A Reason to Stay

by Melissa Ellen

  I shook my head not believing her. “No.” I was not accepting what she just said. “What did the doctors say?”

  “Just stop, Ava!” My sister all the sudden screamed angrily at me. “It’s hard enough. Just stop!” Mom looked over at Jackson, signaling for him to take Emily away. He moved her in his arms and guided her to the waiting room.

  “Honey,” Mom consoled, trying to control her own tears, “That is what the doctors said. There is nothing they can do at this point. They gave him drugs, so he wouldn’t feel any pain.”

  “No. No…I don’t understand. We’re supposed to just sit here and wait for him to die?!” I screamed at her.

  She took me in her arms as we cried together for what felt like forever until Jackson and Emily returned. Emily joined our huddle, Jackson leaving us to check on my dad.

  We stood there silently until we heard my dad yelling and screaming and nurses rushing into his room. The door laid open as I watched my dad yelling and charging at something that wasn’t there. Jackson and another male nurse tried to calm him and get him to lie back down in the bed. Mom ran, leaving Emily and me together in the hallway as she went to his side, calming him with her voice.

  It seemed to work. My dad laid back down, taking her hand in his. He looked at her lovingly as she told him she loved him. His eyes closed with a smile as the steady beeping of the machine slowed and then stopped, flat lining to a constant hum.

  Nobody moved to resuscitate him. Nobody tried to save him. One of the nurses spouted off a time of death to the other before shutting the machine off, leaving us to grieve alone. Emily took my hand, guiding me into the room where mom had her head laying on my father’s chest as she cried. We all surrounded her, shedding our own tears at the loss of the bravest, strongest, most loving man we ever knew.

  I don’t know what happened after that moment. The moment he left us forever. I blacked out, spending the next few days as a soulless corpse just going through the motions with no thought and no understanding. I couldn’t even say whether I had ate or slept in days. I wasn’t alive. I was dead. My heart had been ripped away from me in more ways than one. There was no repairing it after the two losses of that night.

  I was sitting in the back of a limo with my family, all dressed in black and silently crying to themselves. I wasn’t crying. I couldn’t cry if I wanted to. My soul was dead. I felt nothing. Numb to the world around me.

  I imagined the funeral was beautiful. I was there. I don’t really remember it. The only thing I remembered was one extravagant flower arrangement of white roses and calla lilies. I didn’t have to read the card to know who it was from. I did anyways, because I’m a masochist.

  Our deepest and heartfelt condolences for your loss.

  Your family is in our prayers

  – The Blackwood Family

  It was signed from his family. If they knew, that meant he knew. He didn’t come to me. He didn’t call. He didn’t text. Nothing. He’d made his choice.

  I spent the next few weeks with my mom at home, helping her with things around the house. I’d planned to stay all summer with her, but she eventually told me to leave and get back to my life. I didn’t know how to tell her I had no life to get back to.

  When neither her, Emily, Jackson nor Nana could get me to go back to Wellesley, they called in my friends for back-up. Lizzie, Mike, and Stephen all drove in for the funeral, but I hadn’t seen or talked to them since. They had tried calling and texting, but I didn’t respond. I just wanted to stay in my dark world buried in my grief.

  Somehow, Lizzie finally managed to convince me to come back to Wellesley and pack my things. She and Mike were moving in together and to New York. Christopher had offered him a Head Executive Chef position in a new restaurant he was opening. I was truly excited for them, and it was the first time I had felt happiness in a while.

  It made me realize I needed to try my hardest to move forward. It also made me realize which university I was going to choose for graduate school. I had been accepted into every one I had applied to. I needed a new start. I needed to get as far away from all the memories as I could. I was moving to California.

  I stood in front of my childhood home, hugging my family. My friends were waiting in the car to take me back to Wellesley to pack.

  “Are you sure you don’t want me to stay for the rest of the summer?” I asked my mom.

  “I’m sure. I’ll be fine. I have you sister, Jackson, Nana and all our family here. You don’t need to worry about me,” she gave me another hug.

  “I’ll come home as often as I can,” I promised. “And you’ll come see me in California?”

  “Of course! I will at least come every winter just to get away from snowy Connecticut,” she laughed. I smiled at her. It was good to hear her laugh. I gave them all one more hug and kiss before getting into the car with my friends. I hung out the window, waving at them until they were out of sight.

  The next couple weeks I spent packing the apartment, preparing for my move to California. Stephen was going to drive with me to California. We planned to make a fun road trip out of it, and I was actually looking forward to something for the first time in a while. When we arrived to California, we would temporarily be staying with a good friend of his while I found a place to live. Stephen would stay with me there to help me move in.

  We were leaving soon to get on the road. Stephen was loading the last few boxes into my car as I was walking through the apartment, making sure I didn’t forget anything in the cabinets or drawers. Lizzie and Mike had left for New York City the week before.

  I heard the front door open and yelled to Stephen as I walked out of my bedroom, “I think this is the last box.”

  Only Stephen wasn’t the one that opened the front door.. My heart stopped or maybe it started beating again. I am not quite sure. I dropped the box to the ground, suddenly feeling too weak to hold it. Rhett stood there looking at me with a stoic expression

  We held each other’s gaze, neither of us speaking or moving. He finally broke our eye contact, looking around my empty apartment.

  “Where are you going?” he asked, still revealing nothing in his expression.

  I wanted to say ‘none of your fucking business. Get out.’ That wasn’t what my mouth said, though.

  “California.” I paused, letting it sink in. “What are you doing here, Rhett?”

  “I needed to see you.”

  “Well, now you have. You can leave.”

  “Ava,” he stepped forward to approach me.

  “No!” I screamed, taking a step back. “Don’t you dare touch me!”

  He stopped in his tracks at loss of what to do. “Ava, don’t go. Stay,” he gruffly begged, straining to maintain his composure.

  I shook my head, closing my eyes. He was messing with my mind. Why was he doing this? Why? Did he think I hadn’t hurt enough? Did he think I needed to suffer some more?

  “Why…Why should I stay?” My voice asked, pleading for answers as the tears started to sting my eyes. I didn’t think I had anymore tears to cry, but they were coming, and I couldn’t stop them. Rhett stood there, not answering. “Why?” I screamed at him. “Give me a reason, damn it! Give me a reason to stay!” I begged him to tell me what I needed to hear. As much as I hated myself for it, I wanted to stay. I wanted to be in his arms again.

  He started moving towards me to comfort me. “No!” I screamed, pushing against his chest, forcing him away from me as I stepped back. “Don’t touch me. You don’t get to touch me. You weren’t here!” I continued scream, all the pain coming to surface. “You weren’t here when I needed you!”

  Rhett not being with me when I lost my dad hurt the most. He could have come for me. He could have found me, but he didn’t.

  “Ava, I’m sorry,” he begged for forgiveness. “I am so sorry, babe.”

  “Just get out!” I screamed just as Stephen walked in the door. Rhett turned to look at Stephen and his body stiffened, fury emanating from him.

&
nbsp; “Get out!” I screamed at him again, losing my strength to fight him off much longer. If he didn’t leave now, I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from begging him to stay.

  For once, Stephen was wise enough not to say anything. He just stepped aside, holding the door open, waiting for Rhett to leave. I knew that was hard for Stephen. I could see he was fighting back his own anger. Rhett stared at me with sorrow and pain in his eyes before turning his back, leaving.

  I collapsed to the floor, crying in a ball. Stephen came to me to comfort me. When he finally got me to calm down, he picked up the last box, putting his arm around me as we left my old apartment.

  I was still sobbing and trying to breathe as we drove away. It wasn’t until we left the city limits of Wellesley that the tears ceased. I looked over at Stephen, and he grabbed my hand squeezing it, giving me a small smile of concern. I squeezed back, giving him my best reassuring smile before closing my eyes, letting myself leave everything behind.

  EPILOGUE

  RHETT BLACKWOOD…

  As Serena and Aubrey went on with their boring gossip about people in their social circle, I scanned the room for my beautiful girl. I hadn’t seen her in the last hour. And I was already itching to hold her again, needing to see those eyes of hers. Those expressive eyes that revealed everything to me, reminding me she loved me. I was the luckiest bastard in the room. Screw that – in the world.

  I immediately spotted her pouring herself another drink. I wished she wouldn’t. She didn’t seem to know when to stop. It worried me when she drank too much, especially when I wasn’t around. She’s too beautiful and trusting, and drinking makes her an easy target for some sick asshole to take advantage of her.

  I wanted to keep her safe and protected at all times, but her defiant attitude and stubbornness for independence made it hard. Oddly, those same traits of hers that drove me crazy were the same reasons I’d fallen for her - not to mention, she was the most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid eyes on. And it scared the shit out of me.

  I liked to have control of all aspects of my life. I required it. With Ava, I lost control the moment she collided into my life. She’s the only one that could do that to me, and she’s the one aspect of my life I want the most control over. I watched her as she made a second drink, assuming it was for one of her friends. I turned my attention back to mine, waiting for a moment to excuse myself, so I could go be with Ava.

  As the conversation droned on, I glanced back over where I last saw her. She wasn’t there anymore. She was with Adam. Jealousy and possessiveness started to churn inside me. Adam was my friend, and he knew my limits - the lines not to cross in our friendship. But he’d also always been very competitive with me since we were kids. I didn’t think he would ever lay a hand on my girl, so I decided to wait a minute before I moved to interrupt them.

  Besides, Serena wouldn’t stop fucking blabbing on about stupid shit I could care less about. I may just have to forget my manors and walk-away. I glanced over at Riley, who seemed just as bored with the conversation. Fuck this. I’ve had enough. I started to move, excusing myself. Serena stopped me, putting her hand on my arm.

  “Rhett, don’t you think we should all head up to the lake cabin this summer? Like old times? We missed having you at Easter. It just wasn’t the same,” she batted her eyes at me.

  I wanted to tell her to get her hand off me. I knew if Ava saw it, she would flip out. And the last thing I wanted was for Ava to be upset. But the guilt drowned me like it always did, and I let her keep it there. Serena had been hurt enough in the past from me being an asshole.

  “Sure. I’ve been wanting to take Ava to see the place. It would be good to enjoy it with friends. I’ll have her invite her friends, also. We can make a weekend of it,” I responded, casually shifting my arm from her touch.

  “Sounds like a good time to me. Count me in,” added Riley.

  “Right… Well… I guess we just need to pick a date,” Serena gave me a tight smile, responding with less enthusiasm as when she initially suggested it.

  I knew she was hoping I wouldn’t bring Ava along, but I didn’t plan to be anywhere without my girl, if I could help it. “Perfect. Riley, ladies, if you’ll excuse me.”

  I looked over to where Ava last stood with Adam. They were nowhere in sight. I walked through the house, searching for her, spotting her friends. She wasn’t with them, though. I caught Lizzie’s eye, giving her a questioning look. She shook her head and shrugged.

  I tried to control the worry that started to twist in my gut as I searched through the rest of the rooms where people were congregating, still not finding her. I took the stairs two at a time, thinking she might have went to my room. But she was nowhere to be found. Neither was Adam. Irritation and fear kept growing as I rushed back downstairs.

  The only place I hadn’t looked was the patio off the kitchen. Serena stepped in my way to stop me again. I bypassed her, ignoring her as she called my name. She had taken enough of my attention from Ava, and I shouldn’t have ever allowed it. I forcefully opened the patio door and started to feel relief when I saw her until I registered her hand on Adam, her eyes soft as she stared up at him. She jerked her hand away from him as soon as she saw me, making me wonder what the hell I walked in on.

  The panic, fear and anger erupted inside me. I lost control, letting it all take over. If I had found his hands on her, I could handle that. I would be able to take care of him, so he would never touch her again. But that wasn’t what I found. She had her hands on him, someone she barely knew. My fucking friend. And the look she was giving him... seeing that in her eyes, hurt more than anything I could ever imagine. It was the last thing I expected to find.

  “What the fuck is going on?” I growled, demanding an explanation.

  Adam laughed, shaking his head like a cocky prick, only adding to the anger already seething within me. I was seconds away from punching him for even being alone with her when he threw his hands up in the air, still smirking. He was obviously drunk, which just made the whole fucked up situation worse. She’d been out here alone with him when they’d both been drinking.

  “Nothing, man. I didn’t touch her.” He put his hands down to his sides, looking over at her. “I told you this was a bad idea.” He brushed my shoulder, pushing past me to leave.

  I watched him as he disappeared, his words stabbing me like a sharp knife in my back. What the hell was he talking about? What was a bad idea? Was this her idea? Was she trying to get him alone? This didn’t fucking make sense. I knew my girl and I knew she loved me. Why the fuck would she do that to me? She knew what it felt like to be cheated on. I turned back to her, needing to understand. I stared at her, trying to figure out what was going on through her eyes.

  “What the hell were you doing out here with him, Ava?” My words came out harsher than I intended, but I had lost all control of my emotions.

  “Nothing. We were just talking,” she responded angrily, not telling me a damn thing.

  “It sure as fuck didn’t look like nothing. You had your hands on him.” Even saying the words pained me, like acid on my tongue.

  “Give me a fucking break, Rhett. He was upset. I was trying to make him feel better.”

  “How? By fucking him?”

  The words came out of my mouth before I could stop them. I didn’t mean them, and I instantly regretted them. I felt the sting of her hand on my face. It didn’t hurt as much as the look in her eyes. The pain she felt from my words. Fuck! I needed to calm down. I needed her in my arms to help calm myself. I needed to know she was still mine

  “How dare you! You fucking bastard!” she screamed. She had every right to. “I was out here trying to protect you!”

  I didn’t understand what she was talking about. Why would she need to protect me? What did Adam have to do with it? I stepped towards her to hold her and calm us both. None of this made fucking sense, and if I could just get her in my arms, we could figure this out when we were calm. But she moved away which just ma
de me angrier as the panic multiplied.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Serena. She’s a lying manipulative bitch. Can’t you see that?”

  I shook my head confused by everything she was saying. First Adam, and now she was talking about Serena. “It wasn’t your baby, Rhett,” she whimpered through her tears. “She lied to you. She’s been lying to you all these years.”

  This didn’t make sense. None of this. I was so enraged and hurt, I couldn’t think straight. “No.” I shook my head confused, trying to understand. I knew Ava would never lie to me, but everything she was saying didn’t make sense.

  Who else’s baby would it be? There had to be more to what Ava was saying. I couldn’t fucking get my mind to focus, though. And I couldn’t get the damn image of her and Adam out of my mind. The fear and anger continued to inundate me. Serena was a lot of things but…“She wouldn’t do that. She would never do that. Why would you say that?” I spoke my inner thoughts out loud without realizing, trying to process everything while getting my fucking head straight.

  I looked at my beautiful girl as she fell apart crying, not allowing me to comfort her. She was upset. I didn’t understand why she was saying any of this shit. I needed to get control of my emotions and hers.

  “Rhett?” I heard Serena call my name. Fuck! I did not need her here right now. I needed Ava. Alone.

  “Damn it, Serena! Give us a minute,” I yelled, looking at her, no longer caring if I was an ass to her. I turned back to Ava, wanting to take her away from here. Before I could say anything, Ava started to leave.

  “No, Serena. You stay. We’re finished.” I heard her say. There was a finality to her words that I didn’t like. I grabbed her arm to stop her. I needed her to stay.

  “Ava,” I tried to get her to look at me.

  “Let me go, Rhett,” she pleaded with me. Lightly pulling her arm from my grasp. It wasn’t enough to break it. She wanted me to be the one to allow her to go.