by James Hirt
A Tour Of The Abyss
James Hirt
Copyright James Hirt 2012
To the reader,
This is a collection of writings I have selected from a large pool, which I have produced over many years. I used these as a vehicle for what I was feeling after experiencing an extremely devastating time in my life. This is the reason for the title ‘A Tour Of The Abyss’. This was therapy and I never intended to share these. I finally did share these with just one person. This person encouraged me and never placed judgment on me and would tell me if he did or didn’t like them. He was and is a true friend. He knows who he is, a great and top quality human being. Later I began to share them with my mother who is a lover of poetry. She accepted them for what they were and gave me good response on them whether she liked them or not. She, also, is a top quality human being and I have to thank her for always being there and helping me more that she will ever know. She is the model of consistency. I must also thank my father. He is eternally supportive of me and he has been an exemplary role model on what it is to be a good man. I hope these promote thought, discussion, or some sort of reaction.
Thanks for reading,
316
My voice has been put here as a warning
Foretelling of the fall of man
I have in me a special someone
My gift is for the chosen few
I know these things because…
Because that’s what was revealed…
Revealed through what I was told…
Told to me by someone like me
(That’s what I wanted to hear)
Heed my warning lowly sinner
Your humble servant, I must decrease
Power-hungry reprobate
Surrender…
(I want to rule your life)
Through my sacrifice I must exalt him
Through self-denial we become as one
Listen to me wandering heathen
Receive…
(Spiritual lobotomy)
Through my lowly humble offering
I will give of all my time
Speak for him to set straight the evildoers
With an uncompromising voice
(Superstitious elitist)
My pervading friend speaks through me
His compassion meets you where you are
As long as you throw out and recant
Throw out…
(Tradition, culture, creed)
I will persuade you with my pious mien
Thank god I’m not like you
Listen and I’ll set you free
You need to be just like me
Just like me
(Dogma of death)
Every attack that you mount against me
The words, jeers, down to the rolling eyes
Proof that your are not of the elect
These are your ticket to hell
Because you don’t line up
(Chosen delusion)
My fervor stronger; warming my voice
To tell you of your errant ways
Because (my) truth is exclusive
And I am here for you, in his name
Warming my voice
(Pith of arrogance)
A New Normal
I need a new normal
A place where I can rest
Relaxed and informal
And not always at my best
Ethereal
Illusive
Immaterial
Inconclusive
Exhausting my options
Tired of looking
What’s my true function?
Losing my footing
Concessions
Stipulations
Suppression
Frustrations
This might be my new normal
Maybe I’ve just not accepted
Emotional shifts into corporal
Lucidity intercepted
Hopelessness
Futility
Bottomless
Nihility
Will time dull the edge?
I’ve nothing left to look to
With every painful parting word that’s said
It’s the spiraling downward of the fool
Alone
Setting barriers which shouldn’t be breached
A hiatus from life’s din
Seeking solace from the writer
Time to sort, line up, and check off
This is my solo campaign
Long, costly, and drawn out
No chance for a covert attack
Only the stricken sleep with this enemy
The chimeric catholicon
Fictive and otiose
Analyze and weigh in
This is war
My only ally the author
All others at ease
I need a longer leash
No need for the watchful eye
Periodic vacillation is the model
Raise the eyebrow and I’ll cut you down
This is your cue to fall back
Worry is distrust
Enjoy and merge in the good
Don’t wait for the other shoe
Fade without dispute
When the Hydra ascends
Place trust in my strategies
Our esprit de corps will refresh
Like a cool breeze
Trust and look the other way
At a loss
Love
Admiration
Respect
Satiated needs
How do these merits repel?
There’s a glitch in the system
A rife and egregious spell
Repine, lament, and only listen
Opposites attract
Shift and lock into place
This the question of fact
At best now a hollow embrace
Twisting the facile
Into a fatuous gnarl
The smile superficial
Dichotomous sorrow
No longer now tethered
Floating about in a dither
Psyche and soul quite weathered
I’ve lost my aplomb altogether
Death spiral
Death rattle
Truth is now guile
In your garrulous prattle
Can this plight be emended?
Effort reeks of futility
Asocially distended
Lost palatability
Believe
Programmed at the youngest age
Unquestioning accidence
Drinking in every chapter and page
Yet nothing but empirical silence
Get to know me yet with nowhere to start
Mysterious deistical existence
Worship me with your whole heart
Base your life on mythological reference
I created you and I reign above
Eternal torment if you’re not in the fold
Never forget that I’m a god of love
Don’t question it; Do what you’re told
Murder, rape, incest, and genocide
All has been done in my name
Go ahead and take a long look
It’s all right there in my own “holy” book
Anthropopathisms:
The words of accommodation?
Helping you to understand?
Why the difference in each congregation?
Isagogics, Exegetics, Categories
The intellectual approach
I am concomitant with something chimerical
Yet my existence is beyond reproach
Mercy is mandated if you belong to me
Yet this is not my example
The last thin
g I want is you to be free
I need your life in a shambles
I require your devotion
You must keep my statutes
Stay high on emotion
That’s just how I want you
Don’t look too close
You’ll find I’m a lie
I’m really the puppet
With nothing
Nihility
Nothing
Boundaries
Emotion opens the mouth
Embellish and run with it
Reputations run south
Addendums loosely knit
The fragile circle
All but irreparable
The bond though unspoken
One is still accountable
Levels of trust
Beg levels of vulnerability
Certain matters better not discussed
To return is to exercise futility
The compulsion to air it out
Comes from lack of boundaries
Many ears beyond any doubt
Confirm sliding faculties
Reciprocation has a vicious bite
The die has been cast
Though this might make one contrite
Through the prolix mouth the stigmas are passed
Reticence is a bastion
Where protection and control abide
The mouth is governed by volition
Let self-respect and restraint coincide
Chasm
Chasmal mind
Frantically groping
Inner eye blind
Delusively hoping
Muddy thinking
I’m in a terrible stew
Incessantly shrinking
Spiraling down to the piceous hue
Abrading the nethermost
Crawling and dragging
Consorting with ghosts
Sagacity aborting
Waves of isolation
Crash on my soul
Crippled foundation
Second guessing my role
Bearing down
Straining to focus
On what I’ve found
Yet I’m nonplussed
Can I pass this crucible?
The test of fire
Every turn is abysmal
The scenery dire
Collapse
No life beyond a broken promise
Imbalance and premeditation collide
Dour outlook on which you subsist
Lucidity; your darkness chides
Halcyon days forgotten
Steeped in deep regret
The fruit of innocence now rotten
Your reward; a sure bet
Alienation befriends you
A knee-jerk self-absorption
Self-dialogues misconstrued
You are your own hired gun
Clouded psyche
Choler in the air
Death to esprit
Vows to forswear
Darkest of days
Dissonant elegy
Having its way
Self-loathing’s penalty
Common Origin
Evisceration
The noose
Asphyxiation
Disuse
Pardon me, but I must
Think this thing out
Quickly I must readjust
But for now my wishes are devout
Infection
Disembowel
Immolation
Throw in the towel
What have I become?
The men in black have come to call
To what device shall I succumb?
I keep the time on my cell wall
Parasitic
Blunt force trauma
Anaphylaxis
Say hello to your mama
A common origin
But I’ve let the hounds loose
Not the original but actual sin
I enjoy it, there’s no excuse
Pondering
Self-examination
Wondering
Fixation
Confront
Endeavor to subdue
Bracing on a slippery slope
Ready myself for permission’s debut
Courting resolve to cut the rope
Slapdash direction
Ethereal solutions with nowhere to land
Two wills in the throes of insurrection
Black listed from our native land
Hounds on the hunt
Closing in with ferocity teeming
Bearing down on a common front
Coming to grips as the pendulum swings
The common bond
Frays to a thread
For what once was longed
Is raising death’s head
Impassable rampart
Castigation in a closed loop
The end comes before the start
Is the entire account a fluke?
Dredging the bottom
For the illusory find
Hope but a phantom
Births lucidity of mind
Does It?
Does it come to visit often?
Does it turn up just in time?
This thing has your number
I can hear your elegy chime
Does it help you to remember?
Does it give what you don’t have?
You’d even settle for pretender
No one there on your behalf
Does it catch up to you quickly?
Can you shake it? Tear away?
Tantamount to infamy
Your life, the quintessence of shame
Does it assuage your guilty recall?
Does it foster sublimation?
Does it remind that you’ve lost it all?
Does it give evaluation?
I wish on you your greatest horror
Short of breath and cowering
Cannot swim and far from shore
Having all I’d give you nothing
I hope that you have no hope at all
Wade in the mire of affliction
I’m looking forward to your fall
My odium for you is addiction
Karma’s levied its judgment on you
Can’t escape its puissant hold
Surfacing now only what is true
Ruthless suffering please don’t withhold
I have sequestered all emotion
Looked the other way ‘til now
In your ruin is my devotion
If asked of you I’ll disavow
I will let you suffer in despair
This is my hell bent farewell to you
To my level of hatred you’re still unaware
FUCK YOU!
Exile
Digging for what may already be gone
Can I recall just where I left this?
Once gone can it be reclaimed?
Is there a substitute, which satisfies?
Am I contriving feelings?
Which will educe more malaise
Am I not at the right angle?
Do I need to reexamine once again?
Reticence is not always the safe course
Nor is the prolix mouth
Pensiveness, contemplation, reflection
Work through this to an end
Look inside the old man
Cut through the pretense of others’ help
What’s right for one is not for the next
Pull from the primary
Emotion, feeling, and agitation
Move me farther from the goal
Ignorance effectuates fear
Fear ostracizes
Chosen exile with everyone I need
Allow actions to serve their purpose
Drawing from the throes of your emotion
Fifth column of the ratiocinatory mind
Eyes Closed
Requested reentry
Into the void
Defensive amnesia<
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Expunges pain and regret for now
Short sighted
Self-absorbed
Denial exudes from every pore
Clueless
Aloof
I’d choose evisceration
Rather than take this tour again
Frustrated with a victim’s bad blood
Point the finger
Though you broke faith
Ride that into the ground
Look from afar
Taciturn mouth
Unfurl the mind
Turn away with hope
Arms ready to open
Relaxed veneer
Tremble inside
Fear of banishment
Bated breath
Light at the end
Follow
Trust
Flood
Out of control use and abuse
Memories flood what’s the excuse
Caringly desensitized
Family ties are jeopardized
Highest highs and the lowest lows
Conclusions you drew no one knows
Been held hostage self-induced strife
A diet of pain, the pseudo-life
The flood it comes mercy for none
The strong deal with but I count you as done
The floodgates break without warning
Healing comes with strength and mourning
Looking back now do you see the damage?
You’ve kept on and on how do you manage?
Your heart says one thing but your mouth says another
Subjugating your life the demons that smother
For You
This is for you
Blameless casualties
Tell me what I can do
Your emotional amputee
Shock, disbelief
Depression, angst
Always in the forefront
Still obsession overwhelms
Questions left unanswered
Surreal storyline
Not armed to fight this battle
Yet taking on friendly fire
Guilt
Your joy absconded
Fear
The unknown
Creates the living dead
Days hang
As time scrapes
Hoping for change
Yet deep resentment takes shape
Hopelessness seethes
Flirt with the edge
Not to bereave
Still chained to a grudge
Band of brothers
Rebuild
Uphold
Strengthen
Unfurling this mind-fuck
Taking primacy
Lacking a guidebook
To oppugn this apostasy
Fraud
I am a fraud
Full of deceit, a lie
Go ahead and judge
It doesn’t apply
I look at myself
My true enemy
You’re better off
If you don’t get to know me
Whatever you like
I’ll wear for you any face
No matter what you see
I’ve a soul that’s debase
The id and the ego
Battle for foundation
Let the latter go
And ease all frustration
Categorize me
Then you label
Goodness in me
Is just a fable
Don’t look to me
There’s nothing to admire
You already know
I’m a goddamn liar
Forgive
Sanity
How long will you wait for me?
In short spots coping passably
I’m unable to shake this negative energy
Forgiveness
Can I really move past these injustices?
How does one sidestep this?
Anger creeps in when saying goodbye to the guiltless
Without what has already been done
I wouldn’t watch them wane from my sight
Anger is healthy but for just a short run
Loathing, though, steps in if anger’s not shaken outright
This emotion is like wearing a bad suit
As I watch them leave I wear it yet again
It’s out of style and doesn’t fit
But I hold this thing dear; my life’s drain
The sleeves are too short
The shoulders too tight
My true self and this do not consort
The former is now out of sight
I keep it very close
Knowing that I will don it sooner than later
With this demon I’m continually exposed
Because the enemy is my tailor
Can one really drum up a pardon?
Can one truly expunge feelings?
Is it code for suppression?
Turning a deaf ear to inner pleadings?
I am the weakling
The outlier who is incapable of this
I can’t seem to stop this profuse bleeding
Just surviving I wade in this guilty abyss
What do I tell the inner me?
Where are the tools to get it done?
I know that nobody rides for free
Dire consequences, forever, I will not outrun
Without a battle plan
I cannot hope to win this war
No use seeking comfort from myth or man
To my litany of problems this only adds more
Will I ride this into the grave?
How does a person let go?
Have I made this more than it was?
Can I hope to break its virile hold?
Have I, within myself, embellished the facts?
Is it that I’m losing touch?
At times I am consumed; that’s fact
Am I now the crazy bitch?
Get in Line
Courting others’
