Sugar Moon (Vermonters Forever)

by Ali Dean

  I take a sip and shrug. “I’m not proud of it.”

  He doesn’t look amused.

  “Or a porn star,” I add, trying to get him to laugh. “Maybe a porn director to make that kind of money. It’s not an industry I know much about.”

  Tanner doesn’t crack a smile. I guess this isn’t as humorous as I thought. We are talking about his deceased relative and dealing with all those books must be stressful.

  “I’m sorry. It must have been hard carrying this secret on your shoulders alone. Your parents know though, right?”

  “Yeah, they know. We’ve all kept it a secret, since she managed to keep it one her entire life.”

  I want to take my wine glass and curl back up on his lap, but he truly does look like he might throw up at any minute.

  He starts to get up. “Hey, I feel really bad but I think I am coming down with something. I don’t want to give it to your friends.” Our friends, I want to correct him. He’s become friends with all of us these past few months. He even works out with Jamie and Oliver sometimes without me now.

  “You should stay home. Can I get you anything? What do you need?”

  “I think I’ll just lie in bed. I don’t need anything.”

  I walk with him upstairs, because he sounds kind of despondent and it’s freaking me out a little. He gets in bed and I pull the covers over him, kissing him on the forehead like he’s a little kid and I’m his mom.

  I debate whether to go at all, but since I don’t hear anything from his room, assume he must have fallen asleep. I doubt he wants me hovering anyway if he starts throwing up, but he’s still in his bed asleep when I get home a couple hours later.

  The next morning, I’m up early to check on him and find him downstairs. He’s sitting at the counter with a smoothie, the blender already washed and dried.

  He looks even worse than yesterday, but stands up to get my smoothie from the fridge.

  “Hey.” He doesn’t sound bad, just exhausted.

  “Hey. Still feeling awful, huh?”

  “Charlie, I need to talk to you.”

  I haven’t even taken a sip of my smoothie yet but I put it down, those five words covering me in a dread so strong I’m afraid I’ll drop it.

  “What’s up?” I try for light, but my knees are a little shaky and I have to lean on the counter for support.

  “I think it’s time for me to move out.”

  My chest swallows up those words and then they sink straight down to my stomach with their weight. I can only stare at him; my vocal cords seem to have frozen over.

  “We’ve been doing this roommates-with-benefits thing for a couple months now and it just seems like a bad idea to keep doing it until I move. That’s another ten months or so from now and it will just get complicated, you know?”

  I can’t even nod. He’s not looking at me anyway. His eyes are on his hands splayed on the counter.

  “I’ve been living here since August and it’s almost the end of the year. I’m sure I can get a place at the mountain and it will be cool to do the ski-in ski-out thing for a season.”

  All of his reasons make sense, or they should. Kind of. In so many ways, this breakup should be the easiest of all. The plug had to be pulled at some point, and moving out effectively does both. But I really didn’t see it coming. I should have. I should have beat him to it. Maybe then it wouldn’t hurt so bad.

  “Charlie?” He finally looks at me.

  I know I’ve got to act like I always do during a breakup. I’ve done this dozens of times. Usually I’m the one with his lines, but I’ve got this. I’ve totally got this. Just because he’s a local doesn’t make it all that different.

  Except he’s my friend too, and we live together, and I’ve never felt this way about anyone, nothing even close. I can do this though. For the sake of living in this town with him for the rest of my life, I’ve got to dig deep and pull out that old Charlie. I imagine reaching into the depths and searching for a scarf. Why a scarf? No clue. My hand grasps it tight and tugs, pulling and pulling until it comes into the light. Ah, there she is.

  “Yeah, that makes sense.” I start walking around the kitchen, looking for something to do so I don’t have to look at him. The coffee is already made so I turn my back to him as I grab a mug and pour myself a cup. “It might be hard to get into a new place right before the holidays, they get a lot of short-term rentals, you know?” I’m trying to sound breezy, and I’ve never faked anything so hard in my life.

  “Oh yeah, I didn’t think of that.”

  “But I’m sure your parents would love to have you for Christmas if you wanted to move before then. Otherwise, you’re welcome to stay until you find something.”

  If he stays, then I’m moving in with my parents.

  “So, no hard feelings?”

  I grit my teeth. That’s my line, you asshole.

  “No, I totally get it. Roommates with benefits can’t last forever. It was great while it did though.” God, that feels like a punch in the stomach to say. It wasn’t great. It was the best two months of my life. Tanner saw me, I thought he really got me like no man has before. I thought I was chipping away and cracking that mystery of who he was. Yesterday when I learned his aunt was Virginia, I’d finally gotten the last piece of the puzzle.

  I might have been telling myself it was only the best sex of my life while it was happening, but I knew I was lying. It was so much more than that. How the hell am I going to move on from this?

  The next few days are a blur. I’ve gone through the motions of a breakup recovery process dozens of times before but this time I have no motivation. I’m stuck in the moping stage and it’s brutal. Nothing like the disgust or annoyance I usually dwell on for about thirty seconds before the “bashing” stage, when I remember why it’s a good thing it’s over.

  With the holidays around the corner, I’ve got little to no work, and that means I’m free to wander aimlessly around the house in my pajamas. Occasionally I stop to eat some Ben and Jerry’s, but then I’ll find myself remembering a moment with Tanner, forget I’m eating, and discover a melted pint in front of me an hour later.

  I’m sitting on the stairs, thinking about the time Tanner gave me a wicked smile as he came down after a shower in nothing but sweatpants. I’d ditched the dishes I was drying and gone straight for him. My lips had devoured his bare skin, tugged down those sweatpants, and found him thick and solid beneath his underwear. I’d dropped to my knees and tasted every inch of him until he’d taken control, moving behind me to a lower stair. He’d lifted up the dress I’d been wearing from work and barely remembered to grab a condom from the downstairs bathroom before taking me on my knees, right where I was now sitting.

  The memory leaves me turned on and forlorn. I’m now another Kathleen – a woman crying over Tanner Moon because she thought it meant something more to him. I can’t get enough of that man’s body, the way he savors every touch from me, each kiss. Apparently, that’s how most women who’ve been with him feel, according to Valerie. And it doesn’t mean he feels the same way. He was ready to move on before I got too attached. A sentiment I can understand, but I never anticipated being so hurt by it when on the receiving end.

  The front door swings open with a burst of cold air and in walk Mia, Morgan and Grace.

  Someone flips on a light and I squint at the brightness.

  Mia sits down beside me, and I lean into her open arms while she rubs my back. I hear Morgan and Grace talking in the kitchen and the sound of someone filling Donut’s dinner bowl.

  I last saw them on Saturday night, when Tanner was sick. Or maybe he’d only been sick of being with me.

  “What day is it?” I ask when I pull away from Mia.

  “Wednesday.”

  I stare at her. That doesn’t make sense. How is it Wednesday?

  “Tanner broke up with me on Sunday morning and moved out that day while I went on a long walk with Donut.”

  “What have you been doing since then?
”

  “I haven’t left the house.”

  “You haven’t had human contact in four days?”

  I blink, astonished at the revelation. Is that true? Has it only been me and Donut for four days?

  “What time is it?”

  “4:30. You weren’t at our meeting spot for the run. And you haven’t responded to any of our texts the past couple of days. We came straight here.”

  I look over at Grace and Morgan in the kitchen. Grace is going through my cupboards. Morgan catches my eye and walks over. “We’re ordering pizza. Do you want wine or beer?”

  I’m not sure I’ve eaten today. I probably shouldn’t drink.

  “Beer it is.” Morgan spins around with a nod and heads to my fridge.

  Grace comes over with a bag of potato chips. “Eat.”

  The three of them order me around, get me to take a shower and change, eat a real meal. And then they ask what happened.

  “He said it was time to move out before things got complicated,” I explain.

  “And what did you say?” Morgan prompts.

  “I agreed.”

  “Why would you do that?” Grace asks. Then she sighs. “Never mind.”

  “Why would he do that?” Mia asks. “Tanner is in love with you. He’d do anything for you.”

  My eyes swing to her. Mia talking openly about love and having a decisive opinion about it? That’s new. “Where is Mia and what have you done with her?” I scrutinize my friend, but she doesn’t back down.

  “His face lights up when he sees you. When you talk, he leans forward like he can’t get enough of your voice. His eyes follow you everywhere when we’re all hanging out. Tanner is attuned to you, more than I ever was.”

  Morgan clears her throat. “Yeah, where is Mia and what have you done with her?”

  Mia looks at each of us. “I’ve been watching him. I was nervous about the two of you getting together because it didn’t fit with the way either of you dated – or didn’t date – before. It made me uneasy. Have I misread everything? Because if that man is not in love with you then my ability to read people is as terrible as ever.” She gives Grace and Morgan a pleading look. “Was it not obvious to anyone else? Jamie seemed to think Tanner had it bad.”

  “He did,” Morgan says decisively. “I don’t think you were reading it wrong. I’m impressed, Mia. You nailed it as far I’m concerned.”

  “Yeah, I thought you two were couple goals,” Grace agrees. “Did you even talk about being a couple? How could he just say it was time to move out before it got complicated?”

  “I sort of started to bring it up one time at the beginning, you know, that being roommates and sleeping together could be a bad idea, but then he put his head between my legs and it never came up again.” I shrug and open another beer. “I think what you guys were seeing was pure sexual attraction between us. That’s all it was. And he was right. We couldn’t keep doing that for a year and then go our separate ways easily. I mean, look at me. My moping phase has been going on for nearly four days after living with him for a few months and sleeping together for two. Before that I think this stage lasted a record of four minutes.”

  “So, do you want to start bashing him now? Will that help?” Morgan asks.

  “No, I can’t do that.”

  Don’t ask me why.

  “Why not?” Leave it to Mia to force it out of me.

  I know I won’t be able to answer without crying, and as soon as I open my mouth, my eyes fill up. “Because I can’t think of anything I don’t like about him. I miss him too much.” I might even be in love with him.

  Grace puts her arms around me and I lean into her for comfort.

  “Did something happen?” Morgan sounds angry on my behalf. “I know we don’t know him as well as you, but what changed?”

  I wipe my eyes, and shake my head. “I don’t know, maybe he had some arbitrary timeline in his mind.” But I’m remembering the paper I found in his printer, and the name on it. The secret he’d been forced to disclose to me. He’d been keeping that from me, and while I understood why, it hurt a little that he only told me because I’d stumbled on evidence.

  Maybe by giving over that last piece of the puzzle, he felt too exposed? It wasn’t as if it was anything shameful, so I have a hard time believing it has anything to do with him moving out.

  “Or maybe, he’s scared to fall in love,” Grace says softly.

  “Charlie can be kind of scary,” Mia adds.

  “I think I’ll train for the marathon with you,” I tell her. “You guys want to do it too?” I ask Grace and Morgan.

  “Nope.” Morgan doesn’t hesitate.

  “I’ll keep coming to Wednesday runs but no thanks on more than six miles ever again,” Grace says.

  “And maybe I’ll take up reading, too.” I’ve got the strongest desire to dig into Virginia Rose’s words. I get the sense he barely knew her, but maybe it will help me understand Tanner better, or make me feel closer to him. Silly, I know, but it doesn’t stop me from going to the library the next day and checking out the first book in Virginia’s very first series.

  When I sit in an armchair in the corner of the library for three hours straight immersed in the book, I almost forget myself and text Tanner to brag. Three hours! My butt is numb when I stand up to stretch. Jane wasn’t exaggerating one bit. There’s something about Virginia Rose’s words, her characters, the world she’s built. I can’t get enough. I want to be in it. And while I know I’m probably imagining it, there’s something familiar going on when I’m reading. I do feel closer to Tanner somehow. When I sit back down to keep reading, I can almost pretend like I’m sitting in his lap, with his strong arms around me and his chin resting on the top of my head.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Tanner

  I’d almost told her the truth. I should have from the beginning. But now I’d dug myself a hole too deep, and I knew it was over either way. There was no way to escape being an asshole, but I couldn’t have expected her reaction. I should have. But I’d somehow convinced myself I was different from the Tophers of her past. She’d never said anything to make me think that, I’d just conjured it up. Just because being with her meant so much to me, didn’t mean it was the same for her.

  It wasn’t as if I’d expected her to beg me not to leave. I’d worded it so that wasn’t an option. But I didn’t expect her to totally brush it off with no reaction whatsoever either. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, and I should be relieved I apparently hadn’t, but instead I felt even shittier.

  I’d made assumptions based on our physical chemistry. I didn’t think we could want each other like we did and not feel more. But what did I know? I’d never been with the same woman for two months, never lived with a woman. She’d never lived with a guy either, as far as I knew, but moving on after a month or two was how Charlie handled her relationships. Hell, she was probably thinking of cutting me loose soon herself. I was just another Topher to her, and that nearly destroyed me.

  I didn’t see her, or much of anyone, for a month. Aside from a New Year’s Eve gig I couldn’t bail on, I mostly holed up in my apartment, writing and sulking. I barely took advantage of having the slopes right out my front door.

  It was late January before I saw Charlie again, and there was no way I could get out of talking to her. We were running in opposite directions on Clover Road, a farm road near the mountain that must have been eight or nine miles from her house. Probably ten if she took back roads. What was she doing out here? It was definitely her body silhouetted against the snowy road and cloudy sky, I wouldn’t mistake those legs in running tights.

  I slowed, suddenly desperate to talk to her, to see how she was doing.

  We met in the middle of the road. “Hey, I can’t stop or my muscles will freeze and I’ll never make it home. Run with me?”

  That was Charlie, still the little energizer bunny.

  “Don’t tell me you ran all the way out here. How are you planning to get h
ome?”

  “I’m training for a marathon. This will be my longest run yet.”

  “Really?” Was this part of her breakup recovery cycle? I was now part of a cycle and that was one blow to the chest. “When’s the marathon?”

  “Not until May. The same one we did the relay at last spring. Mia’s doing it too.”

  “Shouldn’t you be doing your long runs with Mia?” I didn’t like her out here on these back roads in the middle of winter. Especially when she was running that kind of mileage.

  Charlie laughed. “Well, about that. I went a little rogue with the training plan. She’s all by the book, but I was ready to start running longer sooner. Jamie claims I’m going to burn out if I’m already doing twenty-mile runs, but I don’t really care. I love proving people wrong.”

  It was so damn bittersweet listening to her talk. It had that effect it always did – it filled me up with everything good that I needed in my life. But now it also made me feel emptier than ever.

  “Are you living on your own in the house or looking for another roommate?”

  “Oh, Seth ended up moving in right after Christmas.”

  You had to be kidding me. She’d ripped my heart out once with her blasé response to my breakup, and she was doing it all over again. Is this how it would be for the rest of my life?

  “I thought he was allergic to Donut.”

  “He is. It’s horrible, Tanner, the house is dogless now. I let Jamie and Mia take Donut. I mean, he was always me and Mia’s dog from the beginning.”

  “You gave up Donut so you could have a human roommate?” I couldn’t believe this. She’d been that desperate for a roommate. I’d known at the beginning it was less about me than having someone in her house, but all this hurt so bad I couldn’t see straight.

  “I guess Jamie’s paranoia started getting to me. You know it gets dark so early this time of year and I’d just freak myself out in that house at night. I lasted a week before I stayed with my parents until he moved in.”

  “I’m so sorry, Charlie. I could have stayed if you’d asked.”