Ransacked Heart

by Jayne Bauling

  A savage anger rose, but she must have kept it hidden, because Giles didn’t appear to notice anything wrong.

  When he had left, she was still prevented from giving way to rage as Penny put through one of the DJs she had already been out with once, ringing to ask if she would like to go to a Mongolian barbecue with him that evening.

  ‘Sounds good to me,’ Maria accepted decisively, a light of blazing defiance in her eyes.

  Only she wasn’t sure at whom the defiance was directed, Luke or herself. She had to suppose it was herself. Now that Luke no longer wanted her, he wouldn’t care about anything she did, so no action of hers constituted defiance.

  Self-recrimination was setting in. Maria burned with shame. How could she have done this to herself? How could she have let herself be used by a man who held her in contempt? Worse, she had been prepared to let him go on using her, had he chosen to do so.

  That was why she was reacting so badly to the news that he had left Taipei.

  Above all, how could she have allowed herself to love Luke Scott?

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  LUKE stayed away for two weeks, during which time Maria had convinced herself that she was unlikely ever to see him again without actively seeking him out, so she could only stare incredulously for several seconds when she opened her apartment door in response to the bell’s summons early on a Friday evening and found him standing there.

  There was a slight tremor to the hand she had raised, as if she could hold off the madness that way, and she dropped it swiftly as she absorbed the hardness of his saturnine face and the overt demand glittering hotly in his eyes.

  ‘Wasn’t once enough for you, Luke?’ The tone was blistering, but her smile was twisted and her heart knocked painfully behind her ribs, its pace unhealthy.

  ‘No,’ he answered her curtly. ‘Not nearly enough, Maria.’

  He was moving into the hallway, and Maria backed away, afraid of her feelings again, terrified of any physical contact between them. She knew what would happen. The craving of her flesh for more of that fighting lovemaking would instantly override all other considerations—pride, her awareness of his contempt, the knowledge that he could destroy her.

  Temptation was even more dangerously irresistible now that she knew she loved him. Just the sight of him, his height and the strength she had gauged so intimately, and his darkness, emphasised by the light colours of his casual clothing, provoked the yearning, that molten clamouring throb of hidden flesh, with the anguished clenching of her heart its emotional counterpart.

  ‘Well, it was enough for me. Quite enough—more than enough.’

  Recklessly she built up the lie, agitatedly aware that she was protesting too much in her desperation but unable to prevent herself.

  ‘Strange…Your mouth stays beautiful when you’re lying,’ he quipped drily, closing the door and clicking one of the locks.

  But the dark grey eyes were smouldering as they dropped briefly from the stormy curve of her mouth to her body, scantily clad in garments that were casual in the extreme, her favourite faded denim shorts cut from an old pair of jeans, and the little white cotton bustier into which she had changed on her return from work, planning to spend the humid twilight time out on her balcony before preparing to attend a local record company’s promotion party.

  Then Luke returned his attention to her tense face, their eyes meeting, too much knowledge in both pairs.

  ‘For God’s sake, Luke, leave me some pride!’ The words emerged involuntarily in response to that moment of stark recognition. ‘Leave me alone!’

  ‘I can’t!’ he grated. ‘Do you think I don’t feel it in my pride too, Maria? I don’t enjoy this any more than you do, but it’s got us well and truly trapped, hasn’t it? I wish to God once had been enough. I thought it might be—that’s why I went back to Hong Kong, so I wouldn’t be tempted to see you and start believing it wasn’t. I didn’t want an affair with you—I don’t! But if these last couple of weeks are anything to go by, I’m never going to know any peace, never stop burning, never be able to take an interest in anyone until this thing between us has run its course.’

  ‘Aren’t you exaggerating? What about Cavell Fielding?’ Maria wondered waspishly, and saw Luke’s surprise. ‘Giles said he and Ursula had been out with the two of you. Does she know that you’ve been unfaithful to her once already and are willing to be again—except that this time I’m not co-operating? Or are you hoping to keep her in ignorance so you can go back to her when you get tired of me and start wanting to respect yourself again? Has it occurred to you how hypocritical you’re being when——?’

  ‘Cavell and I have never been lovers,’ Luke interrupted her incisively. ‘Yes, I know some people might think we are because we occasionally partner each other, but you should have known better—or perhaps not, since you never had any scruples about being a party to another man’s infidelity six years ago, which leads me to believe that this show of conscience on Cavell’s behalf is just that—show! You don’t really have any inhibitions about stealing, do you, Maria? But you won’t be, anyway. In fact, you were the first woman I’d made love to in quite a long time, and I haven’t even been interested in anyone since you were offered this job here and accepted it. I was waiting for you…and then after that night I was here with you, I tried to convince myself that it was over, that I didn’t need any more. But it’s not ended yet, is it? You’re in my blood. These past two weeks…Have they been as bad for you, darling?’

  Maria was momentarily gripped by an odd, angry despair in response to his denial that he was having an affair with Cavell. Resistance might have been easier if he had been, not that her belief that he was had been enough to stop her succumbing to him once. Shame swept through her.

  She was still digesting the resentment with which his concluding confession was coloured and the mockery lacing his final endearment as Luke reached for her. Inevitably, resistance melted the moment he touched her.

  ‘Yes! I was lying…Oh, God, Luke! I want you’, she confided passionately, arching against him and repeating it urgently. ‘I want you!’

  This time he didn’t make her wait, because he couldn’t. They didn’t even get as far as the bedroom, one of the soft rugs strewn over the carpeting in her lounge serving as their bed of reunion, Maria still partly and Luke almost fully clothed as they subsided on to its subtly glowing colours.

  Maria was sobbing with desire as she felt his hands push insistently at her thighs, and then the rigid flesh she had freed to her caress just moments previously was nudging at her body, demanding entry and release. She welcomed the welding of hot flesh with a harsh gasp, rent by searing pleasure as the powerful rhythm of his thrusts rocked her. She kneaded at his chest in an agony of rapture before clinging, nails biting into him as he drove deeper, striking into the heart of her desire with a passion that convulsed them both and hurtled them to a zenith of sensation stunning in its ferocity.

  ‘Oh, God, Maria!’ Luke groaned as she fell back.

  Spent, his lower body still made one last involuntary thrusting movement like a reminder or a promise of more, and then he was withdrawing, moving away from her immediately, levering himself to his feet and standing with his back to her.

  Maria looked at him in silence for a while, and when she could breathe easily again and felt she had the strength, she rose.

  ‘Is that how little regard you have for me?’ she asked bitterly. ‘Unprotected sex, since you don’t even know if I’m using anything myself——’

  ‘It’s how much I wanted you.’ Luke’s tone was equally bitter, and he kept his back to her.

  Without another word, Maria left the room.

  She showered, struggling not to weep, and slipped on her emerald robe before returning to the lounge. Luke was standing outside on the balcony, and once again she found herself looking at his back.

  This was the true defeat, she knew. Once might be excusable, but twice, and all the other times to come——

&n
bsp; A wave of shamed heat engulfed her. She had sold pride for pleasure.

  But she loved him, and that made it a bargain—and he didn’t even deserve to be loved.

  The thought provoked anger, imparting brittleness to the statement she addressed to his back.

  ‘I have to go out this evening.’

  Luke turned to face her, shadow making a mystery of his expression.

  ‘Cancel whatever it is,’ he advised her.

  ‘It’s work-related.’

  ‘Important?’

  ‘Oh, I suppose if you’re offering me a position as your wife—consort—in Hong Kong, anything to do with my career here can easily be sacrificed,’ she taunted.

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous!’ Rejection, unsoftened by any hint of humour.

  ‘No, I didn’t really think you were.’ Flatly.

  ‘What is the occasion?’ asked Luke.

  ‘A couple of the DJs and I have been invited to a party being given by one of the local music companies. They’re all wooing us now that we’re playing local music, wanting to introduce us to their artists, sampling us with their product.’

  ‘Is Jones one of the jocks?’

  ‘No, two of our Mandarin-speaking contingent. My assistant Penny is also going.’ Maria paused. ‘Do you want to come with me?’

  ‘No, but if you’ll give me your spare keys I can be waiting here for you when you get back. I must collect my gear and check out of the hotel…I suppose you do realise that I’m planning to stay for the weekend?’ Luke added mockingly. ‘I’d make it longer, but I have to be back in Hong Kong on Monday. Are you likely to be late?’

  ‘No.’

  So this was how it was going to be from now on, Maria accepted as she turned to go and find the keys. Now that Luke had her, now that he knew she was incapable of resisting him, there was no longer any need for him to be seen with her. Theirs was going to be a secret affair.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ Luke had followed her into the lounge.

  ‘Nothing.’ She extracted her spare set of keys from the pretty jar of locally made pottery she had bought when Nicky Kai had taken her to visit an unusual pottery one day. ‘But I’d like to talk to you when I get back. I’m running late.’

  He grinned slightly at the emphasis, but grew serious again at once.

  ‘Then I’ll leave you to get ready. But there is one thing that needs to be said now. If you’re not already using some form of contraceptive, you’d better see to it, although normally I’d agree that it’s a joint responsibility, since it seems that I’m so atrociously lacking in control where you’re concerned…damn you, Maria.’

  The last three words were uttered under his breath and he looked as if he hated her, she saw, made fully aware of his resentment.

  ‘And damn you, Luke. I know just how you feel.’ she returned with violent mockery before turning away.

  There were things to be said and asked, things they both needed to understand, but she wasn’t inclined to risk such a potentially traumatic discussion now, so shortly before she had to go out and be both professional and sociable. Her mood was already hyperemotional as it was.

  Over the next few hours, she thought she was succeeding in calming herself, but the superficial serenity proved fragile, shattering when she got home and found Luke comfortably ensconced in her lounge with a newspaper and some overtly erotic instrumental music playing softly in the background.

  It was the implications of his presence as much as the sight of him that heated her skin and caused her heart to thunder as her mind leapt treacherously forward to the night that lay ahead of them.

  ‘Have you eaten?’ he asked as he rose.

  ‘Yes.’ She remembered a handful of snacks consumed without appetite. ‘You?’

  ‘Yes, at the hotel. Come and sit down,’ he invited her, indicating the elegant stone-coloured couch he had been occupying.

  Maria hesitated, self-consciously aware of the stupidity of resistance now when their relationship was a fait accompli and irreversible, but disturbed by the way he was regarding her. The sensual appraisal was mixed with a hint of amusement which could have been in response to her apparent coyness, or perhaps her shortskirted dress with its modest round neckline was the cause, its clash of riotous colours outrageous, orange running into scarlet into crimson with small touches of hot pink.

  ‘I have to ask you some things,’ she cautioned him tightly, finally stepping round the coffee-table and seating herself.

  ‘Yes?’ he prompted, sitting down again.

  ‘Are we…Is this an affair?’ It sounded gauche, and she felt a prick of resentment, hating the way he could reduce her to this humiliating state of uncertainty.

  ‘I can’t think what else we should call it,’ Luke returned sardonically. ‘Can you?’

  ‘Oh, I can think of several things,’ she told him with soft-voiced hostility.

  Impatience tightened his face. ‘If you’re going to start fighting this all over again, denying——’

  ‘I’m not fighting anything,’ Maria cut in bitterly. ‘I can’t, can I? You used the right word earlier—trapped. No, I’m just seeking answers. I want to know exactly where I stand. For instance, how long is it going to last, Luke?’

  He shrugged irritably, a trace of resentment evident in his manner. ‘How the hell should I know? As long as it takes for us to tire of each other, I suppose. As long as it lasts.’

  Her dark eyelashes screened her eyes momentarily. ‘And what happens if it lasts longer for one of us than it does for the other?’

  The challenge clearly didn’t appeal to Luke and he was silent for several seconds, contemplating it distastefully.

  ‘Do you really think that’s likely?’ he countered eventually. ‘When we’re so perfectly matched, the duration is likely to suit us equally perfectly. It began at the same time for both of us, didn’t it? The moment we set eyes on each other…six years ago.’

  Maria recognised the evasion, but she was disinclined to challenge it. She knew the answer anyway. For her, this would last a lifetime, because she loved him. Luke would tire of her, and the answer to her original question already lay like a shadow on her mind. She would be left—bereft.

  ‘Next question,’ she moved on with wan humour. ‘How often am I likely to see you?’

  The look he gave her was angry and he stirred restlessly.

  ‘What is this?’ he demanded.

  ‘At a rough guess?’ she persisted tartly. ‘If I’m going to have to organise my life around flying visits from you, I’ll need to have some idea.’

  Luke expelled a harsh sigh. ‘All right, then. Weekends, when I can get away, I suppose. I can’t be more accurate than that.’

  Maria inclined her head, a sharply mocking smile curving her mouth as she assessed the role she was to occupy in his life. Pride protested, but love and desire were paramount.

  ‘How convenient that we live and work in different countries!’ she taunted waspishly, disinclined to make his victory too sweet, total though they both knew it was. ‘This really has worked out perfectly, hasn’t it? Just the way you once wished it could when you were regretting the good old days when a man could keep his unsuitable mistress hidden away, knowing she’d be there waiting upon his pleasure, whenever he felt the urge and could spare the time to see her. Of course, in those days the mistress was generally kept by her lover, set up in a cosy little love-nest somewhere, her accounts settled with no questions asked…Although I suppose we could say that you’re supporting me, since you employ me, but, unlike the gentleman cads of those sepia-tinted days, you might find you occasionally have to take second place to the demands of your mistress’s work!’

  She hadn’t realised how much it angered her until she had begun, and by the time she came to a halt, her voice had acquired all the sting of a whiplash. Luke had no right to be ashamed of her!

  ‘May I remind you that you will frequently have to take second place to the demands of my work?’ His own tone was silken but dead
ly. ‘No, we’re going to be modern lovers, Maria, our respective careers the primary reason for a certain unavoidable number of solitary nights. But if the arrangement doesn’t suit you, we’ll have to think of something else.’

  He would make the arrogant assumption that she was complaining about all the times separation would deprive her of him. The solitary nights, because that was the only way he wanted to consort with her—in bed. She was to be his private partner only, kept from public knowledge.

  ‘Oh, but it suits me perfectly, Luke,’ she disabused him of the conceit with a blistering smile. ‘You see, I’m just as ashamed of all this as you are.’

  Except that it would embarrass him if it were known that he was involved with someone like her, whereas she was ashamed of herself. Was she really prepared to accept all this humiliation for the sake of however many weekends he spared her before he tired of her? Bleakly she wondered what sort of person she would have become by the time that happened.

  Luke’s face had darkened, but he only said dismissively, ‘I think we understand each other perfectly, then.’

  ‘I hope so.’ Still an urge to hit out compelled her, a need to try and hurt him in retaliation for the pain he dealt her with his unhidden contempt. ‘But in case you need it spelt out, I’m just as anxious as you are to keep this shameful secret of ours hidden. I don’t think I want my friends and colleagues here knowing about this.’

  It wasn’t true. She didn’t care one way or the other, but the moody glance he sent her provided a small measure of compensation for all the insults she had endured from him.

  ‘As you wish, although you can hardly imagine that Jones would mind if he did find out. I doubt if exclusivity in a relationship is something he values,’ Luke taunted inimically. ‘Or does the famous double standard apply here? He can indulge himself with whichever other women attract him, but you’re to remain for his exclusive use, keeping yourself unencumbered, ready and available for whenever he has a whim to renew the relationship?’

  ‘The same way you expect me to keep myself for your.use now,’ Maria snapped derisively, scalded by the shame of the knowledge that that was exactly what she was going to do, and tired of hearing about her supposed affair with Florian. ‘For the last time, I am not involved with Florian Jones, and I don’t want to be.’