when he was with his children.”

  I pressed my lips together as I felt my eyes sting with tears.

  That was so Apollo, to go to Ilsa when she was sick. Visit with her. Make her laugh.

  But every time he did it, it had to kill him more and more.

  I hated this for Apollo. Hated it.

  “Then came you,” she stated.

  At that, my lips parted.

  She kept going. “At first, when I laid eyes on you, your resemblance…extraordinary. I feared I understood his attraction to you and it was not healthy.”

  I held her eyes.

  She went on.

  “But what I saw was not him attempting to recreate what he had with Lady Ilsa. It was him building something new with you. Although she could make him laugh, the air did not ring with the richness of it near as often as it does with you. Although she was his wife and the mother of his children and he is a certain type of man, the type who would lay down his life to protect theirs, he did not look on her as if he needed to spring to her side at any given moment to shelter her from a storm.”

  Oh God.

  Apollo looked at me like that?

  My heart clutched.

  She kept talking but did it softly.

  “What you have is new. So you may not know him well enough to understand that even if it is he who should ride to you to heal what has broken between you, his pride will not allow it. It may be that whatever happened between you is keeping him awake at night. He still won’t do it. He is a man, but he is also an Ulfr. They have many qualities that are very good and these qualities make them the best House in Lunwyn. But with any good comes bad. I mentioned he is proud. But he’s also stubborn. And last, he is a man used to getting his own way. And these three together will make things difficult at times for the people around him, most specifically the woman who warms his bed.”

  “I get you, Cristiana, boy do I get you,” I told her. “But when he has something to say, he doesn’t let me get a word in edgewise.”

  “Then, dearie,”—she leaned deeper into me, grabbed my hand and held it tight—“you must find a way to communicate, to make him listen, and that way may not be through words.”

  She was making all sorts of sense and it was an understatement to say that I liked—no, I had to admit I loved some of what she was saying.

  But I didn’t get that.

  So I shared, “I’m sorry, Cristiana, I don’t understand what you’re saying.”

  “Pay attention, Miss Maddie,” she whispered, “for, if a woman is clever, and she pays heed, every man will give her clues as to how to make her will be known and even how to make her will be done and have he be the one who’s doing it.”

  Holy crap.

  “Are you talking about using sex?” I breathed.

  She sat back and let my hand go so she could throw out hers. “If that works on a particular man, absolutely.”

  I pulled in a breath.

  She had been doing great but I didn’t think that was good advice. Not with Apollo.

  “However, Ulfr is not a man like that,” she continued, and I let out my breath. “If you did not please him in the bedroom, he would not return to it night after night. That’s certain. But he is not a man to be ruled by his body.”

  Okay, she was getting back on track.

  “No, you, for him, it’s something different,” she declared.

  “So,” I started hesitantly, “you’re saying I should play mind games.”

  “No,” she replied. “I’m saying you should find your way to get his attention. This may be honesty. It may be emotion, as long as that, too, is honest. Ulfr is also not a man who would countenance games, as you call them. Manipulation is not the key to a man like Ulfr.”

  Definitely getting back on track.

  And I knew it because Apollo had often made it clear he wanted more from me and the more he wanted was me to share myself with him in more than time and sex.

  So I whispered, “Right.”

  She nodded but carried on.

  “He is also not a man
who wastes time. He knows better than most how precious it is. And if given time because one is wasting it, he could make a decision that would be sad…” she paused, staring me direct in the eyes, “for him, for you and for his children.”

  “Giving up on me,” I guessed, my voice quiet, my heart beating hard.

  Then she got so on track, she was a freaking monorail.

  “It’s crucial, not only building something with someone, but maintaining it, to show you care about the things they care about,” she told me. “It is also crucial for you to demonstrate that you will handle their needs with care, just as they do the same for you. Apollo Ulfr would strike no one as a needy man. That does not mean he’s not a man who has needs.”

  She was right. Because he was so strong, so imposing, it didn’t hit me.

  Apollo had needs.

  He needed to protect his children and me against whatever was happening out there. And he was driven to do more, and that would be make us all happy, give us a good life, even when times were uncertain. And he needed to do what he had to do to keep his people—the people of his House, his soldiers, hell, all of the people of Lunwyn and the entirety of two freaking continents—safe.

  And he didn’t need to be fucking around with my issues because his were a whole lot more important than me figuring out I didn’t want a career in prostitution and couldn’t start a pizza delivery service.

  In other words, I’d fucked up.

  Shit, I’d fucked up!

  And I had to sort it out.

  Immediately.

  So I stood and announced, “I have to go to the main house.”

  Smiling, Cristiana stood with me. “You do, indeed.”

  I sucked in a huge breath and gave her a shaky smile.

  When I did that but didn’t move, she noted, “You’re not making haste to Karsvall.”

  “Right,” I said and jumped to it, moving swiftly to the door. But I stopped in it and turned. “Thanks, honey,” I whispered.

  “Go, Miss Maddie,” she replied.

  I nodded and ran to the hooks by the front door. I grabbed one of my cloaks and threw it on. I opened the trunk under it and nabbed some gloves and pulled those on too.

  Then I was out the door.

  I had no horse of my own in the stables so I had no choice but to walk to the main house. I did this as swiftly as I could, following the snowed over (as there hadn’t been any of late) trail Apollo and the men’s horses had made.

  It still was a fifteen minute walk and even with my fur-lined cloak and gloves, I was frozen through by the time I hit the front door of Karsvall.

  I stood there not knowing what to do.

  Should I knock?

  And what if the kids saw me?

  Then it hit me it was early afternoon, after lunch and outdoor activities. They should be at their studies. So at least that was safe.

  Talking to Apollo, that was another story.

  I lifted my hand, not knowing whether to go for the doorknob or rap on it, when it was opened.

  Achilles was standing there.

  “Hey,” I greeted.

  “Maddie,” he replied, his eyes openly studying me but he didn’t hesitate to reach out, wrap his fingers around my elbow and pull me out of the cold. “It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you,” he noted, closing the door.

  “Uh…yeah,” I replied, looking nervously into the house and seeing nothing but Apollo’s fabulous décor.

  “You’ve been well?” Achilles inquired and I turned back to him.

  “Yes…no. That is, yes-ish but I would say no more,” I replied and his head tipped to the side.

  I could get he was confused at my answer but I didn’t have time for this. I had just spent fifteen minutes walking, time that ate away at my courage. I had to get down to this and pronto.

  “Listen honey,” I went on, moving closer to him. “I’d love to visit but I need to speak with Apollo.”

  “Is anything amiss?” he asked.

  “No, but yes,” I answered.

  His lips curved up as he murmured, “She speaks in riddles.”

  “I need to talk to Apollo,” I repeated on a whisper.

  His eyes moved over my face and it was Achilles that got closer and his voice got lower when he said, “I’m sorry, Maddie, but he’s away to the Drakkar seat.”

  My heart thumped so hard it hurt.

  “Away? You mean, he’s gone?”

  “No. Not yet, but he’s preparing to go and will be leaving soon and with haste. He has a long journey and must make it in time for the gale.”

  Shit!

  “I really need to talk with him, Achilles.”

  He hesitated a moment and I had to give it to him, his voice was kind when he lowered the boom.

  “He would not welcome this talk, little bug.”

  Shit!

  Apollo had spoken to Achilles or he’d also been in a dark mood and Achilles, not a dim bulb by a long shot, had read it.

  “I still need to do it,” I declared with more bravado than bravery.

  He held my eyes an excruciatingly long moment before he nodded. “Then he’s in his room. Do you know where that is?”

  I had not officially been shown there but during my tour I’d hit the master’s bedchamber. I knew it was that because it was mammoth, richly appointed (and since everything else was seriously appointed, that room being richly appointed was saying something) and awesome.

  It also smelled like his cologne and, well, him.

  “I do,” I told Achilles.

  “Then go,” he urged.

  I smiled a shaky smile and took off toward the wide, carved wooden staircase.

  I went as fast as I could go because with every step I was losing the nerve to take the next one.

  What if he was still pissed and was an asshole again?

  What if in the last four days he’d figured out I wasn’t worth it?

  What if I got there and screwed everything up, said something stupid and damaged what was already broken to the point it couldn’t be repaired?

  These thoughts assailed me as I made it to his rooms and saw the door open.

  Without knocking, I ran in.

  His rooms were decorated in cream, jade and browns, mostly the latter two. He also had a small anteroom that I couldn’t imagine he used much mostly because it contained nothing but a handsome round table with a carved support that had four clawed feet. This sat next to a coffee-brown leather chaise lounge overhung with a floor lamp.

  I moved through, turned right to face where his massive bedroom was and stopped dead.

  Apollo was prowling through the room, swinging his cloak over his shoulder, his head down so he could watch his hand catch the strap under his arm. His tall, powerful body in motion, that cloak flying out behind him, his thick chocolate brown wool turtleneck and matching breeches, I forgot what a commanding presence he had and my mouth went dry.

  His head came up and he stopped too.

  That was when my heart stopped.

  Because without a flash, not even a flicker, he gave me nothing. His eyes settled on me and they were blank, his beautiful face carved from stone.

  There was no warmth. There was also no anger. Definitely no tenderness.

  There was nothing.

  I was too late.

  “Now is not a good time, Madeleine,” he stated, holding my eyes as he started walking again, buckling his cloak on his chest. “I’m away on an important errand and need to leave immediately.”

  He passed me and I turned with him at the same time I forced my lips to move.

  “What I have to say is important,” I told him.

  He again stopped and turned to me. “Then say it. And quickly.”

  It was a lot less attractive, him being bossy and arrogant when he was looking at me with his beautiful eyes void of emotion.

  No. Not attractive.

  It was crushing.

  “I…well, I thought you’d want to know, I’m, um…not
pregnant.”

  Crap!

  That wasn’t what I wanted to say!

  “Excellent,” he returned, his voice cold and he again moved as if he was going to leave.

  “Wait!” I cried, taking a step toward him but I halted when he again turned to me.

  When I got his eyes, the words clogged in my throat and he finally gave me something.

  Remote impatience.

  “Madeleine, as I told you, I need to leave immediately.” He swept me top to toe with a glance and finished, “If you have concerns about my absence, you’ve nothing to fear while I’m away. You’ll be protected. Most of my men have returned and the property is heavily guarded. And Lavinia is en route. She will ensure that the witch I’ve engaged has made certain no enchantments can be cast on the house or the grounds.”

  “I…that’s good,” I stammered. “Thank you. But, Apollo,—I took a tentative step toward him— “we have to talk.”

  “If you have something to discuss with me, you can do it when I return in three weeks.”

  Three weeks! He was going to be gone for three weeks?

  “Now I must go,” he finished.

  He gave me his back and started to the door.

  Without even a good-bye.

  I closed my eyes and looked to the floor, my throat closing.

  I was right, I was too late.

  “Are you going to come with me, or are you going to stand in my bedchamber staring at the floor?” he asked and my head shot up. His first words were a ray of hope that he meant to take me with him. But when I caught his eyes, his next words smothered that ray. “I’ll escort you to the front door and have a man take you to the dower house.”

  Yes.

  Too late.

  “You’re in a hurry. You don’t need to trouble yourself with me. I can get to the house, don’t worry,” I said quietly.

  “Madeleine, it’s snowing and now doing it heavily,” he replied with clearly strained patience.

  I looked to the windows and saw he was right. The snow was coming down a lot harder now.

  I kept my eyes to the window and told him, “I’ll be okay.”

  “You’ll be more okay escorted by one of my men.”

  I looked to him and he was wavy through the tears that had formed in my eyes but I swallowed and pushed out, “I’ll be fine.”