The Holders

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The Holders Page 13

by Julianna Scott


  So why couldn’t I do it?

  Why couldn’t I bring myself to take the twenty minutes and send in an enrolment paper? Why did I suddenly get a knot in my stomach every time I thought of going back home and starting a real life for myself?

  I sat down on the wide stone railing that ran along the edge of the porch, straddling it, with one foot almost touching the stone floor of the porch, while the other was dangling over ten feet off the ground. I noticed a piece of branch from a bush, laying on the railing just in front of me, and started absent-mindedly picking the tiny leaves off of it and piling them up on top of each other. When the twig was bare, I tossed it over the rail and stared at the tower of leaves, admiring the fact that I’d gotten it so high. But then, all of a sudden, the top leaf began to slowly lift off the tower, and float in the air. The second leaf followed, then the third, and the fourth, until all the leaves were hovering in the air, only inches from my face. I blinked a few times, sure I was seeing things, but when I looked again there they were, bobbling gently in the air, like Christmas ornaments on a swaying branch. They hung there for a moment longer, then began to move again, arranging themselves into letters, and then words: May I join you?

  I whipped around to find Alex standing a few feet behind me, smiling.

  “Did you…?” I turned back to the floating leaf-message only to find it gone. Of course it was gone – it had never really been there.

  “Sorry,” Alex chuckled, as he came around to sit next to me on the rail, “didn’t mean to scare you.”

  I gave him a wry grin as I brushed the leaves away. “All right… that was pretty cool.”

  “Thanks,” he said, crossing his legs up under him and shifting to face me, “I try. I’m not bothering you, am I? You seemed pretty deep in thought.”

  “No, just thinking about school,” I told him, happy to have something else to put my mind to.

  “What do you mean?” There was a sudden seriousness in his tone that confused me.

  “I’m going to send in my enrolment paperwork soon, that’s all.”

  “Oh,” he said, reaching down and pulling some long palms off of the tree growing just under his spot on the rail. He began twisting and tying them together in his hands. “Where are you going to go?” he asked, not looking up from his work.

  “Well, that’s part of the problem, I’m not sure yet. Probably Princeton. It’s in a suburb which I like, and it’s really pretty. Lame reasons to choose a school, I know, but it’s Princeton after all. Hard to go wrong.”

  “Hmm.” He nodded, still watching his hands. He hadn’t even glanced up while I’d been talking, and I started to worry I was boring him. “Everything OK?” I asked.

  He looked up at me, but didn’t quite smile. “Yeah, sure.”

  Looking for a new subject I saw a few of the scattered leaves from the twig on the rail between us, and got to thinking.

  “What do you see?” I asked, curious. “When you cast something, I mean. Do you see what you make other people see, or do you see what’s really there?”

  “Well,” he said, looking thoughtful, “both, really. Mostly I see what I cast, but I can still see reality.”

  “You see both at once? Doesn’t that give you a headache?” I was getting dizzy just thinking about it.

  “No, not at all, but then I’m used to it. Here, I’ll show you.”

  Everything around me went blurry and when it cleared, Alex and I were unmoved – me straddling, while he was cross-legged – only now we were on a long white-sand beach, seated on a smooth driftwood log. The sun was setting on the horizon, while the waves rolled back and forth, licking the shore only a few feet from where my toes dangled.

  “Wow,” I said under my breath in amazement. “Where’s this?”

  “A beach in the South of France. Taron and I were scouting near here last year.”

  “I guess scouting does have its perks,” I laughed, looking around. “So, you see all this?” I waved at the scenery.

  He nodded. “I see everything that you see, but for me there is also reality. I can still see the school, and the grounds over the top of everything else, but… I don’t know, it’s hard to describe… it’s almost as though I can see through them to the alternate reality that I cast.”

  “Show me.”

  He smiled, seeming happy. I wanted to understand, and in an instant things around me shifted and suddenly I could see it all too. We were still on the beach, but now I could also see vague shapes and outlines of the real world that I hadn’t been able to see a moment ago. Lorcan Hall, the rail we were on, even the outlines of each of the stones in the floor of the porch were there, but the actual objects themselves were transparent. It was as though everything in reality was made of clear glass and you could only see the edges and shadows of the shapes.

  “I can always see reality, but it’s also easy to ignore if I want to,” Alex said.

  “What about other people? If someone were to walk by us right now, would they see all this?”

  “Only if I wanted them to.”

  “Would I even know if someone walked by?”

  “You wouldn’t see them but you could still hear them. Listen.” The sounds of the ocean, which I hadn’t even registered were there, suddenly disappeared, and I could hear people – students and teachers – off in the distance, returning to their rooms for the night, or maybe heading to dinner. “I can create sounds, and cover the visuals of reality, but I can’t cover the sounds of the real world. I can drown them out when possible,” he said as the sound of the ocean came back, covering the distant sounds of the campus, “but any noise within a normal conversational distance, I can’t do anything about.”

  “So, if I had said something in the hall the other day, I would have been busted?” I asked, remembering the way Alex was able to hide me.

  “Definitely,” he agreed. “We both would have.”

  The beach faded away as Alex turned his attention back to the palms he was casually braiding.

  “Looks like tomorrow is the day,” he said after a while, glancing up at me, “For Ryland’s meeting I mean.”

  “Oh… right.” I’d been wondering how much longer they’d wait.

  “We can go get him in the morning. That is, if you want to go. I figured you’d still want to take him, even if you weren’t going in.”

  “I do,” I nodded, feeling guilty. “Honestly, I do want to go in with him, you know, just to be there for him, but… I can’t.”

  “It’s all right, I’m sure he’ll understand. And for his first meeting maybe it’s best that he does it alone.”

  “Maybe. Still, I feel like I’m letting him down. And I feel horrible for making you do something that I should be doing.”

  Alex looked up at me then with eyes so deep they might well have been endless. “I don’t think you have ever let anyone down, Becca.” The warmth in his voice made the back of my neck get hot, even with the chill in the air. “And don’t worry about me,” he added a moment later, “I am more than happy to help.”

  As I looked into his eyes as he said those words, something fell together for me. He was more than happy to help; I’d seen that countless times over the past several days. But it wasn’t just that he was always helping me, he was always helping everyone. Taking care of everyone, the way that someone would care… for family. This was his family, where he belonged. Min, and Chloe, Anderson and Reid, it was even clear that he regarded Jocelyn as a father figure although I’d never actually seen the two of them together. He’d adopted them all as the family he’d never had. Though, I could also see that it wasn’t just the people, but the Holder idea in general. From the way he’d spoken about the first time Jocelyn told him that he wasn’t the only one who was different, to his vast knowledge of the Holder stories and histories, it was clear that this was truly who he was.

  “This is your home, isn’t it?” I asked quietly. I knew the question didn’t really make sense, but I could see he knew what I meant.


  He nodded slowly, his eyes never leaving mine. “It’s the only one I’ve ever had.”

  Again for what seemed like the hundredth time since I’d met him, I was in awe. Instead of allowing himself to be defined by his horrible childhood – as so many people would have done – he took the opportunity offered by these people and this life to start over and make his own identity. Little as this realization may have seemed, it explained so much. None of the other Holders spoke fluent Gaelic besides Jocelyn, who I knew had learned as a child, but Alex did. Not only did he speak it, but his use of it always impressed me, like his flawless accent, or the way he would seamlessly slip in and out of Gaelic when describing or naming something he was particularly fond of, as he had done when introducing me to Min, calling her máthair ghlac, or surrogate mother. At the time it had seemed odd, but now I understood; it was the language of his heart.

  “It’s who I am,” he finished, as though he could see the realization in my eyes.

  No, I couldn’t let him think that. Much as I admired his adopting and identifying with a new life, it was his ability to do so that was truly remarkable. His strength of character and courage in the face of everything he’d gone through – that was what made him who he was.

  What made him amazing.

  I shook my head, still holding his eyes. “That’s part of who you are, but you are so much more than that.”

  He held there, both of us still as the building itself, and, I couldn’t speak for him, but I would have been happy to stay there the rest of the night. Without willing it to, my mind went back to the night in my room when he’d come so close to kissing me. He hadn’t tried anything like that since, but that didn’t mean that I couldn’t, right? It would have been easy, all I had to do was lean forward a tiny bit. Should I? Did I really have the balls to–?

  Alex took a deep breath, breaking my train of thought, and the moment itself.

  Damn it! OK, no hesitating next time…

  He uncrossed his legs and slid down to the porch while I worked at regaining my composure. He brushed off his pants and tossed the clump of palms he’d been fiddling with onto the rail where he’d been sitting.

  “What is that?” I asked, picking up the palms, which he had twisted and tied into an intricate knot shaped sort of like an X.

  “Nothing,” he said with a shrug. “It’s called a St Brigid’s Cross. Chloe showed me how to tie them. I make them all the time, just for something to do. Grass works the best.”

  Obviously he thought it was no big deal, but I was impressed.

  “Let me run and get my coat and we’ll go to dinner. I told Chloe she could meet us over there, I hope that’s all right.”

  “Sure, that’d be great,” I said, though I would have preferred it to have been just the two of us.

  “I’ll meet you up front,” he said walking off and disappearing into the building.

  When I was sure he was gone I hopped down off the rail and slid the little cross into my jeans pocket, for the first time actually admitting to myself that I was seriously falling for this guy.

  Falling hard.

  And if I didn’t watch myself, I might not be able to get back up.

  14

  “You should come, Becca,” Ryland said as we approached the hallway that led down to Jocelyn’s office. “What if he asks why you didn’t come?” Alex and I were walking him to his first ever meeting with his father, and every step he took seemed just a tiny bit slower than the last.

  “He’s not going to ask, Ry.”

  “You don’t know that.” He began dragging the toe of his foot along the stone floor with each step.

  “I’m pretty sure, buddy.”

  “We’ve been here for almost two weeks, and you haven’t seen him yet, you should come. Alex, shouldn’t she come?”

  He may have been right. I’d not seen hide nor hair of Jocelyn since our encounter in the hallway on my first day – which Ryland of course knew nothing about – and I wasn’t sure how to feel about that. The idea of avoiding him altogether had been fine before he’d had the gall not to recognize his own daughter and make me feel like an idiot, but now I was done with hiding and avoiding. My only goal now was to show him that I didn’t give a damn what he thought, and the only way to do that was to see him. Or at least that was what I said my plan was, though as aloof and detached as I tried to be I still wasn’t quite able to give in to Ryland’s pleading for me to join him.

  “Listen,” I said, stopping him and turning his shoulders to face me, “there is nothing to worry about. Alex is going to be with you, and I will be right down the hall.” His eyebrows furrowed reluctantly, and I decided to change my game plan. “You’ve been talking about meeting your dad for years, and now you are going to chicken out?”

  “I’m not chicken!” He crossed his arms over his chest.

  “Looks like you are.”

  “Am not!”

  “You better go down and tell him that Ryland’s too scared to come,” I said to Alex over Ry’s head.

  “No! You’re scared, I’m not scared! I’m not scared of anything! Come on!” he turned to Alex. “Let’s go.”

  “Nice,” Alex whispered with a laugh.

  “I’ll be in the lounge when you’re done.” I grinned, to which Alex nodded, then chased after Ryland who had stomped off without him, more than happy to prove me wrong.

  I turned back up the hall, trying to push past the knot that had formed in my stomach at Ryland’s accusation. Was he right? Was I scared?

  No. Fear is a reaction to the unknown, and I knew exactly what would have happened if I’d gone in with him to the meeting, and it wasn’t something that Ryland needed to see. In any event, no way would I ever admit to being scared of anything that involved Jocelyn.

  Luckily the lounge was empty, and I pulled one of the oversized armchairs up to the bay window and sank down into the soft, worn leather. Just as I was seriously considering taking a nap, I heard Chloe’s singsong voice coming down the main stairs.

  “There you are! I was knocking at your room not a minute ago! I got a new shipment of magazines today, come up and have a look at them with me!”

  “I would, but I can’t now, maybe later.”

  “You waiting for someone?” she asked, leaning over to look out the window.

  “Ryland is in with Jocelyn, and I told him I’d be here when he gets out.”

  “Oh… the big meeting.” She sat down on the ottoman at my knee. “Was he scared?”

  “A little, but he’ll be all right.”

  “Sorry,” she said, standing. “I’ll leave you be.”

  “No, stay,” I insisted. “I could use the company. Besides, there is something I’ve been meaning to ask you.” Ever since my talk with Alex about my parents, I had been meaning to take his suggestion and ask Chloe about the Anam thing he had mentioned, but as Chloe usually did most of the talking, I hadn’t had a good opportunity.

  “What’s that?” She leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees.

  “What’s Anam?”

  She stiffened, instantly nervous. “What? Why? Where did you hear that?”

  “Alex mentioned it, and when I asked him what it meant, he said to ask you.”

  “Wait, Alex said to ask me? Are you sure?”

  “Yes… he said you were an expert. Is something wrong?” Why was this such a big deal to everyone?

  “No, it’s only that this was the one subject Alex forbid me to talk to you about… but since he was the one who told you to ask me–”

  “Forbid you? Why?”

  “He didn’t say, but I assumed it was because of your parents. I know that’s a bit of a touchy subject.”

  “Oh. We had been talking about my parents when it came up, so I guess that makes sense.”

  “But Alex said it was OK?” She was getting really excited now.

  “Yeah, I guess it is.”

  “Oh my goodness, I can’t believe I’m the one who gets to tell you!” Sh
e jumped up, resituated herself, pulled the ottoman closer to my chair, and tucked her hair back behind her ears. I bit back a giggle, thinking that she looked like a preschool teacher about to tell a fairytale to a bunch of dewy-eyed toddlers.

  “Anam,” she began, as though it was the most wonderful word ever uttered, “is Gaelic for soul, and it’s what we call the special connection or bond that can happen between a Holder and a normal human. The legend says that thousands and thousands of years ago, when the Great Goddess of Ireland was creating all the people of the world, she blessed each of them with a tiny bit of her magic. This magic became the person’s soul. It is what gave them the ability to love, to see right from wrong, to laugh, and hope, and dream, and care for one another. Once all the people were created, the goddess chose a small group of her favorites to give special powers to. These people would become Holders. But when she tried to give each of these people their special gift or ability, she found that the power of their soul was too great, and there was no room for the extra magic. The goddess had to remove a piece of each Holder’s soul to make room for their gift. Then she took the removed bit of soul and made it into a new regular human, so that none of her magic would be wasted. And so there would always be one special person out there for each Holder – someone who is the missing part of their soul – and when they find each other,” she sighed, laying her hands over her heart, “it’s like magic. All it takes is a single touch for your soul to recognize its missing bit. They say the connection hits you like lightning, and you’re never the same again.”

 

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