Whiskey Words & a Shovel I

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Whiskey Words & a Shovel I Page 2

by r. h. Sin


  daddy’s girl

  abandoned by her mother

  everything she’s become

  given to her by a father

  who filled the void

  that her mother left

  12:16 after midnight.

  I was forced

  to survive

  in your absence

  I was faced

  with the realization

  that I never needed you

  days.

  you’re always apologizing

  for the behavior that’ll never change

  one day I’ll stop listening

  one day I’ll stop believing you

  all but nothingness.

  we grew apart

  we stopped trying

  we were no longer us

  we became nothing

  processing.

  I’m trying to get better

  at walking away

  from unhealthy situations

  involving my heart

  winter begins.

  come winter

  a cup of coffee

  and a woman

  with a free spirit

  is best for you

  child within.

  the child in me

  will never forget

  the pain of being left behind

  by the parent

  who was too selfish

  to stick around

  silent thought.

  forced to feel like

  my all was less than enough

  I struggle with the idea

  of anyone loving me unconditionally

  t.b.h.

  sometimes I wish you waited for me

  instead of wasting your efforts

  on temporary distractions

  until I arrived

  I worry.

  you love people

  then betray them

  how am I not

  supposed to fear you

  after you claim to love me

  how am I not supposed

  to question your loyalty

  when you’ve cheated

  on people

  you said you loved

  found in solitude.

  I’m attracted to the silence

  of your absence

  at first, the fear was loneliness

  but I found my peace

  being away from you

  insanity driven.

  women are made

  to appear crazy

  by the very men

  who drive them

  to a place of insanity

  fed up.

  to be totally honest

  I got tired of going through

  the same shit with different people

  we’re guarded.

  guarded because I know betrayal

  guarded because of lies

  guarded because of pain

  guarded because my love

  is not for everyone

  connections.

  connect with someone

  who makes time

  to connect with you

  earliest lesson.

  my parents taught me

  that marriage means nothing

  when there is no honesty

  loyalty and effort

  0722.

  marry someone

  who complements your soul

  among stars.

  every night

  the stars

  envy her

  every night.

  girls

  like you

  deserve a love

  that makes

  it easier to sleep

  during the coldness

  of night

  midnight noise.

  nothing is louder

  than overthinking

  after midnight

  never ready.

  you weren’t ready

  for someone like me

  and I had to accept it

  final departure.

  I left you

  I walked away

  you had so much potential

  but refused to use it

  his issue, not yours.

  it’s not your fucking fault

  you can’t change a man

  you can’t make a man

  love you correctly

  that’s not your fucking job

  understand that most men

  won’t know what to do

  with a woman like you

  and that’s okay

  you my dear

  are not for everyone

  blind and confused.

  I think it started

  beneath the false sense

  of security you provided

  I was manipulated

  into trusting you

  unable to hear the lies

  that at first presented themselves

  as the truth

  the thought of being in love

  is blinding

  the thought that I’d found the one

  filled me with so much confusion

  and I’ve been struggling

  to find my way out of this

  first or many.

  he was your first

  you were one of many

  my eyes ache

  witnessing girls give everything

  to boys with nothing

  my own whisper.

  my mind whispers

  to itself

  all those lovers

  but none of them

  loved you

  full of emptiness.

  maybe the heart cracks

  to empty itself of things

  I no longer need to feel

  and it’s become obvious

  that I no longer need

  to feel for you

  same phrase, same results.

  and so she thought

  that it was love

  but he’d used those same words

  on every broken girl he met

  taking what he wanted

  giving nothing

  leaving them empty

  modern barter.

  bargaining using sex

  either way

  you get screwed

  hung up, hung over.

  I’ve been growing impatient

  trying to survive on empty

  your promises were like rope

  wrapped tightly around my neck

  the chair beneath my feet

  the only thing holding us up

  hers.

  some silence is loud

  year 2008.

  I remember what you don’t

  I recall what you refuse to

  I fight, you sit and watch

  I yell, you tune me out

  everything we are

  became everything we were

  our love, fractured

  broken beyond repair

  wet works midnight.

  midnight nears

  and the moon shines

  its light

  directly toward my pain

  and so

  I’m unable to hide

  my phone in hand

  as if I’m holding on to hope

  awaiting your texts

  anticipating your call

  as if to prove that I matter

  to you

  it won’t happen

  a thought that sounds like a whisper to my heart

  a pistol aimed at my head

  bullets made of disappointment

  penetrating through my sm
ile

  a smile that I originally thought

  was bulletproof

  today was difficult

  and tonight is equally the same

  as my body trembles

  under the weight of my own heartache

  midnight nears and I’m alone

  with the moon

  regretting the day that I allowed you in

  some whiskey wordplay.

  so many men

  fear your strength

  and the fullness of the waves

  in your ocean

  so much they’d prefer puddles

  and that’s fine

  the pain in remembering.

  the memories hurt the most

  they destroy bits and pieces

  of our existence

  draining us of our energy

  keeping us up at night

  sometimes I get tired

  of thinking about the things

  I don’t want to think about

  sometimes I get so fucking tired

  of everything that reminds me

  of you

  1 a.m. restless, always.

  these memories are silent killers

  the way they creep up unannounced

  disguising themselves as innocent

  knowing damn well

  they intend to cause harm

  and if that’s the case

  tonight, you’ll be the death of me

  under the moonlight.

  I remember lying there, quiet

  fading into the silence of

  our four walls and a window

  that gave permission to the moon

  as it watched us from afar

  thinking to myself

  you can’t force someone to realize

  that you’re what’s best for them

  the illusion of good mornings.

  she was his morning coffee

  enough to keep him awake

  until he found someone else

  to consume with his bullshit

  my energy misplaced.

  loving you was draining

  instead of wasting

  my emotional energy

  I decided to forgive you

  and move on

  mountains underwater.

  mountains submerged by water

  dreams drowning, promises scattered

  at the bottom of the sea

  a reversion of my rights signed

  and now my soul feels free

  a California lie.

  screaming bullshit

  until my voice gives out

  and silence is all that is left

  a mountain of dreams

  still in boxes awaiting transport

  under siege by friendly fire

  people I used to trust

  the ship carrying me begins to flood

  the ship carrying me

  now sits at the bottom of the sea

  the ship carrying me was too weak

  to hold my dreams

  the captain was a fraud

  he could never match my drive

  I am safe in New York

  no more California lies

  something for this night.

  tonight won’t be easy

  and you know that

  I know it hurts

  but the pain is necessary

  everything meant to break you down

  will build you up

  and you’ll become stronger

  a broken beautiful muse.

  broken, I cut myself trying to help you

  piece it all back together

  your fragmented heart

  on the bathroom floor

  the door was closed and I could hear

  you weeping even as I was sleeping

  curious to the sound

  awoken by your efforts to hide

  what you could no longer keep hidden

  broken, yet as I looked into your eyes

  I saw strength

  we were different people after that night

  beyond your past.

  come

  allow me to help you

  bury your past

  let us give life

  to our future

  past and present.

  constantly

  I’m always moving on

  you’re always coming back

  leaving for long lengths of time

  only to reappear

  when you fear you’ve been replaced

  the never-ending cycle of what we were

  the constant mistake that we’ve become

  now cold.

  it was your love

  that caused this

  it was you that made me

  this way

  suddenly being heartless

  was better than being heartbroken

  being cold was better than the warmth

  you failed to provide

  all of us.

  all these people

  with pain in their faces

  bruises on their souls

  and cracks in their hearts

  we have found ourselves

  trying to survive the death

  of what we thought was love

  fighting to make sense of a reality

  that is now a lie

  it’s easier said.

  sometimes I wish

  changing my heart

  was as easy as changing

  my mind

  good hearts.

  the only downfall of having

  a good heart

  is that you find yourself

  constantly searching for angels

  inside of demons

  and they wonder why the good

  know so much pain

  devoured.

  devour her the right way

  and her back will rise off the bed

  she’ll bite her lip

  and her thighs will shake and tremble

  devour her the right way and she’ll begin

  to flood the surface of your lips

  and the sheets on your bed

  snowfall in Queens.

  oh, how the snow

  makes the cemetery

  look alive

  the heart vs. the mind.

  I hate it

  the way the heart

  takes too long

  to figure out what the mind

  already knows

  this peacefulness.

  first

  I missed you

  then I learned

  to live without you

  I found comfort in your absence

  I made peace with being alone

  memories in midnight.

  midnight belonged only to us

  she was always down

  and I was always up

  she on her knees

  willing to motivate me

  watching my own funeral.

  you were the death of me

  no wake, just a funeral held

  in memory of the person I was

  before you deliberately destroyed me

  forcibly making me a victim

  in your path of destruction

  what was there to love

  nothing is what I’ve come

  to realize

  but only as I lie here lifeless

  screaming but not being heard

  reaching but you refuse to reach back

  I now know that I was in this alone

  my relationship with you

  now my casket, a tomb
r />   awaiting the burial of the person I was

  gift of the broken.

  it hurts but I find myself

  pretending to be fine

  "I’m okay" has become my favorite lie

  and my smile is usually a mask

  that hides the truth in what I feel

  I’ll say nothing because

  you’ll think I’m weak

  I’ll say nothing and let

  my silence speak

  the gift and curse of the broken

  being able to hide behind lies

  of happiness

  the gift of being strong in a moment

  of weakness

  easier but difficult.

  it’s easier said than done

  is a fucking excuse to stay

  with someone who doesn’t even care

  about keeping you

  let’s be honest, I know it’s difficult

  to leave behind the person

  you care about

  but shouldn’t it be harder

  to hold on to the person

  who doesn’t care about you

  the all of nothing.

  all of those friends

 

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