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Whiskey Words & a Shovel I

Page 5

by r. h. Sin


  masks I.

  there was something so damn special

  about you in the beginning

  you were rare but time revealed

  the most honest parts of you

  it turns out

  everything about you

  was a lie

  and you were just like the others

  never a loss.

  at the end of every day

  I find comfort in knowing

  that I’ve only lost the people

  who never deserved to stay

  poetess.

  you walk around here

  with your head in the clouds

  writing about a love

  that never existed

  a love claimed by a man

  who only used the word

  to get what he was after

  you, calling it a relationship

  when all he did was

  stick around just to sample

  what he’d never truly commit to

  taking all of what he could

  before leaving

  this is the reality

  of what you claim is love

  great regret.

  in all seriousness

  I thought this was real

  I believed in you

  and that’s my greatest regret

  before and after.

  I am no longer

  the person I was before

  I allowed you into a place

  untouched by the hands of anyone

  before you

  I held the door open

  just so that you could walk in

  and make a home out of me

  you took my willingness to allow you close

  and destroyed the walls of my heart

  you took the trust that I gave you

  threw it away as if to say

  I wasn’t good enough

  before you, I was different

  after, I’ll never be the same

  constant.

  that’s the problem

  you’re constantly

  searching for heaven

  where only hell exists

  you’re constantly

  searching for peace

  within a place

  where chaos resides

  you’ve been expecting love

  from the same individual

  who offers

  nothing but hate

  hope kills

  when invested

  in the wrong relationship

  she, flame.

  she was the flame

  that no one could put out

  burning brighter than the sun

  refusing to be taken lightly

  she was driven by

  all the things that caused her pain

  and what failed to weaken her flames

  became fuel

  she is you

  I want you.

  show me the woman

  with scars on the walls

  of her mind from overthinking

  cracks within her heart

  from loving the wrong person

  pain attached to her soul

  but I’ll fight for the chance

  to love her

  a woman like her.

  lying there

  wearing nothing but regret

  eyes swelling with water

  as if her heart

  was being sunk

  flooding, slowly going under

  midnight has rarely

  been kind

  to women like her

  forced to relive

  what would become

  a major mistake

  in trusting someone

  with pieces of herself

  far too valuable

  for most men

  but no one knows

  until it’s too late

  and sadly, the truth

  only reveals itself

  in the end

  forcing the soul

  to be filled with

  so much resentment

  and tonight is just like any other

  a woman with regret

  a woman fighting

  to get past whatever it is

  that keeps her from smiling

  and somewhere amongst the pain

  is a silver lining

  because women like her

  always find ways to survive

  deep within.

  your strength

  is your magic

  never lose it

  emotional hostage.

  he kidnapped her heart

  held it for ransom

  took what he wanted

  with no intention of loving her

  the reasons why.

  and that’s why she stayed longer

  than she should have

  because it hurts to watch

  something you love

  transform into

  something you hate

  she sits and waits for it

  to return to its original state

  in denial as she ignores the fact

  that what she sees was always there

  limitations imitations.

  we could have been great

  this could have worked

  but you insisted on being mediocre

  you placed limitations on us

  so I chose myself

  I chose to move on

  knowing that I deserved more

  my theory.

  you can’t keep a man

  who doesn’t deserve you

  this is why they leave

  this is why they rarely stay

  some word porn.

  she wants to be taken

  mentally starved by a mind

  incapable of stimulating hers

  my knowledge and understanding

  like food for a dying soul

  I became the only thing

  she could think about

  rooftops, lying wide-awake

  and vulnerable under the bright moon

  in lust with the way I speak

  my open mind

  opening her up

  every word, like a thrust

  or stroke as she invited me

  to spill my words on her canvas

  letting go entirely.

  maybe that’s all she wanted

  acknowledgment

  to be appreciated for all the things

  she did

  someone who cared enough

  to make an effort

  the type of appreciation

  that could be felt

  a man who could love her

  in the same fashion

  as she loved him

  I don’t think she was asking

  for too much

  all that she demanded

  was simply what she deserved

  you served her a bunch

  of lies

  and expected her

  to get full

  starving her of the truth

  but one day it happened

  the woman whom you

  only wanted to break

  reached a point where she

  could break no longer

  though you thought

  she’d hold on

  she finally found the courage

  to let go

  passive-aggressive.

  I’ll sit in silence

  I’ll say nothing to you

  but if you continue to

  place me as a secondary concern


  you’ll lose me without warning

  she’s an artist.

  she was broken

  but somehow

  she found peace

  in the pieces

  scattered across

  the floor

  she’s an artist in the way

  she pieces herself

  back together

  to create something stronger

  and a bit more beautiful

  than before

  one of those days.

  it’s almost as if the sun is

  peeking through the dark clouds

  I should be happy

  but I’m not

  lust under moon.

  I don’t think it was actually love

  I was just obsessed

  with the way you made me feel

  on satin sheets

  under the moon

  June ’15.

  what was meant to be

  a celebration of sorts

  sadly, now feels more

  like a funeral

  the transformation.

  I was more in love with

  who I thought you were

  and I hated

  what you became

  reaching.

  open your eyes

  don’t be blinded

  by your heart

  stop holding on to someone

  who is obviously reaching

  for someone else

  losers with benefits.

  the fucked-up thing

  about using someone for sex

  is that you’re probably

  being used just the same

  by someone who doesn’t deserve

  a portion of anything

  you have to offer

  using them while wasting yourself

  pretending to win

  yet constantly losing

  crown me 722.

  she crowned the tip of my head

  with the lips between her thighs

  my Queen made me King

  your sharp tongue.

  lies like razors

  you claimed to be

  telling the truth

  yet I watched you bleed

  from your mouth

  Sin’s choice.

  realizing that I didn’t

  have the courage to love you

  in the way you needed

  I let you go

  because you couldn’t

  I did it for you

  pitch dark.

  after the sun has set

  and the moon decides

  to present itself

  after midnight is when we

  often remember

  the things we try

  our hardest to forget

  December 22nd.

  you are the most beautiful

  type of broken

  I’ve ever seen in my

  entire life

  and though your heart

  is in pieces

  you deserve to be loved

  and I’d like the opportunity

  to be with you, always

  an observation I.

  the women who smile

  the most

  are often the ones

  who experience

  the deepest pain

  she doesn’t wear

  that smile to deceive others

  she smiles because

  it’s a symbol of strength

  often we pretend.

  please notice

  the sadness in my eyes

  but if you ask

  I’ll claim to be fine

  an observation II.

  maybe it’s because you’re strong

  maybe you hold on

  because you’re capable of

  loving him unconditionally

  and maybe he’s just too weak

  to appreciate it

  the wound.

  completely broken

  I cut myself

  trying to get close to you

  several attempts

  I almost bled out

  for you

  us, our future.

  come here

  I’ll help you bury

  your past

  we’ll give life

  to our future

  a sober thought.

  I’ve been missing you

  more than the usual

  either I’ll run out of bullets

  or improve my aim

  that’s where my head is at

  walking toward the future

  I’ve lost count of how often

  I took you back

  the morning after.

  it happens

  you wake up one morning

  and the feelings

  you went to sleep with

  are no longer there

  you picture life

  without that particular person

  and instead of feeling worried

  you begin to smile

  what you felt continues

  to fade

  Sin’s request.

  I want everything

  he took for granted

  I have this desire to explore

  the parts of you he neglected

  but first I’ll work for it

  everything within you

  is not to be given easily

  but earned

  repetitive.

  found pain

  searching for a love

  you couldn’t deliver

  distance between self.

  you know, I’ve been losing me

  for a while

  my reflection appears partial

  as I often feel less like myself

  and further away from the person

  I’d like to be

  my truth.

  in all honesty

  I never miss

  what I walk away from

  there is no regret

  in walking away from someone

  who gave me a reason

  to leave them behind

  burning bridges.

  I’m the one who burns bridges

  just to light my path toward

  a better direction

  I’m the one who uses failed friendships

  and relationships as stepping stones

  toward my future

  under skin.

  her scars, invisible

  she was hurt in places

  no one could actually see

  lustful and lust filled.

  our love was weak

  passion only exchanged over the strength

  of a climax experienced in the back seat

  of a vehicle or on the floor

  next to the mattress

  we rarely slept on

  body talk.

  in a sense

  we rarely talked

  communicating with our bodies

  the arch in your back

  told me everything I needed to know

  journal entries.

  it has always been easy for me

  to get a warm body in my bed

  but finding someone

  who deserved to lie next to me

  was something I struggled with

  your painful truth.

  you pretend that it’s love

  because the truth is too painful

  and being alone is unbearable

  shortest story.

  he moved on

  she stayed there

  waiting


  afraid to be alone

  though loneliness was all

  she’d ever felt

  while being with him

  no explanations.

  hurt me

  and I’ll leave

  without warning

  I don’t owe

  an explanation

  to those who mistreat me

  love of self.

  one day your love

  for self

  will outweigh the love

  that keeps you holding on

  to someone who chooses to hurt you

  one day the love of self

  will be your strength

  that love will be more

  than enough reason for you

  to walk away for good

  the next.

  I don’t grieve the ending

  of any of my relationships

  because I know what’s to come

  will be better than what I’ve had

  a restless soul.

  it rarely gets easier

  the late nights under the moon

  restless, unable to retrieve peace

  slowly losing yourself

  so far from who you were

  and though it doesn’t get any easier

  you find yourself strengthened

  by the pressures of the world

  your potential.

  you were everything

 

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