Missing Beats

by K. L. Shandwick

  Our home wasn’t big but Mom and Dad welcomed Kane to stay while we figured things out, and Jacob moved over to Matt’s. Or so he said; Kane and I knew he was more than likely staying with his girl, Ann-Marie, he just wouldn’t admit there was more going on there, though we knew there was. It felt weird that Kane was sleeping in the next room to me, it wasn’t as if no one knew we’d ever slept together, we shared a child. But we were both physically recovering from wounds, and psychologically I wasn’t in the best place for anything romantic. I was in love with Kane, but I was also trying not to be afraid to love him if that makes sense. As we all tried to learn to live with our new situation, Jacob made a comment one day to Kane about how fucked up our situation was, but Matt interjected on our behalves, and said, “Nah, it’s fuckin’ rock stars, Jacob. They never do anything like the rest of us.” It was Jacob’s blunt insight and Matt’s matter of fact response that gave me the acceptance I needed to move on.

  Moving forward meant facing worries and being in touch with fears and doubts. Kane hadn’t put a foot wrong since we’d been home and appeared to take Ellie and our whole situation completely in his stride. I had marveled at his strength until one night, when I was taking fresh towels to his room and entered his bathroom, I heard a noise. At first I thought he was humming and smiled, but when I saw he was in the shower with his hands over his eyes facing into the spray as it beat down on him, I realized he was crying. My heart crushed in my chest under the weight of his grief and I understood how difficult life was for him with the changes he’d made to be with us. When he removed his hands and turned he saw me standing there. I was glad that he didn’t try to hide is feelings when he said, “I’m happy here, Jo…with you and Ellie. I’m just adjusting to having a baby I love more than life itself who’s so tiny and been through so much, you know?” Placing the towels down I opened the door, fully clothed, and stepped inside the cubicle with him. Both of us stood holding each other and I cried along with him until the water ran cold.

  *****

  For the first five weeks of Ellie’s life, Kane was still recovering from his ordeal, attending physiotherapy, and focusing on his voice and breathing exercises. It was remarkable how quickly he regained his strength. His physio said it was his positive mental attitude and determination that helped that along. While Kane concentrated his efforts on getting better, I settled into a routine with our daughter. By Christmas all three of us were physically healed, and emotionally more settled. My optimism was at an all-time high.

  From the second week we were home Kane’s cell rang regularly with enquiries about his health from his bandmates, PA, record label, and promotions companies. I was glad they showed concern. All the while he continued to brush them off I was happy, but I knew it wouldn’t last. I was nervous about that and as scared as hell that he’d put himself out there again after what had happened. But I was learning to accept that it was Kane’s choice to do what he wanted with his life. As long as he gave us respect and his decisions didn’t overshadow mine and Ellie’s lives.

  Meanwhile, fatherhood suited him down to the ground, he was the doting father. Some nights I’d awoken to the sound of soft singing coming through the nursery monitor in my room. When I had gone to investigate, I’d found him nursing a diaper-clad Ellie close to his bare chest, while he sang her some lyrics that I had suspected mimicked what he was feeling at the time.

  When New Year’s Eve arrived, my parents left for a cruise they had booked the year before for my grandma’s birthday. It marked a watershed, leaving Kane and I alone with Ellie for the week. Nerves kicked in the moment their car left the driveway because it was the first time we had been on our own since I had seduced him in my apartment. The most private time we’d had up until then had been a few hours at a time. I had expected him to get fed up with our domestic arrangement and push for more because it couldn’t have been easy for him to change and live my mundane lifestyle after his previous year’s success, but he had never complained, and the precious little time we did have alone was spent talking, getting closer, and sometimes we made out.

  Ellie was a great baby, she slept from 6:00 pm until around 03:30 or 04:00 am, waking once to feed in the night then sleeping again until 07:00 am. One night, when Ellie had gone to bed, Kane had started on dinner while I had a soak in the tub. It was ridiculous, but I felt so shy. With everything we’d been through I still felt shy.

  Softly, Kane knocked on the bathroom door but didn’t wait to enter. I curled up in the tub when I saw his head peer around the door and he smirked mischievously. “Babe, you don’t have to do that. I’ve seen it all before remember? Actually…I remember, hmm,” he teased, wagging his eyebrows. He even managed to hum flirtatiously.

  “I was coming to tell you dinner was all set, but seeing you in there like that, all wet and naked, it jogged my memory that I’ve never seen you in the tub before. Can I get in there with you?”

  “What? No,” I giggled. “I’m just getting out, if you would just—”

  “Shh, Jo, you’re flustered and babbling. It’s cute, but I’ve been so fucking patient these past few weeks…I don’t want to have sex with you, that’s your move. I just want to hold you and feel that intimacy. I’ve been craving it since the day I held your hand in that hospital room. I’ve had plenty of skin to skin with one of my girls and not enough with the other. It’s been killing me.”

  Without waiting for me to answer, Kane loosened the buckle on his belt and undid his pants. He grabbed the sleeve of his T-shirt and pulled the whole thing over his head. I’d never seen anyone take a T-shirt off like that before or so quickly. My eyes fell to his already hard cock then traveled up his legs and over his abs, continuing up to his face. He was a stunning man, even after weeks of recovering from the attack, he was still as taut as ever. I felt I knew what a drug addict saw when they craved that next fix. He was so alluring, his smile was seduction without effort, his body a shiny coin waiting to be held.

  His hand slid to his cock and he stroked it a couple of times then smirked at me. “What can I say? He definitely likes you, Jo.” He continued to stroke himself as he made his way to the side of the bath. Kneeling beside me he took my chin between his thumb and his index finger, pulled my face closer and kissed me. There was nothing gentle in the kiss. It was full on passion, hunger and need. His tongue lashed against mine as his other hand swept around the back of my head and pushed me closer. Kane broke the kiss and stood. Initially I thought he was going to get in, but he bent down and lifted me clean out of the water and carried me back to his room.

  My hands flew to my belly, to the ugly red scar that was there. Gripping my wrists he held them away as he examined the healed wound from the birth. “Don’t ever be embarrassed about this. I never want you to feel ashamed of the way Ellie was born. When I see this, it reminds me of the length you went to that ensured her safe passage into this world. It’s something you should wear with pride. It fills my heart…reminds me how proud I am of you and it’s a badge of honor. Not many girls would have taken the choice you did, and if they did, I doubt they’d have tried to protect those they loved for the time you did, Jo.”

  Pressing his closed lips to my belly, he peppered kisses along the scar, taking his time to cover every inch of my skin. Moments later his lips slid to my thighs, first the left then the right. “Trust me. I won’t hurt you, I promise,” he whispered. “I just need to taste you, Jo.” His mouth and hands slid over my wet skin until they met at my knees, trailed up my thighs and spread my legs apart.

  A finger traced my pussy, and that tiny touch after so many months, was like the spark of a lit fuse within me. My whole body came to life as an electrical charge coursed through me and pulled at my core. “Oh,” I moaned, my legs slightly vibrating with tension and anticipation of his mouth connecting with the soft lips between my legs.

  Kane inhaled deeply. “Fuck, I love you.” The passion in his voice took his pitch an octave lower, raising his level of seduction. T
he effect was incredibly enticing. When he lowered his mouth his tongue swept delicately over my clit and my butt jerked up to meet his mouth. His tease made me desperate and he snickered. Glancing up, his eyes connected with mine as a smile played on them. “Damn, I should have asked, is it okay if we fool around?” he questioned with a smirk as he dipped his head and swept his tongue the length of my entrance.

  Feelings I had almost forgotten fizzed erotically through my body, while shivers and goosebumps of delight ran rampant over my skin and through every vein of my being. The way his hands explored as his mouth devoured was a combination handled with a level of expertise and care I had only known from him. It had been a long time since I’d felt them, it was like a second awakening of lust and desire I had never expected to feel again. The sensation built so quickly inside me until suddenly a burst of white light behind my eyes was followed instantly by an explosive orgasm so heady I thought I might pass out. My whole body quivered uncontrollably as Kane held my legs tighter and continued his delicious assault on my sweet spot.

  When he eventually stopped, he slid up on the bed beside me and held me so protectively that a wave of emotion gripped me by the throat and I cried. “It’s okay, Jo. You’re just a bit overwhelmed, babe. I’ve got you,” he murmured quietly into my ear. Kissing me tenderly on my neck and shoulders he pulled the comforter up over us and lay quietly while I wept silently.

  I must have fallen asleep and when I woke, Kane was kneeling by the bed in his T-shirt brushing my hair gently away from my eyes. “Come downstairs, babe, it’s almost 9:00 pm, dinner is ready.”

  I wrapped myself in a bath robe and headed downstairs. I felt bad that he had given me pleasure and I had been so selfish.

  A wide smile greeted me as I entered the sitting room and my heart leapt in my chest. The room was in semi-darkness with the glow of the fire and a small tiny lamp the only lighting. My parents had a log fire which burned all winter long, and Kane had refueled it. It glowed brightly. Kane sat, Indian style, on the floor and beckoned me to sit down beside him. Burritos weren’t what I’d normally eat on New Year’s Eve, but they were perfect because I was sharing them with Kane.

  “So this year kinda sucked and was wonderful at the same time, huh?” His eyes twinkled with warmth and I could see the flames from the fire mirrored in them.

  “Sucked? I think that is putting it mildly.” Kane gave me a look of concern.

  “Most of your shit is down to me, huh? I’m really sorry for everything that happened. Ellie aside, I could never be without her now.” Fearing Kane was with me out of some sense of duty, I had to pose that question.

  “Is that why you’re here? Because you feel responsible?”

  He huffed a huge sigh, “You mean are you a pity fuck? You know me better than that. I’d never stay with someone out of a sense of responsibility. It has to be love. Life is fucking short.”

  “You keep saying that. What if you decide you prefer something else, would you change your mind because ‘life is short?’ ” I actually cringed because I used inverted commas to emphasize his words.

  “Do you doubt I love you? I’m here because I love you. I’m not here out of responsibility, I swear. Look…I was going to do this tomorrow, but I can’t wait since you feel in doubt…wait here.” He left the room and ran upstairs then came back carrying a brown business-type envelope.

  “Open it.” I looked inside and recognized hospital headed notepaper. It was an appointment for a vasectomy the following week. “I’m really serious about this, Jo. I will never put you or any other baby through what you went through, but what I want to know is, are you with me on this?”

  “Of course I am. It’s a huge step but if you don’t want to risk—”

  “We don’t want to risk…I want to know, Jo. Will you marry me?”

  “Because of Ellie?”

  “Fuck no. What does it take to make you understand, Jo? Because of us and Ellie. I love you, and I love Ellie. I could never imagine being with another woman now I’m with you. Do you know how hard that is? I’ve not been laid for almost two months and I don’t fucking care. Well I do, my balls are blue, and my cock and my hand have their own courtship going on. What I’m saying is you are what’s important. Ellie is what’s important. My own needs come after. Only after you guys are happy can I ever allow myself that pleasure. See?”

  “So this is how you propose to a girl? No shooting stars and chocolate? A vasectomy appointment?” I snickered.

  “Sorry, babe, stabbed rock stars and burritos, we never do anything lame and cheesy like that.” Kane grinned widely and I was so in love with him, I didn’t really care how he proposed, I just couldn’t resist a final taunt.

  “So no cheese, huh? From where I’m sitting that makes you a liar, Kane, because there’s a mountain of cheese on these burritos.”

  Kane swung me around on the floor and climbed over me like he used to do when we were kids. “So, do you surrender? Am I enough of a Prince to take you on horseback to Nirvana?” he asked with his sexy smile that made me think he could take me any way and anywhere he wanted.

  “Would answering this marriage proposal be seen as an agreement given under duress?”

  “Well I could always fuck you into submission if you prefer,” he countered playfully, although the way he said it was gruff and I could hear the frustration in his voice.

  “I do. I mean I will…the…I do will come later, right?”

  “I think you were thinking about me fucking you when you answered. You want me to do you? What is it they say? The first answer is usually the most honest thought?” Kane’s eyes darkened with desire. I was scared because it was my first time after giving birth, but I had to show him how much I wanted him.

  “Let me up,” I said, pretending to be annoyed. Kane immediately released my wrists and moved over to the side of me. Sitting up I turned on him and pushed him down on his back.

  “Fuck, Jo. That was hot. Are you gonna do me now?” he taunted playfully.

  “I am.” I smiled seductively, opened my bath robe and sat astride him. His cock was ridged beneath his jeans and I began to dry hump him. He grabbed my wrists and quickly changed my position to place me on my back. His hand reached for his buckle and he stopped. “I can’t. I’m not risking it, I can wait until I know you’re safe,” he replied with a stern look.

  “I am safe, Kane. I had an implant inserted after Ellie was born. Just like you, I never want to face that again. The risks are too great at one in forty, and I’m just thankful that Ellie survived. Seconds after my disclosure, Kane unbuckled his belt and stood to pull his jeans off. Kneeling down beside me he grinned, his sexiest boyish grin, and bent over to kiss me. There wasn’t a hint of gentleness in it. Raw passion and lust had turned him almost animalistic in his possession of my body. I moaned loudly into his mouth as his hands worked their magic all over every trigger point I owned.

  “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted this moment again with you,” he admitted, his voice deepening with his desire as he pulled my legs up onto his thighs and ran the wet tip of his cock over my clit and down to my entrance. “This is a first for me,” he disclosed as he nudged the tip inside. I watched his reaction and he watched mine as his cock slid deeper inside of me. His eyes were cloudy with lust, but widened again before half closing when he felt me hold him tight, just like I felt him stretching me.

  “You are an amazing woman, Jo Carmichael, do you know that?”

  “I do, but you so deserve me.” I smiled slowly, and he chuckled.

  “If I hurt you, you gotta say, okay?”

  Kane rocked forward, slid back then did it again before he picked up his pace and got a little faster. I knew he was holding back because I could feel the tension in his shoulders and arms as he tried to take me as gently as he could. The strain on his face made me want to take charge so I rolled him over and sat above him again. He was deep to the hilt and I rolled my hips frantically, taking him
much faster than he’d been taking me.

  “Shit, I’m gonna come,” he groaned, his eyes widening as he stared up at me while his hands ran up and down my sides. Suddenly his body went stiff and I felt his warm come spurt inside, his cock pulsing rhythmically as his face displayed his contorted pleasure. His eyes closed as his hands gripped my hips as a sign to stop, and when I did, his face instantly relaxed. He opened his eyes and reached up grabbing my hair and winding it around his hand. Tugging it, he pulled me forward and down onto his chest and kissed me hard. “Damn, Jo. I love you.”

  Chapter 31

  For the record

  It was a new year, and a new start. I was nervous about where we went from that point on, but we used our days to bond with our baby and our nights to make love. I wanted Kane in my bed because I was done denying what he meant to me and how alive he made me feel. “Ellie…her name? Did you really believe he was the father?” I glanced at the sad look he gave me and my heart fell to the floor.

  “I led everyone to believe he was, Kane. Personally, I wasn’t sure, but we’ve been through all of that. You both had used protection and I hadn’t been with any other guys. Ellie’s not named after him.” I sat up quickly and looked down shocked at my realization. “Oh God, Kane…no, I’m sorry, it didn’t occur to me that you’d think that way. Helen was my mother’s mom, my grandma. Ellie was the name she went by, but you wouldn’t know that because she died when I was only four. No one mentioned her when we were kids. She’d been ill for a long time before I was born, and when she died, my mother’s way of coping was not to talk about her.” I couldn’t have been more stupid if I tried, I’d never have called my baby after a guy that treated me the way Elliott had.