Fallen Angel

by Anne Mather

  Miss Holland sniffed her disapproval, and attacked the beef and vegetables on her plate with more aggression than enthusiasm. Alexandra was puzzled too, half wishing she hadn’t brought up their sighting of the black horse, but unlike her companion she said nothing, aware of Estelita’s mocking amusement at the little affray. However, when Jason left the table some minutes later, she made a hasty excuse and followed him, surprised to find him on the point of going out the main door. She had thought he was on his way to his study, and she hesitated a moment before speaking his name. He turned abruptly, his expression thoughtful, and her mouth went dry as the words she had meant to use deserted her.

  ‘Yes?’ he said, and she thought she detected a certain wariness about his response.

  ‘I—where are you going?’ she asked, although she had not meant to ask that at all, and his mouth twisted.

  ‘Would you believe—for a walk?’ he enquired sardonically, and she took an involuntary step forward.

  ‘May I come with you?’

  Jason sighed. ‘Don’t you usually play chess with Miss Holland in the evenings?’

  Alexandra didn’t realise he had noticed. ‘I do—sometimes,’ she conceded, ‘but Ricardo plays, too, and he gives her a much better game than I do.’

  Jason looked down at his booted feet for a moment, and then lifted his eyes to her face again. ‘All right,’ he said, although his voice was clipped. ‘But don’t you need a coat?’

  Alexandra was wearing an ankle-length gown of flowered chiffon, that was caught at the waist with a sash of the same material. She supposed it wasn’t entirely suitable to the occasion, but she enjoyed changing into something feminine after wearing trousers for most of the day.

  ‘I’m not cold,’ she said now, and after a moment’s silent appraisal he shrugged and said: ‘As you like.’

  He himself was dressed in the moleskin pants and silk shirt he invariably wore in the evenings, the collar unfastened to reveal the brown column of his throat. Sometimes, sitting opposite him at the table, Alexandra liked to remember what he had looked like without his shirt. He had such a nice body, she decided, wishing she understood this urge she felt to touch him all the time. He didn’t invite it; he didn’t even like it; but that didn’t prevent her from feeling the temptation.

  Outside, it was cooler than she had expected, but she wouldn’t have dreamed of admitting it. It was such an unexpected treat, being alone with him like this, and she could not take the chance that if she asked him to wait while she collected a wrap, Miss Holland or Estelita might appear and decide to join them.

  They crossed the courtyard at the front of the hacienda, and turned along the side of the house towards the paddocks. The fragrance of honeysuckle and night-scented stocks drifted to their nostrils, mingling with the earthier aromas of the animals, and the smell of roasting meat. From the bunkhouse they could hear the sound of someone playing a guitar, and more shrilly a mouth organ added its poignant harmony. The breeze that chased the clouds across the moon’s curved face blew Alexandra’s hair into her eyes, and she was tucking it back behind her ears when Jason turned to look at her.

  ‘Well?’ he said, and there was a trace of irony in his tones. ‘I guess you have something to say to me, right?’ They had reached the poled rail of the paddock, and he turned to rest his back against the fencing, regarding her with a shadowed expression. The coolness of the breeze didn’t seem to bother him, she noticed enviously, shivering a little, and deciding it was too chilly to linger, she said:

  ‘I wanted to know why you told Ricardo not to take us into the mountains.’

  Jason nodded. ‘I guessed as much. Isn’t it enough to know that I’d rather you remained in the valley?’

  ‘It’s not because you don’t think we’re capable of riding those narrow passes, is it?’ she asked. ‘It’s something else. Is it to do with that black stallion?’

  ‘Hell, no!’ His denial was half amused, and she moved to the rail, resting her fingers over the poled surface, trying to read his expression. ‘I just don’t think it’s a good idea, that’s all. The mountains can be treacherous. When the mist comes down—’

  ‘I’m sure Ricardo knows when the weather is likely to be dangerous,’ asserted Alexandra flatly. ‘Jason…’ She turned to him appealingly, unable to resist the temptation to touch his sleeve. ‘Can’t you tell me the truth? I’m not a child, even though you like to treat me as one.’

  Jason sighed. ‘Perhaps I find it easier that way,’ he remarked obscurely, and then, at her wide-eyed enquiry, he added: ‘I’ve never had a daughter before. I’m not really equipped to deal with one.’

  Alexandra pursed her lips. ‘I’m not your daughter,’ she declared impatiently. Then, tracing the line of the scar that was darkly visible beneath the fine silk of his shirt, she murmured: ‘I see this is healing. You don’t need a bandage on it any more.’

  ‘No.’ Jason was abrupt, his fingers as usual going to remove hers from their probing. ‘Don’t do that. I thought you came out here to find out why I wouldn’t let you ride into the mountains?’

  ‘You said you’d told me,’ she reminded him softly, her fingers curving round his as he made to remove them. ‘Mmm, your hands have callouses. Are they painful?’

  ‘They’re a man’s hands,’ he retorted. ‘Working hands. Not the hands of an academic, like your father.’

  ‘But you’re that, too,’ she protested, looking up at him. ‘Ricardo told us. You were an engineer. He said you installed the water pipes at the house yourself.’

  ‘Ricardo talks too much,’ he stated harshly, but when her free hand came to join the other, he covered them both with his hard fingers. He stood for a long moment, looking down at their clasped hands, and then he smoothed his fingers over her knuckles. ‘No one could accuse these hands of being hard, could they?’ he murmured wryly. ‘They’re soft, as a woman’s hands should be. Soft, and…’ he raised them to his lips, ‘…sweet-smelling.’

  Her heart was pounding heavily in her ears, the blood surging thickly through her veins as he spoke. The touch of those mocking lips against her skin was like a lick of flame to senses already scorched by his nearness. A feverish excitement gripped her, and although she knew she was courting danger, she did not retreat as she had done before. The feelings he was arousing inside her had to have some meaning, and in spite of her panic, she was eager to learn the truth about herself.

  In the moonlight, the expression in those dark eyes was masked as he looked down at her, but presently irritation caused him to tighten his lips. ‘What do you think you’re doing, Alexandra?’ he demanded, still gripping her fingers so tightly, she thought they might snap. ‘Coming out here in that thin dress, when I can feel from your hands that you’re shivering? Why did you really come? Why do you persist in running after me? Demanding attention! Encouraging me to kiss your fingers like the knight in shining armour you think I am! I’m not your parfait knight, Alexandra, I’m me! Just a man. Human, with all a man’s weaknesses and imperfections.’

  Alexandra’s lips trembled. ‘I know that,’ she said. ‘Why are you getting angry? Can’t I show friendship towards you? Are you so immune from emotion that my feelings embarrass you?’

  ‘Your feelings!’ he echoed grimly. ‘What feelings? What possible emotion can I arouse in your breast?’

  ‘Affection,’ she exclaimed at once. ‘I’m very fond of you. You—you’ve been very kind to me.’

  ‘Have I?’ His tone was ironic, but she ignored it.

  ‘Yes,’ she insisted. ‘And—I appreciate it.’

  ‘Oh, I see.’ His lips thinned. ‘And this—this charade is in the nature of showing your appreciation, is it? There’s a name for what you’re doing, Alexandra, but it isn’t affection!’

  Alexandra tore her hands out of his grasp and faced him defiantly, hiding the pain he was unknowingly inflicting. ‘You won’t try to understand, will you?’ she cried. ‘All my life I’ve been surrounded by people who didn’t try to underst
and how I felt, but when I met you, I stupidly imagined you might be different. But you’re not. You’re not! You’re just as cold and unfeeling as the rest of them!’

  Trembling uncontrollably now, she turned her back on him, gripping the rail with desperate fingers, needing its support as she fought back the tears that threatened to humiliate her completely. He was a brute and a bully, tying her immature overtures into knots and tearing them apart again, without either patience or sensitivity.

  Wrapped up in her own misery as she was, she had not considered how Jason himself might be affected by her outburst, but even as she took little gasping breaths, trying to control her emotions, his hands closed on her arms just below her shoulders. His touch was sure and restrained, although his fingers bit into her flesh with careless strength.

  ‘What do you know about me?’ he demanded in low furious tones. ‘What do you know about feelings—and emotions?’ He uttered an ugly oath, compelling her backwards as he spoke, causing her to stumble against the hard, unyielding length of his body. ‘You talk about friendship and affection, but what you really want is experience! Yes, experience!’ This as she fought impotently to free herself. His arms slid around her, compressing her arms against her sides, hauling her close to the taut muscles of his lower chest and thighs. ‘I knew I shouldn’t have brought you here. I knew you were ripe for the kind of relationship you’d get from a boy of your own age. But you were so adamant it was what you wanted, so sure you wouldn’t get bored with the limitations of our life out here—’

  ‘I’m not bored!’

  She almost shouted the words in her frustration, bringing up her hands to grip his arms and force him to release her. She had forgotten the vulnerable laceration in his flesh, but his uncontrollable reaction reminded her, and her anger fled in the face of his pain. Closing her eyes, she rested her head back against his chest, knowing an almost overwhelming desire to remain there, and the errant breeze whipped her hair into his face.

  ‘Alexandra…’ He spoke raggedly, then with a groan he bent his head and she felt the probing caress of his lips against her neck.

  Almost immediately, she started to struggle, but he was stronger than she was, and in spite of his injury he overcame her futile efforts easily. Besides, as his mouth sought the hollow behind her ear, and moved exploringly along the curve of her cheek, her breathing began to quicken and other emotions weakened her desire to escape. Almost instinctively, she knew what her struggles were doing to him, and the thrusting masculinity of his body filled her with a strange and heady power. In spite of all his protests, she was capable of arousing him, and what was more, she was doing it against his will.

  As he sensed her weakening, Jason’s arms relaxed, and her breath caught in her throat as his hands moved upward, over her ribcage, to the pointed fullness of her small breasts. Again that sense of panic rose inside her. He ought not to be touching her there, she thought dry-mouthed, even while warring sensations welcomed his caress and caused her breasts to swell beneath his questing fingers.

  ‘Don’t hate me, Alexandra,’ he breathed as her clenched fists brushed his thighs, but then he twisted her round to face him and his mouth on hers destroyed every shred of opposition she might have raised against him.

  His mouth was firm and possessive, coaxing her lips to part and share their moist secret. Never having tasted a man’s kiss before, Alexandra found herself responding blindly, unaware that her eagerness not to appear naïve made her response that much more provocative. Almost involuntarily, her hands unclenched and sought the silk-covered expanse of his chest, sliding over the fine material to touch his neck. As her arms lifted, the sleeves of her dress fell back so that skin encountered skin at her first tentative embrace. His mouth continued to explore hers, probing ever more deeply with each succeeding caress until her fingers closed on his nape, threading through the strong virile length of his hair and making their own experimental exploration.

  His mouth hardened into passion and she felt as if she was drowning in sensual feeling, incoherent with emotion, scarcely conscious of the precipice she was walking. She wanted him to go on and on, uncaring of the strain she was putting on him, only wanting him to go on holding her and kissing her—letting her learn the throbbing contours of his body.

  Jason finally summoned the strength to propel her away from him, but she uttered small sounds of protest, and he had to shake her half angrily to bring her to her senses. Forcing her back against the bar behind her, he kept her determinedly at arms’ length, though there was compassion as well as impatience in his voice as he said:

  ‘Well? Are you satisfied now?’

  Alexandra licked her dry lips. ‘Wh-why do you ask that?’

  ‘It was what you wanted, wasn’t it?’ he demanded. ‘Proof that you’re growing into a desirable female? That even I am not totally immune to that fact, no matter how reckless proving it might be!’

  She moved her slim shoulders, realising suddenly how cold the wind had become, although she had not felt it until that moment. ‘We—we’re just a man and—and a woman,’ she declared. ‘What we just shared was the natural—’

  ‘No!’ he interrupted her curtly. ‘What we just shared was not natural at all. And we’re not a man and a woman. I’m a man—but you’re just a provocative child who enjoys teasing!’

  Alexandra gasped. ‘I was not teasing!’

  ‘What would you call it, then?’

  ‘I’ve just told you.’ She wrenched her arms free of him, facing him defensively. ‘You’re not going to pretend you didn’t—didn’t want to touch me?’

  Jason stared at her for a moment, then a look of wry self-derision crossed his face and he nodded. ‘Oh, I wanted to touch you, all right,’ he agreed harshly. ‘I wanted to do a lot more than that!’

  ‘Did you?’ Her defiance melted before the uncertainty she saw in his face. ‘Did you, Jason?’ Her lips parted. ‘Tell me…’

  ‘No!’ As if regretting his momentary candour, Jason’s expression hardened. ‘My God, you’d like that, wouldn’t you? A man of my age—and a girl obsessed with curiosity about the opposite sex!’

  That’s not true!’ Alexandra was hurt. ‘You know it’s not. I—I’m not interested in Pepe—or Ricardo, or any of the men, for that matter.’

  ‘So what are you suggesting?’ His eyes narrowed. ‘That you are—interested in me?’

  Her cheeks flushed. ‘Is that so surprising?’

  ‘God!’

  ‘Why should you say that?’ She sniffed. ‘You must know how I feel about—’

  He swore angrily. ‘Alexandra, I’m old enough to be your father!’

  ‘You’re not!’

  ‘I’m thirty-six. Easily old enough, believe me!’

  Her lips trembled. ‘I don’t care how old you are.’

  ‘No?’ His mouth tightened. ‘I do. And whatever fantasy you’re living out so far as you and I are concerned, forget it!’ He raked his knuckles down his face in sudden frustration. ‘Alexandra, stop fooling yourself. What you’re looking for is experience. Just that—experience. And I happened to be around to experiment on—’

  ‘No—’

  ‘Yes. God, I should have had more sense, I know that. But I guess I was—well, flattered that you should seek my company.’

  ‘I don’t believe that!’

  ‘Alexandra, I don’t get involved with teenagers—’

  ‘I’m not asking you to get involved!’

  ‘—and I make no commitments—’

  ‘I’m not expecting you to.’

  ‘Then what are you saying?’

  Alexandra tried to remain calm. ‘I—why can’t we talk about it? You wanted to—to kiss me. I wanted it, too. What’s wrong with that?’

  ‘Alexandra!’ With a groan of impatience, he imprisoned her within the span of his arms, resting one hand on the bole of the fence at either side of her. Then he exclaimed: ‘Stop pretending, can’t you? You’re no sophisticate, and we both know it. I doubt if anyone�
�s ever touched you before, have they? I shouldn’t have touched you, and we both know that, too.’ He paused, and she forced her gaze not to waver before the disturbing penetration of his. ‘So—don’t go reading anything into it that wasn’t there.’

  Her lips trembled. ‘Thank you,’ she said inexplicably, and now his eyes narrowed.

  ‘For what?’ he demanded harshly, and she lifted her chin.

  ‘For making your position so clear,’ she replied stiffly, and his knuckles showed white through his skin where his hands gripped the rail.

  ‘You don’t make it easy for me, do you?’ he grated, but Alexandra only bent her head.

  ‘Why should I make it easy for you to avoid me?’ she asked, a trifle wistfully, and almost against his will, his hands left the fence to grip her waist, jerking her roughly towards him.

  This time his mouth was hard and seeking, his hands intimate on her buttocks, holding her deliberately against him and letting her feel every throbbing muscle between his thighs. But if he had expected her to fight him, he was mistaken. She was still aroused and eager for his caresses, her arms around his waist sliding beneath the silk material of his shirt to probe the smooth skin of his back. Her mouth was sweet and softly parted, a cushion to the bruising pressure of his. She no longer wondered why the sheik’s fair captive had succumbed to her lover’s embrace. In Jason’s arms, she was learning the meaning of her own destiny, the demands of her own body that instinct alone told her only Jason could assuage.

  Yet, even while she luxuriated in the urgency of his ardour, she knew that Jason himself would not forgive her for what she was doing. By deliberately arousing his passion, she was slamming doors on the kind of relationship they might have had, and while she wanted him to hold her and kiss her, she didn’t want him to do it against his will. That wasn’t the way. Her instincts told her that, too. And for that reason, and that reason alone, she tore herself away from him to stand trembling and breathless before him.

  But it was already too late; she saw that from his face. The mocking expression she had come to know so well was twisting his lips, and derision coloured his tones as he said: ‘Game over? I thought so. You haven’t the guts to see it through, have you? At the first sign of danger, you run for cover!’