The Touchstone Trilogy

by Andrea K Höst

Saturday, May 31

  Tentacles v Otters

  Exceptionally horrible night. I'd been relieved when I hadn't suffered through any memorable nightmares after the battle with the massive, but I guess I was just saving it up because it completely took me over last night. Not the battle itself, but I dreamed of waking up hearing a grinding noise above me and then these black tentacles would break through the ceiling and grab me and my skin would be burning, melting with acid and it would lift me up and I'd be screaming and then I'd wake up and be in my bed panting and upset and then there would be this grinding noise above me –

  I don't know how many times it repeated. When I finally did wake up properly, I was so freaked out I was convinced that I was still dreaming, and pretty much crawled out of the room trying to escape the next onslaught. Then I broke down clutching one of my couches and ended up crying in my shower for half an hour straight. I'd only been asleep a couple of hours, too, and felt sick and exhausted, but would rather have died than go back to bed.

  Everyone I would have wanted to talk to was either asleep or on rotation. Even Ghost wasn't around, and eventually I contacted Ista Chemie, the greysuit Zee had taken me to for tests last time I'd had really bad nightmares. She was happy to tape monitors all over me in medical. Not that I cared about their tests; I just couldn't stand to go back to my room, and was hoping that being monitored would have the same effect as last time and mean I slept normally.

  No such luck. The only difference to my dream was the setting, and I dreamed that I was lying in medical waiting to get to sleep when the massive came, and that it ate the greysuits along with me. It kept repeating, a half-dozen times I think, and then the next time it reset Ruuel walked into the examining room, gave me a stern look and said: "Stop this." The scraping, grinding noise started above him, but though he glanced up, he just said: "You're doing it yourself. Wake up."

  I stared at him, and saw that I was holding his hand, gripping it so tightly my knuckles were white. And opened my eyes to find that I was.

  "Well done."

  I looked past him at the ceiling, and while there was no grinding I was totally convinced it was only a matter of time, and I think if he'd let my hand go I would have had complete hysterics. As it was I lay there and shook and didn't take in whatever Ista Chemie was saying to me and eventually she went away and came back with something for me to drink which tasted so awful I snapped out of it a little.

  "Really hope that was a stimulant," I said, after I'd stopped choking on it.

  "A fortifier," she said, sounding a bit like she needed one herself. She, and the two other technicians I could see, were all white and upset looking.

  I looked up at Ruuel – still entirely unwilling to let go of his hand – and he said: "Watch this," and gave me a log file.

  It was from a scanner's view, not from the technicians', and showed me lying on the couch, eyes closed and breathing deeply. Ista Chemie and another of the technicians were beside me, probably talking over the interface so as not to disturb me. I started to shift and move, but the two greysuits looked up, confused, at this grinding noise coming from above them. Then Ista Chemie staggered and fell, clutching her side and the other technician grabbed his face and doubled over. I writhed about violently, and thick red marks appeared wherever my skin was exposed by the cut-offs and t-shirt I'd worn to testing, and then I went limp, panting, the marks fading.

  The greysuits, astonished and panicked, retreated out of the room, and I just lay there – no doubt until the dream started again, but I didn't watch that long.

  "Sorry," I said to Ista Chemie. "More than you bargained for."

  She gave me a rather strained smile. "We think it's a variety of Ena manipulation. You are trying to make your dream reality."

  "'Trying' not the right word," I said.

  "This may be related to the ability which took you back to your own world's near-space," Ruuel said. "Although it appears actually bringing a massive into being is beyond you. You haven't been dreaming like this since Annan brought you for testing?"

  "No."

  "Not immediately after the recent battle?" Ista Chemie asked.

  "No." Being careful not to look at Ruuel, and yet not loosening my death-grip on his hand, I added: "Think maybe this started after I went home. To Earth. Had a really strong dream while still in medical wing, but remember feeling mainly angry at the time, not scared–"

  Ruuel broke in: "What was the dream about?"

  "People doing medical things to me that I really didn't want them to do," I said, very neutrally. "And then dreams after the Pillar – not specifically about the Cruzatch, but really bad dreams of ducking under things, over and over. Next really strong dreams were after assigned to Muina – they weren't nightmares. Mainly had dreams about being asleep on the Litara, peaceful sorts of dreams, but very real. Maybe for a week every night."

  I could feel my face heating up, and had no doubt Ruuel at least could tell I was leaving something out of 'peaceful sorts of dreams', but nothing could have made me describe them.

  "After that, was having awful fever-dreams of being chased waiting to be rescued after Kalasa, and then that time after my file was made so entertaining. Tonight's been the worst, though. Couldn't wake up." I tightened my grip on Ruuel's hand, then finally forced myself to let go.

  He was wearing full gloves, but I don't know if they would have completely protected him from the raw, gibbering terror I must have been projecting. He never made the slightest move to pull away, and I was humiliatingly grateful for that. Even then I couldn't stop myself from looking up at the ceiling, just in case, then said as calmly as I could manage: "Not very keen on sleeping now."

  "You seem at least marginally aware of your surroundings while you dream," Ruuel said. "Annan noted that you were reassured by her presence?"

  I nodded. "It's like she – and you just then – come into my dream. Tell me I'm safe."

  "While we technicians are not so reassuring," Ista Chemie said, a little greyly. I think she'll be having a few nightmares on my account. "Quite aside from the effects you were producing – which were painful but not life-threatening – that is a sleep which has the potential to kill you. Your energy use was beyond healthy limits."

  I glanced at Ruuel, but he was gazing into the middle-distance, discussing me with somebody. My head was throbbing, so I asked Ista Chemie if I could have something for it, and was glad she didn't tell me I'd have to wait until they'd done more tests. I was desperately tired, too, and getting stressed out about falling back to sleep, or maybe still being asleep, and the memory of it all filled me up so that I started staring at the ceiling again until Ruuel put his hand on my shoulder and told me: "Stop that."

  "Am trying," I said, sounding very doubtful. "New useful talents to add to getting headaches, and seeing blurry things. Extra strength dreams."

  "Strong talents left untrained and undirected are often self-destructive," he said, unimpressed by my pity party. "This seems to be a combination of a formidable Ena manipulation ability and the Sight talent we've seen hints of previously. The obvious course is to train you in the techniques used for other Sight talents, many of whom also have issues with dreams. Until you've reached some measure of self-control, we'll return you to a higher level of vitals monitoring." He gave me a steady look in return for my unenthusiastic reaction. "The monitor will be active only while you're asleep. If your heart rate spikes, one of your squad members will be given access to your quarters to sit with you, and attempt to wake you if their presence alone is not sufficient."

  That was a more bearable approach than I'd been fearing. I'd half expected to be stuck back in medical having nightmares for dozens of interested greysuits. I think Ruuel felt me relax a little, because he nodded, then waited while Ista Chemie pressed a cold tube – headache stuff – against my arm.

  "To which end, we'll start with a visualisation technique," he said. "Close your eyes." He waited until I (reluctantly) did, his hand still on my shoulder.
"Now, think of a place which you associate with calm and safety." He paused, then with a slightly different note to his voice, said: "Think of the stream with otters, near Pandora. Picture walking along the shore of the lake toward it. The stones beneath your feet crunch and click, and there is a cool mist against your skin. A bird makes a noise to your right, the sound lifting into the air. There is a tumble of rock ahead, marked by a small pile of pebbles. You approach in silence, seeing the stream, shaded and half-real. You sit carefully on the rock. It is rough beneath one hand, and through the cold you take in the scent of some unknown greenery you crushed on your last step. The water murmurs as you wait, and you keep yourself still, searching for movement in the liquid shadows."

  I dreamed of otters. Of sitting watching otters, with Ruuel beside me, just as had really happened, except he had his hand on my shoulder, and I could feel the warmth of him. The tight, sick dread faded completely out of memory. After a long while Maze came and sat on my other side, and Ruuel went away. Then Alay swapped for Maze, and then Mara curling an arm around my waist. Then I woke up and Mara was there, sitting on a chair which had been brought into the test room.

  "Bet you never guessed how much babysitting involved in this job," I said.

  "Tch – there's so many reports to read that an excuse to sit down is never a bad thing." She looked me over as I wriggled out of the embrace of the sense-bed (which always tends to mould itself around me a little too tightly if I lay too still for too long). "Feeling better?"

  I nodded, though couldn't quite resist a glance at the ceiling. "Just really hungry. We allowed to leave?"

  "I knew those dreams had to be serious for you to volunteer to go anywhere near medical," she said. "Yes, they've cleared you for the moment."

  Happy to escape, I detoured back to my quarters to shower and change (and, to be honest, so Mara was with me when I went back there). Then to the canteen, where I was intent on eating two or three breakfasts. Going to the canteen these days is a big contrast to my first few weeks of visits, because now that I've tested with all the squads it's rare that people don't at least say hello. Mara picked at a light lunch until I came up for air, watching me critically.

  "The technicians, once they'd recovered from the shock, managed to identify two synapse patterns active while you were sleeping. One is very similar to Ena manipulation, though they don't believe it is quite the same talent. The other you continued to use, even when you stopped dreaming of the massive. It's the same area of your brain which was active when your sight was blurring at Arenrhon. What was your last dream about?"

  "Watching otters – exactly what Ruuel told me to picture. Guess I'm pretty easily influenced." I paused, draining the last of the tangy drink I like. "Did Maze come and sit with me after Ruuel? And then Alay, and then you?"

  "Well, that confirms that you can tell we're there."

  "That's what I dreamed. But I don't seem to notice the technicians."

  "The strength of the Setari's affinity to the Ena is probably the deciding factor. First and Fourth will be primarily assigned to, ah, babysitting you, with Second and Third in reserve. Anyone else you're comfortable enough with to include?"

  "Zan. Think training really make me stop having nightmares?"

  "Possibly. Some Sight talents are plagued by dreams, and Sights discipline at least isn't likely to hurt you. There's been some hesitation about actively training you with the Ena manipulation talent in case it strengthens whatever you did to return to your home world."

  "Or lets me make real tentacles, instead of just noises."

  "That too." Mara shook her head. "The thought that you might dream yourself to death is hardly comforting. At any rate, we're going to increase your fitness training, and add fairly intensive Sights training – even though we're not entirely certain what Sight it is we're training you for. Between that, some weapons training, in case they do go ahead with attempting to locate Kalasa through you." She grinned. "And you're not to listen to any of Nils' offers to help you get to sleep."

  "Zee wouldn't forgive me," I said, trying to be all nonchalant, though I could feel myself blushing.

  "Zee isn't involved with Nils Sayate," Mara said, lifting her eyebrows.

  "Would still matter to her."

  Mara didn't comment about that, but she didn't deny it either. Instead she spent the day working me into the ground – and making me really regret eating such a large breakfast. She and Ketzaren tag-teamed me till well into the afternoon, with the rest of First Squad showing up for dinner, and then we all played an interface game, a memory game with puzzles. I wasn't too bad at the memory, but hopeless at half of the puzzles. It was really a lot of fun, though.

  Mara asked me if I wanted her to stay when I went to bed, and I was more than a little tempted, but I told her that I was going to try thinking of otters and see if that worked.

  "But glad knowing someone come wake me up if gets bad," I said.

  She gave me a strange smile and hugged me. "I'm glad you still trust us enough to talk to," she said, and her voice was angry. "That wretched program, so badly timed–" She made an exasperated noise and drew back. "Just remember that you're with friends. There's never a need to hide when you're hurting."

  It's hard not to be pleased that Mara considers me a friend. Not so good is how obviously worried about me she is. I'm not doing a good enough job hiding how close I am to falling apart. Because I'm back to being more than a useful enhancing stray. I'm yet again an irreplaceable key to part of Muina. Worse, I'm someone who can hurt people. I don't want to be someone who can hurt people. I don't know if I can even stop myself from hurting me. Talking about it a little to Mara helped, but if I let anyone know that being alone in my quarters outright scares me, they might park me permanently in medical.

  As it is, I'm going to sleep in my window seat.

  Fortunately, a few minutes ago Third Squad arrived back from Muina. Eeli sent a channel request and then overwhelmed me with excited burble trying to update me on everything they'd been doing (mainly continuing the exploration of Nurioth, and surveying widely around Pandora), and also asking me all these questions about the massive fight. Eventually I figured out that she was particularly happy that I'd said that the Third Squad captain was the best-looking Setari. She adores Taarel so.

  It's hard not to feel upbeat after talking to Eeli.

  There's a new The Hidden War episode tonight, but even though I slept really late into my shift, all the exercise makes me doubtful I'll be able to hold out till it airs. Far more interesting to me is that my calendar filled up while I was chatting to Eeli. The inevitable medical exams, lots of exercising with First Squad, and a couple of sessions of weapons training with someone called Perrin Drake. And Sights training every day with Ruuel.

  Strangely enough, my first reaction wasn't positive. Not that I like him any less – more than ever, in fact – and I don't doubt he'll be as good a teacher as he is a captain. But it will be like when I was attached to Fourth Squad on Muina. I'll be an assignment and the assignment will end and I'll be someone else's problem for a while. I can't think of any way to guard against that.

  And I don't want to associate Ruuel with tests and experiments, for him to ring a bell and see if I drool on cue. I don't want him to be the one treating me as a lab rat.

  Not that I get any choice. Tonight I'll replay him telling me to think about otters, and probably feel just as surprised and glad that he remembered that so distinctly.

  I can still feel his hand.

  June

  Sunday, June 1

  Pedestal, schmedestal

  I was right to worry about being treated as an experiment by Ruuel.

  The day started well enough. I was pleased with myself for succeeding in dreaming of otters, and in a calm frame of mind. There was an email from Nenna waiting for me, and after I read it I had to go and watch last night's The Hidden War episode, because Nenna's email was an apology for it.

  To think I used to think it wo
uld be cool to go on reality TV. Nothing makes me feel less like myself than to watch my introduction to Tare turned into entertainment.

  It wasn't as bad as Nenna obviously felt. The entire episode was from Nenna's point of view (or a thinly disguised version of Nenna called Senna) and was all about her Dad bringing home a stray to foster. Since most of my time with the Lents wouldn't have been detailed on my file, it was pretty obvious the scriptwriters had sat down with Nenna, and maybe the rest of her family, and had her describe everything I'd said and done while I was there. From the level of embarrassment in Nenna's email, I'm presuming she got paid for it.

  The episode was really about Nenna, about what it had been like for an ordinary Taren girl to have an alien stray added to her family. They'd even written in a boyfriend for her, just so he could be caught ogling the stray's legs and make 'Senna' feel conflicted. And there were all these conversations I'd never heard, so didn't know if they were true. Did Nenna's sister protest the idea of her father taking in a stray in the first place? Did the Lents really have a doubtful discussion about my difficulties with the language and how little I seemed to be progressing? The actress's very fractured Taren is being used as a source of comedy and cuteness, far more appealing than the reality – it helps when the person saying things backward and being barely comprehendible is a gorgeous, kittenish girl with huge eyes, and the words she uses incorrectly tend to be mild double entendres or accidentally witty.

  I wonder what Earth's copyright position is on the songs I'd played to people from my phone being used in Taren television shows? It was very weird to hear Gwen Stefani and the Portal closing credits song being used in a Taren show. I could tell from the brief explanation given for the Portal song that my lab rat is definitely going to feature in upcoming episodes.

  They showed Nenna and me falling and getting hurt, and then it stayed with Nenna for her first few days in hospital, scared and guilty and angry, and facing arduous rehabilitation work. If she'd been relying on Earth's level of medical technology, she'd be in a wheelchair for life and that would be my fault. Of course, on Earth people don't teleport and neither of us would have been hurt.