Latent Memories

by Charlotte Mills

  “Robin?”

  Her words broke my stare. I looked up to see her looking right at me. It took me a few seconds to realise she had said my name. “Yes. I … er.”

  “Please.” She indicated with her hand towards the seat opposite.

  I was still a little surprised she knew my name. I’d felt sure that she must have after her reaction in the carpark, but confirmation is a wonderful thing. I placed my tray down on the table and just managed to see her name before she moved her ID out of sight.

  “Jamie,” I said quietly, unable to meet her eyes as I wiped my sweaty palms on my jeans. I looked up to see her gaze firmly fixed on me. “I … I’m sorry for startling you in the car park last week.”

  She seemed as nervous as I was, which brought me some relief. Withdrawing her hands from the table, her shoulders lifted one at a time as if she was sitting on her hands. Perhaps she was worried she’d give herself away. Her hair was up in some form of clip, exposing her neck. I wanted so much to touch the soft skin it revealed.

  “I’m sorry for running off … I was a little–”

  I cut her off. “Scared of gardeners?” I said with a grin.

  “Wasn’t Freddy Krueger a gardener?”

  “So, you’re saying all gardeners are murderers that invade your dreams! He was a caretaker I think, and we prefer the term landscape technician,” I replied with a grin.

  “You actually know who he is … I’m impressed,” she smiled.

  I knew that smile. I had seen it so many times in my head. Now she was here in front of me, I felt like crying. I rested my elbows on the table supporting my heavy head. I closed my eyes as I rubbed my forehead, trying to slow down the images flashing through my mind. Even from those short snippets, I knew we had been very intimate at one point.

  “Jamie … I …” Even her name felt right. As I said it, I struggled for the right words. “I … We obviously know …” I corrected myself. “… knew each other before …” I didn’t want to mention the accident. “I’m just sorry I don’t remember all of it.” I couldn’t think of how else to say it.

  “It’s so good to see you … You look … good. How are you really?” There was a hint of a grin on her face as she spoke.

  The fact that she had ignored my statement didn’t go unnoticed, but what was I expecting really? I’m not sure I’d even clearly thought that far ahead. She was hardly going to rush into my arms, telling me how much she had missed me. What if my dreams and memories weren’t accurate at all? Maybe we were just acquaintances, ships that passed in the night. I’d had plenty of those in my time. No. That’s not right. It meant more than that, at least to me. But it had been almost two years. People move on. Jamie was a very attractive woman. Why shouldn’t she be happy with someone else?

  I pushed my lunch tray to one side. My appetite had faded the moment I sat down.

  “Pretty good … Recuperated, more or less,” I said, trying to sound positive, even though I felt far from it.

  “Not hungry?” she asked.

  I shook my head.

  “What brings you here today?”

  “Training,” I replied.

  She looked a little confused at my answer.

  “New employee,” I added. “What do you do here?” I asked, regretting how much I didn’t know about her.

  “I work in the leisure and tourism part of the council, looking after venues organising events. Bit like what I did before …”

  “Oh, I see.” I didn’t at all, but I didn’t want to look totally stupid.

  Her attention was drawn to something behind me as footsteps headed our way. A figure appeared alongside us. I kept my eyes on Jamie. She didn’t look too pleased to see them whoever they were.

  “Hi, Jamie. Did you get that info I sent through?” the figure asked.

  I glanced up quickly to see a young woman with blonde hair cut into a short bob.

  “I did, thank you, Gail,” Jamie replied before returning her gaze to me. I couldn’t quite read the expression in her eyes.

  The woman failed to leave at this point. She just stood there. The awkwardness of the situation grew with every second. I looked up again to see the interloper’s eyes fixed on me. Eventually, she got the hint.

  “Okay. Good, I’ll see you later,” Gail said before reluctantly walking off.

  The situation had confused me even more at a time when I was looking for a little clarity. “Is it just me or was that a bit weird?” I said, breaking the silence that had fallen between us.

  “Definitely freaky. She’s probably checking out the fresh new employee,” Jamie replied with a grin.

  “Really?” I grinned back. “I’m not sure she’d be interested in a lowly gardener.”

  “What! I thought you were a landscape technician.”

  “Shhh! I don’t want the Stepford wife to hear you.” That earned me a wider grin for some reason.

  “I have to get back now.” Jamie got up as if to leave but stood there for several seconds, occupying the same spot Gail had moments before. “Robin … I’m really glad you’re okay.” Her hand reached for my shoulder but stopped short. “Maybe we could meet up for a drink sometime … catch up once you’ve had time to settle in.”

  “I’d really like that,” I said, as a slither of hope returning.

  “By the way, regarding your training, remember ‘rules are for fools’.”

  I laughed at her words. “I’ll be sure to pass the word amongst my fellow trainees.”

  She made a quick exit by the nearest door. Although our encounter had been short and sweet, it had probably made me the happiest I’d been in months. My self-doubt had been exonerated. I smiled confidently, engrossed in my thoughts as I stared out the window, barely registering the trees I had worked on trimming back last week after my first happenstance with Jamie. Her name was Jamie, Jamie Buxton. I made a mental note to google her, or maybe not. Our meeting had again fuelled my desire to find out anything I could, but I didn’t want to become some kind of stalker. Not just yet anyway.

  Thankfully, the remaining training was short. I was home by 2.00 p.m., changed and on the beach with Murphy by 2.20 p.m. I’m not sure I would have applied for the job if it was full-time, certainly not with Murphy. Like most dogs her age, she hated being on her own. Taking her for a run on the beach was the least I could do.

  I spent most of the walk daydreaming about bumping into Jamie. The thought of meeting up again filled me with apprehension and excitement at the same time. I took some comfort from our conversation today; it had been light and friendly and most of all confirmed that we had known each other in some capacity. Now I just prayed that the rest of my dreamy memories were also true. The relief I felt knowing that I wasn’t completely crazy, that some of it was at least true, was seriously vindicating. Of course this did bring up some serious questions for me. I, as far as I knew, had never had a serious relationship. I generally preferred simpler, no-strings type of affairs. I could have been wrong but I had a feeling that had not been the case with Jamie, especially if my so-called memories of various social situations with her could be trusted.

  I smiled to myself as I watched Murphy speed along the hard sand towards the breaking waves, now accustomed to running through the waves. The next step would be getting her swimming.

  Chapter 5

  The following day had been long and tiring. Even with renewed confidence in myself, Rhododendron removal was a horrible job. Without the energy to go running, I settled for a paddle in the sea while Murphy ran around like a loon. The cold water was refreshing on my feet after being trapped in safety boots all day.

  I heard a voice in the distance but thought nothing of it. I only knew a handful of people here, so the likelihood of someone trying to get my attention was pretty slim. The voice was closer now, a female voice calling my name. Before I could turn around, a hand grabbed hold of my arm, pulling me around to face them. It was Mia, the woman I’d met on the beach last week. She was frantic, out of breath,
like she had been running, but she was dressed in formal work clothes. Her dash across the harder sand had left small sandy mountains on top of her work shoes.

  “Hey!” I said defensively, as I instinctively pulling my arm back from her firm grip. I glanced around for Murphy, hoping we could make an escape.

  “I didn’t realise who you were before or I’d have said something then!” Her voice was loud even in the wind. I tried to look away, but she kept on circling me, getting in my face. An old couple were rubber-necking as they passed us by. I pleaded for help with my eyes, but they turned back, a look of disgust covering their faces. A prickly fear started to erupt in my body. Why was she doing this to me?

  “Mia … I don’t understand wh–”

  She cut me off before I could ask what was going on. “You need to leave us alone. Jamie doesn’t want you here, not after what you did!”

  “What I did?” I repeated her words. “What are you talking about?” I asked, staring at her red, angry face. Her eyes were puffy from crying. I looked for Murphy again; she was paddling in the sea, heading our way. Shit! Jamie, I realised she said Jamie’s name. “Jamie … What about Jamie?” I asked, frantic.

  “You’ve ruined everything. It’s not fair. You need to leave. We were happy before you came here!” She wiped at the angry spittle that had settled on her face thanks to the wind.

  “But she didn’t …” I thought back to our conversation earlier as my heart began to sink. “Look, I don’t know what you’re talking about?” I repeated, getting more and more frustrated as her angry words registered. So Jamie had a girlfriend. Why didn’t she say something? What the hell did I do to make Mia so angry, let alone Jamie?

  “You … you’ve brought back all these terrible memories for her. She hates it. She hates you!”

  “What memories?” I asked as her words sank in – she hates me, Jamie hates me.

  She made a final attempt to make me understand her point by pushing me hard on my left shoulder. I stumbled back, just managing to stay on my feet as Murphy appeared at my side.

  “You cheated! You nearly broke her! Go back to where you came from! Fuck off and leave us alone!”

  I stood there in stunned silence at her words – she hates me – Go back to where you came from. Her words echoed in my head as she retreated behind the sand dunes. What had I done? Her words came flooding back to me – You cheated! I’m a cheater? I cheated on Jamie? Were we lovers and I threw it all away?

  I felt Murphy’s cold, wet nose rub against my fingers and looked down at her worried eyes as she nervously wagged her tail. “Come on, let’s go home.”

  Maybe she was right. I should go. I didn’t want to be anywhere I wasn’t wanted. It was only a temporary contract. I could easily get out of it, go back to Manchester, kick my tenant out of my flat. And do what? Go back to work? I’d already tried that; it didn’t work or rather I didn’t work. I felt useless and insufficient. I couldn’t handle knowing I wasn’t the person I was before. Maybe if I went back I could get a similar gardening job locally?

  I had come down here for a reason, a good reason that had been right so far. Jamie had been haunting me since rehab. At least I knew for sure there had been something between us. This certainly wasn’t the way I wanted to find out about our demise.

  A cheater? Me? I might be a lot of things but I knew I wasn’t a cheat. I might be a commitment-phobe, but my morals weren’t that loose. My work schedule barely gave me the time to date one person let alone two.

  Chapter 6

  The sound of Murphy barking slowly woke me from my slumber and the frenzied knocking that followed made me tentatively pull at the eye mask I had been wearing. Taking the time for my eyes to adjust to the dim light of the room, I assessed the pain in my head. Deciding it had subsided enough for me to stumble towards a noisy Murphy, I realised that someone was still at the door. I hesitated before opening it, not wanting another confrontation with Mia. I thought maybe it was Miles, checking up on me. After my run in with Mia, I’d phoned in sick on the Thursday, with the promise that I would come in on the Friday to make up for it. Unfortunately, my migraine had failed to play along. I’d spent most of the last two days holed up in bed feeling as sick as a dog. Migraines were an occasional side effect of my accident, generally only appearing at times of great stress.

  “Robbie … it’s Jamie. I’m not going till you open the door,” were the muffled words that filtered through the door. Not many people called me Robbie; there was a familiarity in her words. I stood there in my bed shorts and skimpy T-shirt considering my options. She must have heard me loitering.

  “I brought you some food,” she continued, which considering I hadn’t eaten all day weakened my resolve. I opened the door just wide enough for Murphy to stick her head out and hopefully for me to grab the food. Wriggling her chubby body, Murphy managed to push the door open out of my hands.

  “Hey, buddy.” If she was surprised to see Murphy she didn’t show it. She looked up at me with what looked like relief on her face. “I heard you were off sick. I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

  I watched as she tried to stroke the overexcited puppy at her feet.

  “Look, it’s okay. You don’t have to be nice to me. Your girlfriend told me.” I was still so confused about what Mia had said, even though I knew some of it had to be true deep down. It had made several things fall into place, but at the same time left a lot more questions.

  I felt her eyes on me as she looked me up and down, making me horribly aware of my lack of clothing in front of what was a stranger in many ways to me. I pushed the eye mask further off the top of my head as I considered going to get dressed, as Jamie obviously wasn’t leaving anytime soon, considering the amount of food in the bag.

  “Told you what exactly?” she asked with a hint of annoyance in her voice.

  I felt the weight of her stare as she tried to hold the bag high enough out of Murphy’s reach while still fussing her.

  “What I did to you,” I said in a small voice.

  Jamie straightened up with a confident stance ready to walk straight through me. “You don’t know what you did, do you? And she’s not my girlfriend anymore.” She squeezed by me, making her way into the kitchen.

  I was a little shocked at her words and a little grateful that I wouldn’t have to see Mia again. “Oh … I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”

  “Wasn’t meant to be … I’m sorry if she upset you. She was angry at me and took it out on you. What did she say exactly?” Jamie asked, as she placed the bag on the kitchen table.

  My mind went back to the conversation with Mia on the beach. I rubbed my eyes, trying to remove the memory. With so many blanks and jumbled memories floating around in my head, I’d do anything to forget that particular conversation with Mia. I tried to keep the emotion out of my voice. “She told me you hated me and that I was unfaithful … said I’d really hurt you … and to stay away from you.”

  “I’m so sorry, Robin. It’s my fault … Is that why you’re off work?”

  “So it’s true.” I just needed to hear her say it. I dropped the eye mask on the table in favour of holding onto the back of the nearest chair. I could feel the tension in my muscles as I gripped it as hard as possible. “You should have told me when I first got here. I would have left … moved on.” I could feel my head start to pulsate as frustration and disappointment at my own crappy behaviour grew.

  “No, it’s not true, Robin … and I don’t want you to go. I …”

  I felt the tears well up in my eyes. “Why? … After what I did … I can’t stand to think about it.”

  She stepped a little closer to me. “Listen to me; you didn’t do anything. It was all a misunderstanding. I was stupid enough to listen to what Lucy said about you and her. I was going to ask you about it, but you had the accident on your way to meet me. I didn’t get the chance.”

  “Lucy? I was coming to meet you?” My mind was in overdrive.

  “Yes … you were
driving here from London to spend the weekend with me.”

  “You didn’t live here, though?” I asked, confirming my own memories.

  “No, my Aunt Lou lived here.”

  Rubbing my eyes with my thumb and forefinger, my head whirled with memories flashing up in front of my eyes. I had to open them to get some peace. I looked down, seeing her hand on my arm.

  “Do you remember Lucy?” she asked softly.

  “Uh yeah, she worked for us … surveying and landscaping. James said she had a thing for me, but I never encouraged it … She used to try and get me to go out with her, even though I wasn’t interested. She didn’t like to take no for an answer.” I looked up to see Jamie had taken a seat at the table next to where I was standing.

  “I spoke to her a few times in York, but only about work stuff. She wasn’t there long,” Jamie continued.

  “There’s a reason for that. James said I asked him to recall her to Manchester because she was acting weird towards me. I never thought she would do anything like that.” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.