The Holders

by Julianna Scott

  “So Chloe was right then, with all that love at first touch stuff?”

  “Bah!” She waved her hand as if to shoo away my words. “Love is a cheap word. Anyone can say it, and few truly know what it means. But the Anam bond runs far deeper than that. It is the most profound connection one person can have with another, and it is not always, as they say, wine and roses. In fact,” she continued, “it will be a good lesson for you.”

  “Lesson?”

  “A lesson in trust and to let go of your need for control.”

  “I don’t…” but my denial died on my tongue. “I’ve always been the strong one,” I said, loathing the traitorous tears that again filled my eyes, but unable to do anything about them.

  “Of course you were. You had to be. But occasionally letting go of control and trusting someone else to act when you cannot, does not mean you are weak – it means you are smart. Being bonded to another in this way is no easy thing. Trusting so completely, and having your happiness so dependent on another person, can be downright terrifying at times, but believe me when I say the rewards are worth the cost.”

  “That’s all well and good, but I still don’t understand,” I said, pressing my temples to my forehead. “Chloe told me that a Holder can only be truly happy with their Anam, and even this,” I saud, gesturing to the book in my lap, “shows a Holder bound to a non-Holder. Even if for some reason I’m bound to Alex, he can’t ever be happy with me.”

  “The next time I hear you say the words can’t, or shouldn’t, or wouldn’t, I’ll smack you,” she threatened, shaking her finger at me in full-on Russian grandma mode. “There are no rules. For the rest of us maybe, but not for you. How many times do we have to prove that for you to believe it?”

  “Then what are you saying, that…?” I paused, remembering something she’d said earlier. “Wait, you said that Alex and I are Anams. What you meant to say was that he was my Anam, right?”

  “I know what I said.”

  “But…” I stumbled over my own thoughts. “You didn’t mean…” I looked at Min, but she only sat quietly, offering nothing, like a teacher waiting for her student to work the answer out for themselves. “We’re each other’s Anam? No, that can’t be – yeah.” I answered her glare. “I said it – can’t be. He would have had to figure that out the first day we met! There is no way he has gone all this time, feeling like… like this,” I said, pointing at to myself, “and not said anything.”

  “What was he to say?”

  “I don’t know, but something!”

  “At the time he realized, you would not have understood, and since then you have been under a constant stream of information. He didn’t want to add to your burden or overwhelm you.”

  “So what, he was waiting for me to just figure it out?”

  “No, he fully intended to tell you, but that was before the test. Before we found out that you are also a Holder. Since then he has believed as you do: that a Holder cannot be bound to another Holder. That his bonding to you was a mistake, and that you are in fact destined for someone else.”

  “No,” I said, shaking my head. “I’m sorry, I don’t buy it.” And I didn’t. It was impossible that Alex wouldn’t have given me some sign, some hint after all this time.

  “You see what I say is true,” she said, in the annoying way she had of wording a question as a statement.

  “No, sorry, but I don’t.”

  “Then you will see it soon enough, and you will realize how fortunate you are. The bond that has been forged between the two of you is like nothing our kind has ever seen. A Holder to a Holder, bonded on both sides; it has never happened before. But be mindful. In this bond you have a dual-edged sword which can cut deeper than its single-bladed cousin, but when wielded properly can be a fierce weapon.”

  “What should I do?”

  “That is not for me to say. Where you go from here is entirely up to you. However,” she said, coming over and putting an arm around me, guiding me to the door, “if I had to make a suggestion, I would say you should go and get a good night’s rest.”

  “But I need to see him; I need to talk to him. You can’t expect me to wait–” but I was silenced by Min’s finger over my mouth.

  “Much as I do not want Alex to suffer any longer than necessary,” she said, continuing to guide me toward the door, “you are not in a state of mind at the moment for rational discussion.”

  “What are you talking about? I’m fine.”

  “You will be more ‘fine’ in the morning. Now go.” She opened the door shooing me out. “Get to bed.”

  “It’s not even seven o’clock!”

  “Never mind that, you will sleep, trust me. No more arguments; get to bed.”

  “But I’m not tired!”

  She glared at me. “Don’t make me hypnotize you,” she said, pointing again.

  I eyed her warily. “You can’t… wait, can you do that?”

  “Maybe I can, maybe I can’t. Do you want to find out?”

  “Fine,” I huffed, stomping off down the hall as Min closed the door behind me with what I swear was a chuckle.

  “What does she know?” I muttered to myself on the way up the stairs. “There is nothing wrong with me, I’m fine!”

  I got to my floor, and stood at the top of the stairs not wanting to go to bed – out of spite if nothing else – but not sure what else to do. My hand came to rest against my leg and I felt the small distinct lump of my woven cross in my pocket.

  Alex.

  I needed to see Alex.

  I turned on my heel and ran up to his floor taking the stairs two at a time. Screw Min, what did she know? I’d never felt better in my life; I could do this. I jogged down the hall to Alex’s door, and took a deep breath. This would be easy. I would knock, he would answer, and I would say…

  I would say…

  What would I say?

  I stood there, locked in place, hand poised to knock, with no idea what to do next. A shuffling noise from the other side of the door sent a stab of panic to my throat, and I took off running down the hall, down the stairs and into my room before taking another breath.

  I staggered into the bedroom and slumped over onto the bed, feeling the pricking of tears once again sting my eyes.

  Dear God, this was ridiculous! When did I become such a blubbering ninny?

  Maybe Min was right, I wasn’t myself. If nothing else, the fact that I’d now been on the verge of crying – something I’d not done in, well, I couldn’t remember how long – three times in one night, should have been enough to tell me all was not right in Becca-land and maybe I should hold off talking to anyone about anything emotion-related, much less Alex.

  I changed into my nightclothes, brushed my teeth, braided my hair, and crawled into bed, hoping Min was right and sleep would come fast despite the hour. Though, much as I wanted to relax, I couldn’t – not with Alex less than twenty feet above my head. Normally it was bad enough lying in bed knowing he was so close and yet so far, but his pacing the floor each night had always done its magic, singing me off to sleep. However, since my awakening as a Holder, he’d stopped his nightly march, leaving me in silence. And now with all these new feelings swelling inside me, making me want nothing more than to have him near, that silence was deafening. But the worst of all my newfound Alex-related sensations was the fact that now I could feel him. I could feel his actual physical being in the room. It was like a warm magnet, pulling deep within my chest.

  I tossed and turned, unable to get comfortable, knowing that if Alex didn’t find some way to fall asleep that there was no way I would, and hating that there was nothing I could do. Or nothing that I was mentally and emotionally prepared enough to trust myself to do, anyway.

  Then again, maybe there was…

  Remembering what Mr Anderson had said during our training session this afternoon I reached over and unclipped my Sciath, sliding it off my arm and setting on the bedside table. I felt the fuzzy, unfocused awareness come over
me, which was a far cry from the crisp, defined sense I had when my Sciath was unblocked, but for what I wanted to try this would be fine. I felt the brush of Alex’s ability and reached out with my own, intending to join us. It was harder this time, my mental reach like trying to direct a cloud of fog as opposed to the clear band of force I’d already become used to. Finally, I was able to make the connection, shaky though it may have been, and felt his energy flow into me, entwining with mine. I relaxed immediately, relishing the feeling of the connection like I would a warm blanket tucked up under my chin. In turn, I felt the link between us begin to unwind him, though he likely had no idea what it was, seeing it only – as Mr Anderson had put it – as a comforting change in mood.

  As I felt the tension slowly begin to drain out of him I snuggled down into my pillow, happy that, while I didn’t feel ready to talk to him just yet, I was still able to offer him some sort of comfort. A drowsy curtain began to slip over the both of us, finally allowing the exhausted man above me to glide off to sleep, with me chasing at his heels.

  21

  “Why can’t you be there?” Ryland asked, as we walked through fog on our way to Lorcan for his Awakening.

  “Because, buddy, they said I can’t. There’s no reason to be scared, it wo–”

  “I’m not scared.”

  “Right, sorry.” I bit my lip to keep from smiling.

  Truth was I’d been trying to find a way to weasel my way into the Awakening all morning, but Min was adamant that it was too dangerous. Apparently there was so much power required for the process that it would be nearly impossible for any Holder who wasn’t actively participating to be in the room without extreme discomfort; much less a newbie like me. I would have been fine with the discomfort, but the idea that I could actually end up hurting someone forced me to accept that, like it or not, my attendance was out of the question.

  “Who will be there?” he asked after a minute, tying to cover his nerves by making it sound like he didn’t care, and was only asking to make conversation.

  “Joc– Dad,” I caught myself, “and Min.”

  “The old lady?”

  “Yes, her name is Min. But they will both be doing things, so you may only see them at the start and at the end.”

  “What about the scary-looking guy?”

  “OK, Taron,” I stressed. “If you are going to be around these people you are going to have to start calling them by their names.”

  “You knew who I meant,” he grumbled.

  “Doesn’t matter. No more ‘old lady’, or ‘scary guy’, or ‘guy who talks funny’,” I added, figuring I’d cover his nickname for Mr Anderson while I was at it. “Names, you got it?”

  “Yeah, yeah.”

  We walked into Lorcan and into the lounge where Min, Mr Anderson, Mr Reid, and Taron were all waiting.

  “There they are,” said Mr Reid, seeing us enter. I felt Ryland shrink back a little when he saw Taron, but I led him into the room. “Are you ready?” Mr Reid asked Ryland.

  “Sure,” he said, with maybe a little too much bravado.

  “There’s a good lad!” Mr Anderson said, stepping up. “I’ve a class to be getting to, but I wanted to wish you luck!” He smiled, holding out a hand for Ryland to hit. “Taron?” He turned to the figure lurking in the corner. “You coming?”

  Taron grunted, ever the charmer, and the two men stepped out into the cold. However at the moment my attention wasn’t on them. It was on the already familiar warm, welcome pull in my chest, announcing the approach of someone on the staircase. A person who I could tell had already left his room this morning when I woke up, and I had not seen or felt all day.

  Alex.

  This was my shot. I’d already made the decision to talk to him today, being in a much better and less emotionally driven frame of mind, and was eager to get it over with so the butterflies in my stomach could find a new home.

  But unfortunately it would have to wait just a little longer, because right now Ryland needed me.

  “Is everything ready to go?” I asked Min.

  “Yes,” she nodded. “How about you?” The look in her eye told me exactly what she meant.

  “Soon,” was all I said.

  “All right then,” she said, looking down at Ry. “Let’s go on back.”

  “Are you sure you can’t come?” he asked, again pretending the answer was of no significance whatsoever.

  “I’m sorry, Ry.”

  Min put a hand on his back and led him out of the lounge and down the hall while I watched, hugging my arms to my chest.

  “He’ll be fine, Becca,” Mr Reid said.

  “I know,” I agreed. “I just wish he didn’t have to be alone.”

  “Here,” he said, turning toward the table with the checker board painted on it. “Why don’t we have a round while we wait? It will take your mind off things.”

  I glanced out toward the hall, intending to tell him I couldn’t because I needed to go and talk to someone, but paused, suddenly realizing that particular someone was gone. Alex must have left while Min was taking Ryland out and I hadn’t realized. I peeked my head out into the hall to make sure, only to find it empty.

  Damn.

  Should I go look for him? Everything in me screamed yes, but deep down I knew it wasn’t the time. Alex and I needed to talk – really talk – and I didn’t want to have such an important conversation while part of my mind would be worried about Ry. Much as I hated putting it off once again, I’d promised Ryland that I’d be in the lounge waiting for him when he got out and that’s where I needed to be; Alex would understand that. I could wait one more hour.

  “Sure.” I smiled at Mr Reid, who was arranging the game pieces on the board without so much as lifting a finger. “That would be great.”

  I sat down at the table, promising myself that once this Awakening was over and I was sure Ryland was OK, I would go looking for Alex, and not come back until I’d found him.

  After seven rounds of checkers, only one of which I won – which I was certain was only because Mr Anderson let me – Min returned to the lounge.

  “We’re done,” she said. “Everything went just as it should have.”

  “He’s OK? Is he normal?”

  “He’s just fine. Cormac will need to confirm it, but as far as I can see his power level is completely normal. No stronger than, say, Anderson or Reid. He will be able to read minds and do some compulsion, but I doubt he will have anything beyond that.”

  “So, no erasing minds like Jocelyn, or hearing dead people or anything like that? He’s just a normal mind-reader?” I asked, ignoring the oxymoron.

  “Yes. Perfectly normal.”

  “Where is he?” I asked, having assumed Ryland would come back with her.

  “Still in the Chamber with Jocelyn. I told him he wasn’t allowed out until he finished every drop of the elixir I gave him. You can go in and see him if you want.”

  I hurried down to the Chamber where Ryland was sitting on a long table, drinking out of one of the jars I recognized from Min’s office. Jocelyn looked up and gave me a stiff nod before stepping through the back door to his office.

  Nice to see you, too.

  “How’d it go?” I asked walking over to Ry, relieved that he seemed to be fine.

  “OK,” he said, peering down into the jar. “This is gross.”

  “Just drink it. Trust me, if it’s from Min, it’s good stuff.” I leaned against the table next to him, noticing the new necklace he had around his neck. It was a lot like Alex’s only his cord was brown leather and the stone in the center was red. “So it wasn’t scary?”

  “Nah,” he said downing the rest of the drink. “Plus Alex was with me.”

  My head snapped up, “Alex was here?”

  “Yeah, he said you didn’t want me to be alone.”

  “He held his hand the whole time,” came Min’s voice from the door.

  “He didn’t need to,” Ryland said, not about to let us think he’d been sca
red.

  “No, of course not,” Min said, smiling at him. “You were one of the bravest I’ve seen.”

  Ry looked at me proudly as if to make sure I’d heard, but I was looking at Min. “He was here?” I whispered. “I thought you said…”

  “That it would be very difficult, yes. And it was. I told him as much before we began, but he would have it no other way.” She turned to Ryland as I stared off, completely overwhelmed. “Now then, let’s go and get you something to eat.” She took the jar from him, and helped him down off the table. When they passed by me, Ryland poked my arm.

  “You coming?”

  “Becca has something she has to take care of up on the covered balcony first, I think,” Min said, urging him on. “Maybe she’ll come and join us later.”

  “OK, bye Becca,” he said, following Min out of the Chamber, as I stared after them in a daze.

  Alex had sat with Ryland so he wouldn’t be scared. Despite all the strangeness between us he’d been there to take care of him when I couldn’t. The swelling of emotion that fact caused in me was so strong that it was hard to breathe.

  And, not just of nameless emotion… of love.

  I loved him.

  Yes, I was bonded to him, but that wasn’t the same thing. Maybe to some people it would have been but as far as I was concerned the ideas were separate. My bond to him as my Anam had made it so my life would no longer be complete without him. It had rearranged my world, placing him in the center, fulfilling me in ways I hadn’t realized I was empty. And yes, it had caused me to fall in love with him, and maybe that’s where a large part of my love had stemmed from, but I also know it was much more than that. If I was being honest, my feelings for Alex had started long before the Anam bond had, even if I hadn’t been ready to acknowledge them at the time. I didn’t love Alex only because some supernatural connection told me I had to. I loved him because I knew him. Because I’d seen the man he truly was inside, and it never failed to amaze me. I loved him for his heart and his strength. For his endless compassion and his unbreakable spirit even in the face of everything he’d been through. I loved him because he was the person I wanted to be, and I was a better person just through the privilege of knowing him.