A Life Between Us

by Louise Walters

  Edward was sorry for his sister, despite everything. She’d had no sort of life for years, tucked away in that dwindling house with their aging parents. She had no job, no man, no friends. What did she have? She had nothing, and that was why Edward felt sorry for her, as well as frustrated by her. And another unanswerable question: was he to blame, at least in part, for her ways? Had their… their encounter… damaged her? He had to consider these questions alone. Never had he discussed the matter with anybody, and he never would. Such a conversation was impossible to imagine, impossible to consider.

  ‘Her silly ways are self-imposed,’ Simone reminded him whenever they discussed Lucia, which wasn’t often. ‘Do not forget that, Eddie. Why doesn’t she get a job? Why doesn’t she get an education? Something. These are her choices.’

  Lucia had become accustomed to being kept by her hard-working father for all those years. Now Tom was dead, and these days Lucia was describing herself as “depressed”. Edward and Simone were sceptical of this. She was clearly an unhappy woman. But depressed…? In life, Simone always said, we make our own happiness, or we sink. It was not harsh. It was simply true. Life was so much simpler than most people made of it. You just had to believe. Simone had been brought up as a Catholic but she was not devout, and she harboured no particular guilt. She simply believed in the essential goodness of her Almighty.

  Edward was clock-watching. He’d arranged to leave the office an hour early this Friday afternoon, so he could go to the shops for flowers and wine. They always drank wine to celebrate their anniversary. Often it was something expensive: champagne, sometimes a nice claret. Edward, teetotal for the rest of the year, indulged himself on this special day. And the flowers were white lilies, always lilies, because Simone was an admirer of their large petals and expensive scent. Edward had noticed a recent change in his wife. She was distant from him. They had not been “close” for two or three weeks. Edward wasn’t sure why and today he was determined to spoil his wife and bring things back to normal for both of them. Rarely had they argued or lost touch with each other.

  He said goodbye to his colleagues at four o’clock, and slinging his jacket over his shoulder he sauntered, whistling, along the August-dry high street, heading first for the florist, then to the wine merchant. He reached the cinema, which was screening a film called Bugsy Malone, and wondered if Simone would like to see it. They could go to their favourite little Italian restaurant afterwards.

  As he passed the cinema, something familiar, a movement, a certain rustle of a certain dress, caught his eye. He stopped. He stared at the couple emerging from the large double doors, and everything became slow and laboured, muffled, like being under water. He couldn’t breathe for a moment, as he watched his wife, in her best black taffeta frock and her best black shiny court shoes (old-fashioned he supposed, but classic) emerging from the cinema, smiling, laughing, arm in arm with a man. She did not see Edward. She did not glance in his direction. Edward knew that she saw nothing, only this man. They walked a few jaunty, confident steps, and then the man stopped, pulled Simone to him, and kissed her, their arms entwined, oblivious to all around them. It was love, or it was an impression of it. Edward felt surprise at first, more than anything, just simple surprise. Practical things, cheap little meaningless complaints, occurred to him. The phrase “broad daylight” weaved through his mind. If only he’d walked past just half a minute earlier, he wouldn’t have seen his wife with this man. And, he thought pettily, how indiscreet she was, in public – anybody could have spotted her. Just around the corner! The corner! Just around it. In broad daylight. The cinema. Our cinema.

  Could he forget about it? Pretend he’d never seen them? It was an idea, but no, no, of course he could not. He began his walk home to the flat, the lilies and champagne heavy in his arms. And he thought, with regret, now that Simone had already seen Bugsy Malone, she probably wouldn’t want to see it again. All his plans drifted up, up and away, and trying to prevent his thoughts and sanity from untethering themselves and going in the same tortured direction, he kept his eyes to the ground and strode towards home.

  Meg took her turn at hopscotch without enthusiasm. She was bored. She tried to hop too fast to get her turn over and done with and stumbled, falling onto her knees and getting grit and dirt on her already grubby trousers, which were a murky mustard yellow. They were Meg’s favourites and she wore them as often as she was allowed. They had been patched twice already on each knee by an exasperated Aunty Lucia.

  Tina was missing their mother, although she hadn’t yet confided in Meg about this. She guessed that Meg missed her too. It was strange not having her around during the day. Tina took her go at hopscotch, and just as she finished her turn a familiar red Mini flew around the bend at the top of the lane.

  ‘That’s Uncle Edward’s car!’ cried Tina and she carefully placed the hopscotch stone at her feet. She and Meg stood, watching the car as it careened down the lane, faster than usual, more weirdly, Tina thought. She couldn’t think of the right word. Was it clumsy? The girls stepped backwards as the car came to an abrupt and untidy halt outside the gate, right over their hopscotch grid. The tyres made a small screech. Uncle Edward stayed sitting inside the car for a long time. Tina and Meg stared in at him. He was crying. Aunty Lucia came to the front door, wiping her hands on her apron, and stood silent and still at the top of the steps, waiting.

  Uncle Edward finally opened the car door and climbed out. He tried to smile at the girls, but he crumpled into more sobbing instead, and the girls drew back in horror; they had never seen their uncle so grim and so sad. He managed a ghastly smile, then walked through the gate, letting it clang shut behind him, and stumbled as he walked towards the steps leading up to the front door. The girls followed him at a safe distance. Uncle Edward threw himself up the steps and reached out for his sister, who reached out towards him. He sobbed on her shoulder. She tried to hold him, but it was clearly difficult for her, the girls could see. She looked stiff and uncomfortable.

  ‘She’s gone, Lucia!’ cried Uncle Edward. ‘She’s left me. My Simone, gone.’

  The girls looked at each other in alarm. Tante Simone, gone? It made no sense. Where had she gone? They understood now their uncle’s tears. Tina looked up at Aunty Lucia and was shocked to see a small tight smile as her brother sobbed on her shoulder.

  Tina and Meg gazed silently at each other after Uncle Edward disappeared into the house with their Aunty Lucia. The front door was closed firmly, shutting the girls out. They were fearful for their uncle; he was trembling and he had disgusting yellow snot running down over his mouth and chin. They had never seen him like this. And why was he here? Once, they had overheard Uncle Edward and Tante Simone talk about Aunty Lucia and it had not been complimentary, as Tina had carefully said at the time. Aunty Lucia was the last person anybody should turn to for comfort, and both girls knew this by instinct as well as by experience. They crept up to the open dining room window and listened to the adults, whose voices became strangely foreign and mingled. It was hard to hear everything, and the girls were motionless as they strained to listen and remain undetected.

  She’s run off with another man, they heard. I always thought her a careless person. I saw her leaving the cinema with him on Friday afternoon… Are you sure? I confronted her later at home and she admitted it without even batting an eyelid. Cool as you like. That’s shocking… She was going to tell me anyway she said. She still loves me, whatever she means by that… Well, she is French, isn’t she… Half-French… I could have told you it would all come to nothing… I didn’t need to hear that… I’m sorry but I must speak as I find… She said she was glad we never had a child… I… I don’t know what to say. I suspected she might have wanted a family but was putting on a brave face all these years. Well, a face anyway… It’s over so would it be all right for me to stay? Of course… She says she feels betrayed… I don’t know why. Why would she say that? I’ve never… Of c
ourse you haven’t… I can’t bear to set foot in that flat ever again. She left on Friday night and it’s been hell being there all weekend… You should have come before now. I couldn’t think what to do… I’ll let her wind things up… Very sensible. Fuck that bastard! (The girls opened their eyes and mouths wide at each other – never had they heard Uncle Edward swear.) Hush your language. I’m sorry. Oh, she said so many things. She’s furious with me and she said she was frightened of me, can you believe that? Frightened! What on earth can she mean? And she met this chap at work she told me and he is nice she said, just nice and not complicated. I see… Am I complicated? No, Edward. Is Mum having a nap? Yes, she usually naps in the afternoon. Best if we don’t tell her everything. She loved Simone… (Uncle Edward crying again) Simone loved her, I thought. How could she, Lucia? Well, I never trusted her and she’s been very unfair to you… I trusted her… But do you think… No, no chance, she’s gone for good. I don’t think she’ll ever come back. I see…Thank you, Loose Ear. I’ll go up to see Mum in a bit…

  And Meg sneezed – a loud, shrill, unmistakable sound – and it was too late to run, too late to hide, as the pale, anxious face of Aunty Lucia loomed out of the window.

  Monday 16th August 1976

  Dear Elizabeth

  I have things to tell you about. Our Uncle Edward has left his wife, actually, I think that’s wrong, she has left him. It is sad because me and Meg liked her so much. Her name is Tante (which is French for Aunt) Simone and she has gone for good which really should be for bad because theres nothing good about it. Meg and me overheard Uncle Edward and Aunt Lucia talking and Meg sneezed and it wasn’t her fault but even so it got us into trouble because Aunty Lucia caught us eevesdropping and she said “Stay right where you are you little madams!” and she looked scarey and very cross and out she came and she spanked us both, and made me cry and my hand is still sore and she said we were nosy, and we were trooble, and we were bad, bad girls and no better than Uncle Ambrose with his wickid ways. She said lots of other things and really it is she who is bad because by the end even Meg was crying and Meg doesn’t cry much. Lucia (I am not calling her Aunty anymore and neither is Meg, we have made up our minds) said we were evil little weerd twins and how she wished we had never come along and how our mother should of listened to her and she was glad Tante Simone left because she spoilt us and tried to turn us into pretty dolls which we most certanly are not. She was spitful. She said we didn’t deserve anything that we got and she took Ballet Shoes and The Diddakoi and A Stitch in Time. She started to rip them up and she threw them into the fireplace and she set them alight and I was crying a lot and Meg said she wasn’t going to put anything of hers on the fire and Lucia said she would do as she liked. Meg ran off and found her clackers and hid them in the shed round the side of the house. Our Uncle Edward asked Aunty Lucia to calm down and leave us poor girls alone and then SHE ran outside crying like we had thrown HER books on the fire and Uncle Edward ended up following her outside and comforting HER even though he is the one who is sad and me and Meg. Tomorrow he has promised to take me to the shops to replace my books. I hate her. I wish she was dead. One day she will be, Meg told me and we hugged.

  From your sad cousin Tina x

  Tuesday 17th August 1976

  Dear Elizabeth

  I know I only wrote to you yesterday but I will put both letters in the same envelope. I want to write to you again tonight because I have some good news for once, hooray!! My mum was cross about my books and she had an argumant with Aunty Lucia which I didn’t like I don’t like argumants and shouting but the happy thing is our Uncle Edward took me and Meg shopping today like he promised and he brought me new copies of my books that Lucia burned and was that really yesterday she burned them because it already feels like a long time ago. He also brought me some brand new books I haven’t read before. One of them is a Famous Five book, it is called Five go to Mystery Moor. I have already read Five go to Smugglers Top and I like Anne the best but Meg who actually quite likes The Famous Five says Anne is nothing and George is the best because she does things and is never scarred. I’m not sure that’s true but I didn’t argue with Meg because we are very good friends again and I don’t want to spoil it. Uncle Edward also brought her a cowboy suit which she is wearing right now as I write these words and she looks like a cowgirl not a cowboy she is Calamity Jane but she loves it and he got us ice creams and said we shouldn’t put up with Aunty Lucia’s nonsense. He told us she was a spoilt little girl. He said she is not always nice. Uncle Edward has promised to try to help us and he is going to have a word with Lucia we hope he will tell her off but she doesn’t like telling offs but Uncle Edward says she deserves one sometimes just like everybody else and she is mean to us but also kind because she does look after us most days and she makes us food even if its not nice food it is dry and she does our washing and other stuff so we have to be good little girls and remember all of that. Uncle Edward says we should try to help more around the house so in a few days we are going to help Granny and Aunty Lucia with jam making. We are making plum jam with the plums that grow in Granny’s garden. I haven’t made jam before but I am looking forward to it although we will be hot because you have to boil the frut Uncle Edward told me but he says Meg and I should put on our aprons and help out like good girls then maybe Lucia will see the better side of us.

  That is all for now,

  Love from Tina xxxxxxxxxx

  Twenty-five

  January 2014

  Keaton woke up before his alarm went off and rolled over, reaching out for his wife. He felt ecstatic, and early morning was the best time to feel ecstatic. This was energy, and it was new, and he wanted to share it with Tina. But she wasn’t in bed. She was sitting huddled in a blanket by the wide open bedroom window.

  Keaton sat up. ‘Tina?’

  She didn’t turn around. She didn’t seem to hear.

  ‘Tina? What are you doing?’

  ‘Thinking,’ said Tina quietly, still staring out of the open window. The morning was murky and foggy.

  ‘Well, could you do your thinking with the window closed please?’

  Keaton threw back the duvet and sprung from bed. He was a morning person. Awake when he was awake, like a child.

  ‘I thought I was going to be all right,’ said Tina, and she turned towards Keaton. She had been crying.

  ‘You are going to be all right,’ he replied, making for the shower.

  ‘No, I’m not. I’m so not, Keaton!’

  ‘What on earth’s the matter?’

  He turned and came to the window then, and closed it. He drew Tina towards the bed and sat her on it, and kneeled in front of her.

  ‘Meg,’ gasped Tina.

  ‘Oh, for heaven’s sake!’

  ‘Don’t be like that. Please.’

  ‘Don’t be like what? Tina, Meg is dead. Right? You know it, I know it, everybody knows it. You admitted it to Kath or Kate or whatever her name is and most importantly to yourself only yesterday, right?’

  ‘In one sense she’s dead.’

  ‘In the sense that she’s dead, or she’s “dead”? You’re either dead or you’re alive. There is only one dead. You can’t be both.’

  ‘But you can. You really can be both. She can. She’s not truly dead. She told me that once…’

  Keaton stood. ‘I’m going to have my shower, then I’m going to make us coffee and toast and then I’m off to work, but tonight we can talk. We’ll talk for as long as you want. I’m happy to talk to you forever about this if it means you get over it.’

  ‘I don’t want to talk. I need to do.’

  ‘Do what?’

  ‘You’ll see. You’ll see. Meg will help me, I know she will. Actually it’s her idea. She always has the ideas.’

  ‘Oh, Jesus Christ. Tina, just… shut up about it, can’t you? I’m so worried… No. I’m frighte
ned for you. Damn it, Tina!’

  ‘But you have nothing to be frightened of.’

  ‘Oh really?’

  ‘Your life is so pure and so easy,’ said Tina, almost singing, almost chanting. She was clearly a long way away, somewhere Keaton could not go. ‘You have no worries and nobody to mourn and no troubles of any kind.’

  ‘What?’ Keaton shouted, furious at last, broken at last. He withdrew from Tina, took two steps backwards, and glared at her.

  ‘You’re so lucky,’ said Tina, looking up at him and trying to smile.

  ‘Lucky? Me? Living with a… It’s you who has no idea, Tina, you. Now, I’m going to have a shower and then I’m off to work. Forget breakfast. I’ll grab some on the way. Tonight, if you want, if you’re going to talk sense, we will talk about this. Otherwise… Tina, do try to pull yourself together. We can’t… I can’t keep on like this. Our life, it’s so… no. Your life is so unhinged. You spend so much time in that weird place in your head and as for your constant bloody cleaning – this house, other people’s houses, why? Why the hell? Why do you do that? What’s it all about, really? It’s high time you stopped cleaning houses and dropped this whole bloody charade and cleaned up your life. Clean up your mind, that’s what’s so soiled and untidy! That’s what needs decluttering! Can’t you see? You’re psychotic. More than that, you’re… you’re not all there. You’re a fucking mess!’ He glared at her, panting. She looked back at him, blank. Just blank. He turned away from her, her gormless gaze, and made for the shower. He slammed the door shut.