by Erin Trejo
“I’m gonna get him back,” he says with conviction.
“Damn right we are. We got a hit.” Blu storms into the room with a smile on his face. My heart leaps in my chest. Tic leans down with a smile on his face pressing his lips to mine.
“See. You were right. Don’t doubt yourself again.” He kisses me quickly before I pull back and look up at him.
“I’m going with you.”
Tic shakes his head before laughing. “Not a chance in hell.”
“Might be a good idea to have her in the van, Tic. J is gonna need a familiar face when we handle this.” Blu of all people agrees with me. I stick my tongue out at Tic before he turns to Blu.
“You remember she’s healin’, right?” he snaps.
“I’m fine. I can sit there like a good girl.” Before either of them say a word, I walk out of the room and head down the hallway.
“You think that means shit? You need to rest, Ash.” Tic follows behind me like I knew he would. I may be sore and bruised, but there is nothing in the world I want more than to go with and find Jameson.
“I’m fine. I’ve been resting. Your dad’s right. Jameson will need me when we find him.” As the words leave my mouth, Tic’s hand wraps around my arm.
“I almost lost you, Ashley,” he states, the pain evident in his voice.
“You didn’t. I’m going, Tic. If it’s the last thing I do, I want to make sure that Jameson is safe and back with his family.” I grit my teeth, tired of all of this now.
“Fine, but I promise it won’t be the last thing you do,” he snaps before releasing the hold on my arm.
I don’t turn to watch him walk away. I don’t need to. What I need to do is change and get ready to go.
Chapter 30
Tic
Hate is a strong word, but in this lifestyle, it holds a lot of meaning. I hate Dana. I hate what she became and I hate what she was but even more, I hate that I gave her the power over me. I let her in. I may not have noticed it for what it was at first but I let her in. I let her take over an aspect of my life that I never even realized.
“Your head all in?” my dad asks me as I look out the window of the van. I don’t like having Ashley sitting here next to me. I don’t like having her in harm’s way but I do love having her in my arms.
“It’s all in. I’m ready to do this shit. I want my son home where he belongs.” I tighten my hold on Ash. I never realized just how safe she makes me feel. I can’t say that I don’t like it either. I know all good things come to an end though. They always do. I just don’t want to think about the end of me and her.
The van jostles us around. I was surprised that my dad opted to ride in the van with us. It seems a little off, but he said he wanted to ride back to the clubhouse with Jameson. I know the odds of us finding him in this shit hole are slim, but if there’s a chance I have to go with. My body is tense with that knowledge. I can feel that Ash is just as tense as I am. I nuzzle my face into her hair and inhale her scent. This girl has shown me so much in such a short amount of time. I’ve learned from her. I’ve learned how to love. I’ve learned how to take what life gives you and not to regret a second of it. I don’t regret a moment with Ash. When Dana first left, I didn’t think I could love anyone else. I wasn’t sure if I even loved her. I guess to a point I did, but it was only for Jameson’s sake. Dana wasn’t real. Not in the loving aspect. She was a wet pussy and that was the extent of it until I found out she was pregnant. I tried to make shit work with her, but she was far more interested in the drugs than having a life with me.
“Everything is going to be fine.” Ash smiles up at me. I nod my head but my attitude has shifted the closer we get to the clubhouse.
“I wanna say somethin’ to you just in case.” I start but she shakes her head, effectively cutting me off.
“I don’t want to hear it. Tell me later.”
I sigh before I shift her around so that she’s looking at me.
“I mean it, Ash. Let me say it,” I demand. Ash nods her head looking me in the eyes. I could get lost in those eyes of hers.
“You came into my life and I didn’t see you for what you were. I knew you were better than me. I knew you were good for J though. Every day that I saw you in my house with him, I fuckin’ wanted that. I wanted that for him, for me. I wanted a mom who loved him as much as I did, not one that walked away from him. You gave him that. You gave him love that she never did. You gave me love when I didn’t deserve it. If I don’t make it back with him, you love him, Ash. You love him like a real mother.” We all know how these things go. One of us may not make it out alive and I will be damned if it’s Ash.
“Don’t do this. Not now. We’ve dealt with enough, haven’t we?” she asks with her eyes full of tears. “You know I’d do anything for you and Jameson. That wasn’t even something that needed to be said, Tic.” She presses her lips to mine and I let myself get lost in her for the moment.
“We’re here. Ash, stay in the van no matter what. Got it?” my dad says over her shoulder. Ash kisses me once more before pulling back.
“I’m not going anywhere,” she says.
I don’t know who she’s saying it to, me or him. It doesn’t matter, because in this second I know that she’s mine and always will be. I shift Ash and kiss her forehead once more before climbing out of the back of the van. Before the door closes I smile once more and say, “I love you, Ashley.” Her smile is infectious.
“Love you more.”
With a wink, I close the door and follow my dad.
“She’s a good one. She never seems to surprise me, though. That girl would give her life for you two,” my dad says as we walk toward the others.
“I know she would, but I’d never let her.” I nudge his arm. He chuckles which is the best sound in the world coming from him. My dad has lived a hard life, but he’s always put his family first.
“We know they’re in there,” Declan says when we step up next to them. We parked a good way away to keep the attention off us and on them where it needs to be.
“Got visual?” my dad asks. Declan nods his head.
“Called Mystic when we got here. He’s got them goin’ in with Jameson and Dana twenty minutes ago. They’ve been movin’ shit out too. Looks like they are headin’ out of town.”
My heart beats a little faster in my chest. She isn’t taking him. There’s no way for her to get out of the city with him. We have a fucking perimeter set up around this whole damn city so fucking tight that it’s a wonder anyone at all can get through.
“Let’s move in. When they come out, we take them,” my dad says looking at me for confirmation.
I give him a nod, and he looks at all the guys and says, “I don’t need to tell you that that boy is family. I don’t need to tell you how important this is either. We watch our asses, but we don’t make a move unless we know J is safe, got it?” As if the words needed to be spoken. They didn’t. Jameson is their family. They all know it.
“Let’s go,” he says.
My chest tightens as we make our way toward the building. When it comes into view, my senses take over me. I’m on high alert just like I always am.
Chapter 31
Ashley
My knee bounces up and down. I wring my hands in my lap the best I can with this damn cast. Who the hell would have thought sitting still in the back of a van would have been so nerve wracking? I can’t sit still. I climb up and pop the back door open. Sitting on the edge, I let my feet dangle outside. This is still technically in the van if I needed to use that for argument’s sake.
I smile to myself knowing that Tic will be bringing J home today. At least in the back of my mind that’s what I’m telling myself. If there is a God, he wouldn’t take something as precious as J away from his dad so soon. I know he wouldn’t.
I sit swinging my legs when I hear a soft cry. I cock my head to the side trying to place where it’s coming from. I slowly drop my feet to the ground when I hear it again. Slowly mov
ing toward it, my heart leaps in my chest. Is that Jameson? I calm my rapid breathing when I hear Dana speak.
“Shut up! We have to go,” she snaps in a loud whisper. My mouth hangs open. Not just that she’s trying to take him but the way she talked to him. My feet move before my brain can register anything else.
“Stop right the fuck there!” Tic’s voice booms through the air. I stop not knowing who it is he’s talking to. When I look to my left I can see him and the guys standing with guns drawn, but they aren’t directed at me. I stand up straighter and see Dana with Jameson behind her.
“Fuck you! You can’t have him, Tic!” Dana roars.
I catch Jameson’s gaze knowing that I’m far enough behind Dana that she couldn’t see me unless she turned around. I hold my finger to my lips to tell J to be silent. He nods his head once but his eyes never leave me. I swallow hard trying to figure out what to do next. I look over to Tic. His eyes catch mine for the briefest moment. He doesn’t let it show, but I saw it.
“Don’t do anything stupid, Dana.” He looks back to her. I move slowly toward J when I see the gun in Dana’s hand. Do I stop? She wouldn’t hurt him, would she? I take a few deep breaths before looking around me. There isn’t much for safety aside from this broke down car I’m hiding next to. I crouch down low and motion to Jameson to come to me. He nods his little head as Dana and Tic scream at each other. I know Tic is doing what he can to keep Dana’s attention on him, but when I see her shift slightly, I move.
I run as fast as I can toward J as he runs toward me. I’m merely a few steps from him when I hear the gunshots ring out. Grabbing J in my arms, I lift him and take off for shelter. The shots keep coming, but I drop to my knees behind the broke down car and check him over.
“You’re okay?” I ask him frantically. He nods his head as tears stream down his little face.
“You’re not,” he says looking at my chest. I look down and see the blood on my shirt. Adrenaline courses through me.
“I’m okay. I love you, J. You’re safe,” I tell him. He nods his head as I drop to my ass and lean against the car, my chest suddenly tight. It hurts to breathe but Jameson climbs in my arms and wraps his little hands around me. I’m content as I close my eyes. Lights flicker behind my eyes but nothing else matters but Jameson. He’s safe. He’s safe from Dana, and now he can be with his father. The more I think about that, the more relaxed I become. My chest feels tighter and tighter, but there is something so serene about this moment. J is in my arms, safe. He’s safe and that’s the best part of all of this. She can’t hurt him. It doesn’t matter what happens now. The feeling of his small body pressed against me is all that matters. My heart soars with happiness.
“Ash?” I can hear his voice but I can’t make myself speak. The world slowly calms around us.
“Ash? Are you ok?” That voice. God, I love his little voice.
Chapter 32
Tic
“Dad!” I roar when I see him fall to the ground. Shots are ringing in my ears, but all I can see is him falling. I know Ashley got Jameson, but I saw Dana take that shot. I don’t know if either of them are hit. I don’t know anything. So many things whirl around in my head right now.
“They’re down!” Declan yells when the shots stop. We took them down. The ones that didn’t run anyway. I drop down next to my dad, but Mayhem shoves me off.
“I got him! Go check them!” he growls. I nod my head and climb to my feet. I don’t even realize how quickly I’m running until I round the car. My heart is hammering in my chest, the world is spinning around me. Ashley’s arms are wrapped around Jameson, her eyes closed. He’s snuggled into her chest like he always does.
“Ash,” I say her name quietly, but when Jameson pulls back to look up at me, I know something is wrong.
“Daddy! Ash is sleeping,” he tells me, not knowing the difference.
I shake my head slowly. She can’t be. She wouldn’t leave me. She promised. She’s supposed to be my forever.
I kneel down, and Jameson climbs out of her lap. That’s when I see it. The blood staining the front of her shirt, the way her arms fell to her sides when Jameson moved. His arms wrap around my neck, and as tightly as I hold him, it isn’t enough.
I inch forward and press my fingers against her neck. Nothing. Not one single thud. This isn’t happening.
“Dec!” I roar as I keep one arm around J. His face is pressed into my neck.
“Declan!” I yell again until I hear footsteps. Declan rounds the car and stands there staring at her lifeless body. He quickly shakes himself out of it and drops down to check her pulse, much the same as I did. When he doesn’t feel anything, he rips the front of her shirt open. His eyes go wide, and when he looks at me, I know it’s over. I know she’s gone.
“Tic.”
He says my name, but I brush him off. I don’t need him to say it. I don’t need to hear he’s sorry.
I hold J closer so that he doesn’t have to see her like this. He doesn’t have to see what I’ve done to her. I caused this. If I would have just stayed away from her from the beginning none of this would be happening now.
“Dad?” I look up at Dec with so much pain inside of me. It’s a physical pain. My chest hurts. My heart hurts.
“No.”
The one word that could cement this day into my brain forever. How did I let this happen? How was I so fucking selfish? I sit next to Ash and pull her head to my free shoulder. I run my fingers through her hair as tears spill down my face.
“I never wanted this for you. Why did you get out of the van?” I scream as I hold Jameson a little tighter in my arms. I don’t want to let him go, but I want to hold her too. This is what we were supposed to be doing. We were supposed to be here together holding him. Not her lying in my arms breathless. She should be hugging our son. The son that she promised to help me take care of. The son that she deserved to have. I can hear commotion behind me, and it’s not until I see Mayhem that I know it was him. His eyes are red from crying, but when he looks down at Ash, he loses it again.
“Goddamn it! I will kill them all over again!” he roars. I watch him lose himself and fall to his knees in front of me. The rest of the guys carry my dad’s lifeless body past me, and I’m lost. He was everything. He was a leader. He was a father. He was our president. He made sure that Mayhem, Dec, and I were taken care of when no one else wanted us, and now he’s gone. The man I held in such high regard is gone.
“Dec, take him,” I say as the sobs catch in my throat. As much as I need my son in my arms right now, I need take Ashley home. Declan moves to grab J as I lift her body in my arms. I don’t think I’ve ever cried the way that I am now. For the loss of a woman as pure and innocent as Ashley. For the loss of a man as stoic as my father. It’s all too much to handle and accept right now. It’s all surreal. The lives that will be completely altered by this is on my conscience. I know that this is going to hit not only us but Brooke, Kenderly – all of them. I hate myself right now. I hate myself for letting Ashley into my life that first day. I hate myself for letting her make her way into my heart.
I carry her to the van and climb in the back as Mayhem sits across from me with our dad in his arms. Nothing is going to be right after this. Nothing is going to make sense. It’s all a big fucking mess that I’ve created. I tore this family apart, person by person. I brought them into my world just to have them ripped away from me.
I’m a fucking monster, and I will never forgive myself for what I’ve done to them. The van shakes and shifts as Nuts drives us back to the clubhouse. I’m not sure what I feel right now. I don’t know if I feel anything. For the most part, I’m numb. She saved him. She saved my son. When Dana heard him moving behind her, she didn’t look before she pulled the trigger. She must have thought one of the guys was behind her. She didn’t think, she just shot. If Ashley hadn’t taken that bullet, Jameson would be dead right now. Is it wrong to be thankful for that? Is it wrong to be happy that my son wasn’t on the receiving end
of the bullet? It feels wrong but still it feels right.
I look down at how peaceful her face looks right now. How content she seems. I wonder if she was with J in her arms. I wonder if she cherished those last few minutes of her life with him.
Chapter 33
Tic
One year later
The feeling in the club has changed over the last year. Declan stepped up as the President, much like we knew he would. They tried to vote me in as VP, but I couldn’t do it. I didn’t have it in me. At first, I was so lost I didn’t know which way to turn. Losing two of the most important people in my life took more out of me than I’d imagined it would. I missed her. I still do. She was everything good in this world. She was the light when the world was dark. Her death changed me. It made me realize just how precious life is.
Losing my dad, hell that was just as hard. Not just for me either. The whole club shifted after that. Kenderly locked herself away from the world. I always knew something was going on between them, but I never thought it went that deep. Brooke hated me for a long time. It took her months to come around, but when she was with Jameson, I could see the light in her eyes.
Everything became too much. I’ve toughed it out for as long as I could, but this is it. This is the point when I have to walk away. I’m not leaving California, this is my home, but I do need some space. A three-hour drive doesn’t seem like much, but it’s enough to let me sort my shit out.
“Are you sure you want to go? There’s no pressure, darlin’,” I tell Kenderly. Her smile tugs at my heart. She’s so innocent. Much like Ash was. Over the last year, Kenderly and I have gotten a lot closer. She’s been the shoulder I’ve needed to cry on. She’s been the rock that keeps me grounded, but I’ve also been the same for her.
“I’m sure, Tic. Stop asking me. If you don’t want me to go, I understand,” she says shyly.
