The Outsmarting of Criminals: A Mystery Introducing Miss Felicity Prim

by Rigolosi, Steven

  Doctor Poe nodded and followed Miss Prim to the rear of the cottage.

  Doctor Prim approached the patio table and pulled out a chair for Miss Prim, as was his wont. After she’d settled into it, he took a seat facing her.

  “I must say, Doctor Poe, you are looking a bit the worse for wear,” Miss Prim began.

  “While you, Miss Prim, look as radiant as ever. Leave it to you to come out of a kidnapping ordeal looking even younger and more lovely.”

  Doctor Poe cleared his throat. “Ahem. So, here we are, Miss Prim; and I must confess, it is not the place I had hoped to be. Now let me explain what happened to you, and then I will be on my way.

  “We have known each other many years, Miss Prim, and I think you know I have never been a man given to exaggeration. I daresay we have long complemented each other in that regard: unimaginative me and creative, enterprising you.

  “As you know, I was quite beside myself with grief when you announced not only your impending retirement but also your desire to enter the field of criminal outsmarting. I suppose I could have lived with both those decisions, but the idea of your moving out of the City and up to Connecticut—that I simply could not accept. Dear Miss Prim, you were the light of the office and the light of my life. And I am not the only one who feels this way. Dolly and Viveca were devastated, and even Zoroastria, not a woman given to tears, became quite morose. As for Norah—well, let’s not talk about Norah, as she is an outlier.

  “The night after you announced that you’d purchased this cottage, Dolly and I were working late and commiserating. Dolly put into words what all of us were feeling. She said she wanted you to be happy, and to have the adventures and experiences that you so strongly desired; but at the same time, she feared for your safety, and she could not bear the thought of being so far away from you. Then she said the words that will live in infamy. ‘Oh, Doctor Poe. If only we could give her the adventure she wants! We could do it safely and ensure that she comes to no harm. Then she’d realize that it’s not much fun being in danger, and that she really does not want to pursue a career that puts her life at risk!’

  “I began ruminating on those words, and before I knew it, I had approached Dolly with my idea. The idea was this: We would find a way to create your first case in a controlled way. Thus you would have your experience of outsmarting a criminal, after which you would wish to return to us in New York. And life would return to normal, but with one change. You would return to the City as Mrs. Amos Poe, not as Miss Felicity Prim.

  “Dolly had her cavils, but I overcame them. Thus we sat down and hatched this plot.

  “To begin creating the sense of menace that we believed you desired, I rented a car and drove to Greenfield, where I applied some makeup to my face and color to my hair in order to disguise myself. Then I began asking about you in town, with the hope that word would get back to you that an unknown man had been making inquiries. Dolly and I took turns calling your home phone and then hanging up when you answered. And, as you suspected, it was indeed I who was lurking in your backyard that evening.”

  Miss Prim thought a moment. “I should have realized something was not quite right when you called me from a cell phone. I know you are as adamantly opposed to those horrific devices as I am. It would have taken much more than pressure from Norah to make you purchase and use such a thing.”

  “Of course you are absolutely correct about my detestation of those devices. But I needed you to think I was in New York City, when I was actually here in Greenfield. A cell phone was the only way to accomplish that. You may have heard about a second man inquiring about you here in Greenfield. That was Benjamin. He was miserable seeing Dolly so lost without you, and he promised his help in our endeavor.

  “After we had achieved our goal of making you feel somehow uneasy, but not truly threatened, in Greenfield, we moved forward with the next part of the plot. This, of course, involved Dolly becoming increasingly uneasy over the fictional situation in which Benjamin found himself.

  “Dolly read a few mysteries by some of your favorite writers, and from the contrived denouements of those novels we thought we understood how the rest of the plot should unfold. We wanted you to aid, and save, a friend who was in danger, and then narrowly escape from the dangerous situation in which you found yourself embroiled.

  “After rejecting several ideas, we decided on a kidnapping. Dolly would come to Greenfield and mysteriously disappear. You would be the one to find her and save her, and you would then get trapped yourself. You’d get rescued by the police, find yourself thoroughly tired of criminal outsmarting, and return home to New York, where you belong.

  “So Dolly and Benjamin came to Greenfield to rent a house for a short period, giving phony names to the real-estate agent. Both Dolly and I felt that using a real-estate agent’s services in this manner would work perfectly, in that they are inveterate gossips who cannot keep a secret to save their lives. Dolly and Benjamin rented the house and we arranged it so that you would find a way inside. We know how enterprising you are, Miss Prim, and we knew you’d find the hidden key. And I felt sure you’d remember how to get that padlock off the basement door, as we had used that technique in the office a number of years ago. In that expectation, I was not disappointed.

  “But we had to get Dolly to disappear from the cottage mysteriously. How would we accomplish that? We all know of your fondness for Mrs. Mallowan’s Lemon Sugar, so Dolly purchased a new brand. We steamed the packages open and I added a safe, mild sedative to them, a gentle tranquilizer that would provide a night of very sound sleep. You drank your tea with the sedative, slept through the night, and found Dolly missing when you arose.”

  “So this is why I could not find the box of Miss Meredith’s Blended Sugar,” Miss Prim stated. “You and Dolly feared that I might use another packet and knock myself unconscious.”

  “Exactly. I picked Dolly up at the cottage and brought her to the farmhouse. To add some verisimilitude to the scenario, Dolly suggested that we take your purse. She’d mentioned that you were using a bell to train your dog, and she thought that the bell might prove useful at some point. She had the idea that she might start ringing the bell to get your attention as you searched the farmhouse. That seemed like a neat novelistic or cinematic trick that you would enjoy. It didn’t quite work out that way, however. When I tied her up, we realized she could not ring a bell with her wrists bound. So we concocted the story Dolly told you, and I emptied the contents of your handbag onto the floor.

  “To provide you a clue to her whereabouts, Dolly left Olivia Abernathy’s business card near the phone. We knew you would call on Olivia, who would inform you about the rented house, and we knew that you would soon be on your way.

  “The plan was simple. You would untie Dolly and rescue her, but the evil Everett Mansour—who, by the way, does not exist—would lock you in the basement as well.”

  Miss Prim had a flash of insight. Dolly had been tied up, but she had not been gagged. Why would any respectable kidnapper tie up the kidnappee but leave her free to scream at the top of her lungs? Why had she not considered this question earlier?

  “So I locked you in the basement and returned to the Two Oaks Inn, at which I had rented a room. I was going to wait a few hours and then place an anonymous call to the police, tipping them off to the location in which you and Dolly were held captive. The police would arrive and you would be liberated. Benjamin would decide that an original copy of Songs of Innocence is not worth imperiling the lives of his girlfriend and her dearest friend; and that would be the end of it. You would have had your adventure and decided to return to Manhattan, and life would go on.

  “But I made the mistake made by too many fictional villains. I decided to throw in one final plot twist. I’d planned to call the police around midnight. But then I thought: No, I will be the one to rescue Miss Prim and Dolly. I had concocted a realistic story about how I’d ascertained your whereabouts. I thought that once you saw me as your savior, you wou
ld accept my proposal of marriage instantly. I had hoped to pull off the mask and reveal myself as your hero, thus stunning and delighting you simultaneously.

  “With my story ready, I returned to the farmhouse, parking my rented car on a different street. But no sooner had I entered than I became aware of the Greenfield police, and your friends, descending on the house. Not knowing what else to do, I hid in the attic. I watched through the windows at the front and rear of the attic as you and Dolly were rescued. Then I watched you climb into the police car and return to the house to retrieve your handbag.

  “I thought: Here is my chance. I will surprise you and say I had shown up at the same time as the police. I decided to keep the mask on to give you the ‘big reveal’ that I knew you would so enjoy. It would not be quite the tale of the knight in shining armor that I had hoped it would be, but it would still demonstrate how deeply I care for you. I had planned to come up behind you and say, ‘Miss Prim, I knew I would find you,’ and then peel off the mask. You would say, ‘Doctor Poe, what a night I’ve had,’ and we would walk out of the house, arm in arm. Instead, you turned around, pulled a taser out of your bag, and shot 50,000 volts into me. But I suppose I deserved it.

  “And there, my dear Miss Prim, is the entire tale. I had hoped the events of the past week would make you my wife; instead, I fear they have inserted a wedge between us that I shall never be able to overcome. I have committed the most egregious error of my life, and I will never forgive myself for it. Miss Prim, you belong in Greenfield. In just one week you have made your mark on this town, and it is easy to see that the people of Greenfield love you as much as Dolly and I do. We have been selfish, Miss Prim. We did not want to share you. We thought only of ourselves, not of you. Never speak to me again, Miss Prim; I shall understand and go home to lick my wounds. But I beg you, do not desert Dolly. She will be inconsolable without you.”

  Doctor Poe stood. “With that, Miss Prim, I must take my leave. Before I depart, however, I wish you to know that I have considered it not only an honor, but also a privilege, to be a part of your life. I offer you my deepest, sincerest apology, as well as my best wishes for your new career and your life in Greenfield.”

  The doctor turned to leave.

  “Wait,” Miss Prim said. As she looked into Doctor Poe’s eyes—his deep, brown, sad, loving eyes—she felt cleft in two. On the one hand, the man she’d trusted fully and completely had plotted and schemed against her. He’d attempted to manipulate her, and he’d almost succeeded. On the other hand, his actions had been driven by love. As Jane Austen and countless other novelists had demonstrated, the course of true love never did run smooth; and, as Mama was fond of saying, all men make mistakes, and they make them quite often. The key to forgiving them is to look in their hearts, to examine their motives, and to understand that men behave in strange ways as a result of testosterone and societal expectations.

  Miss Prim was amazed to find herself feeling suddenly quite light-hearted. In a way, wasn’t it rather adorable, and endearing, that Doctor Poe should go to such lengths to give her the adventure that she had so obviously wanted? He might see his actions as selfish—and perhaps they were, to a certain extent—but weren’t his methods also extremely … thoughtful? How many men, she wondered, would go to such extremes to concoct a mysterious, well-executed plot in which to embroil his beloved?

  What would Mama have done? Miss Prim asked herself, looking to the heavens. And the answer came to her, as clear as a bell.

  “Wait,” she said again, as Doctor Poe looked at her quizzically.

  “Leaving would be most unseemly at this point,” Miss Prim continued. “With everyone gathered under one roof, this is the perfect time to announce our engagement.” As Doctor Poe gasped with delight, Miss Prim added, “Amos.”

  Epilogue

  From on high, Mr. Cornelius Prim and Mrs. Charity Prim watched the proceedings.

  Mrs. Charity Prim sighed.

  “Our daughter is a most remarkable woman,” she said, beaming with pride.

  “Well, my dear,” her husband replied, “how could she be anything but remarkable? You are her mother, after all.”

  Mrs. Charity Prim inclined her head to rest on her husband’s shoulder.

  “I do so love a happy ending,” she said. “And I think this will be a good lesson for Felicity. Happy endings are not limited to fiction.”

  “And to see all my daughters under one roof,” Cornelius said. “I find I just do not have the words to express my feelings. But my heart seems to be glowing. How I wish Ophelia were here.”

  Ophelia LeFevre appeared at Cornelius’s side and locked her arm in his.

  “I am, Cornelius. And I do believe my heart is glowing as brightly as yours.” She turned to Charity. “I owe you a debt of gratitude, Charity, for taking such good care of Cornelius for so many years.”

  “Not at all, Ophelia,” Charity replied. “It is I who must thank you for loving Cornelius so much after my departure.”

  A bell pealed three times in the distance.

  “Time for Junusakey lemonade,” Cornelius Prim said.

  The three of them walked, arm in arm, into the light to enjoy their afternoon refreshment.

  Junusakey Lemonade

  Simple syrup

  2 cups fresh lemon juice

  1/2 cup mint leaves

  To make simple syrup: Place 2 cups sugar and 2 cups water in a saucepan and bring to a boil. Stir until sugar is dissolved and let cool.

  Place lemon juice in a large pitcher, then add 4 cups water and 1 cup of simple syrup. Stir in mint leaves and refrigerate for 1 hour. Serve over ice.

  For a special treat, dip rims in honey and Mrs. Mallowan’s Lemon Sugar before serving.