Latent Memories

by Charlotte Mills

  Jamie moved towards the bed, sitting down on the edge. “I really fucked things up when I walked away. I know that … It’s my fault … I’m so pleased you’re back in my life.”

  “It’s not your fault. Don’t say that. The situation was against us,” I said calmly, not wanting this conversation to escalate. “Are you really pleased?” I foolishly asked, although I already knew the answer. I just wanted the conversation to move on.

  “Of course, really,” she confirmed with a slight tone of frustration. “You’re the love of my life. You know that don’t you?”

  I froze at her words. They triggered something deep inside my brain. I thought about the little black, velvet box that had haunted me since the accident. I asked the only person I thought could help me at the time, James, but he knew nothing about it. I obviously hadn’t confided in him as to my intentions. I even wondered if it was mine at one point, but no one else had made a claim on it. From checking my bank statements, I knew that I’d purchased it before leaving London. I just struggled to believe that I, the world’s worst commitment-phobe, had been willing to make that kind of commitment.

  “I am?” I managed to say at last trying to shut off the emotions she brought to the surface with those few words.

  “Yes.” Her voice was small in contrast to her earlier outburst.

  I walked over, stepping in front of her. Her eyes were bleary with alcohol and exhaustion. I reached out, cupping the side of her face, rubbing her cheek with my thumb. “I think we’re meant to be together. I know it hasn’t been easy, but everything happens for a reason.” I knew I’d said too much. I was relying on Jamie not fully remembering this conversation in the morning.

  “You do?” Her face held a soppy grin.

  “I do.” Leaning forward, I pulled at the duvet. “Now, in,” I said, indicating the space behind her with a nod of my head. Satisfied with our conversation, Jamie dutifully swung her legs around into bed. Covering her up, I kissed her softly on her cheek. “Sleep well. I’ll see you in the morning. There’s water on the side when you wake up.”

  Turning off the light, I went to my room to think about what I’d just revealed. I’d told the truth, but maybe it was too early to be saying things like that. I didn’t want to mess her around. Picking up my old phone, I quickly unlocked it using my usual password. I went to the pictures first; there were hundreds of them. Moving to the ones with the latest dates on, the last picture I’d taken was of the side of a building. I couldn’t quite work out the relevance. Working back through the album, there were a number of photos of rings, engagement rings. From the resolution, it looked like they had been snapped from a computer screen. There were a couple of different styles. I was obviously shopping around. I wasn’t too surprised; I’d half expected to find them considering I’d had a ring on me at the time of the accident. Scanning through more photos of buildings and images from books, there was one of Jamie leaning against some railings overlooking a beach. She looked happy as she smiled into the camera, shielding her eyes from the bright sunshine that reflected off her short, blonde hair. I felt tears form as I realised how costly my accident had been, not just for me but Jamie being left to cope with a dying aunt, even James with the business we had started together.

  I flicked through the texts and call lists; Jamie, James and Mike were my most common contacts. I smiled as I read some of the obnoxious texts James and I passed to one another. I missed that. It wasn’t quite the same with Miles. In contrast, my texts to Jamie were far slushier with talk of promises and the anticipation of spending time together. Familiar stirrings began to surface at the memory of being intimate with Jamie.

  Knowing me and my embarrassment at public speaking, I’d have made copious notes on how I should go about the task of asking Jamie to marry me. Tapping on the notepad symbol, there were a number of titles I recognised as projects we’d worked on. The last two on the list stood out: speech and venues. I took a deep breath as I opened the ‘speech’ note. There were lots of starting points about how Jamie had changed my life, how I loved her more and more each day, but nothing that seemed to string together. There it was in the last entry – You are the love of my life. Jamie’s voice echoed in my ears as she said those same words.

  All this after only seven months together. Jamie had already told me that I had something I wanted to ask her when I got here before my accident rudely cut my journey short. With all the evidence in front of me, I couldn’t deny it any longer. It was surprising, but in many ways it was a relief to know a little more about my relationship with Jamie and my state of mind at the time.

  With no more notes, I figured I must have had the speech all in my head. Going back a page, I saw I’d even thought about places or rather countries where we could have the ceremony.

  Chapter 18

  I woke up early, unable to sleep. The view through the side window in my room did nothing to calm me. The bright day beyond pulled me from my bed. I had to get up and do something to escape the thoughts scuttling through my brain. As I dressed in running gear, I spotted the small velvet box on the chest of drawers.

  Sleeping on it had afforded me the time to realise that maybe it was just the shock that had freaked me out so much. It wasn’t hard to understand why I’d wanted to ask Jamie to marry me; her beauty, charm and sense of humour were all very attractive to me. We were compatible in so many ways, not to mention in the bedroom. I’d had a taste of that already and it was hard to forget.

  The fact that I’d held it together for seven months and then felt ready to ask her alarmed me, having never had those feelings for anyone before. Was I scared and felt the need to hold on with both hands, or did I genuinely feel that she was the one? If Jamie had any inclination she hid it well. That in itself posed another question. Should I tell her now? Would it just make her feel bad all over again for walking away? Which she obviously still felt after our conversation last night. Maybe it would give her hope that we might get to that place in our relationship again.

  Picking up my trainers, I crept along the landing, signalling Murphy to follow me. Spying through the crack between Jamie’s bedroom door and the frame, I could see she was still flat out. A feeling of déjà vu followed me as I crept down the stairs, my head in turmoil as Jamie slept soundly once again.

  ***

  Sitting at the breakfast bar to steady myself, I planned my route to the nearest sink or toilet. My stomach was on a fast spin cycle, my hand gripped the now-empty water bottle in front of me. It gave under the pressure, the cracking noise of plastic making my head pulsate. After a pacey jog along the beach, I had decided to run at full pelt for as long as I could, making it almost back to Jamie’s before almost collapsing.

  Distant footsteps made me feel worse, if that was possible. I really wasn’t in a position to face anyone, let alone Jamie, right now.

  “Hey. What’s up with Murphy?”

  I glanced over at her crashed out on the floor. She didn’t even move at the sound of her name. “Tired,” I said, keeping my answer short in case my water decided to reappear.

  “Been for another run?” Her voice was bright, making my head hurt.

  I nodded my head in reply as she came closer. Was she always this perky the day after a big night out? I felt my mouth watering and rapidly tried to swallow the excess fluid back down.

  “Are you okay? I’m sorry for waking you up last night.” Jamie appeared next to me.

  “No problem,” I said quickly.

  “You look really pale. Are you ill?”

  “Yes,” I whispered.

  Her hand went to my forehead, checking my temperature. “You’re roasting. Do you have flu, or is that just sweat I’ve covered my hand in?”

  I shook my head then quickly regretted it. My mouth continued to water profusely as I considered my next words carefully. “Ran until I couldn’t breathe … then drank too much, too fast.”

  “Why–?”

  I cut her off as I dodged past her to the downstairs
toilet, slamming the door behind me. Some things require a little privacy and this was definitely one of them.

  “Robin, are you–?”

  The next disgusting noise answered her question.

  “I’m pretty sure that should be me in there after what I drank last night.”

  Her words did little to comfort me. “Not helping,” I said, staggered upright to wash my face in cold water. ‘Better out than in’ was not a notion I felt at this moment.

  Feeling slightly more human, I dried my face before opening the door. Jamie was waiting for me, a look of concern on her face. I spoke before she could.

  “I … you said something last night that made me remember what I was going to talk to you about before the accident.”

  Her eyes widened at my words. “I did? What did I say?”

  My mind immediately went to the small box in my room. “Give me a couple of minutes. I just need to freshen up.” Running upstairs, I felt a wobble in my legs as I grabbed my towel and took a quick shower. Still unsure if I was doing the right thing, considering how well we were getting on lately. I didn’t want to jeopardise that. I cleaned my teeth before leaving the bathroom and saw that Jamie was sitting at the top of the stairs, a look of dread on her face. There was no going back now.

  “I’ll be two minutes,” I said with a smile, hoping to allay some of her fears.

  Dressing quickly in a T-shirt and shorts, I slipped the box in my pocket and grabbed my old phone before taking a seat next to her on the top step of the stairs. Jamie’s hands were dangling between her thighs, anxiously clutching each other. Her cast was due to come off in two weeks and thankfully much of the earlier pain she’d suffering had subsided. Taking her right hand in mine, I threaded my fingers through hers before I began.

  “When I went to see James last month he gave me my old phone, the one I had at the time of my accident.”

  “Okay.” Her tone had relaxed a little as she focused on our entwined fingers.

  I held the phone up in my free hand. “With all the stuff that’s been going on and work I forgot about it for a while. Last night, I put it on charge to see if there was anything on it from us, photos or texts, anything really …”

  “And?”

  “Uh, well … there were lots of calls and texts, a few photos of us and lots of stuff I have no idea about and some of rings … engagement rings!” The timbre in my voice noticeably dropped.

  “Engagement rings!” She repeated my words with astonishment in her voice.

  “Also, there’s this.” I pulled the small velvet box from my pocket, holding it in the palm of my hand. “I had it with me when I had the accident.”

  “What is it?” Jamie asked with a frown, although it must have been obvious from its size.

  Handing it to Jamie, I opened it with my free hand, revealing the white gold engagement ring.

  “Holy fuck!” Jamie covered her mouth with nervous fingers coming out of her orange cast as she stared at the ring. She rarely swore. It always brought an involuntary grin to my face when she did.

  “I bought it before I left London. I also made some notes on where we could get married, too,” I said, scrolling through the various pages to show her. “Here.” I handed her the phone.

  “A desert island … San Francisco … Colorado?” she questioned as she handed back the phone.

  “I know, so we could go trekking after I guess.”

  “Jesus! That’s what you were going to ask me about? I wonder where we’d be now if you’d …” She didn’t finish her sentence.

  I frowned at my phone as I opened the speech notes I’d made. Was she trying to tell me she’d have said yes had I had the chance to ask?

  “Do you know what your answer would have been?” I murmured as I looked up, meeting her eyes, unsure if I actually wanted an answer.

  Her smile faltered a little as my words sank in, pulling her back off her natural high.

  “Sorry, I shouldn’t have–”

  Her hand reached for mine again, giving it a clench, stopping my words. “I would have definitely been surprised … but I think I’d have said yes.”

  “Wow!” It was a good job I was sitting down. I felt tears threaten for the second time today. At least this time I wasn’t hunched over a toilet bowl.

  “I know I was drunk last night, but I meant what I said. It might have been short lived before, but you were and are the love of my life.”

  I smiled as she rubbed the back of my hand with her thumb. “When you said that last night it sparked something in my head. I found a few notes on what I was going to say to you.” I closed the phone, placing it on the floor next to me.

  “Can I see?” she asked hopefully with a broad smile.

  “No. I don’t think so. Who knows? I might need them sometime.”

  “Come on, let me see!”

  She stretched her body across mine, making a grab for the phone. I managed to push it under my back before leaning back to lie on it just in time to prevent her grasp. Jamie continued to blindly grapple to my right while I surreptitiously used my left hand to slip it into my back pocket. Realising her mission was fruitless, she settled on her back next to me with a grunt.

  “Bastard!”

  I laughed at her outburst as I reached out, pulling her tight next to me. It felt so natural to have her in my arms. Our outward affection, albeit intermittent, had grown over the weeks after the initial awkwardness of overexposure had passed. I felt her move next to me before she broke the silence that had fallen between us.

  “Thank you for telling me. I know you didn’t have to. How do you feel about it? Are you freaked? You look a bit freaked.”

  “I do?” I said, turning to face her.

  “Of course. It could be the fact that you threw up about ten minutes ago.”

  We both jiggled with laughter. “It’s a mix of shock and surprise I guess, but … it feels good to know the truth, like the waters finally clearing.” I closed my eyes against the white ceiling as her arm stretched across my stomach, gripping my side.

  Chapter 19

  Leaning on the island in Jamie’s kitchen, I zoned out Jules Holland as I pencilled in the new intended layout of North Cliff Park on a site map I’d sneakily printed out at work. I’d been to the park a couple of times now; it looked worn and tired and in need of a serious revamp. Miles had shown me some of the plans we were due to implement in the coming weeks. All the new seating, flower beds, tree planting, even a skate park at one end looked good, but it didn’t seem quite right. The materials for some of the new components were dull and off the peg. There wasn’t any real style to it. I wanted to see if I could do any better. Surfing through some outdoor sculpture projects, my mind started to drift as movement from someone on the floor above started to occupy my mind.

  After the initial shock and jubilation at my intended proposal, Jamie had seemed a little subdued in the last few days, almost reluctant to go to work. Her boss leaving had certainly had an effect on her enthusiasm for her job, but I knew it was more than that. I got the feeling she was finding it difficult being around me sometimes. It was over a month ago now that I’d made it clear we needed to take our time and not jump into anything too fast, but now, after spending so much time together, I was starting to get twitchy. God knows how she felt.

  I thought back to the other night when I got up to use the loo. I was just about to walk past her room when I heard groaning noises coming from inside. The darkness and a partially closed door made it impossible to see inside. I thought for a moment it could have been the TV, but I knew she didn’t have one in her room. She wouldn’t have brought anyone back after declaring her feelings for me; we were in the process of rebuilding our relationship. I might not have known her that well, but I knew she wouldn’t do that. It left only one answer. Hovering for a moment, I wanted to look inside to see what she was doing to herself to make those noises. I wanted to be in there with her even more. That thought no longer surprised me or scared me, not afte
r the time we had spent together lately. Normal people, when they’re dating, not including myself of course, spend a couple of dates getting to know each other before getting more intimate and developing the relationship or calling it quits and moving on. We, on the other hand, had gone about it the opposite way: a night of passion followed by a glut of cosy evenings and lazy days together cooking, eating and watching DVDs. Helping Jamie bathe and get dressed had been hard; seeing her so vulnerable and not being able to fully comfort her was difficult. We seemed to manage or be satisfied with a cuddle as we sat on the sofa or a kiss on the cheek to say goodnight or goodbye. That wasn’t enough for me anymore and I knew it wasn’t enough for Jamie either.

  The sound of padded feet entering the room made me look up from my tablet.

  “Hi. I thought you’d gone to bed.”

  “Umm, just needed a drink.”

  She pulled a bottle of water from the fridge, taking a long drink as she focused her attention on the TV on the far wall. “Ooh! Do you remember this song?” She reached for the remote control, tuning it up a few notches.

  It took me a few beats to recognise the song. It was a version I hadn’t heard before. “Uh, its ‘Midnight Train to Georgia’ isn’t it,” I said as the music filled the room.

  “Yep, but do you remember dancing with me when this song was playing?”

  “Me dancing? Are you sure?”

  She quickly moved towards me, placing her bottle of water next to my book.

  “I should warn you, I’ve got two left feet,” I said, knowing any attempt at escape was futile.

  “You already did.”

  She took my hand, pulling me into some open space. Her body felt perfect next to mine. We slotted together like a tight-fitting dovetail joint. I breathed in her familiar, freshly showered, fruity aroma. Every morning and evening the scent seemed to linger in the bathroom. Her hair was tied back in a ponytail, still slightly damp from her shower. Just spending a few weeks in Jamie’s company had brought back so many memories and feelings of the past, the little things that meant so much.