by Erin Trejo
The pink tint in her cheeks makes my heart leap. She isn’t Ashley. No one could ever be her but I see more in Kenderly now than I ever had. The more I watched Kenderly mourn the loss of Ashley and my dad, the more I saw in her. The passion she has for life even when dealt a shitty hand made me see her in a new light. She took on the role of a leader when she forced my ass to get out of bed and face my son every day. She may have been broken herself, but to see her care so much about me and Jameson sent my heart spiraling. I didn’t think I’d feel anything after Ashley died. I didn’t think I’d want to, but those old feelings for Kenderly still sat in the back of my heart just waiting to be discovered. Although we aren’t technically together and just friends, I know I want her in my future. The spark that’s always been between us now has a chance to have a life of its own.
“I didn’t say that. I want you to come.” I lift her chin with my finger so that she’s looking at me. The smile that crosses her face melts me.
“Ok,” she says sweetly. I lean down and press my lips to her forehead when I hear Jameson.
“Dad! Kissing is gross!” he yells making us both laugh.
“I kissed her head, J. How is that different than what she gives you?” I ask him. His face is priceless. It looks truly grossed out.
“Cause she’s like my mom so it’s ok.” He grins before skipping away.
My chest tightens. He and Kenderly have gotten closer over this last year. They lean on each other more than I noticed before. J really took to Ashley, but the way he is with Kenderly is completely different. He looks up to her as a mother figure. I swallow hard before I look back over at her. She looks embarrassed, but there is no reason to be.
“What’s that look?” I ask her with a slightly amused tone.
“I don’t want you to think I’m trying to take Ashley’s place with him. She meant a lot to him, Tic.” I can see the tears in her eyes. I don’t like it either. I reach up and wipe the lonely tear that falls down her perfect cheek.
“You’re not replacin’ anyone. She was put in our lives for the briefest of moments. I’d like to think she had a purpose for that. I know I can see the difference in myself,” I admit to her. That’s something I haven’t admitted to anyone. I’ve kept it bottled up inside of me hoping to hold onto the last shred of Ash that I possibly can.
“I can see it, too.” Brooke’s voice is like heaven. I’ve missed hearing her talk to me. She may have come around a little, but she still keeps her distance. “Kenderly, can you give us a minute?”
Kenderly smiles and nods before walking away. Brooke takes her place in front of me.
“I meant what I said, Brooke. I’m sorry I took your friend from you. If I could change it you know I would.” My voice cracks a little just like my heart.
“I know, Tic. I think you’re right, though. Ashley was my best friend for a long time. I had her a lot longer than you, but from just the time she was here with you, you were different. I think you’re right; she made an impact on you.” I lower my head, but I glance briefly over at Kenderly, not wanting her to go too far. “She’s good for you. You two have always had a strange relationship.” Pulling my head back up, I look Brooke in the eyes.
“It’s not like that,” I tell her although my heart tells me otherwise. “I don’t deserve somethin’ good twice in my life.”
“Tic, come on! If anyone deserves it, it’s you. Look what you’ve been through. She would want you to be happy. I could see her pushing you toward it. Kenderly is just as lost as you. I think the more time you spend together, the more you will see what’s always been in front of you.” Her words throw me off balance.
“We just need a break, Brooke. She needs it as much as me,” I tell her. In my heart, I’d like to believe that she’s right. That we will find ourselves given enough time, but I don’t know that that will ever happen.
“You can tell yourself that all you want. I just want you to know that I have your back. No matter what. I love you, Tic.”
I pull Brooke into my arms and hold her there. It’s a nice relief to hear those words leave her lips.
Chapter 34
Kenderly
I once thought I found the love of my life in Blu. It tore my heart apart when he died. I hated myself for never telling him how I felt. I mean, he knew. He kept me at arm’s length, but he was slowly giving in to me. He never truly gave himself to me as much as I pushed. He was a part of my life since I was a kid. I thought I knew what love was. I thought I loved him. I might have…I still don’t know.
When he died, I lost myself. I have to wonder if it was because I cared so deeply for him or that the one thing I thought I could hold onto was gone. I’ve always had feelings for Tic, though. Since we were kids he held something special in him, something different. I never acted on it because he had his way with women. I didn’t want to be involved in anything he was. He was crazy and out there. He took women like they were toys; played with them and tossed them to the side when he got bored. When I watched him with Ashley though, he was different. He loved her. I could see it in the way that he held her and looked at her. I was jealous. I wanted that for me. I threw myself at Blu twice as hard thinking that’s what I wanted. That he would make it all better for me. That wasn’t reality though. It was wishful thinking. Blu told me before he died that he loved me. That he would have been anything I wanted him to be if he was only ten years younger or a different man. He said he had too much respect for me to take me on. I tried, God how I tried. I like to think that Blu always knew how I felt for Tic though. He always told me he was the better man.
“You about ready?” Mayhem nudges my arm with his making me smile.
“Yeah. It just feels weird leaving here,” I admit. I’ve never lived anywhere but here. Mayhem throws his arm around my shoulder, pulling me into his side.
“I know but I think you need this as much as he does. You two have faced a lot of shit in these walls,” he says with a sigh.
“I’ll miss you, Mayhem.” I look up at the other man that has been like a brother to me. They took care of me, helped me grow.
“I’ll be around, darlin’. Don’t think you get my brother all to yourself.” He winks at me. That man. I swear Mayhem is as crazy as they come but has the heart of gold.
“Wouldn’t dream of keeping him away from you,” I tease him.
“He’s a good guy, Kenderly. I know if anyone can help him find his way again, it’s you.”
“It’s not like that, Mayhem, and you know it. We’re friends, family really. Just like me and you.” Mayhem chuckles and I find myself watching him.
“What’s so funny?” I ask.
“That’s not the way he’s lookin’ at you right now. You might not see it at first, but you two are meant for each other.”
Now it’s my turn to laugh. I do too. Hard, but when I look over at Tic, I can see the love in his eyes. It’s more than how he used to look at Ashley. It’s different.
Mayhem leans down and whispers in my ear, “I told you.” Before I can pull my eyes from Tic, Mayhem’s gone.
Tic watches me the way I watch him. Intrigue? Interest?
“Kenderly! Are you ready?” Jameson breaks the stare down we’re having when he wraps his arms around my legs. I pull him closer before I kneel in front of him.
“You bet I am. Are you ready to check out your new school?” I ask him trying to sound as upbeat as I can.
“Yes, and our new house. Dad said I have my own room there.” He’s practically glowing and it makes me happy to see. Jameson deserves to be happy after the hell he was forced to live through.
“You do, and guess who is in the room next to yours?” I ask him excitedly.
“Who?”
“Me.” His little mouth falls open before he throws his arms around my neck. I hold him tightly, never wanting to let him go.
“Let’s go then! I want to see my room.” As quickly as he hugged me, he’s running toward the door.
I stand up when Tic
walks over. His eyes are shining brightly. He needs the change in scenery. He’s come as far as he can in this environment. Being in the clubhouse is doing nothing but forcing him to look at memories of his past. A past that he deserves to move beyond.
“He’s excited,” he says with a smile.
“I am too,” I tell him.
“You sure you’re ready for this?” he asks me again. My heart leaps a little when I realize that he actually worries about me. I can see the look in his eyes.
“I’m more than sure.”
Chapter 35
Tic
“Now you know you don’t talk to strangers, right?” I listen to Kenderly talk to Jameson in front of the school. It makes me smile that she cares so much about him. She reminds me of Ash in ways. The way she cares for J.
“I know. I won’t. Bye!” Jameson turns and runs up the sidewalk without a second glance. Kenderly stands and stares at the closed door for a long time before I laugh.
“What’s so funny?” she asks as she plants her hands on her hips.
“You are! He’ll be back at two thirty you know,” I tell her with a giant shit-eating smile. She looks like the boy was going off to college.
“So? I miss him already. Shut up, Tic.” She shoves at my chest. I reach up and grip her wrist in my hand. My heart hammers in my chest as I move my eyes between hers and her lips. God how I want to taste those lips. I know it’s wrong. I can feel it but that tug is there.
“Don’t do it yet,” she says softly. I drag my gaze to hers, and that’s when I see how torn she is too.
“I’ve thought about it so much. I want to, but I know I shouldn’t. It scares the hell out of me, Kenderly.” It takes a lot to admit that. I’ve never been scared of anything but having something else go bad in my life scares the shit out of me.
“I know, and that’s why I’m asking you to give it more time. I know what I feel when I’m with you Tic. I’ve always felt it.” Confusion shakes me to the core. What is she talking about?
“What do you mean? You’ve always loved my dad, Kenderly. I saw how you looked at him.” I can’t help the angry way it comes out. I know what I saw between them. You could feel the tension in the room. Kenderly shakes her head slowly while she chews on her lip.
“I thought I did. It wasn’t love, Tic. It was lust. I wanted to be wanted. I thought Blu was something I could have. I couldn’t. He never let it get that far.”
I shake my head but I don’t let go of her arm. “I saw how pissed he’d get when we would say somethin’ about you two. You can’t tell me there wasn’t somethin’.” My nerves are on edge. This move, the new shop I opened, and Kenderly – it’s all weighing on me.
“He never touched me. I tried. God, I tried. There was always something holding me back too though. When we came close, things would come to light and I just couldn’t.” She shakes her head as tears form in her eyes. My heart clenches.
“Why, Kenderly? Tell me why. What stopped you?” I demand. My voice is thick with emotion. I need to hear it. I need to know.
“You did, Tic.” No. she couldn’t have felt anything for me. She never said anything. I let her arm slowly fall from my grasp as I take a step back. So many things run wild inside of me. If I was with Kenderly, maybe they would still be alive today. Things would have been so different. Why didn’t she tell me this?
“Say something,” she pleads.
I can’t. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what words to use. I’m not even sure what I feel right now.
“I don’t know how to respond to that. I don’t know…fuck!” I roar. I take another step back trying to break the spell I’m under, but the more I try the harder it is. I can’t do this. Not right now.
Chapter 36
Kenderly
I sit in the office and watch Tic as he works on a bike. There’s so many emotions swirling inside of me that I can’t sort out. I don’t like feeling like my world is off center but that’s exactly how it feels. I’m not sure if telling Tic was the right choice. Maybe I should have kept those feelings to myself, but the more I’m around him the more I feel it. The way my heart picks up when he smiles at me. The way my chest tightens when he says my name. It’s wrong. I’m sure it is.
“Tic said you could call and order some lunch.”
I’m startled when Brad, the guy Tic hired to help out in the shop speaks. Brad is a Nomad in the area who needed a job. I regain myself quickly before I glance over at him.
“Yeah. Sure. What do you guys want?” I ask softly still a little lost in my own world.
“Don’t matter to me.” Brad smiles before sitting on the edge of my desk. I look up at his dark brown eyes as she stares at me with a grin still on his face.
“What?” I ask when he doesn’t say anything. I don’t like the attention he’s been giving me. I’ve never liked attention. I can feel my cheeks heat under his gaze.
“You wanna go out with me Friday?” he blurts out. My mouth opens, but before I can respond, Tic does it for me.
“Hell no she doesn’t. You wanna find yourself on the unemployment line?” he growls.
Brad stands from the desk and crosses his arms over his broad chest glaring at Tic. This could get bad.
“Don’t think I was askin’ you out, Tic,” Brad says with a smug ass grin on his face.
Tic’s jaw clenches, the muscles in his arms flexing. My heart nearly leaps out of my chest as I watch the fury in his eyes. I shove out of my chair and stand in between them but Tic doesn’t seem to notice me. His eyes are trained on Brad. I reach up and press my hand to his chest, but I nearly jerk away when I hear him suck in a sharp breath. It’s like I punched the man. His hand shoots up and grabs my wrist, holding it in place.
“Take a fuckin’ walk, Brad.” He all but growls the words at him. Brad chuckles but walks around us and back out into the shop.
“I was going to say no,” I say softly, lowering my head so I don’t have to meet his gaze. Tic’s fingers flex around my wrist before he reaches for my face with his free hand. He lifts my chin, forcing me to look him in the eyes.
“I have so many things in my head, Kenderly. I’m a fuckin’ mess, and I’m afraid that I’ll ruin you the way I did her.” I can see the pain in his eyes, hear it in his voice. It kills me that he blames himself.
“I know you loved her. I’m not her though, Tic. I don’t want to be. I know your heart. I’ve known it since I was a kid. You were always better than the ones you let in. You are who you are, and she knew that when she got involved. As much as I wish I would have told you sooner, I’m telling you now. I love you, Tic. I always have. It’s never changed, but I can’t be her. I don’t want to be.”
The look in his eyes change. I don’t know what else to say to him. I’ve laid myself out there for him in a way that I didn’t know I could. I’ve admitted my feelings for him and now it’s time for me to step back. He has to work through his past on his own. That’s not something I can help him with. He may have feelings for me, but I know what he had with Ashley was special. I can’t be in the middle of that.
“Kenderly, darlin’. I don’t know-”
I pull my arm free of his grasp and step back watching his arms fall to his sides. He watches me with so much torment in those beautiful eyes that it hurts me to see.
“I don’t want you to say anything. I’m thankful that you let me come out here with you and Jameson, Tic. I needed to get away from there. I didn’t come here to put you in an awkward position by telling you that.” I turn on my heel and head for the door. I can’t handle seeing him look so lost and knowing that I planted that seed in him.
When I step out into the warm heat of the day, I let the tears I’d been holding in fall. Brad steps up, wrapping an arm around my shoulders.
“He’ll come around, sweetheart,” he says softly.
“You did that on purpose, didn’t you?” I ask with a sniffle. Brad chuckles.
“I might have been sick of seein’ him moping aro
und. I thought if I asked you out that would get him to come to his senses.”
I have to give the man credit. That was a good thought.
“He compares me to her. I can’t be what he needs or what he wants,” I say. Brad doesn’t say a word. He just tightens his hold on me. Maybe that’s all the answer I need. Maybe he knows that Tic will never want me.
Chapter 37
Tic
The more I see him near her, the more I want to rip his goddamn throat out. Brad has no idea the repulsive things that are running through my head right now. I’ve tried to work her out of my system. I’ve thrown myself into work and Jameson, but fuck, all I can think about is what she said to me that day. My life was never perfect, but I have to wonder if it could have been better had I known that Kenderly cared about me.
I walk through the house but I don’t see her anywhere.
“Hey, J. Where’s Kenderly?” I ask when I see him sitting on the couch watching his favorite Spiderman movie.
“Outside on the phone.” He doesn’t even look up at me when he talks. I can’t help but smile at him. I love that kid. I walk into the kitchen and see Kenderly with her head in her hands. I watch her for a few minutes through the window. Her long hair hangs down, hiding her face from view. Something about the way she sits there, vulnerable grips my chest. She loves me. She told me she did. So why am I being such a fucking bitch about the whole situation? Why can’t I go to her and hold her the way she deserves?
The more I think about it, the more it bothers me. Just as I’m about to turn and walk away, she raises her head. Her eyes lock on mine and her tears shine in the morning sun. My heart hurts for her. There’s so much longing in them. So much hurt. Kenderly looks away from me before I can do it. I don’t want to do it.
“You’re gonna fuck this up,” I mumble as I reach for the door handle. Walking out the back door, I sigh. I know this is going to be an epic fuck up but I can’t help it. I need to go to her. I need to see what’s hurting her and the overwhelming need to fix it isn’t helping at all. I sit next to her on concrete bench. I reach over and grab her hand, pulling it into my lap.
