On the Way Back

by Fox, Ella

  * * *

  “Peanut Breath, did you take a sleeping pill?”

  My lids felt weighted, and I struggled to open my eyes. When they finally did open, I groaned. The curtains I’d closed were now open and letting in the bright Vegas sun. I wrinkled my brow in confusion as I tried to work out how long I’d slept. I’d arrived at Goldie’s just before five at night. The sun was so bright that I knew it wasn’t the same day anymore. I hadn’t gotten more than two consecutive hours of sleep in a year, which likely accounted for why I felt so lethargic.

  I yawned and pushed my hair back as I turned and looked at my grandmother. “I didn’t take a sleeping pill, I’m just exhausted. Is it okay with you if I catch another two or three hours of sleep?”

  “Sure, honey. I just wanted to check on you,” she said cheerfully. “You were out like a light when I got in from work at midnight, and I didn’t want to leave for work again without saying hi.”

  I frowned in confusion and rubbed at my eyes. “How come you’re going in so early?”

  She snickered and shook her head, the movement causing her silky chestnut hair to float around her shoulders. “I’m working the same shift I always do—three thirty to eleven thirty.”

  “It’s three in the afternoon?” I asked, stunned.

  Holy crap, I’d slept more than twenty hours. It sure didn’t feel like it, though. I was still exhausted.

  “It sure is. I’ve got to go, but I cut up a nice fruit salad and made a pepperoni and mushroom frittata for you to pick at. Please make sure you eat something, okay?”

  I nodded as she leaned in and kissed my cheek, the scent of her Chanel perfume like a warm hug in itself. “Call me at work if you need anything at all. I love you, Peanut Breath.”

  “I love you too, Goldie. Thank you for letting me—”

  “Don’t finish that sentence,” she warned. “There’s always a place for you with me. I’m not letting you stay here— this is your home.”

  I swallowed past the lump that had developed in my throat as I nodded. After she left, I got up and dragged myself into the bathroom before I got right back into bed. All the while I was thinking about what she’d said about her house being my home. Although it would always hold a prominent place in my heart, the previous day had shown me the truth. Goldie’s house wasn’t home to me anymore.

  To me, home was the house I’d shared with Garrett. The very same home I’d packed up and vacated when I started the divorce ball rolling. It was as if I could feel the missing weight of the pieces of myself I’d left behind. Reaching up, I fingered the platinum and diamond urn necklace I never took off. Garrett’s mother Aubrey had pulled me aside to give it to me after the entire family sat me down to talk. They’d rightfully been concerned about the inordinate amount of time I spent staring at Melody’s urn.

  Once I had a small part of her ashes in the necklace, I’d been able to spend less time staring at the makeshift shrine on the mantle in the living room. It wasn’t ideal, but it was better.

  Thinking about home and Melody hurt like hell. It had been so goddamn hard to leave that urn behind, but it felt wrong to take it. Garrett was as affected by losing her as I was. I didn’t have the stomach or the heart to take any part of her away from him. As it was, I had to live with the unbearable suspicion that the reason he’d lost her to begin with was because of me.

  Thinking of the ways I’d hurt Garrett made my stomach churn. Closing my eyes, I burrowed beneath the blankets and said a silent prayer that he’d be happy. It was the only thing that really mattered anymore.

  * * *

  “It’s been five days since you got here and you’ve essentially done nothing but sleep. Should I be taking you to the doctor so they can check if you’ve got mono?”

  I looked over my shoulder at Goldie and rolled my eyes before I turned back and opened the cabinet that held the coffee mugs. “I don’t have mono, I’m just tired. I must be working off a sleep deficit.”

  My grandmother stayed silent while I prepared my coffee and then turned and walked to the kitchen table where she was seated. Her TV guide was opened to the crossword puzzle, but she’d put her pencil down when I walked in. Setting my cup down on the glass tabletop, I pulled out one of the black chairs and took a seat.

  “You’re looking at me weird,” I said.

  I was hoping that she wasn’t going to talk to me about Garrett. Again. She’d argued with me about the divorce until she was nearly blue in the face but I’d never backed down. I knew she didn’t agree with what I’d done, but she loved me enough to stick by me anyway. Goldie supported me no matter what but I was very much aware of how much she adored Garrett. If she had her way, we’d have worked things out.

  She made a hmm noise as she leaned back in her chair and adjusted the belt of her lavender colored robe. “I’d hoped to talk to you about this earlier in the week, but you were never awake during the times I was home from work, so this is the first chance I’ve had.”

  “What is it?” I asked. My stomach churned when I realized she looked nervous.

  “Sooo,” she said slowly, “the thing is… I’ve been seeing someone and, well, it’s serious.”

  My eyebrows crept up toward my hairline with surprise. Goldie had dated men while I was growing up, but she’d never classified any of them as serious. Part of the reason for that was that most of the men had issues with her job— working in a strip club was hard for some men to take— but I also knew that the other reason was that she’d spent her life focusing first on my mother, and then on me. My mother never acknowledged all that Goldie did for us, but I was always aware of the sacrifices she’d made. With that being the case, it was a big deal that she was referring to a relationship as serious.

  “That’s great!” I said, wanting her to know I was happy for her. “When you say serious does that mean he’ll be moving in?”

  I instantly knew if that were the case, I’d take it as a sign that I needed to get my own place ASAP. Maybe that was the way things needed to be, though. I still felt out of place, like a book that had been put back in the wrong section of the library.

  “It’s a… unique situation,” she hedged. “I need to talk to you first.”

  My heartbeat began to accelerate as I studied my grandmother. She was seriously nervous, and I was suddenly afraid she was going to tell me something horrible, like she was sick.

  “Are you okay?” I asked, my voice sounding croaky to my own ears.

  “Oh, honey, I didn’t mean to worry you. Yes, I’m fine. Healthy as a horse. Clearly, I’m doing this all wrong. The reason I’m nervous about this conversation is because, well, you see, Alan is the man I’ve been seeing, and once the project he’s on wraps in a few weeks, he’ll be around a lot more.”

  I blinked a half dozen times as I processed her words. Holy shit. Was she dating Garrett’s uncle, or was I jumping to conclusions? It wasn’t that big of a jump considering I didn’t think we knew another Alan. Still, I needed to ask for clarification.

  “Alan, Alan?” I asked.

  Goldie fidgeted in her seat and smiled softly as she nodded. “Yes.”

  “How long has this been going on?” I blurted.

  “Remember the weekend I flew to LA so that we could all talk to you about…”

  She trailed off, not finishing the sentence. Still, I knew what she meant. She was talking about the intervention they’d had to do to get me to stop staring at my daughter’s urn for hours a day.

  “I remember,” I assured her softly.

  “Alan took me to dinner that weekend. One thing led to another, he kissed me, and we’ve been dating ever since. Obviously, a lot of that has been long-distance but… Anyway, I’ve wanted to tell you long before now, but the timing never seemed right. The other reason I’ve worried about telling was fear that you’d find the two of us together strange.”

  I could tell by the tone of her voice and the look on her face that she was worried I would be angry or upset. Although I was stunn
ed, there was nothing like that in me at all. Alan was one of my very favorite people in the world, and one of the few I knew without question was good enough for my grandmother. She deserved the best, and Alan fit that bill. I refused to focus on how their relationship would further intertwine my life with Garrett’s. Making that an issue wouldn’t be fair to Goldie or Alan.

  “Because of… um, because of Garrett?” I stuttered.

  “Honestly, I’ve been less worried about that than the fear that you’d find the whole thing weird considering he once dated your mother.”

  I grimaced and wrinkled my nose like something foul smelling had just opened up next to me. “To me, Alan is separate from her. I never think of him as Jewel’s ex and neither should you. He’s a great man who had the misfortune of being conned by someone we both know is a master manipulator. We’re all lucky to have come out the other side. I hope no one ever disturbs whatever rock she crawled under.”

  Something flitted across Goldie’s face, some kind of discomfort about something. I had no idea what it was about, but I hoped my calling a spade a spade hadn’t upset her. Eager to move on, I hastened to assure my grandmother that everything was good.

  “Never mind about Jewel. My point is that she’s not even a consideration. I’m happy for you,” I assured her. “But I can’t believe you two have been dating, and I never noticed.”

  Even as the words were coming out of my mouth, I realized how preposterous they were. Goldie gave me a look that spoke volumes, and I ducked my head. Shame hit me, weighing me down like a trash truck had offloaded a week’s worth of hot garbage on top of me. For the last year, I’d essentially been in an emotional coma. Despite all indications that I was alive, there’d been no real connection to anything. I’d been so oblivious to life that Queen Elizabeth could’ve moved next door, and I wouldn’t have blinked. I hated that I’d been so out of it.

  “I’m sorry I’ve been so absent,” I said, hoping she could tell that I meant it.

  “Hey,” she said as she reached across the table and set her hand over mine. “Don’t apologize. I understand how hard this last year has been on you, sweet girl.”

  I nodded and picked up my coffee cup so I could hide behind it. I couldn’t talk about the last year or how it had changed me. The previous three hundred and seventy-two days had been so painful that I knew I’d never be able to put it into words. I’d let my guard down while I’d lived the fairytale with Garrett, which made the spiral down that much harder.

  Setting my coffee mug back on the table, I did my best to smile in a way that told her I was sincere. “I’m here now,” I said, “so fill me in with all the details.”

  Chapter Five

  Shaelyn— July 2001

  My stomach fluttered when I logged into AOL and saw an email from Garrett. It wasn’t as if his emails were a rare occurrence— in fact, they came frequently. He seemed to be trying to stick to an every other day writing schedule. I hated that I felt bereft on the days when there was nothing. Sometimes they were chatty, other times they were short. They all ended on the same note—he loved and missed me.

  In spite of the fact that I was the one who had insisted on the divorce, being away from him was painful to me in every way you can imagine. We’d lived separately in Los Angeles after I’d left, but I’d always known he was close enough that I could get to him within half an hour to forty-five minutes, tops. I only realized how much I’d come to rely on that short distance once I was five hours away, living in a different state.

  I should’ve known it would be an issue. Back when I’d told him I wanted a divorce, I’d done so while he was in New York. I’d thought distance would make it easier, but it hadn’t. In fact, it had been harder. I’d told myself it was practical to stay in LA until the divorce was final. Now, I saw that for the lie it was. I’d stayed because being too far away from him was practically unbearable. I had to learn to live with it, though.

  I knew I needed to stop opening his emails and reading his text messages. On the day we’d signed our divorce papers I’d told him we were severing ties. Although I’d meant it, I continued communicating with him after I left Los Angeles— even though I knew I needed to stop. Every time I saw a new text or an email, I promised myself I wouldn’t open it. And every single time, I caved. Promising myself I’d ignore the next one—liar, my heart whispered—I opened his latest email.

  I’m loving and missing you every single minute of every single day. How’s Vegas?

  Sighing, I hit reply and typed my response.

  Vegas is… strange, but not awful. In a surprise to no one, it’s hot and growing more so by the day.

  I hit send and closed my computer, only to open it again less than a minute later. After logging back into AOL, I pulled our email thread back up and hit reply again.

  I love and miss you too.

  I mentally berated myself as I typed, but that didn’t keep me from sending it. Once it was done, I closed my laptop with more force than was necessary. It was the same every time. In every single email exchange we had, my first response would be friendly but impersonal. And then I’d cave and write again.

  My head knew I needed to get tough and stop giving him anything personal, but my heart was his and it wouldn’t be denied the opportunities to let him know he was loved. I’d been strong enough to let him go, but I didn’t have it in me to lie to him. I also couldn’t pretend that I didn’t love him. Frankly, I wasn’t that good an actress, which made it a moot point anyway.

  Since I couldn’t lie to him, I needed to get to the point where I could ignore his emails and texts. Not for me—for him. I had to let Garrett move on. He deserved more than I could ever give him.

  I let out a frustrated sigh as I set my laptop aside before I flopped back on my bed pillows. My childhood desk sat directly opposite the bed, up against a corkboard wall full of pieces of paper with lyrics to my favorite songs written in different colors. Before I’d moved back in, Goldie had offered to redo the room, but I’d declined. It came up again a few days ago and once again, I said no. Changing or updating the room would make things feel more permanent, and I wasn’t ready for that.

  Since the day I’d packed up and left the home I shared with Garrett, the places I laid my head down at night were temporary. I was in no way ready to attach permanence to anything—not even to the home I’d grown up in. I tried not to spend too much time thinking about why that was.

  Relegating those thoughts to the back of my mind, I stared at the lyric wall. After losing Melody, I’d gone silent and the world around me had followed because it was too much for me. That meant it had been more than a year since I’d purposely listened to anything and suddenly, I was overwhelmed by the need to put my headphones on and lose myself in music. I let out a dry sounding laugh when I realized all my CDs were packed away in storage. Rising from the bed, I looked in the mirror to make sure I was public presentable.

  I was wearing what I thought of as my Vegas uniform—a tank top and a pair of shorts—and for the first time it finally dawned on me that I looked like shit. My hair was dull and lifeless, my nails and toes were bare of polish, and my skin was so pale it looked like I hadn’t seen the sun in a decade. I grimaced at my reflection as I realized how bad I must have appeared to Garrett and all of the attorneys in the room when I’d signed our divorce papers the week before. No wonder people seemed hesitant around me—my appearance was downright off-putting.

  Shaking my head, I turned from the mirror and walked to the closet to slide my feet into my favorite flip-flops. After picking up my purse, cell phone, and car keys, I headed out. I didn’t know what I could accomplish in one day but I could do something, and I knew just where to start.

  * * *

  Tia yawned as she opened the door to let me in. Her hair was a mess, her eyes were barely open, and her only clothing was a shirt from the movie rental place she’d worked at during high school that said be kind, rewind. “Why are you up so early?” she asked.

 
My brows shot up in surprise. “I’m sorry, did you just say it was early?”

  She frowned as she closed the door behind me. “Yeah, because it is. You woke me up from a dead sleep with all that banging.”

  “It’s almost noon, T.”

  She shrugged before turning on her heel and heading toward the kitchen. “So not as early as I thought but not late, either.”

  I snickered as I followed behind her. “I guess it’s safe to assume you were out late last night.”

  She groaned as she stopped in front of the coffee maker and opened the giant can of Folgers sitting next to it. “I met some friends from school at the Hard Rock for drinks and didn’t make it home until the sun was coming up.”

  Taking a seat at the counter, I frowned as I watched her scoop coffee into the machine. “You didn’t drive, did you?”

  “Of course not,” she assured me as she grabbed the coffee pot and walked to the sink. After turning on the water and placing the pot under the stream, she looked back at me.

  “Just making sure,” I said. “Anyway, you’ll have to dial the party stuff back once school starts again, so I guess getting it out of your system makes sense.”

  When she paused mid-step on her way to the counter where the coffee maker was, my antenna went up.

  “Why the pause?” I asked.

  She stayed silent as she hurried to the coffee maker. “I’m not going back to school this semester. I know it’s my last year and blah, blah, blah, but whatever it is I’m going to do won’t have anything to do with the classes I’ve been taking for the last three years. My dad pushed and pushed for me to go to UNLV to get a business degree because, in his words, that particular degree could translate to anything. The thing is, it’s literally killing me. I’m so bored I could cry, and the idea of working in an office makes me feel pukey. I’ve decided to take at least one semester off to regroup and get my head straight.”