Declan Reede: The Untold Story (Complete Series)

by Michelle Irwin

  One day, maybe one day soon, we’d both take the leap beyond the two bases we’d reached together so far, but neither of us was in a hurry to push us to that next level yet.

  CHAPTER SEVEN: THE END OF SILENCE

  “AND THEN SHE said that Ben told her that he loves her!” Alyssa gushed. “Isn’t that great?”

  I pretended to not care, but my blood burned and boiled within me. That fucker, Ben, had stolen my thunder. I’d spent the better half of the week telling him how I was building up to saying the big “L” word to Alyssa. How we’d danced around it for long enough and that I knew how I felt and was ready to voice it to her. How I had planned to do it for Valentine’s Day but decided against it because it just seemed far too cliché—not to mention the bad memories that day dredged up. I didn’t want to fall into the trap of doing what was expected when it was expected. Instead, I wanted to surprise her with the words at a time when I meant them the most.

  Instead of letting me have my moment though, he’d obviously decided to beat me to the punch. It was ridiculous, and he’d backed me into a corner. After he’d already made that leap, if I just said the words to Alyssa, she’d think I was only saying them in order to keep up. I didn’t want our relationship to be driven by the speed of other people.

  As I read through Alyssa’s math homework, checking her answers and helping make corrections, I tried to think of some way of telling her how I felt without having to just come out and say the words so soon after Ben had released them into the world.

  Taking a chance, I scrawled, Declan Reede is at the bottom of the page.

  “I mean, that’s a huge step for them. Don’t you think?” Alyssa pushed, distracting me from my work.

  Honestly, I couldn’t feel too congratulatory when it was my idea that Ben had just stolen to use first. “Yeah, it’s great. Whatever.”

  “‘Yeah, it’s great, whatever,’” Alyssa mimicked me. “Are you kidding me?”

  I shrugged and pulled her book out of her line of sight so that she couldn’t see what I wanted to write before I’d finished it.

  “I just don’t see what the big deal is, Lys,” I said, trying to sound nonchalant, all while trying to finish what I was writing on her page. Madly in. “It’s just a word.”

  My heart pounded as I wrote the letters that spelled the word. Love.

  “Just a word? How can it be just a word? It’s the word. The word that defines where you place in your partner’s life.”

  I shrugged again as I finished the sentence, with Alyssa Dawson, and nudged the book back toward her. I even tapped the page with my pen. “I just don’t see it that way. Surely actions speak louder than words.”

  My breath caught in my throat while I waited for her to look down.

  “Are you freaking kidding me?”

  “What?” I said.

  “You don’t think people need to hear that someone loves them?”

  I rubbed my hands through my hair. I was losing control of the situation, and my grand gesture had failed. I needed to convince her to look down, to see the truth.

  “You hear the words thrown around so much these days. Every celebrity is in love with someone new every week. How is that special? Maybe sometimes, you just need to open your eyes and see what’s right in front of you.”

  She frowned.

  “Let’s just finish our homework, hey?” I asked.

  She shut her book and leaned over the top of it. “Tell me how you feel about me.”

  I blinked at her. If she just looked down in her fucking book, she’d know the answer.

  “Don’t you feel anything?”

  “Don’t be stupid,” I snapped. She was backing me into a corner where I felt like the only right thing to say were the three little words I’d written for her, but I didn’t want to say them just because she wanted me to say them. I wanted her to know I meant them with every part of me, not just the parts that didn’t want to draw out her inner bitch.

  “Why is it stupid?” she shouted.

  “Because you know the answer already.”

  “Do I?” She shoved her book into her bag before swinging the backpack roughly onto her back.

  “Of course you do, Lys; you know you mean everything to me.”

  “Then say the words.”

  She just didn’t get it, and the more she insisted on fighting instead of just listening to me, the less inclined I was to say anything to her at all. “I’m not going to say that just because someone else has or because you want me to. I don’t need to compare us with anyone else. Why don’t we get back to our homework? There was a question there I still wanted you to double check.”

  “So what I’m hearing is that you really don’t give a shit.”

  “Fuck, Lys, seriously?” How could I claim any sort of feelings that were coerced out of me by anger? “I’m not going to be pressured into this shit!”

  “Fine,” she retorted. “No pressure. Don’t worry about it.”

  “Good. I won’t.”

  She grunted in frustration. “God, you’re infuriating sometimes.”

  “Well, you’re confusing as fuck.”

  Slumping back down into her chair, with her backpack still on, a barrage of tears started to fall. Sometimes I really wondered what went through her head. How could she go from flashing anger to waterworks in a matter of seconds?

  Part of me wanted to comfort her, part of me wanted to throw my hands in the air and say fuck it all, but all of me wanted her to stop crying.

  “Just stop crying will you?”

  She cast me a withering glare harsh enough to send my balls retreating into my body.

  “I’m not going to say the words just because you’re crying.”

  “Christ, Declan, you think I’m crying just to get you to say that you love me?”

  “Well, I don’t see any other reason for you to be in tears.”

  “How about having an arse for a boyfriend?” She sniffed and sobbed as she said the words.

  “Well that’s simple. If I’m such an arse, don’t be my girlfriend.”

  Her tears started afresh. “Fine.”

  Her voice held a finality I’d heard a few times before. Each time it preceded terrible events. It was enough to stop my heart and still my tongue.

  She glanced up at me from between her wet lashes, as if expectantly waiting for me to say something, or move toward her, but I felt like I was two steps behind the conversation and desperately lost.

  “It’s fine,” she said after a beat. Her voice held a dangerous calm. “You’re right. I shouldn’t settle for an arse as a boyfriend.”

  She stood again, shoving the table at me and blocking me in. Shaking her head, she walked away. “It’s over, Declan.”

  “What?” I couldn’t comprehend how quickly it’d disintegrated from a discussion about saying I love you to her walking away declaring we were over. Again. Fighting against the desk, I pushed it away and fought my way out. By the time I did, she was already at the library door. “Lys, wait!”

  If she wanted the words so damn much, I was just going to give them to her.

  The door slammed shut behind her.

  Fuck! I raced to the door to follow her, but I couldn’t shout that I loved her across the school while she was pissed at me. She’d eventually think I only said it to stop her, and then I’d never get her to trust that I meant it the first time I said it.

  “Can I come over later?” I shouted after her.

  She didn’t even glance over her shoulder. “I won’t be home and you won’t be welcome. I want to be with someone who isn’t afraid to tell me how he feels.”

  I glanced at her bag which held her homework—and my words. I didn’t want to leave it with us pissed at one another though. “But, baby—”

  She spun around and raised her hand. Her eyes flashed with anger and my words froze on my lips. “Don’t you ‘baby’ me, Declan Anthony Reede. We’re through.”

  I’d learned a while ago when to follow her
and when to let her go. This was a let her go sort of moment. She needed to simmer with her anger for a while, but that didn’t mean her dismissal didn’t swarm around my body and churn everything up in the meantime.

  Alyssa climbed into Jade’s mum’s car and then she disappeared. The lump in my throat grew bigger with every minute she was out of my sight.

  Mum wasn’t home when I got there, so I went to Alyssa’s. I knew she wasn’t going to be there but I found the next best thing to my own mother instead.

  “Oh, Dec, I didn’t expect to see you. Alyssa’s not here,” Ruth said as she pulled open the door.

  “I know. I just needed to see someone.”

  “What’s up?”

  I didn’t really know where to begin. Honestly, I didn’t really feel like talking about it. I just didn’t want to be at home alone. Neither did I want to see the traitor, Ben, who’d caused the issues. I sighed in frustration. “Nothing. Can I just hang here for a while?”

  She gave me a smile. “Our home is your home. You know you’re always welcome.”

  “Thanks.”

  She handed me a Coke. “If you want to chat, I’m a good listener.”

  I scoffed. Unlike Alyssa.

  We sat in silence while we watched TV. After a few moments, her silence drew a question from me. “When did you know it was the right time to say I love you to Alyssa’s dad?”

  She looked quizzically at me, but then a knowing smile graced her lips. “I just knew.”

  “Did you worry that you were saying it too soon?”

  “Not that I mind, but where’s this coming from?”

  “Lys demanded I tell her that I love her today.”

  She chuckled. “Why doesn’t that surprise me?”

  “The stupid thing is I was going to say it anyway, but instead we had a fight about it.”

  “She’s headstrong. That’s one of the things you like about her, isn’t it?”

  Despite the fact that my chest ached and my head swirled with doubt and confusion, I smiled. “Yeah. It’s also one of the things that pisses me off about her.”

  Ruth laughed. “That’s often the way it is with these things.”

  “I just hate the expectation that our relationship’s supposed to follow a certain path. What’s wrong with doing things at our pace?”

  “There’s nothing wrong with it.”

  “Then why’s she so pissed off at me for not doing things exactly when she wants me to? Why can’t I say I love her when I mean it and not just use the words to make her happy?”

  “Weren’t you going to say it anyway?”

  “Yeah, but . . .” I trailed off. My argument died on my lips at the look on her face. “I just don’t want them to be meaningless.”

  “Why on earth would it be meaningless?”

  “It’s just used too much, isn’t it? Every Tom, Dick, and Harry seems to use it to get what they want these days. Where’s the value in it?”

  “It’s not the words as such that hold the value. It’s what they mean to you both.”

  In that statement, she’d struck a huge nail on the head for me. The one thing that had held me back in the days and weeks before whenever I’d considered saying the three words to Alyssa. “What if they don’t mean the same thing to Lys as they do to me?”

  Ruth wrapped her arm around my shoulders and rested her cheek on my hair. “I really don’t think that’s something you have to worry about.”

  “I just don’t know. Sometimes it feels like our path is too hard.” My voice trembled with the tears that threatened to fall. “We spend more time apart than we do together.”

  Ruth ruffled her fingers through my hair. “That’s high school for you.”

  “Is it just that though? How do I know if we’re supposed to be together or not?” Tears sprung into my eyes and I leaned farther into Ruth’s motherly embrace. “It just feels like all we do lately is tear each other apart.”

  “Sweetie, trust me when I say things get easier once you’re out of school. Right now, you’re stuck in a big melting pot of hormones and stress. Things seem bigger than they will in a few years. In fact, I’m sure one day you’ll look back on all of this and laugh.”

  “Maybe.”

  “If you really love each other, which I suspect you do, it’ll work out eventually.”

  “Thanks, Ruth.”

  “Maybe tomorrow, you can tell Alyssa what she wants to hear.”

  “I wrote it in her book.”

  “What?”

  “I wrote it for her. I didn’t want to tell her, because Ben had just told Jade, but I wanted her to know.”

  “Well, I’m sure when she finds it, she’ll appreciate the gesture.”

  I sat with Ruth for a little while longer, thinking about everything she’d said.

  When I got home, I found Dad was back from his latest three-day banking convention. He grilled me about where I’d been and when I told him about the fight I’d had with Alyssa and my conversation with Ruth, he sat me down.

  “Just be sure that this is what you want.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You two are very intense. You don’t want to be making any decisions or choices that will trap you in the long term.”

  “Trap?”

  “Well, you want to race V8s long-term, don’t you?”

  “Yeah. Of course.”

  “Well, how do you think kids fit into that equation? A wife?”

  “Fuck. I’m just telling Lys that I love her. I’m not talking about kids or marriage.”

  “You might not be thinking of those things, but you can bet your bottom dollar that they’ve passed through Alyssa’s mind more than once.”

  Past conversations rolled through me. There had been times Alyssa had spoken about those exact things. At the time, I’d thought she’d meant in the abstract, but Dad’s words made me wonder. Had she meant it as an actual plan for the future, the way I talked about racing V8s with her?

  After the conversation with Dad, I couldn’t fight the niggle of doubt that had taken hold in my mind. I went to bed wondering whether maybe Dad was right.

  When I woke the next morning, the seeds of uncertainty that had taken root the night before were still there. Accompanying them were nerves unlike any I’d ever experienced before. It was likely that Alyssa would have already found my note.

  What would she think? Would she appreciate the gesture or think I was a coward for not voicing the words aloud?

  My hands were sweaty and I kept fidgeting as I drove Mum’s car to school in an attempt to get enough hours up in my log book before it was time to take my driver’s test. Mum sat in the passenger seat talking about some crap; I wasn’t really listening. It wasn’t like I needed her guidance when it came to the road. I’d been driving for as long as I could remember. If I could get around a racetrack cleanly, a suburban street was hardly a challenge.

  By the time I got out of the car and headed for homeroom, I was a sweaty mess. It seemed likely that I had a fifty-fifty chance of being kissed or ignored. Of having my love returned or my heart stamped into the dirt. I spotted Alyssa on a bench in front of the classroom. Her smile grew exponentially when her gaze locked with mine and all of my nervous energy rushed from me on my next breath.

  My own grin grew to match hers. She’d obviously found my note. She’d found it and knew how I felt. She ran toward me, and I sped to get closer to her too.

  The instant she was in my arms, all of the doubt Dad had instilled in me dissipated. Everything disappeared except her.

  “I’m so sorry, Dec, I’m an idiot.”

  I leaned over to whisper the words she needed so badly to hear, but before I could get them out, she pressed a finger to my lips.

  “I know,” she murmured. “I love you too.”

  “Don’t ever doubt it.” I nuzzled her hair and kissed her neck. “No matter what happens—don’t ever doubt it.”

  She shook her head and smiled. “Never again.”

 
CHAPTER EIGHT: THE END OF PRIVACY

  WHEN I LED Alyssa into my parents’ home, my mind was filled with thoughts of the events of twelve months earlier. My birthday: the day we’d got back together after our longest breakup. This birthday had been so different already. Alyssa had met me at the school gate with my present in her hands and a kiss on her lips. Instead of spending the day avoiding each other, we’d spent it ignoring everyone else.

  Before we’d even finished crossing the threshold, Mum was at the door preening over Alyssa. I stifled a chuckle. Once, Alyssa had been as much of an installation in my house as I had been in hers. It had been a while since I’d last brought Alyssa home though, mostly because her parents were home less often than Mum. Even when Josh was there, he didn’t care or want to know what we did, so we were usually left alone. Whenever we were at my place though, Mum practically became a helicopter. I knew it came from a place of love, but it was still annoying as fuck to have Mum looking over our shoulders when I wanted to kiss my girlfriend.

  “It’s so nice to see you, Alyssa,” Mum said, pulling her into a hug. Despite the fact that Alyssa was tugged away from me by the move, I refused to let her hand go.

  “You too, Kelly,” Alyssa replied, her voice sugar and sweet despite the things she’d been whispering to me not too long before. “Your hair looks lovely.”

  Mum touched her new cut and smiled before turning to me. “You hide this young woman away far too much. You should bring her home more often.”

  I rolled my eyes, but held my tongue. There wasn’t much point trying to explain that Mum’s reaction was exactly the reason why I didn’t bring Alyssa home very often.

  “I hope you brought your appetite,” Mum said to Alyssa. “I’ve cooked Declan’s favourite, and I’ve catered for an army again. You know me.”

  As soon as Mum’s back was turned, Alyssa met my gaze, and the look in her eyes bypassed every logical part of my brain and travelled straight to my dick. Fuck me! I fought against the urge to drag her straight to my room mid conversation.

  “I’m starved,” Alyssa said. It took my mind a moment to catch up to the fact that she was talking to Mum and not me. She turned away to meet Mum’s gaze, and I was finally able to breathe again. “I’m really looking forward to dinner.”