The Touchstone Trilogy

by Andrea K Höst

  Trashy Mags For the Win

  I went up to the roof today: it's the first time the weather's been good enough since I was released from the infirmary. Tare doesn't really seem to have seasons, just storms. It still bothers me to be shut inside so much, but having a window makes a huge difference. I wonder if I have any chance at all of convincing them to make me one which opens.

  I'd been there a while, reading an explanation of why everyone on Tare isn't chalk white and suffering from vitamin E deficiency (special lighting, basically), when Zee showed up and sat down with me.

  "That looks like your 'time for a serious talk' expression. Something happen?"

  "You'll make me self-conscious," Zee said (with the easy confidence of a gorgeous, super-deadly woman). "And, yes, something is happening. A media storm about Arenrhon, via Kolar. Previously we've controlled information by allowing very few to return to Tare or Kolar after visiting Muina, and vetting outgoing communication. But that was always going to be a short-term solution as more and more people became involved. And Kolaren devices don't connect to the interface, and thus don't have the censor controls. One was smuggled back there, containing very complete details of the expeditions, Arenrhon–"

  "Cass's visit to Kalasa."

  "There are many images of the Arenrhon site, including images of Third, Fourth and Eighth Squad, and you. It's all over Kolar's news networks, and is about to hit here. The fact that information between the planets depends on ships means we have a little warning."

  "Setari losing more and more anonymity." I sighed. "You feel like doing some training or playing a game or something? Would rather not sit waiting for the initial reaction."

  "You're very calm about this," Zee said, sounding approving.

  "Knew this one was coming. Too many people at Arenrhon who very interested in me – and Setari. Don't like it, but not so upsetting as someone making lot of money off things they stole out of my file, or without warning seeing some girl pretending to go through that."

  We went to the gymnasium and Zee put me through some mild resistance training and stretches, and then a short stint of fast walking on a treadmill. I'm not really up to jogging yet. I had switched my interface status to 'busy', which meant that while people could send me messages they shouldn't expect me to respond. Zan and Mori both sent me messages, but I didn't even look at them until Zee had decided I would fall over if I trained more, and we showered and took lunches back to her rooms to look the news over.

  I check out the news about the Setari first, which was basically a frenzy of joy. Actual pictures of real Setari. No matter how accurate the drawings of those who had enjoyed a personal Setari sighting, they could not compare to proper images. They were nice quality pictures, too – clear and sharp, often close-ups of faces. They were already matched up to the dossiers which had been compiled from sightings over the years, and I noticed with amusement that the only person who didn't have a clear picture was Ruuel, who seemed to have always been turned away.

  The reaction to Arenrhon was unsurprising: upset about the implications of the worshipful imagery, anger that none of this had been communicated to the public.

  I'd been avoiding any of the links that appeared to lead to me, but finally started browsing. Some of them were really great photos, making me look not half-bad looking, but it was very disconcerting how many were close-up. They'd used a zoom function to great effect. Much was being made of the fact that my eyes were different colours.

  My favourite picture was one where I had one brow pulled a bit down and the corner of my mouth screwed up and an air of absolute incredulity – the kind of expression I'm sure I was wearing when Maze told me to put on a dress to meet the Nuran. I couldn't resist one link titled 'Interplanetary Love!', and opened it to find a Kolaren trashy infozine with a picture of me smiling up at Arad Nalaz of Kolar's Squad One, who was looking down at me in a kindly sort of way. That had been just after I'd been grilled by all those Kolaren archaeologists.

  "I hope Nalaz doesn't have a really jealous girlfriend," I said, speaking for the first time since Zee and I had ventured into the wilds of interface fervour. "I'll have to remember not to smile in public at anything male in future. And, wow, there's a lot of pictures of me. These were all taken in my last couple of days at Arenrhon, too. Whoever took these could qualify as a full-blown stalker."

  There was no fooling Zee, who rubbed the back of my neck gently. "That looks like your 'pretending not to be upset' expression."

  I shrugged, though my face went hot. "I'm not saying I like this, because I don't. But it's...kind of distant from me. And it's just pictures and information that everyone on Muina already knew: that I react weirdly but not usefully to the ruins, and that I can use the platforms to get myself in bad situations, was injured and taken back to Tare. A thousand people already knew that. The only real difference with that number changing to a billion is that I can read about their opinion of what I look like. Though – did you see all that stuff about how KOTIS was being too careless with me and that an oversight committee needs to be established to ensure I'm properly handled? What chance is there that actually happen?"

  "Hard to say. There's an oversight committee for the Setari and that's been beneficial for us over the years. Do you feel KOTIS has been too careless with you?"

  I had to think it over. After all, I've been hospitalised a half-dozen times since I was rescued.

  "It's like when I first arrived on Muina, and was trying to find something to eat. I looked for fruit that I could see animals were willing to eat, then did taste test, and ate more if it didn't kill me. One of things I ate made me so sick. Was that too careless? I saw a bird eating some, and it looked and tasted, well, as non-poisonous as anything can look. I look like ordinary stray, so KOTIS treat me like one. Then find out have enhancing talent, so KOTIS test what enhancing talent does. Couldn't know in advance that three Setari touching me at once give me heart attack. Obviously wouldn't have arranged that test if had known, any more than I would eat fruit that make me vomit. Same with teleporting about on platforms. If platforms did that for anyone else, no way they would have had me stand on it. Is not to say that I don't dislike some things. I drew my lab rat on clothes for a reason. Never consulted or told about almost anything, especially at start. Never agreed to follow anyone's orders; just do so because seemed best option for me. Oversight committee...sounds like more people who get to read my file."

  Zee stayed with me for my very low-impact training session with Mara, and then the whole squad came together for dinner. We ate something resembling doubled-over pizza in Maze's quarters, the first time I'd been in there. I thought initially that he had no decoration in his public space at all, but every so often a bird flies across the room or patters around the floor, and treats the walls like they're curtains it can hide behind. And there was a picture spot, which flicked through images of a whole bunch of people who looked like Maze, reminding me that the Setari all have families outside KOTIS. A few excess objects, a nice bowl on the table, an odd-looking wire statue. If there was anything which had belonged to his wife, I couldn't tell.

  None of First Squad seems to think all the revelation of the day will have any major consequences. I made sure to not act upset, and I didn't really need to act. It does seem very distant and not part of my life and at least most of it is positive. The spin KOTIS put out about Earth being Muina's 'sister' planet seems to have held. But the pictures were another reminder that even ignoring second level monitoring, I don't have any real privacy and I'm coming under more and more scrutiny. Everything I do, everything I say and see and hear, is recorded. Even this diary, well-protected by its barrier of foreign words, will stop being any kind of secret if the Tarens learn English from me (or other people from Earth).

  I did figure out a solution to my worries about the record made of files I access. I just watch my conversation with my family over and over again. Not only does it make me feel better to see Mum, but anyone compiling statistics
on my access patterns will be sure to put it down to 'watches encounter with family' not 'gazes mournfully at Kaoren Ruuel'. I always make sure to stop as soon as I move away from my family, then start again from the first time I see them.

  This makes me sound really lame. But it does help to be able to look at him, and I would find it pretty unbearable to have my pathetic, one-sided crush exposed for everyone in KOTIS to laugh about, let alone risking it becoming public gossip. I don't care at all if gossips make up patently false stories about me and every second Kolaren I talk to, but Ruuel matters.

  It seems like forever since I had one of the really good dreams about him, but every damn day I wake up knowing he's not there.

  Thursday, May 22

  Eleventh Squad

  Eleventh Squad today: a team I'd only seen the once at the big parade where they demonstrated me to all the Setari. Didn't go too badly. Their captain is a girl called Seq Endaran, who contacted me before the testing session and introduced herself before walking down to the test room with me to meet her squad members: Couran – Path Sight, Gate Sight; Genera – Ena manipulation; Wen, Seeth, Dava – combat. They're a big-hitting squad, lots of big elemental talents. I started out giving Endaran points for good manners and feeling very positive, and she didn't do anything to change my mind, but she also seemed kind of pleased with herself. I don't know, maybe it's just that so many of the big hitting squads love being able to hit even harder. The only person in the squad who really stood out for me was Wen, who just was very calm and cheerful, watching the testing session like it was a good special effects movie.

  I've tested with so many squads now the faces are beginning to blur together.

  Enhancing elemental talents takes a lot more out of me than Speed and Sights. I don't even seem to get tired after a session which doesn't involve elementals, but bring on a big-hitting squad and it's a guaranteed afternoon nap.

  Incredible storm outside. Black as pitch, lots of lightning, horizontal rain trying to pound the world to dust. I'm amazed the Tarens survived their early years here.

  Friday, May 23

  A little light gossip

  Tomorrow's the next episode of The Hidden War (the week here is six days). Mori asked me if I'd like to join them in watching it, but I said I'd pass. Not that I'm not going to watch it, but I plan to keep my breakdowns to myself from now on. We chatted about the big media storm, and how strange it was for some of the squads to have their images out there properly and how some of the drawings that people had made (Tare isn't above fan art of every variety) had once bothered Mori a great deal, but she'd grown to care about it a lot less.

  Mori also said that I was right about Sonn being very upset. The episode had shown her as an obedient henchman to Ruuel's villain, and though no words were put in her mouth she was taking it badly. Ruuel's only comment, apparently, has been to say that he expected them to have more sense. He's been working Fourth unusually hard, though, which is the same tactic Mara uses on me when she thinks I'm fretting.

  I wondered if the other squads – particularly Fifth – had been openly enjoying themselves at Fourth's expense, but Mori hasn't reached the point of being willing to talk about other squads with me. And I, in turn, am far too cautious to ever directly question her about Ruuel.

  Generally a quiet day for me. Training with Mara, and medical tests, which are fortunately becoming a trifle less frequent. Lots of reading about me, and also about Arenrhon. Since the Lantarens were very unpopular on Tare and Kolar anyway, all this has done has confuse people and confirm their opinions that the Lantarens were to blame for the loss of Muina.

  Saturday, May 24

  Tenth Squad

  Tenth Squad today. Tenth was the squad who went with Twelfth to rescue everyone at the Pillar. It brought a lot of memories back to work with them again. Their squad leader, Haral, is this calm, soft-spoken guy and I'd already had a demonstration of him being very good in an emergency.

  We went through the testing quite thoroughly, even though all of Tenth had enhanced with me during the retrieval, and then did a bit of managing-the-stray combat training 'since we're here'. Tenth has a Telekinesis talent, Mane, and a Levitation talent, Tens, who are both female and shorter than me and we were all finding it funny working out comfortable ways for them to cart me about.

  Another team lunch afterwards, and again lots of questions about Kalasa. It's always easy to the spot the captain in the squad: the one keeping a watchful eye on me to see if I'm going to burst into tears. I don't particularly mind talking about Kalasa, though I do wonder why the Setari feel the need to ask me questions when they've obviously all watched the log of me stumbling around the place. I was glad when it turned into a more general discussion about the Lantarens, and whether the people at Arenrhon were some kind of weird sub-cult or something known to all Lantarens.

  I started to fall asleep, so Haral sent his squad off and escorted me back to my quarters.

  "Thank you for indulging them," he said, as we rode the elevator down. "Are you facing the same interrogation from every squad you test with?"

  "Some still in the must-be-very-proper stage," I said, and he gave me an amused smile.

  "We're working to adapt. We've been very well trained to deal with Ionoth, and each other, but not extraordinary girls from other worlds who keep completely altering the scope of our lives."

  "Am pretty typical Australian," I said, opening my door to hide my embarrassment.

  "Oztralya must be a disconcerting place, then," he said, then was distracted by a really spectacular lightning bolt outside. "There's certainly few on Tare who could bear that in their living quarters, for instance. Let alone survive what you've endured."

  His voice was still soft and calm, but very definite, and I was all of a sudden aware that he was an attractive person my own age, and these were my rooms. But I pushed all that aside and just said: "Is a thick window." Blushing madly, of course.

  He smiled again, nodded, and left. After the door closed, I shut off the lights and sat in my window seat, watching another incredible lightning bolt.

  I couldn't decide if Haral was just being straightforwardly complimentary, or quietly indicating that he rather liked and admired me. Something in the way he'd said it just felt...charged. He is a Lightning talent, heh.

  It's hard to decide how I feel about the possibility. I was impressed by Haral during the retrieval, and I liked the comfortable way he worked with me today. He's sort of relaxing, made me feel at ease. He's fairly typical Taren in looks: golden skin and black hair, though with just the faintest hint of a curl, and his eyes are a clear, light brown. Like all the Setari, he looks very fit and impressive in his uniform. I would have felt immensely happy, back on Earth, if someone like him had shown any sign of liking me.

  I fell asleep on my window seat, under the lightning, and dreamed of Ruuel. Not one of the good dreams, but of being in a palace full of towers and balconies, looking for him. I'd see him through a window and spend a small forever finding my way to where he was, but by the time I got there he was gone. Over and over, and I knew he was doing it deliberately, leaving whenever I came near him, and I woke up crying and ashamed.

  Frankly, I'd rather have the dreams about lions. I really need to accept what my subconscious seems to be trying to tell me. Wish I could figure out how to do that, and stop working myself up like this.

  I slept way too long – it's quite late. The next episode of The Hidden War is in a few hours. I don't know if I'll watch it after all.

  Sunday, May 25

  Endorphins

  I wasn't paying enough attention in training today and got a big whack on my shoulder. Mara made me do push-ups for punishment, which I was oddly pleased about, since it means she considers me recovered enough to punish.

  I'm in a more optimistic mood today than I have been for a while. I read back through a lot of my diary last night, and decided that, after all, I haven't been chasing after Ruuel. I've never gone looking for him, or
bugged him. I just think about him a lot and who does that hurt? Him being woken up because of my swimming experiment was bothering me, I suspect. The higher-ups seem to consider him my assigned captain when First Squad isn't around, but I can be careful not to do anything which might require a lecture when First is on rotation, and that should fix that problem. I'm damned if I'm going to keep feeling bad about liking Ruuel if I do absolutely nothing to bother him.

  My overall health really effects my mood too. Concentrating on school and training helps, and though the training leaves me sore and wiped out, it's also an active, positive thing. I felt so sporty today, having one of the Setari's physiotherapists rubbing their equivalent of Tiger Balm onto my back and doing some painful poking-fingers-into-muscles which hurt in a good way. And I doubt I would have survived all that swimming if I hadn't been fitter than I was on Earth, so I'll focus on at least getting back to that level as my next goal.

  The Hidden War episode turned out to be uneventful, switching back to the characters from the main cast doing another mission. There was a brief mention of 'Squad Indigo' and a mission to Muina to investigate a Ddura. They called Lastier 'that cold bastard' and mentioned that all Indigo had achieved on the trip was to find a stray, but the episode's focus was firmly on other things.

  It's really hard not to compare the various squads of The Hidden War to the real ones. The main character reminds me of Mori.

  Monday, May 26

  Sixth Squad

  Sixth Squad today. They were the squad who'd been stationed outside the Pillar space when it all went pear-shaped. They'd sent Quane to get help, and went in to try and rescue people and fight off the Ionoth, only to all succumb. Ammas, their Telekinesis talent, had died. All that made me a little nervous about testing with them.

  Their captain is a girl named Cormin, who had a touch of Taarel about her in terms of her air of command. She looked more Amerind than Asian, and was very decisive and efficient. Her attitude toward me was quietly polite but distant, and her squad followed her lead and were all very courteous but not remotely inclined to chat. A girl called Jorion has replaced Ammas, and she kept glancing at me when she thought I was turned away, a puzzled, evaluating look. I wonder if I'll ever find out why. I never found out why Anya found me so annoying. I think it's probably best not to spend too much energy trying to work these things out unless I'm assigned to a squad. There's eighty-four active Setari, and every one of them is going to have an opinion about the enhancing stray.