Declan Reede: The Untold Story (Complete Series)

by Michelle Irwin

  Those streets, I understood even if nothing else made sense.

  I clung on to the corners in my car, craving familiarity. Only there was nothing familiar there anymore. The track was cleared, the stands dismantled, and the crowds tucked in their beds all around Australia and the rest of the world. The roads were just that—roads. I longed for the comfort of my race gear, the feeling of power that came from throwing the race car around the track. I ached to feel in control of something—anything—rather than just feeling like a passive bystander in my own life.

  Parking in Surfers Paradise, I walked along the beachfront until I reached Cavil Avenue and the nightclubs that lined the road. They were ones Alyssa and I had always talked about visiting after we turned eighteen, but we’d never made it. I doubted she had even after I left; the twins were born shortly before my own eighteenth and her birthday was almost two months after that. Grief and a three-month-old would hardly have put her in the mood for clubbing.

  On a whim, I walked inside one. I didn’t notice what the name was; didn’t really care. Something to do with moons or stars or some shit. I just wanted a drink. I longed for control, but if I couldn’t have it, oblivion would do.

  It cost me a ten fucking dollar cover charge to get into the club. I ordered a double whiskey and a Corona and was out another twenty. I downed the whiskey in one gulp and chased it with the beer. At that rate, it would cost me too much to get sufficiently blotto. Once, I wouldn’t have blinked at the cost, but with my recent fines and pay suspension, I had to give a shit about things like that.

  Even though I had no idea where things stood with Alyssa, I wasn’t interested in chasing tail; for once my libido was tucked away—or perhaps I’d just left it in Browns Plains with Alyssa. On top of that, the music was shit. All in all, there was no fucking way I would be able to relax in the club, so I left. Instead, I pulled into the first bottle-o I saw and bought two small bottles of whiskey.

  Within minutes, I was back on the highway. I put “Unforgiven II” on repeat to drown out my thoughts, and drank deeply from the bottle as I drove up the highway back to Browns Plains. It was only when I turned off the highway that I decided I couldn’t leave it like it was. I drove straight to Alyssa’s house. I wasn’t happy with the way things had ended in the park and I needed to know where we stood. I just needed to get her to understand how much I needed her now. How inescapable she was for me. That I wasn’t making any promises I didn’t fully intend to keep.

  I hadn’t realised I had downed three quarters of the first bottle until I climbed out of the car and my legs didn’t work quite the way they were supposed to. I staggered across her front lawn and banged on her door. “Alyssa!”

  There was no answer from the dark little house, so I banged again and shouted louder.

  There was still no response. I tried for a third time and a light came on. Unfortunately, it wasn’t a light in Alyssa’s house but her neighbour’s. Less than a minute later, someone came out of that house. An old lady wearing a floral nightgown and a hideous pink velvet robe stared down her nose at me with a mouth pinched into the shape of an arsehole.

  “What are you doing banging like that at this hour of night?” the nosy old bitch asked.

  “I gotta talk to Alyssa,” I shouted at her. I couldn’t seem to figure out how to find the volume control for my voice.

  “Well, she’s not there.” The old bitch started to shut her door, closing my one connection to answers at the moment.

  “Wait! Do you know where she is?”

  Mrs. Nosy looked me up and down as if I were some animal pissing on her roses. “It’s not really my place to say.”

  Sure, as if you don’t fucking gossip all up and down this town.

  I didn’t recognise this old woman, but I knew her type well enough. Luckily for me, I also knew how to charm them. I took a few steps toward her yard, careful not to actually enter it because that would put her off-side. I put my best smile on my face, hoping like fuck it worked but too drunk to tell for sure. “Please, it’s really important. I have to talk to her, or at least get a message to her.”

  Mrs. Nosy looked me over again. “I know where she is. I can get a message to her for you.”

  “Tonight?” I interrupted.

  She rolled her eyes. “It’s too late to be politely calling on people, son.”

  “It’s really urgent.” I didn’t know why it was so fucking urgent, just that I needed to see her again and I felt that if I didn’t do it now, I’d never have another opportunity to try. I knew I was being irrational, but I couldn’t turn it off. A night of panic attacks and haunted dreams would be my reward if I refused to chase Alyssa right then. I wondered if it was just the words of the songs I’d been listening to that had me so worried, but I needed to see her to know that she would still try for there to be an us. I didn’t understand why she’d walked away from me at the park. Why she didn’t see that I was trying and just allow me the fucking opportunity to show her how devoted I could be if she’d just let me. Why she ran every time the future was mentioned in passing or I told her how beautiful she was.

  “Look, young man. I know Josh and Ruby wouldn’t appreciate getting a phone call this time of night—”

  I didn’t listen to the rest of her sentence. I knew enough for now. I stumbled back to my car and climbed in. I pulled out my phone and brought up the Internet. I flipped to the White Pages and entered Dawson of Browns Plains. There were fifteen names but only one J and R so I drove to the address listed for them. Why fucking call if I could just turn up? At least that way I could turn on the charm and have some chance for success—however limited that might have been.

  I finished the last of the bottle on the way to Josh’s. I needed liquid gold courage in order to be able to face him again. I could clearly remember the pain of our last meeting—a beating that severe takes a lifetime to forget. I parked the car one street over from their house. There was no point putting my baby in harm’s way if Josh decided to try to knock my block off. I wouldn’t put it past Ruby to fuck up my car somehow either.

  I walked the short distance to Josh’s house. It seemed to take forever, but I wondered whether that was because each of my steps seemed to take me farther sideways than forward. I checked each letterbox carefully, taking all my energy to focus on the numbers to make sure I got the right house. Once I was certain I had the one I needed, I thanked the Lord because the house was still mostly lit up. Someone had to be awake at least. I banged on the door once, but didn’t call out for Alyssa. That would be a sure-fire way to make sure she wasn’t the one who answered.

  The porch light came on above me and it drew my attention. I stared at it for a few moments, blinking. I didn’t even hear the door open, but I did hear the sigh. It was the smallest sound in the world but from the most important person.

  “What are you doing here, Declan?” Alyssa asked, sounding tired. “I thought we were going to meet up tomorrow night.”

  I smiled a little. “You still want to meet tomorrow?” I squeezed my eyes shut and then opened them quickly to try to focus on her.

  “Jesus Christ, Declan! Are you drunk?”

  Oh . . . fuck. Not drinking was one of her fucking requirements or some shit . . . wasn’t it? I scratched my head trying to remember. I recalled something along those lines. Shit! I shook my head enthusiastically. “Nope. Not me.” A chuckle escaped my lips.

  Alyssa pushed me away from the door and stepped out herself, pulling it closed behind her. “Declan, how stupid do you think I am?”

  I was confused by her question. “I don’t think you’re stupid at all.” Reaching out to stroke her hair, I continued. “I think you’re pretty.”

  “I’m going to ask you another question and you need to think very carefully about how you answer it, okay?”

  “Wait, was that the question?”

  She sighed and pressed on. “Have you been drinking tonight?”

  I nodded. I’d remembered I was allowed to drink,
just not get drunk.

  “Well, at least you’re not trying to lie to me anymore.”

  I scrunched my eyebrows. “I may be a fuck-up, Alyssa, but I’ve never lied to you. Well except maybe when I told you I didn’t want you anymore.”

  She pinched the bridge of her nose but remained silent.

  “I never stopped wanting you. Never. I never stopped seeing you. Never ever.”

  I stepped closer to her and put my hand on her shoulder to steady myself. I rested my mouth against her ear.

  “I never stopped loving you. You’re in my dreams every night.”

  My vantage point gave me a good opportunity to drink in all her features, and I found that was more satisfying and helpful than the entire bottle of whiskey had been. I pulled back a little and examined her whole face. A lone tear ran down her cheek. Lifting my hand, I traced my finger across her skin to wipe away the tear before cupping her face. Her eyes closed and her lips parted. I guided her face closer to me. I gave her plenty of opportunity to pull away, but she didn’t. The instant our lips met the haze lifted from my mind.

  Her lips were moist and warm as they brushed against mine. Her tongue pressed forward into my mouth and made my breathing speed. I shifted my hand from her cheek to the back of her head. I wrapped my other hand around her waist and pulled her tightly to me.

  Her hands came up into my hair and tugged at it gently. My mind was sending my body all sorts of crazy impulses. Some part of me realised that this was a mistake. I was pushing her too far and I needed to back off. I savoured her taste for another few seconds before gently pulling away from her lips and resting my forehead on hers. After the magic was broken and we’d parted, I kept my eyes closed. I didn’t want to see the expression on Alyssa’s face. I knew it didn’t matter what it was, it would kill me. If it was revulsion, it would mean I was fucked when it came to second chances. If it was need, it would drive me to decisions I needed to avoid.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

  Alyssa responded by pulling her hands, which were still in my hair, toward herself and forcing my lips back to hers. She kissed me fiercely and I responded, wrapping both my arms around her waist and lifting her against my body. Before I was ready to let go again, Alyssa’s hands dropped out of my hair and she broke off the kiss.

  “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

  I chuckled. “That was my line.”

  She laughed softly, without any mirth.

  “I am sorry for everything I’ve ever done to you, Alyssa. More sorry than you will ever know.”

  “Even for the email?” Her voice held a little resentment.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT: SPIRAL

  “WHAT DO YOU mean?” I asked, wondering what the hell she could mean by her question.

  “For the reply I got to the email asking you to call me.”

  “You never emailed me asking to call you. You called me asking to call you but never emailed.”

  “I did. You even responded.” Her voice was thick with emotion.

  I shook my head trying to clear the cobwebs that were quickly settling back over my mind. Email. Mum had mentioned something about an email too. What was that? That Alyssa had been in tears for hours after receiving it. I was afraid to ask the obvious question, but I had to. I had to know how badly I had hurt her if I ever wanted to make it right. “How did I respond?”

  “With photos and video attached of you screwing three other women. At once. And the email message said that I could go fuck myself, because you were no longer interested in talking to me.” Alyssa’s gaze fell to the ground as she fought back tears.

  I guided her face to look back at me and met her gaze as best as I could. “I’m sorry. You’ll never know how big an impact you’ve had on me. How big the hole in my heart was when I left. I fought against it, because I was consumed by you. Fighting it just made me hurt you over and over. There’s nothing I can say other than sorry, but I’ll say it a hundred times if I have to. A thousand. I’ll apologise every damn day for the rest of forever if that’s what it takes for you to forgive me.”

  The tears were flowing freely down Alyssa’s face now and she began to sob. I wrapped my arms around her and clutched her tightly to my chest. I could feel all of her curves moulding to the front of my body and found myself instantly hard. I dropped my arms and stepped back quickly, landing on my arse but unsure how I got there.

  Alyssa sighed. “Why do you have to be drunk to have this conversation? You probably won’t even remember this in the morning.”

  I smirked at her. “I mingh’t . . . mightn’n . . . might not, but you will. And that’s what’s important.”

  I waved my arm in the air to punctuate my point and she laughed. After I’d offered her what I hoped was a sexy wink, she shook her head a little as her laughter continued.

  She held out her arm to me to help me off the ground. “Come on, Casanova, let’s get you up.”

  I didn’t think it through before I put my hand up to hers. As soon as her hand was in mine, I pulled, trying to help myself up. Instead, I succeeded only in pulling her on top of me. The weight of her body on just my upper torso pushed me to the ground and I instinctively wrapped my arms around her to stop her from getting hurt. We were soon a pile of jumbled limbs and laughter.

  When we settled, I was lying on the ground and Alyssa was above me staring intently into my face. She dipped her face again and pressed her lips to mine for the second time that night. I reciprocated hard, my body taking over and drinking in every bit of her it could. My hands roamed up the back of her shirt. She moaned against my mouth and that was all I needed. I rolled us together so I was on top of her and kissed her fiercely. Our tongues danced with each other and we both began to explore each other’s bodies.

  I broke off the kiss and raised my head when I heard the front door open.

  “Lys, you all right out here?” Josh asked quietly from the porch. Then his eyes focused on Alyssa and me. His voice was full of rage as he shouted, “What the fuck, Reede?”

  I extricated myself from Alyssa’s arms as quickly as I could and crawled backward. I lost control of my limbs and ended up on my arse for the second time. I raised my hands up in an attempt at defence, but knew it was futile in my current state. I wasn’t even able to find my own fucking voice.

  “Josh, stop!” Alyssa seemed to come to her senses quickly and stood, holding her hand out to him.

  “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Josh snapped.

  Alyssa’s voice was thick with both rage and embarrassment. “Josh, I’m a grown woman. I can make my own choices.”

  “You’re lying underneath Reede in the middle of our fucking lawn, Alyssa. That’s not a wise choice.”

  “I—I fell. Alyssa was helping me up.” I found my voice finally. Even I recognised how piss-weak I sounded.

  Josh scoffed. “Sure, that’s what it looked like. I swear to God, Reede. Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t fucking knock your block off right now?”

  “Because I came over to fucking apologise to Alyssa,” I shouted, managing to push myself up off the ground.

  “You’ll never be able to apologise enough for how much you hurt her.”

  For some reason, I took a few steps toward him. It seemed my brain had overridden my sense of self-preservation. “You think I don’t know that? You think I don’t realise that nothing I ever do will erase how I’ve made her feel? But how about the shit that you did?”

  He seemed amused that I was coming at him and confused by my words. “Like?”

  “Don’t give me that ‘like?’ crap! Like fucking kicking my arse for no fucking reason. You don’t think that hurt Alyssa too? Especially considering your fucking beating was a big part of why I signed the contract and went to Sydney.” I was right in his face now. I was ready for him to take a swing at me. Practically begging for it.

  Instead, he just laughed and shook his head. “Ke
ep telling yourself that. You can’t even own up and say that you made a decision because it was the one you wanted to make.”

  “Of course it was the fucking decision I wanted to make. Why the hell would I want to stay in this shithole town and be a fucking housebound husband when I can go live every fucking male’s dream driving race cars?” I realised how bad the words sounded the instant they left my mouth. I turned quickly to look at Alyssa, but all I saw was her back as she pushed past Josh and ran back in the house.

  Josh just stood there looking smug. “I think it would be best if you left now, Reede.”

  “No. Fuck you. I’m not leaving until I talk to Alyssa again.”

  “What if she doesn’t want to talk to you?”

  “I don’t fucking care. I need to tell her that she’s the reason.”

  “She’s the reason for what?”

  “For me—no, fuck it! I’m not explaining anything to you. I don’t owe you shit. I owe Alyssa explanations. Explanations I don’t even fucking understand myself.”

  “I’m not getting Alyssa for you.”

  “I’ll talk to her again. I’ll wait here all fucking night if I have to.”

  “Do what you want.” He shrugged and turned back into the house.

  I walked up to the door and put my hand on it, unsure what to do next. If I knocked, there was every chance that Josh would answer. Which meant there was every fucking chance he would knock my head off. The alcohol haze over my head didn’t help the decision-making process. The only thing I knew for sure was that I was unable to leave. I couldn’t even if I tried. In the end, I slumped against the door and rested my head against the doorjamb.

  At some point, I must have fallen asleep because I was woken by the sound of a woman’s screams. I stood and stretched out. Every part of me ached from the uncomfortable position I’d been in. My head ached most of all. The screams came from the room with the window just down from where I was standing and I just knew who it was who’d screamed. It was strange how I could recognise any sound Alyssa made. It was as if it registered in some part of my brain that was reserved only for her.