“I appreciate the support you’ve both given me, but I’m stronger, and I believe it’s important that I get out of Ryan’s life.” Leigh started to object, but Emma held up a hand to stop her. “I believe it’s important to me and to Andy. I won’t allow my daughter to be an also-ran in her father’s heart.”
“I’m sure he’d come to love her,” Leigh said, anguish in her voice.
Emma tried to smile, but it was too hard. “We’ll be fine. I’ll take it easy for another week. That should be plenty of time. I have enough money saved to take care of that, especially since Ryan paid all my hospital bills.”
She didn’t have all that much to pack. Andy’s things didn’t take up a lot of room, and she’d mostly worn her robe and nightgowns since she arrived. Only today had she actually dressed. “I think that’s all. If you don’t think Ryan will mind, I’ll take those disposable diapers with me.”
“You take whatever you need,” Leigh said, “and I’ll be bringing you some food tomorrow, so I’ll pick up some more diapers.”
“Mrs. Nix, I don’t want to cause any problems between you and Ryan. We’ll be fine.”
“Yes, you will, because I’m going to see to it. And call me Leigh.”
“Are you sure you don’t mind driving me to town?”
“Jack and I are going to drive you,” Beth said. “Mom and Dad are going to take Jackson on home.”
“Are you sure, Beth? You’re not too tired?”
“I’m sure. I’m just sorry my brother is so blind he can’t see what he’s giving up.”
Emma hugged her. “It’s not Ryan’s fault that he doesn’t love us, Beth. Don’t be angry with him.”
The door to her room swung open and Ryan charged in. “Emma, you’re not leaving.”
Much to Emma’s surprise, Leigh stepped between her son and Emma and said, “You have no say in the matter. You can’t keep her here like a prisoner.”
Ryan frowned ferociously at his mother. “She’s not a prisoner. But there’s no need for her to go. We’re getting married.”
Emma couldn’t have been more stunned if he’d slapped her. Then tears gathered in her eyes. There was her dream on a big plate in front of her. All she had to do was say okay, and she’d have a family for her and Andy. A father for her child.
And she had to say no.
Because the offer had no substance. He didn’t love them or want them. He wanted Merilee and Ryan, Jr.
“We’ll get married as soon as you’re ready,” he continued. “I’m fine with next week, but if you want to wait until we can have a big wedding, that’s okay, too.”
“No,” she said softly, and picked up the one bag she’d packed.
“Don’t carry that, Emma. Jack will get it,” Beth urged.
“What do you mean, no?” Ryan questioned at the same time, anger filling him.
“I can’t marry you, Ryan, but thank you for asking. Beth, would you call Jack, then? I’m ready to go as soon as I get Andy from her crib.”
Ryan blocked the doorway. “I thought marriage is what you wanted? We’ll be a family. You said you wanted a family.”
Emma’s tears dried up. She was faced with a hardheaded man unwilling to be honest with either her or himself. If she didn’t make things clear tonight, she’d have him on her doorstep in the morning. She wanted to end the emotional roller coaster now.
“Why are you offering to marry me, Ryan?”
“That’s a dumb question. We have a child,” he snapped.
Beth moaned, and Emma wanted to. It was a good thing she’d realized how Ryan felt. “A marriage is more than a responsibility. I don’t intend to hide Andy from you. But I won’t make a loveless marriage for her either. I knew you didn’t want her. I didn’t tell you about her early on because I was afraid you’d insist on an abortion.”
Everyone gasped except Emma.
“When I made that decision, I knew that meant I had to be responsible for my child. I promise you Andy will be happy. You don’t have to worry.”
She tried to walk past him, but he blocked her way, taking her by the arms. “You’re being ridiculous, Emma. We can make this work. Just because I love—was married before doesn’t mean I can’t remarry.”
Emma stared at the handsome, good man standing before her. She loved him so much. But he felt nothing for her, and that kind of marriage wouldn’t work.
“I hope you will remarry one day, Ryan, when you find someone you can love. But until then, I wouldn’t advise it. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m tired.”
The look of disbelief on his face made her want to hold him close, to assure him she’d do whatever he wanted. But she couldn’t. She might be alone in the world, but she’d learned how to take care of herself. And she’d do the same for Andy. They’d be fine.
“Ryan,” his mother prompted.
He stared blindly at her, as if he had no idea who she was. Emma took the opportunity to slip past him to the room across the hall. Andy was sleeping, wrapped in a little pink blanket. She lifted her daughter and wrapped a bigger blanket around her. Then she picked up the diaper bag and turned around.
Ryan was standing in the doorway watching her. “Don’t take her away,” he said hoarsely, softly.
“I have to,” she told him, her voice gentle. “She can’t grow up competing with a ghost. She’s not your son. But she’s a beautiful baby, my baby, and I want her to know that.”
“She’s my baby, too!”
“Only if you want her to be. You have to decide that, Ryan, but I won’t keep her from you. If you want to see her, you know where I live.” For right now. She knew she’d have to move away as soon as she could manage, or she’d suffer too much heartache.
She pushed past him, and Leigh took the diaper bag from her. Beth had gone to the kitchen to summon Jack and they were coming out of Emma’s bedroom.
“Ready?” Beth whispered, her gaze darting between Emma and her brother.
Emma nodded and hurried to the kitchen. There she made a tearful goodbye to Billy and Ryan’s father, who’d come back into the house.
“Anything you need, Emma, let me know,” Joe said, and Emma blinked back the tears.
“Thank you, but we’ll be fine.”
Then she hurried outside, leaving behind the only man she’d ever loved.
From a full house, suddenly Ryan was standing in an empty one. Billy was still there, but he was silent. Even if his family had remained, he realized, with sudden clarity, it would still be empty without Emma and Andy.
What was he going to do?
“You want some of that dessert your mama fixed?” Billy asked, his back to him, his voice gruff.
Ryan stared at him as if he was crazy. “No, damn it, I don’t want dessert. I said I’d marry her! Why was that a bad thing? It’s what she wanted when she talked to me last October. So I agreed! And she walks out? She’s crazy. Good riddance!”
Billy had been rinsing the dishes and loading the dishwasher. He never left the kitchen dirty before going to bed. But he spun around, glaring at Ryan. “I didn’t know you could be so dumb!” he yelled. Then he walked out of the kitchen. Ryan heard his bedroom door slam a few seconds later.
Everyone blamed him because Emma’d left? Hell, it was her decision. He hadn’t wanted her to go. He’d said he’d marry her, take care of her and Andy. And she’d thrown it back in his face.
His father’s words replayed in his head. Okay, so he hadn’t proposed, exactly. He’d said the words, but he hadn’t held her in the moonlight. Or offered her a ring. But, damn it, the circumstances were different. They had a baby! Sweet little Andy needed someone to take care of her!
He began pacing the kitchen, going through the events of the evening. Trying to find a way to make his plans work. He thought about how happy he’d been when he’d ridden home. How sure he’d been that he’d found happiness again.
He’d been satisfied that Merilee would understand. That she and Ryan, Jr., would nod, knowing they’d still
be first in his heart. But he had to do the responsible thing.
And if he married Emma, he couldn’t refuse to share her bed. Merilee wouldn’t expect that of him. He could make love to her, as he did last fall. After all, a man had his needs. And she would be his wife.
Why was she causing so much difficulty? Why was she ruining everything?
He found no answers, so he kept pacing.
When Billy entered the kitchen the next morning early, to finish his work from last night, he discovered Ryan still there, sitting with his head on the table, his eyes closed.
“You stay up all night?” he asked, still angry at his boss because of Emma and the baby, but loving him like a favorite nephew, as he always had.
Ryan snapped his head up and blinked furiously. “What time is it?” he growled.
“Half past five. You want breakfast?”
Ryan ran both hands through his hair, hoping to ease the pounding in his head. He’d had a plan last night, at some point. What was it?
Oh, yeah, he was going to see Emma and explain how silly she was being. He was going to propose marriage again. He hadn’t explained it right. She probably thought he intended to treat her like a sister. But she was wrong.
He couldn’t go yet. It was too early. “Uh, I’m going to go take a nap. Wake me at eight. I’ll eat then.” He sure wasn’t going to explain his plan to Billy. He was on Emma’s side, though Ryan had a hard time figuring out what that side was.
Besides, he was the boss. He could have breakfast at eight if that was what he wanted to do. “Call Baxter and tell him I won’t be joining him today.”
Baxter and the cowboys could work without him. The man was a good manager.
“Okay.” Billy stood staring at him, and Ryan couldn’t stand the accusation in his cook’s eyes.
“I’m going upstairs,” he said stiffly, with none of the easy camaraderie he and Billy used to share.
Billy didn’t respond. But after the door had swung to behind Ryan, he stood there, his hands on his hips and shook his head sadly from side to side.
Emma didn’t waken until Andy’s eight o’clock feeding. Her baby was establishing a routine that made it easier to plan. Every four hours she wanted to eat.
When Emma had left the hospital, the nurses had warned that Andy might need to eat more often because she was so little. And at first she had demanded her mother every two hours. But in the week and a half since, the time had stretched out to four hours.
She rolled out of bed and hurried to the nursery. “Good morning, sweetie. Mom’s here.” Mom and no one else. She missed the knowledge that there was always someone around to help out. To reassure her. To call for help if she needed it.
She stiffened her shoulders, determined to live with her decision. “Ready for a diaper change?” She took care of that job, then scooped Andy up to her shoulder and settled in the rocking chair she’d found at a garage sale right after she’d found out she was pregnant.
Only after Andy was fed, burped and tucked back into bed did Emma manage to feed herself. A box of toaster pastries, half-empty, was in her pantry. She’d definitely have to shop today. For milk if nothing else.
She was munching on her sparse breakfast, sipping some caffeine-free hot tea, when someone knocked on her door. She didn’t even have her robe on. At least she was sure her visitor was not Ryan, but she didn’t want anyone to see her with her hair all a mess and only her nightgown on.
“Just a minute,” she called and hurried to her bedroom. Slipping on the robe, she smoothed her hair and returned to the front door. “Who is it?”
“Leigh and Joe,” Ryan’s mother called.
Emma hurriedly unlocked the door and let them in. They both had their arms full of groceries.
“What are you—” she began, but Leigh, followed by Joe, went past her to the kitchen. When she followed them, Leigh was filling her pantry.
“You didn’t need to bring me groceries,” she protested, embarrassed by their generosity.
“I realized you probably didn’t have any milk, Emma, and I guess I got carried away,” Leigh said with a disarming smile. “Joe always complains about my shopping.”
“How are you, Emma?” Joe asked, smiling at her.
“I’m fine. Andy’s in her crib, but I think she’s still awake if you want to see her.”
“Oh, Joe, go get her and bring her in here while I fix breakfast,” Leigh said. Then she looked at Emma. “If you don’t mind?”
“I don’t mind you seeing Andy, but I just fixed my breakfast.”
Leigh leaned around her and looked at the small table in the next room. “That’s not enough breakfast when you’re nursing a baby, dear. Besides, Joe and I haven’t eaten either. You go sit down and I’ll whip something up.”
Joe came back in, holding Andy, a beaming smile on his face. “She sure is a good baby,” he said, tilting his arms so his wife could see Andy’s little face.
Emma couldn’t help smiling. She loved compliments about Andy.
“You and Emma go sit down, Joe. She shouldn’t be standing around.” Leigh opened a package of eggs and took down a mixing bowl.
“Come on, Emma,” Joe said. “We’ll sit at the table and you can finish your tea while we wait for breakfast.”
“Yes,” Leigh agreed, but she set the mixing bowl on the counter and dashed to the table to take Emma’s plate. “I’ll just throw these nasty things out, though.”
Emma opened her mouth to protest, but Joe shook his head. “Taking care of you makes her feel better, Emma, if you don’t mind.”
“Of course I don’t mind, but it’s not necessary. Coming back here was my decision.” She didn’t want them feeling guilty about her and Andy, any more than she wanted Ryan to feel “responsible.”
But since she couldn’t deny Leigh this morning, she sat down, realizing she was already tired. Maybe because she hadn’t slept well last night. Ryan wasn’t the only one with something to mourn.
“That was a wonderful breakfast, Leigh, and I thank you and Joe for the groceries,” Emma said after they’d lingered over a big breakfast, “but the two of you mustn’t feel sorry for me, or think that you have to take care of me. Andy and I will be fine.”
“Of course you will be,” Leigh agreed, “but I intend to be part of my grandchild’s life, if you’ll let me, Emma. And I consider you to be my daughter.”
Emma blinked rapidly. Darn, she’d promised herself she’d be strong. “I don’t want to cause any problems between you and Ryan. I’d never keep you from Andy. But I think—”
Joe interrupted. “Emma, we love our son. That doesn’t mean we think he’s made the right decision. Unfortunately, he has to fight his way through this. Until he does, we intend to make sure you’re okay.”
Emma swallowed a lump in her throat. “Don’t convince yourself he’ll change his mind,” she said softly. “He doesn’t love me, and that’s not his fault. If anything, it’s all my fault because I—I slept with him before I realized how he felt.”
Joe stood and began gathering the dirty dishes. “We’ll play it by ear. In the meantime, you go get in bed and rest while we clean up.”
“Don’t you dare protest,” Leigh added. “I haven’t seen Joe volunteer for dish duty in a long time. I’m going to enjoy this!”
After those words, Emma had no choice. With a thanks, she rose to go back to her bedroom. A knock on the door stopped her.
“Beth? Surely she’s not trying to help, too?” she said, looking at Joe and Leigh.
“Emma?” Ryan’s voice came through the door.
All three of them froze. Then Joe set down the dishes he’d picked up.
“Want me to get it?” he asked.
Emma nodded, unable to speak.
Joe swung open the door.
Ryan stared at his father, then looked over Joe’s shoulder to see Emma and his mother. “Damn it, what are you two doing here? Is this a conspiracy to make sure I don’t get to talk to Emma alone?”
<
br /> Chapter Eleven
Joe Nix ignored his son’s protest and turned to Emma. “Do you want to invite him in or send him away?”
Emma bit her bottom lip to avoid smiling at Ryan’s outraged expression. “He can come in. I told him he could see Andy.”
“I’m not here to see Andy! I’m here to see you!”
Before Emma could respond, Leigh grabbed Joe’s arm and said, “We’ll be in the kitchen cleaning up, Emma. Call if you need us.”
Since there was no door between the kitchen and the living area, there wouldn’t be a lot of privacy, which was a good thing. One look at Ryan had her heart aching to comfort him. His eyes were bleary, his face drawn, as if he’d suffered.
“We can’t talk here. Let’s go to the bedroom,” Ryan said, grabbing her hand and starting in that direction.
“No! We can talk quietly,” she said, resisting. “Besides, we have nothing to talk about.”
“Yes, we do. You misunderstood me yesterday. It took me a while to figure out what was wrong, but I finally did.”
“You did? I thought I’d explained it.”
“Yes, but I knew it had to be something, because I was offering you just what you asked for last October. That’s why I was upset. Things weren’t making sense to me. But now I understand.”
Emma backed away from him. She was pretty sure she understood everything a lot more than Ryan did. And he wasn’t going to be happy. “So explain it to me.”
He shot a frustrated look toward the kitchen. They both could hear his parents talking as they cleaned.
“Damn it, Emma, I don’t want them to overhear.”
“If you talk quietly, they won’t.” She crossed her arms over her chest and waited.
“It’s not like you thought. I didn’t mean we’d live together like—like brother and sister.” His face reddened but he kept his gaze on her.
Emma blinked several times, processing his words. He thought she—that thought had never entered her head. Even when he’d thrown her out, vowing never to see her again, she’d known he still wanted her. Their intimacy had been incredible. She knew that, even as inexperienced as she was, because of Ryan’s reaction.
“We’re good together,” Ryan continued. “That part was never a problem. I mean, anyone can understand my having a—a relationship. I’m a man and men need—you know.”
Newborn Daddy (The Baby Secret) Page 11
