Embracing Life

by Nicky Jayne

  “Katie, you’re not here. What if something happened? How could you leave her? Damn it Katie! You’re so bloody selfish”

  “Fuck you, Josh!” is all I hear before the line goes dead.

  THE end of the year is fast approaching. To say that I am grateful is an understatement. Things have been very awkward since I confronted Katie. Melanie hasn’t spoken with me. My friendship with Mike has been strained. He was mad as hell when he found out I yelled at his girl. I apologized, of course, and explained the situation. He understood and went in to the whole “If it was Katie…” speech, but he follows Katie’s lead. He always has, and he always will.

  Melanie hasn’t so much as looked in my direction, but I can’t help but watch out for her. She doesn’t see me. I don’t make my surveillance noticeable. I haven’t said a word to her. Over the past few months, she has lightened up a lot. I’m never too far away. The feeling, the desire, the need to protect her has never faded, so I find myself, in one way or another, being around her.

  She and Katie and have become best friends, and she’s come to consider Mike her honorary big brother, a role he takes very seriously. After our strange first encounter, I talked to Mike, and he explained what he knew of Melanie, which wasn’t a whole hell of a lot. Melanie kept things really close, and very few people knew about her; however, as the months went by, Melanie started to let Katie in. Katie, of course, told Mike, so he was able to give me updates here and there. Nothing more, nothing less. He wanted to respect Melanie’s privacy, which I totally understood regardless of my growing need to know more. I took all I could get and made do.

  Her father is a naval commander, and she moved here from Kentucky to be with him before she graduated high school. Apparently, she didn’t have great relationship with her mother and thought this would be something to try. She isn’t overly keen on living here, but it is what it is. She works at a local frozen yogurt store by the naval base, and she just saved up to buy her first car. To be honest, I had to laugh when I saw what she bought. It looked worse than the truck did when I got it from the scrap yard, and that’s saying something. The putrid yellow beetle has more rust on it than an Atlantic oil tanker. I am pretty sure if she takes it over a speed bump too fast the bottom will fall out. But she loves it, and to me, that’s all that matters. No one in their right mind would ride in it though, and I don’t think Melanie cares. She’s proud of her bug, and I admire that about her.

  I’m not a creepy stalker or anything. I just feel a real connection to her, and I thought learning more about her would make it easier for us to talk to each other. Mike is getting more and more hesitant about keeping me in the loop. He understands why I ask, and I think he appreciates me looking out for Melanie in any way I can. I often wonder if there’s more to Melanie’s story than Katie is willing to share.

  Sitting in the lunch room, I am surprised when Katie, with an intense look on her face, comes and sits at the same table. She has given me a wide berth for weeks. Mentally preparing myself for another ear chewing, I look at her and smile, trying to soften the blow. She always says the only thing she likes about me is my smile. So, what the hell I am going to use it to my advantage? One beaming smile coming right up.

  “Josh.” She nods when she says my name.

  “Katie.”

  “Ok, so Mike is pestering me to come and talk to you.” Well, that’s news to me. “He says I am being too hard on you. I disagree, but I want to give you the benefit of the doubt, so I am going to ask you one question.”

  Oh great! I know where this is going. She is going to harass me to find out how much information her loving boyfriend has passed on. I’m game. I can play dumb.

  “Ok, Katie,” I deadpan, a little sharper than necessary.

  “Do you like Melanie?” Her tone is flat but inquiring.

  Is she serious? She has kept me away from Melanie for nearly nine months, and now she wants to know if I like her. Didn’t I make is obvious enough for her? That’s the whole reason I have been exiled.

  “Really, Katie? Come on. Are you serious?”

  “Yes, I’m serious, Josh. Answer the question.”

  I look at her, pleading. She should already know the answer to this question. Why is she asking me now? What has changed? I want to make her sweat a little for the answer, but I can see she is not playing a game. A few minutes pass, and I still haven’t given her the answer. I am trying to work out her motive. I am trying to reel my frustration.

  “Well?” She has no patience for me.

  Although hesitant, as I still don’t understand her reasoning, I resolve to answer her.

  “Yes, Katie. I thought I had made that clear already. So why do you ask now?”

  “Oh no, Buddy. I am asking the questions here. The deal is I ask, you answer. Got it? If I don’t like an answer, I get up and leave, and you can stay in your own little world of self-pity.”

  Holy hell. Where did that come from? I refrain from arguing with her. Katie is up to something, and apparently, it is going in my favor. I will answer all her damn questions. All of them, if it gets me close to Melanie.

  “What do you want from her?”

  That questions catches me off guard. I have the strange feeling I am being watched, so I look up. No one is paying any attention to anything that is going on over here. As I scan the room, I come to the realization that Melanie is not here. She is not sitting with Mike, who is grinning like a Cheshire cat right now. She is not in the lunch line. She’s not even at the vending machines.

  “Where’s Mel, Katie?” I inquire

  “In the library,” she says, completely oblivious to our apparent deal.

  “Answer me, Josh. She is like a sister to me, and I don’t want her to be another notch in your bed post.”

  “What the fuck Katie?! Really?” Low blow, Katie, low blow.

  “You know what I mean Josh. She is not a Jessica. She is shy. She needs to be treated right.” She takes a deep breath and grabs my hand.

  “I love you Josh. You know that. I know you would never intentionally hurt her. She likes you, but I don’t want to see her get hurt.”

  She likes me. She fucking likes me. I am so taken by those last few words from Katie that, the next thing I know, I am out of my seat and headed straight for the library. I have to see her. I have pretty much been given the green light by Katie. I am going to take it and never look back. But, first, I have to find my girl.

  I smash through the library doors. I get the usual, “SHHH” from the librarian. I nod and go in search. I don’t see her. I am getting frantic now. Katie said she was here, so I must have missed her. I bolt out of the building and straight back towards the cafeteria, when I see her. She is talking to an older women and a rough looking guy. I don’t recognize any of them as staff. Instantly, my hackles go up. Something is wrong. The way that guy is holding her arm is all wrong. Why is he touching her? Mel’s head is down. Her shoulders shake. She is crying. Damn it.

  “Mel!” I yell.

  The older guy looks up and snarls at me. With that, he yanks her arm, trying to pull her from where she stands. The older women is bent, talking into her ear. That’s when I hear an almighty sob come from Melanie. Every molecule in my body goes into overdrive. I run as fast as I can to her, yelling her name.

  “MEL! MEL! MELANIE!”

  “Stay out of this, you little punk,” the man says. As I get closer, I can see his face is drawn and pale. He has an evil look about his eyes. He must have about five days’ worth of growth on his lower jaw. The hand that he has tightened around Melanie’s elbow is tattooed but covered in hair. His shirt is wrinkled. His Jeans are torn and dirty. The women doesn’t look any better. Her hair is mangled up at the top of her head, and she is wearing a pair of shorts that do not fit.

  I stop only a couple of feet from Mel as the guy drops his hand. He starts to walk toward me. He has about a foot on me and probably a hundred pounds.

  “I said back off,” he growls.

  �
�No!” I snap. “Get away from her!”

  My stomach curls from the stench coming from the guy in front of me. I hear commotion over my shoulder.

  “Sir, Ma’am, you will have to leave. You are not allowed on school property.”

  “She’s my daughter,” the older women crocks.

  “If that’s correct ma’am, we will discuss this in my office.”

  My eyes are locked with the man who held my girl captive. He has not moved from his spot. I don’t even realize that the principal has come up behind me. I heard the words, but the voice did not register. The commotion has drawn a crowd behind me. I can see them piling through the doors to get a glimpse of the unfolding drama.

  He scoffs in my face before he is led away towards the main building. I am so wound up that I don’t even notice Katie and Mike. They are huddled on the floor, looking down at the crumpled body on the ground.

  Mel.

  I run the few feet that are between me and her. As I bend to reach her, Katie grabs my arm.

  “Josh, we are taking her to the nurse. She passed out.”

  “I will carry her, Mike.”

  “I have her, Josh. Don’t worry. She will be fine. I will come get you when she is up and about ok?”

  “No! Mike, it’s not OK!” I yell at him.

  “Josh, please let Mike take her. She needs a familiar face when she wakes up. We will come get you. I promise,” Katie pleads.

  I take a step back, traumatized by what I just witnessed. That was her fucking mother? How could she let him hold her that way? Why would she allow him to hurt her? The questions go around and around in my head. I am so wrapped up in my thoughts that I don’t see them emerge from the nurse’s office. Melanie’s head is down. Katie has her arm wrapped around her shoulder.

  I approach, but I am stopped dead in my tracks by Mike.

  “Is she ok?” I ask

  He turns to follow my eyes as they land on the weak form walking down the hallway.

  “No, Josh” he sighs. “I am taking her to Katie’s. She doesn’t want to go home right now.”

  Damn right she isn’t going home to that witch of a woman and that, oh god, I don’t even have a word for him.

  “Can I talk to her Mike?”

  He places a hand on my shoulder, and replies, “Not right now. Give her time, buddy. I’m sorry. ”

  I am speechless. No words come to me. As she passes, I notice her skin is white as snow, her body is shaking and weak. As they leave the building, I swear I hear my heart break.

  I lay on the golden beach, the wind whirling around me. It is a little overcast today, but there is no chill in the air, and she is with me. When she is near, I am warm. I am whole.

  “Josh!” When she speaks my name, I fall even more in love with her. It was meant to come from her. My name was made for her. I rest on my elbows, looking out to the edge of the water as her body comes into focus. I see her hair whip from side to side, the reflection of the water bouncing off it like laser beams. I blink, trying to refocus my eyes to get a better look, but she the blur that is her never completely comes into focus.

  “Josh!” I hear it again. I reach my hand out for her, but she doesn’t take it. Instead, she rests her legs on to sand below me. She is still out of focus, but her eyes. Her eyes glow like lightning bugs flying through the storm. Oh, how I love those eyes. I reach for her, but my hand doesn’t touch her smooth skin. I call for her, but she doesn’t answer.

  Within seconds, she is gone. I am cold, the breeze is biting at my legs. I must have dozed off again. Damn it! I awake on the beach, surf board laid beside me. Once more, I have not stepped foot in the water. I sit and think about her. Each time, I drift off into the same dream

  Have you ever had the overwhelming feeling that you belong? Have you ever had the feeling that you have found the one you belong with?

  I have. I see her in my dreams. I see her in her on every corner and in every store. Every face reminds me of her. I try to blink away her face, but she is there, etched in my inner thoughts. She captivates my soul. To her, I am just another boy. To her, I am nothing more than another person who breathes the same air. I wish I could make her see how I feel about her.

  Summer break has come and gone. I am one year closer to getting out of here.

  I have seen Mike, Katie, and Melanie a handful of times, but only in passing, Mike has become very alpha dog over the two girls. I have tried to talk with Melanie but to no avail. Mike is around her every as much as possible, and if he is not there, Katie is watching her like a hawk. I am still none the wiser of what happened before break began, but the first couple of times that I saw Mel after the incident, she seemed to have crawled back into her shell. She wouldn’t talk. She wouldn’t acknowledge people other than Mike and Katie. I called Katie about a week ago and asked if she thought it was a good time to ask Mel out, and I was greeted yet the same response I got from Mike no more than eight weeks ago.

  “Josh, leave her alone!”

  “Katie, did I do something wrong?” I inquire.

  For the life of me, I couldn’t think of one thing that I had done. I tried to protect her.

  “No, Josh, it’s not you! Why does everything have to be about you?” Katie snaps.

  “Hey, why am I the bad guy? I am worried about her. That’s all. You know how I feel, Katie, better than anyone.”

  “Yeah, I know, but honestly, it’s not a good time. I don’t think it will ever be a good time, so I would leave her alone. Don’t talk to her Josh. Mike will kill you if you do. You know that, right?”

  “Yeah, but I have to let her know how I feel. Please let me talk to her,” I plead.

  “Josh, leave it, please. She is in a bad place, so just leave it alone. I have told you too much already. Ok?! I don’t want to see her get hurt anymore. We love you, Josh, but just leave her alone?”

  Before I could ask anything else, I heard the static from the dropped line. Damn Katie! She hung up on me. So, it’s not me, not that it’s all that comforting. I silently wish it was me. Then, at least, I would have something to fix. I have to tell her, but I have to take it slow. I am sick of waiting. I have waited long enough. I know I have to wait for her, until the time is right. But my heart is stuck on her. She is all I want. Fighting this internal battle is getting tiring.

  Friendly banter back and forth, however, brings me hope. We have been placed together as science partners. Melanie is a little shocked by our recent partnership. For me, though, I see this as my time to break down her walls.

  Although a little apprehensive at first, Katie has warmed up to idea of Melanie and me spending time together. Mike, however, watches me like a hawk. He tried his hardest to split us apart but was knocked down a peg or two by our teacher. I don’t want to anger Mike, and I have been warned. I will take their warnings into consideration; I will show them that I can be the person she needs.

  As I approach the science lab, I feel her before I see her. Glancing through the small window encased within the door, I see her measuring some form of liquid into a beaker. The Bunsen is burning off to the right. Even with those god awful science goggles on her face, she is perfect. I stand there for only seconds before she looks towards the door. I smile at her when she sees me. A small apprehensive smile graces her face. Hey, I am not selfish. I will take whatever I can get at the moment. Just to be in her presence, privileged to watch how graceful her body is when she moves, is more than enough for me.

  Pushing myself into the room, I slowly walk over to her, her eyes never leaving mine, and my smile never fading. She blinks and lowers her head. She is shy. There is a connection; she feels it, but she is just too nervous or reluctant to admit it.

  So another hour of watching her begins.

  Each lesson is the same. Words are exchanged, smiles are reciprocated, and fun is had. I finally feel as if we are getting somewhere. My long wait has not been in vain. Sadly though, with the good, there is ultimately the bad.

  “Josh?” she que
stions with a smile.

  “Hmm?” I reply as I stare at the bubbling liquid that fills the beaker.

  “Will you answer me something?”

  My eyes instantly flick from the volcanic liquid that breaches the glass beaker that holds it. I turn the heat down and quickly check that the liquid has calmed.

  “Yeah, what is it Mel?” I ask.

  She glances back and smiles at Katie who gives her a small nod and a wide grin. Hmm… what is she up to?

  “Who’s Jessica?”

  Oh shit! Now that’s not what I had in mind. Crap!

  In elementary school, Jessica, Mike, Katie, and I were great friends. We went everywhere together. As we got older, Katie and Mike got more involved, and well, Jessica wanted to be that involved as well, if you catch my drift. Yeah, ok, she is a good looking girl. She was a dear friend, but I never really had those types of feelings for her. She was more like a sister to me than a girlfriend.

  I was able to keep her at bay for a few years. We played the happy couple, holding hands, kissing, hugging, and weekly dates. You know, the usual. But as we moved into high school, she wanted more, and I couldn’t give her more. I distanced myself from the group, started hanging with other guys, and of course, the girls followed. Mike knew what I was doing and deemed me a “player.” I was far from it, but the thought of going that far with her frankly scared me.

  Jessica was not blind to what I was trying to do, but instead of moving away from me, she made herself known with the group I associated with and quickly became one of the “in” crowd. Every day, she changed a little more. She became mean, spiteful, selfish, and the complete opposite of the girl I grew up with. My actions to push her away clearly made a monster out of her. Ashamed of myself, I confronted her about her ways.

  I learned, that day, that she had gotten what she had been begging me for, the one thing I would not take from her. As stupid as it sounds, especially with my actions of late towards her, I would not take from her the one thing that did not belong to me. Her virginity. It was not mine to take. I didn’t love her, and she didn’t love me. Although, she seemed pleased with her recent accomplishment, her face was tortured with what she had become.