On the Way Back

by Fox, Ella

  Twisting my fingers together nervously, I frowned. “Then why are you mad?”

  “Jesus, where do I start?” he asked.

  The frustration in his tone caused my brows to go up in alarm.

  “I guess at the beginning?” I said hesitantly.

  His jaw ticked as he stared into my eyes like he was searching for something. “Here’s the thing, Shaelyn. I’m mad, but more than that, I’m hurt. You’ve fucking lied to me in pretty much every conversation we’ve had for the last seven months.”

  The gears in my head started spinning as I tried to figure out just how much he’d managed to figure out.

  “I don’t know what you think you—”

  “Stop it,” he ordered, his voice harsh. The hair on the back of my neck stood up straight when I looked into his eyes, the raw agony I saw reflected there so in my face that I could hardly breathe.

  “No more lies, evasions, or half-truths,” he bit out. “You threw a bomb into both of our lives and continually lied to me about why. It was a bullshit reason and I always knew there had to be another layer to it—I just didn’t realize it would be this fucked up. How many goddamn times did I beg you to talk to me about how you thought Melody’s passing was your fault? And every time you lied and swore you didn’t really believe that even though I was there and I heard you apologizing to her.”

  “I don’t think—”

  “No,” he said angrily, cutting off any attempt to defend myself. “It’s clear you don’t. Pulling the plug on our marriage was a shitty thing to do. Period. I get that you were devastated by the loss of our daughter, I really fucking do. Do you imagine that I wasn’t? Because if that’s the case, you couldn’t be more wrong.”

  I’d never doubted that even for one moment. He’d loved that little girl with everything he had and losing her had shattered him. “I know that,” I whispered. “Believe me, I know that. I know that losing her hurt you, Garrett.”

  The sheen of tears in his eyes as he nodded made my heart ache. ‘I’m glad to hear it, because there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of her dozens of times,” he said sadly. “I remember the little bow of her top lip, the swell of her soft cheeks, and the downy-soft texture of her hair. But you know what I don’t remember, Shaelyn?”

  I had to swallow past the lump in my throat before I could answer. “No.”

  His eyes narrowed. “I don’t remember thinking that my beautiful, angelic daughter would want me to get a drum of gasoline, light a match, and torch everything I loved about my life in a completely twisted attempt to honor her.”

  The pain in his voice destroyed me a little more with every word he spoke. He’d never been so frustrated, angry, or direct with me before, and it hurt like hell. The worst of it was the immediate understanding that he was making a valid point.

  “I—”

  He held up a hand to stop me. “I’m not finished. I know this hurts you, but I see now that trying to spare you any additional pain after Melody died was wrong. I should’ve gotten in your face about a lot of this long before now. That I didn’t is on me, and it’s something I see now was a terrible choice. Now, you’re going to listen to every fucking word because you need to hear them.”

  I dashed away the tears that had gathered in my eyes with the back of my hands and nodded.

  “Okay.”

  “I thought things were as bad as they could be when you filed for divorce, but then you actually went ahead and signed the fucking papers. I told myself there was nowhere but up from there. Fuck if I wasn’t wrong, though. I don’t think I can ever really explain what it felt like to hear that you left me because you twisted shit so far up in your mind that you thought I’d run right out, get married again, and have a family,” he paused, his chest heaving with emotion as he glared at me. His eyes were like ice when he continued, “with another woman.”

  As ever, the idea of him with someone else made me ill. “I thought—”

  “What you thought was fucked up,” he snapped, his eyes steely. “I take my goddamn vows seriously, Shaelyn. At no point, ever, have I thought about moving on, or whatever bullshit you’ve got in that head of yours. I can’t even describe to you how angry it makes me that you decided you had to play God with our lives. How the fuck could you think for even a minute that I’d marry someone else?”

  “I owed you… I… I wanted you to have…” I trailed off, unable to continue speaking. For starters, I’d never expected to have to explain what led to that decision to him. But mostly the raw pain and utter disbelief in his expression was too much for me to continue.

  “The fucking option?” he spat. “That’s what you think our marriage is? An option?”

  His voice was low and angry, and I knew I’d fucked up.

  “I didn’t mean it like that,” I hastily assured him.

  “I fucking hope not,” he growled. “Do you truly think that I love you so little that swapping you out for a new model would really be an option for me?” he asked angrily. “I gave you my whole heart, Shaelyn—not just a portion of it. It’s been yours this whole time because it’s constant. The day we got married, the month after that, four months after that, the day Melody died, the days when you couldn’t get off the couch, the hours I spent on a plane back from New York after you told me you were leaving, the moment I stood in the parking garage of my attorney’s office and watched you drive away, right up to the minutes I spent on the phone with Alan earlier today, my heart was yours. And right now, in this very moment, my heart continues to be yours. It’ll be yours in five years, and it will still be yours thirty years after that. This love is not temporary. It will not decrease in scope or go away. Not after we suffered a loss so heavy it dragged us to hell, not after you filed for divorce, and not even now, when I’m so mad at you I want to shake some sense into you. Damn you for fooling yourself into believing I’d move on, ever.”

  It felt like I’d been hit in the heart with a ten-pound hammer. Tears slid unchecked down my cheeks. “Garrett,” I whispered, “no. It wasn’t like that, I swear. I just feel like… how can you be happy with me when I can’t give you the things another woman can?”

  He pinned me with a look. “Will another woman have your heart, your soul, and all of the things that make you who you are?”

  I shook my head but didn’t speak because I was rendered temporarily speechless by his question. It so closely mirrored how I viewed my love for him. When I’d left, I’d done so knowing I’d be alone for the rest of my life because no one else could ever come close to meaning what he did to me. I hadn’t ended my marriage to Garrett because I’d fallen out of love with him. In my mind, I’d walked away because I loved him enough to want him to have better.

  “That’s right, no one else is you. You’re who I want, now and forever, no matter what. There’s nothing someone else could ever give me that I would want more than I want you.”

  I chewed at the inside of my cheek and looked away. “Not even children?” I asked quietly.

  He let out a long sigh. “Is that what this is, then? You don’t want children?”

  My eyes closed as I recalled hearing the sound of Melody’s heartbeat at my first ultrasound. The love I’d felt in that moment had been so big, I’d been staggered by it. I’d loved everything a little bit more that day. The whoosh, whoosh, whoosh of that little heart beating inside of me released a wave of love so pure inside of me it even washed away some of the anger I held for Jewel. How could it not? I was blessed with something magical and no matter where she went or what she did in her life, she’d never experience that pure kind of life-changing love. Not because she couldn’t have more children, but because she genuinely didn’t have the ability to love anyone that much—including herself.

  After that first ultrasound everything had changed, and in the best way. It was nearly an indescribable high, the feeling of growing that tiny life inside of me. I’d enjoyed every moment of my pregnancy; picking out the furniture for Melody’s nursery with
Garrett, going to the monthly checkups and hearing that sweet heartbeat again, the excitement of holding the ultrasound photos in my hand, the joy of finding out we were having a girl, even the final six weeks where I felt like I was one meal away from being declared a new solar system when my stomach stuck out so far that I couldn’t see my feet anymore. Through it all, I’d kept my eye on the miracle that would soon change my entire life—the arrival of our daughter. Only it didn’t happen like that.

  When the sound that changed my world for the better went silent, everything inside of me went black. I heard the doctor saying those two horrible, life-changing words in my nightmares. No heartbeat. They’d meant Melody, but they might as well have been talking about me, too.

  I’d been pretty damn drugged up for the delivery, but it hadn’t done shit for the emotional pain. Having to push, all the while knowing that she was gone, was something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. It didn’t get any better after that. Every time I fell asleep, I’d wake up and remember all over again that our daughter was dead. My breasts were full of milk, the pain of not being able to express it to my child so extreme I’d felt like I was losing my mind. I had all of the after-pregnancy issues most women have—I just didn’t have the baby. The idea of going through that experience again triggered my anxiety and left a pit of dread in my stomach.

  My eyes were still closed when I nodded. “I can’t do it again,” I told him. “Not ever. I had that one chance, and I failed. I won’t do that to another child.”

  “You didn’t do anything to her,” he said, his voice thick with emotion.

  I kept my eyes closed, unable to look at him. “Something killed her, and since science can’t tell us why—”

  He let out a frustrated sound. “That’s bullshit, Shae. She wasn’t killed—she died. There’s a fucking difference and it’s time for you to acknowledge that. Science can’t give us an exact answer about why it happened, but we were quoted statistics over and over again about children dying in utero. Are you telling me all of those other women who don’t get definitive reasons from an autopsy for the loss failed their children, too?”

  My eyes flew open as I shook my head. “Of course I’m not saying that!”

  “When you insist on taking blame for something that wasn’t your fault—you didn’t drink, you didn’t smoke, you didn’t do drugs, you didn’t drink caffeine, you had amazing prenatal care, you followed all of the doctors’ suggestions and you read What to Expect When You’re Expecting cover to cover twice—that’s exactly what you’re saying,” he argued.

  I winced. “No, it’s not. I would never…”

  “Blame someone for a tragedy that happened through no fault of their own?” he finished. “No, you wouldn’t, because no mother who loses their child in the way we did is at fault. When I say no mother, I mean you too.”

  I knew he only thought that because he didn’t know that I’d been panic-stricken when I found out I was pregnant, and he didn’t realize I’d briefly contemplated termination. I’d kept that from him because the shame of even thinking about those thoughts nearly crippled me, but I knew if I didn’t tell him, he’d never accept that the fault was mine.

  Needing him to really hear me, I met his gaze. “I cried when I realized it was possible that I was pregnant,” I blurted. “When the doctor confirmed it, I lost it. I thought about having an abortion, Garrett. I panicked because I knew that I had no business being a mother. Don’t you see? I doomed her from the start.”

  His shoulders dropped, and he bowed his head as he let out a long breath. The silence was physically painful because in that moment, I knew I’d destroyed the love he had for me.

  Chapter Ten

  Shaelyn — August 2001

  “You see now,” I whispered. “I didn’t want to tell you, but if I didn’t you were never going to understand. God knew I wasn’t good enough for her and now you have to hate me for even thinking of—”

  He lifted his head at the same time he covered my mouth with his hand. “Stop. Just fucking stop,” he said, dropping his hand and shaking his head as he stared at me with apparent frustration. “Goddammit, Shaelyn. If that’s what this has all been about you should’ve told me that from the get-go. I don’t fucking hate you for struggling to come to terms with being pregnant. If anything, right now I hate myself for not saying something to you at the time.”

  I cocked my head. “What do you mean?”

  He was quiet for several seconds before he answered. “Baby… I knew you were pregnant before you told me.”

  My eyes went wide, and my breath caught. “What?”

  He frowned as he reached out and took my hand in his. “At first I only suspected, the same as you did, I would think. Your period was late, and you were jumpy as fuck. You threw out some shit about having a reaction to Prozac, but I could tell by how you were acting that it was more than that. I knew I was correct when I came home from set one day and found you trying way too fucking hard to act like everything was hunky-dory, even though your eyes were puffy from crying. I said nothing because I knew you needed time to come to terms with it before you made it real and told me.”

  I was flabbergasted by his revelation. “Were you going to say anything if I decided to… end the pregnancy?”

  He narrowed his eyes. “It’s fucked up that you’ve convinced yourself that termination was ever a real option in your mind. I always knew you’d choose to keep our baby, Shae. It was literally never a fucking question in my mind. Waiting for you to realize that you were happy about being pregnant nearly drove me insane, but I never doubted, not even for half a second, that your head would catch up with your heart. I knew when you went to the doctor and had it confirmed because you were so off after that. Waiting those three days until you finally told me you were pregnant was hard as fuck. The joy of the confirmation was so extreme I could barely keep my shit together. If you’d been paying closer attention you probably could have seen the weight lifting from my shoulders when you finally told me.”

  The truth was he could’ve been parading around the house naked during that time, and I wouldn’t have blinked. I’d been so self-involved at the time that I hadn’t been able to focus on anything. What I remembered with perfect accuracy about telling him was the expression of joy on his face at the moment he dropped to his knees in front of me and kissed my stomach. That memory was one I held in my heart, a treasure that I’d take with me through the entirety of my life.

  The skin on the back of my hand tingled where he caressed it with his thumb as he waited for me to say something, but I needed a minute. I couldn’t wrap my mind around the idea that he’d known I was pregnant and hadn’t said anything. “What if you’d be wrong?” I pressed. “Would you have stopped me if I’d tried to have a termination?”

  He shook his head in a way that told me he was frustrated. “Goddamn, you’re stubborn. You’re determined to crucify yourself for crimes you never committed, but I’m done with it. I need to rip the fucking blinders off so you can see reality. It’s time to get real, baby. Close your eyes,” he instructed.

  “Why—”

  “Don’t ask questions. Just do it.”

  Confused, I closed my eyes with a huff.

  “Go back to the day you realized you were pregnant.”

  I’d waited two weeks to fully accept that I needed to take a test. Then I’d had to wait two more days for Goldie to overnight a few to me because I’d been terrified of some paparazzi asshole snapping off pictures of me in the drugstore. The memory of four positive pregnancy tests lined up on the counter was as vivid as ever. I remembered panicking in the face of all that confirmation.

  “You remember?” he asked.

  I nodded, glad my eyes were closed since it kept him from seeing how ashamed of myself I was.

  “What did you do once you knew?”

  “I… well, I cried. A lot.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I was…” trailing off, I swallowed past the lump of emoti
on in my throat as the memory played out in my head.

  “Were you crying because you were angry? Because being pregnant was inconvenient? Because you felt trapped?” he pressed.

  I frowned. “No. I cried because I was scared.”

  “And later when you went to the doctor and she confirmed that the tests were right, how did you feel?”

  “Even more scared.”

  “Scared of what, Shae? Be specific.”

  God, those feelings had been so awful. I hated digging them up again, but I knew I owed him the whole truth.

  “Scared that I’d fuck up and disappoint you and our baby. I was terrified I’d be the kind of mother Jewel was to me. My whole life she went on and on about not having a baby too young. When I found out I was pregnant with Melody, all I could think about was that I had no clue how to be a mom and the idea of failing a child in that way terrified me.”

  “Were you afraid of what would change in your life? Was there anything you feared you’d lose out on because you were pregnant?”

  I shook my head, annoyed that he wasn’t getting it. “It wasn’t like that at all. I was only worried about the ways I might fail my—our—baby.”

  “Open your eyes,” he ordered.

  I opened them slowly, afraid of what I’d see in his eyes. When I saw compassion, tears filled my eyes.

  Reaching up, he traced his finger down my cheek. “Don’t you see, Shae? When you cried about being pregnant, you were crying for the baby—not for yourself. From the very first moment, your concern was about that little life inside of you. All you ever cared about was her, which isn’t something a shitty mother would do. Just look at Jewel. If she cried when she found out she was pregnant with you, I guarantee it was one hundred percent centered on her. I hate that you compare yourself to her in any way because other than sharing some DNA, you have not one fucking thing in common with that bitch.”

  “Once you wrapped your mind around the fact that you were going to throw yourself into being the best mother humanly possible—exactly the way I knew you would—you were all in. One of the best moments of my life came when I saw you let go of the fear and accept that you were already in love with the baby growing inside of you. And the thing is that you knew it at the time. You were so happy once you let go of the fear—but then Melody died, and you shut down. I didn’t realize until today that a big part of the punishment you meted out on yourself meant you completely discounted the love you’d felt from the beginning.”