Portia Moore - He Lived Next Door

by Unknown

  “Okay, look at it like this. A mother loves her son, she truly loves him, and he shoots her.”

  I cringe. “That’s sort of morbid.”

  “Even as she’s dying, she’d still love her son. She’d be confused about why he shot her, she’d be disappointed, devastated, she’d probably blame herself instead of him, but she’d still love him.” His conviction is astounding. He says things as though he’s one hundred percent sure that he’s right. It’s admirable but intense.

  “Well, I’m not a mother, so I don’t have that luxury.” I smile away the stinging in my throat, but before I catch them, tears have formed. I blink, turning away from Carter and wiping them quickly. I fix a big smile on my face. “Who have you loved like that? Unconditionally, infinitely?”

  “I didn’t say I loved like that. I’ve received love like that.”

  I laugh, unsurprised. “I’m sure you have lots of women who have loved you like that. Those poor girls.” I chuckle.

  “This is about your husband?” he asks hesitantly.

  “I guess the question is sort of transparent, huh?” I shrug.

  “Where is he?”

  I pause, wanting to choose my words carefully. I don’t want to make Bryce the bad guy. I’m the bad guy, I think. I asked him to leave. It wasn’t the other way around. “We needed some space.”

  “Oh.” His response is surprisingly simple for what he’s said throughout this conversation. “Space is good for married people?”

  The question seems condescending, and from any other person, I’d think it would be, but he seems to be genuinely asking.

  “Hopefully it will be for him and me.” I feel my cheeks heating up. “It’s not that big of a deal. He’s a pilot anyway, so he’s gone a lot. I just needed definitive space to clear my head.” The words sound nonsensical, but I say them confidently.

  “Oh.”

  I frown a bit at him. “I’m starting to think your ‘oh’ is when you want to say something but you don’t want to argue.” He arches a brow, and I grin. “When Bryce doesn’t want to argue but disagrees with me, his ‘if that’s what you think is best’ sounds like your ‘oh.’”

  He shrugs. “I just don’t understand how space makes things better?”

  Bryce doesn’t either.

  “There are things that can taint love,” I say quietly.

  My phone rings and I glance over. It’s Kelsey. I roll my eyes. I haven’t spoken to her since the day she was here, and I don’t really know what to say to her.

  “Did you want to get that?” he asks, gesturing to the phone.

  “No, not at all,” I say bitterly, crossing my arms and scowling at the phone.

  He tilts his head, briefly studying me with a lopsided grin. “Is that your husband?”

  “No, one of my friends. My best friend actually.”

  “Are you sure you don’t want to get it?”

  My blank stare makes my answer obvious. I imagine how I look right now, telling him that my husband and I need space and I’m avoiding my best friend like the plague.

  “It’s okay.” He chuckles, grabbing his bottle and tossing it in the trash free-throw style. “What are you doing Tuesday night?”

  I think of all of my exciting plans, or more like lack thereof. “Probably a date with my laptop, a few glasses of wine, and if I’m lucky, takeout.” I smile and wiggle my brows at him.

  “You should come down to the restaurant. They have this supposedly awesome singer from Philadelphia coming in.”

  I shrug. “I don’t know. I’d be all by myself.”

  “I’ll be there. Well, sort of working, but it’ll be fun. Invite your friend,” he offers.

  “She wouldn’t be able to make it. She has two little kids and it’s last minute.”

  “You only have one friend?” he chuckles.

  I pout at him. “Fine, I’ll give my friend Nic a call and see if she's free. Thank you for the invitation.”

  He stands, stretching his long sculpted limbs. “Good. Do you have my number?”

  “Um, no.” I grab my phone, and as he rattles it off, I put his number in my phone.

  He opens the door and turns around before he’s fully out. “If you need anything, I’m only next door.”

  I smile. “I’ll keep that in mind. Thanks Carter.”

  With a little wave, we both disappear into our apartments.

  One Year Ago

  Something doesn’t feel right.

  Those are the words that began this nightmare. Everything was fine. I thought she was being paranoid, overreacting, having first pregnancy jitters.

  It shouldn’t be happening like this.

  When we woke up, the sun was shining. We had breakfast with my parents. We were supposed to celebrate that I’d gotten my pilot’s license, that she’d hit publish on her third book. Tonight she was supposed to sleep in my arms with my hands resting on her stomach as I counted the days until we’d meet our son.

  Instead, what’s supposed to be the happiest moment of our lives has turned into a nightmare.

  It began the moment the doctor told us our son didn’t have a heartbeat. My entire body felt frozen and my heart collapsed. My eyes shot to hers and she stared at him, her face unreadable, blank. She didn’t burst into sobs, didn’t begin to hyperventilate or scream and curse.

  Chas looked as if she didn’t understand or hadn’t heard what the doctor had just said. I told him he was wrong. I demanded he do something.

  He was supposed to be the best OB-GYN in the state—my parents made sure of that—and he couldn’t tell us what had happened? He couldn’t tell us what we were going to do to fix it? He just sat there with a somber look full of pity?

  It took two orderlies to keep me from destroying the room when he told her she would still have to deliver him, to go through the full process of labor.

  She said nothing.

  After I calmed down and I went into the delivery room with her, she held my hand and smiled, saying she still had hope. I think that’s what hurt the most, the hope she still had. I knew it took everything in her to believe this was a mistake.

  Even after he came into this world and didn’t take his first breath, she still smiled and kissed his forehead. Horses stampeded on my chest as I did the same, and then she broke. Her emotions exploded into the most painful wails I’ve ever heard. The same voice that had made me fall in love made me see the crack that ran through our life. Our little miracle, with his mother’s hair and my nose, lay dead in her arms and there was nothing I could do to fix her. I wanted to take her pain and swallow it. I could handle it, but I knew that she wouldn’t be able to handle it. I wanted to carry the burden for both of us, but that was the one thing I couldn’t do.

  I had to tell her mom that her grandson had died and it looked as if he’d taken her daughter’s soul with him. Her mom and I have never been close, but we cried together as if she were a part of me. Chas’s dad and stepmom looked as if they’d been hit by a truck. Hearing her dad call her sister and tell her was draining.

  My parents took it better, and by better, I mean they didn’t show how devastated they were. They told me it would be okay and we’d have other children. I know their words were meant to comfort, but if Chas had heard them, she would have ripped my parents apart.

  We had a small service with our families and close friends. They all really stepped up, informing everyone that the baby shower was canceled and to please give us time to grieve. Kelsey, Nicole, Jax, and Tiffany were invaluable help.

  You never think of how to handle loss, how to explain it to people that you normally wouldn’t think it mattered to.

  I had to go to the manager of the building and ask his staff not to bring it up to Chas. I had to talk to our dry cleaner, the Starbucks Chas frequented, even her favorite grocery store. You don’t think about how you’ll have to return all of the gifts and things you purchased for the person who was supposed to grow out of them. Who won’t ever get a chance to wear them. You n
ever think about all the things you have to do when the promise in your life dies.

  No one gives you instructions for that.

  No one tells you how to put the light back in your wife’s eyes, how to fix her spirit, how to help her believe that each smile isn’t a betrayal of the child she lost.

  I’m supposed to go back to work today. I’m all dressed and prepared, but looking at her sitting on the couch and staring at the television stops me cold. It’s been a month since it happened. If she wanted her mom or friends to come over, they would, but she says she’ll be fine. She hasn’t been fine though, and I doubt today will be the day that changes. I don’t want her to break down here alone.

  I sit beside her on the sofa, and she gives me a ghost of a smile. One that’s a pathetic imitation of the ones she gave me before everything happened. I pull her to me, wrapping my arms around her and hoping that it helps some. It’s four in the afternoon, but she still has on her pajamas. She’s started to shower again though. It’s a step in the right direction.

  “Hey you.”

  She nuzzles her head between my neck and shoulder. “You smell good.”

  “So do you,” I tell her.

  She sighs. “Liar. I’m not wearing anything.”

  “You smell like laundry detergent. You know how much Gain turns me on,” I joke.

  For a second I think I’m going to see it, the real deal, the smile that has been missing for so long, but she bites her lip instead, almost commanding herself to not let me see it. She lets out a deep sigh and sits up, moving out of my arms.

  “I got invited to a conference,” she says.

  I perk up. She’s checked her emails? That would seem trivial to most people, but it’s a big step. “That’s awesome, where is it?”

  “Dublin,” she says casually.

  “Chas, that’s fantastic!” I hope my excitement can crack through the wall she’s had up lately.

  “I was invited already actually, but I declined because Logan would…” Her voice sounds delicate, and I hear her breathe deeply. She covers her face and groans, and I see her shaking her head.

  I pull her onto my lap and cradle her in my arms.

  “I’m fine. It’s just… I…” Her sobs are quiet, but each one cracks my heart.

  I don’t allow any tears to fall. I’ve numbed myself pretty well.

  “I just don’t know what we did wrong. Why us?” she says between sobs.

  “I don’t know, but we’re going to get through this.”

  “Why our baby? What did we do? Why did this happen to us?”

  She’s crying so hard we’re rocking. I hold her tightly, not saying anything. I don’t know the answers to those questions. I don’t think anyone would. I just do what I’ve always done—tell her I love her, plan to show her how much, and hope that it’s enough.

  Chassidy

  “So tell me about this neighbor guy.” Nicole purses her lips in the mirror while pushing up her breasts—which are already sitting up and winking at me—in her bombshell bra even higher.

  It’s been a while since Nicole and I have gone out. Nic can get wild sometimes, which was fun when we were younger, but after I met Bryce, I only wanted to get wild with him. After we married, Kelsey and I started to hang out more without Nic, since we were a little over the bars and nightclubs she still frequents. But every once in a while, Nic would pull me out and I’d pull Kelsey out with us, even though Nicole says that Kelsey can suck the fun out of an amusement park. Not true. Kelsey has just always sort of been our moral anchor—an anchor Nicole would like to throw over the ship.

  “He’s really nice.” I apply my own nude lipstick.

  “How does he look?” she asks pointedly.

  I laugh. That’s Nicole, cutting straight to the point. “He’s handsome.”

  Her smile brightens even more. “What is handsome? Can I get height, weight, eye color?”

  “Would his blood type help?” I joke as she rolls her eyes.

  “Everyone’s not insanely in love and happily married. Some of us are on the hunt for a guy who can make the bedroom spin like the Wheel of Fortune,” she says, dramatically throwing herself on my bed, carefully avoiding messing up her hair and makeup.

  I do a once-over of myself. My white bandage dress clings to my body, haltered to show just the right amount of cleavage without looking like a porn star. I slip on my heels. “First off, I don’t even know if he’s single.”

  She groans, throwing me a teasing glance. “Look, I didn’t say I wanted to marry him.”

  I scoff at her, but that’s not unusual. Nicole never asks men if they’re single or not since she says she’s not looking for anything serious. It’s something she and Kelsey fight about constantly. I’m usually the buffer. If cheating happens, I put more of the blame on the committed guy than my non-committed best friend, though since I said “I do,” her indifference toward a man’s status bugs me a bit more than it used to.

  “He sort of looks like a blonder version of Liam Hemsworth.”

  Her mouth falls opens. “Jesus, woman, you’ve been holding out on me!” she squeals and smacks my butt. “Why don’t I get neighbors as hot as celebrities? You want to know what my neighbor looks like? A poor woman’s version of Sean Connery.”

  “Poor Nic and her first world problems,” I tease, giving her my hand and pulling her off my bed.

  “Hook us up, since you’re being all stingy with your agent guy.”

  I feel my face and neck flush. The last I mentioned about Davien was the text I sent her saying he was a jerk.

  “Hey, what’s that look?” she asks, her eyes narrowing on me.

  “What look?” I laugh.

  “Like you’re hiding something. You suck at keeping secrets—it’s obvious you’re a writer. ‘I’m keeping a secret’ is written all over your face.”

  My stomach clenches. I wonder which secret I want to tell her: that I’ve asked Bryce for space, or that I’m on the border of having an inappropriate relationship with my agent. One thing I love about Nicole is that she never judges. Still, I hate to even say the words out loud.

  “Come on, am I not your best friend? Because every so often, I wonder if Kelsey’s really your only best friend and I’m just your hot little flunkie,” she teases.

  I sigh. “I’ve asked Bryce for space.”

  “What!” she says, shock covering her face. “Space? Can married people even have space?”

  She grabs my hand and pulls me onto the bed, demanding more information. I take a deep breath and tell her about how things have been since I lost Logan. I don’t tell her about losing Anna, because I know things like that make her uncomfortable, but I do tell her about how it hurts to be around Bryce and how distant we’ve grown.

  “So what are you going to do?” Nicole’s always been a problem solver, a bottom line type of girl, and I’ve never loved her more for it than at this moment.

  “I’m hoping I fall back in love,” I tell her with a weak laugh, shrugging.

  She tilts her head to the right. “You know I’ve never experienced anything like you have. Loss or love, not like how I saw with you guys. I just can’t imagine being around someone who causes me that much pain though.” She shakes her head. “I don’t see how you’ve been doing it this long.”

  I fight the frown that’s attempting to climb over my face. I didn’t expect that answer. Well, from Nicole you never know what to expect. “So are you saying I should just throw in the towel?”

  “No, I can’t tell you to do that. No one can really, but as your friend, I think you should be happy. If you’re not happy with Bryce anymore…”

  An eerie quiet fills the room following her words. Should it be that easy? I’m not happy anymore, so I just walk away?

  “Ugh, I didn’t want to kill the night. Did I just kill the night?”

  I flash her a quick smile. “No, not at all. I just… I’ve never thought about ending it. You make it seem so simple.” I press my lips together
as a stale taste fills my mouth.

  “Well it sort of is… why stay with someone if you’re going to be miserable and ultimately make them miserable? You both are too great of people to do that to each other. My parents did it to each other, staying together for years allegedly for me and my brothers, but we knew they hated each other and it made us hate them. I wish they would have gotten divorced so we could have had two Christmases and birthdays like all my other friends did.” She nudges me playfully, and I burst out laughing.

  “So what else have you been holding out on me?” She eyes me suspiciously, and I nibble on my cuticle. “There’s something.”

  I look at my lap and bite my lip. “There is something. It’s not a big deal… I just, well…”

  I tell her about Davien. About our dinner, how flirtatious he was and sort of still is, about our calls and texts, how I haven’t felt this “light” in such a long time. Her eyes are big as if she’s in awe.

  When I finish, I take a deep breath, feeling as though a weight has been lifted off my chest. “I’m terrible, it’s terrible, right? I should have been setting him up with you, but instead I’m acting like—”

  “A girl with a crush!” She sounds so excited that it scares me.

  I look at her in shock. “You’re not mad that I didn’t pass him to you? I mean, you’re actually single and would look really good together.”

  “No! I mean, when I see him in person I may change my mind, but you look… happy!” She pushes my shoulder.

  I rub the back of my ear. “You don’t think it’s wrong that I’m doing this, that I’m wasting his time like this?”

  She squints at me. “Are you wasting his time?”

  “Yes! Nothing would ever happen between us,” I tell her adamantly.

  “I think that’s what so many unhappily married women say.” She stands and grabs her little black bag. For a minute I’m offended, and she sees it on my face. “Don’t get all self-righteous on me. You just said that you’re unhappy.” She grabs my hand and pulls me behind her into the living room.

  “Yes, but there’s still a line I’d never cross.”

  She rolls her eyes. “Look, I just want you to know whatever makes you happy, I’m all for. No judgment here. If you want that, call Kelsey. I don’t think it’s wrong that you have someone who’s been taking your mind off things, and if he happens to be hot and makes you feel all bothered, then that’s a bonus.” She grabs our coats and my hand and pulls me out the door.