Forgivin' Ain't Forgettin'

by Mata Elliott

  Cassidy lifted her eyes from the page and remembered the sermon.

  “As Christians, we have a new character and should not continue to engage in any activity that opposes the Word of God,” Reverend Audrey’s strong voice taught the congregation. A little later, he inserted, “We have been redeemed by Christ and are not to look back on our old life with guilty hearts. God’s grace has removed our guilt . . .”

  Cassidy halted her reflection as Lena limped across the parking lot. When Lena was close enough for Cassidy to speak without yelling, she offered, “Do you want to sit on the other side?” staring at Lena’s feet, glamorous with new high heels.

  Lena hobbled around to the driver’s side and climbed up. “Thanks,” she said, kicking off the footwear. “I only wore these shoes because they go so well with this dress, and because I wanted to look my best today with our engagement being announced.” She asked through a brilliant grin, “So are you excited?”

  “Of course, I’m happy for you and Hulk.”

  “I know that. I was referring to the news about Bishop Culpepper. I can’t believe he’s coming to our church.”

  Just prior to the benediction, Pastor Audrey said he had a huge surprise, then told the congregation that Bishop Colvin Culpepper and a portion of his choir would be worshipping with them next Sunday. While excited applause rained around her, Cassidy resisted fainting as a thread of hysteria tied itself to her heart.

  “Didn’t you used to be friends with Culpepper?”

  Cassidy kept her pitch even. “We were in several classes together at Tilden.”

  Lena’s eyes grew large. “Maybe you can introduce me to him.” Her voice jumped to a higher level of glee. “Wouldn’t it be outrageous if he could sing at my wedding? Oh, yeah, girl, you’ve got to get me up close and personal.”

  Cassidy sighed.

  “What’s your problem?” Lena asked.

  “I need to ask you something about Dunbar.”

  “Yeah?”

  Cassidy looked down at her wrist and touched her bracelet. “Have you ever noticed him looking at me?”

  “Looking at you?”

  “In a romantic sort of way.”

  “Girl, yeah, dozens of times.”

  Irritated with the world right now, Cassidy snapped, “Well, how come you never said anything?”

  Lena gave her an “I know you better, get yourself together” look before answering, “I guess because it was Dunbar, and he just doesn’t seem like the boyfriend type. He’s more like a . . . ”—she shrugged—“a pet. Why are you asking about him?”

  “Trevor said something to me about him.”

  “Are you two okay?” Lena’s voice resonated with worry. “I’ve noticed you guys don’t seem to be all smiles and grins around each other like you were when you first got married.”

  Cassidy focused on the ladybug scaling the windshield. Poor little thing would take a few steps, then slide down to where it started. In spite of the pastor’s teaching today and other times, Cassidy felt like that ladybug. Each time she worked up the nerve to tell Trevor why she was so afraid to get pregnant, she’d slip back into the isolated dimension of fear, shame, and guilt. “We’ve got some newlywed stuff to work through . . . like all couples.” Too embarrassed to tell Lena about the vaginismus, Cassidy left it at that.

  “You and Trevor have been going to the married couples’ fellowships. Are they helpful?”

  Cassidy nodded. “If nothing else, you learn that you’re not the only ones trudging through a valley.”

  “Well, Hulk and I will be praying for you guys.”

  “Thanks. How are you two doing?”

  Lena whipped on a smile. “It’s rough, girl. We’ve got six more months of celibacy, and I can’t even be on the phone with him without getting in the mood.”

  Cassidy smiled. “I made it. You’ll make it through, too.”

  “It was easier for you. You had never been there, so you didn’t know what you were missing.”

  Cassidy broke eye contact with Lena and watched the past.

  “Come on,” Minister urged, “we won’t go all the way.”

  Cassidy had already been wooed from the living room to the bedroom. Now Minister wanted her to lie with him on the bed. They had never gone so far.

  “Come on, baby, nothing’s going to happen.” He kissed her in between his pleas, and with every kiss, she was becoming more compliant.

  “Okay,” Cassidy finally panted, captivated by passion, yet still determined not to go all the way. She wanted to abide by the Bible and save herself for marriage. She had told Minister this many times before.

  Once they were on the bed, he said, “You know I’m going to make you my wife one day.”

  She tingled with joy. “You are?”

  “Yes. We’re going to be together forever.”

  With that promise written on her heart, Cassidy allowed Minister beyond the boundary of her clothing.

  “Will you marry me?” he groaned.

  “Yes,” she breathed, and suddenly, she didn’t care what the Bible said. She loved Minister, and he was going to be her husband.

  “Well, I have to go.” Lena opened the door. “Hulk and I are meeting his parents for brunch.”

  “I’ll walk you over. I need to find Trevor.”

  “Are you feeling okay? You look kind of worn-out around the eyes.”

  Cassidy put on her sunglasses. “I haven’t been getting enough sleep.”

  Lena formed a teasing grin as they walked ahead. “You and Trevor having those late-night parties, huh, girl?”

  Cassidy did not correct her friend. They sauntered into the post-service crowd, and she hugged Lena and Hulk good-bye, congratulating them one more time. She strolled up the walkway toward the church, saying hello to members she knew and a few she didn’t. Out of nowhere, someone stepped in front of her.

  “What up?” Yaneesha hurled the greeting.

  An internal warning beeped. “Hello, Yaneesha,” Cassidy said, her salutation far from cheerful yet close enough to civil not to be considered impolite.

  “Married life been good to you?”

  “It’s fine.” Cassidy looked at the front doors of the church, hoping Trevor was coming through them.

  “You lookin’ for your man?”

  Cassidy maintained a friendly facade. “Have you seen him?”

  “I just got through talkin’ to him. He’s in the bookstore ordering this morning’s message.”

  There was something mocking in Yaneesha’s smile. Cassidy excused herself and stepped around the woman in her path.

  “Trevor was at my place last night,” Yaneesha called out.

  Cassidy walked forward, meditating more on the scripture from today’s sermon, not giving Yaneesha’s mumbo jumbo a second thought.

  “I’m coming,” Cassidy shrieked. “Hold on. Just hold on.”

  Cassidy lifted her back from the mattress with a violent jerk. Drenched in sweat, she prayed into unsteady palms, “Oh, God, how much more of this can I take?”

  Trevor sat up next to her. His hand covered her shoulder. “Did you have the dream about the little drowning boy?”

  “Yes,” she gasped. Within the last month, she’d had the dream four or five times a week. This was the first time she’d had it twice in the same night. She threw aside the sheet and crawled from the bed. Her legs felt like they’d been strapped with sandbags, and her sluggish steps to the bathroom were a reflection of the discomfort.

  At the sink, Cassidy splashed her face with lukewarm water and reached for her towel. She held the thick cotton to her cheeks, then slowly pulled it away and faced the woman in the mirror with reservation. She looked bad. The fingers of broken sleep had painted dark and pronounced lines under her eyes.

  Cassidy wasn’t going to church today looking like this. She didn’t want to go to church today, anyway—not with Colvin there. Cassidy imagined that the disappointment on Colvin’s face would be as clear as it had been years ago.
>
  “Who are you babysitting for?” Colvin asked, stepping into the living room of the apartment he shared with Minister. Colvin wasn’t supposed to be back from his trip home to see his parents until the end of the week.

  Cassidy looked from Minister to Colvin and back to Minister, waiting for Minister to say something.

  “We’re not babysitting,” Minister slashed, peeking through the venetian blinds for the hundredth time.

  Colvin dropped his duffel bag, and his face tightened with seriousness. “Then what’s going on?”

  “It’s ours,” Minister admitted, shocking Cassidy. Minister had been so adamant about no one finding out about the pregnancy. When he graduated in the spring, his daddy was making him the assistant pastor at one of the largest churches in Pittsburgh, and Minister didn’t want a scandal that might jeopardize the position. Nor did Minister want to lose his financing. Minister’s father would continue to pay for his education and his apartment as long as he maintained a GPA of 3.0 or better, didn’t do anything illegal, and practiced abstinence.

  Colvin inched to the couch and eased down next to Cassidy. “Yours?” he asked, disbelief glued to the word.

  Cassidy nodded, and tears fell from her eyes. She rocked, but the baby continued to fuss.

  Colvin placed his hand on her back. “You just had her?”

  “It’s a boy,” Cassidy peeped.

  Colvin sat dumbfounded for a moment. “Are you all right?”

  Cassidy nodded that she was, realizing that Minister hadn’t once asked how she was. “The delivery was easy. I didn’t have much pain. It felt like I had to go to the bathroom”—she blushed—“and then he was here.”

  “Well, shouldn’t you go to the hospital or something?”

  “The hospital is exactly where we’re going.” Minister slapped his hands to his head like bookends and paced in front of them. “Why can’t you get it to be quiet?”

  Cassidy cringed every time Minister referred to the baby as “it.” She silently questioned what kind of pastor Minister would be if he was this wired under pressure.

  Using one finger, Colvin petted the baby’s hand. “He’s so cute. What’s his name?”

  Minister marched to the window again and looked through the blinds. “We’re not giving it a name because we’re not keeping it.”

  “What do you mean you’re not keeping him?” Colvin’s eyes zeroed in on Cassidy and examined her face for an answer.

  Minister snapped at Colvin, stating their intentions. “We’re taking it to the hospital and dropping it off as soon as the crowd outside clears.” One of Minister’s neighbors was in the middle of a late-night birthday party that had spilled onto the lawn.

  “You’re abandoning him?”

  “We’re not abandoning him. We’re giving him a chance at a better life.”

  “You can’t be serious, man. What could be better than this baby having his real parents?” Colvin asked her directly, “You don’t want to do this, do you, Cassidy?”

  “I don’t know.” She shivered with fear. “I don’t know what to do.”

  Minister stormed toward them. “Look, man, we don’t need your input. We’ve already made our decision.” He plopped on the sofa on the other side of Cassidy. “Listen, baby, we’ve already discussed this. Giving it away is the best thing. I can’t have a child in my life right now. I’m about to become a leader in the church. I’m on my way to grad school. I can’t handle a kid right now. And you don’t need one, either, if you’re going to finish college.”

  “I could go back home and finish at a school in Philly.”

  Colvin interjected, “Lots of women go to school and raise kids at the same time.”

  Minister struck Cassidy where it hurt. “Are you going to ask your aging aunt to give you and a baby a home after all the sacrifices she’s already made for you? And don’t forget how crushed she’ll be that you had a baby out of wedlock.”

  Colvin jumped up from the sofa. His eyes were ablaze. “Oh, man, don’t even go there!”

  Minister’s voice was equally angry. “This is not your business, Colvin. Stay out of it!”

  “Please, please don’t fight about it,” Cassidy begged. “You’re scaring the baby.” His cries were going through her, ripping her heart piece by piece.

  “Don’t do it, Cassidy.” Colvin fell to his knees in front of her. “Don’t give away your baby. You’re going to regret it.”

  Minister put his arm around her waist and leaned in close. He balanced his voice a notch above a whisper. “Do you love our baby?”

  She looked at Minister. His eyes were soft and his smile warm. This was the man she’d fallen in love with. “Of course, I love our baby.”

  “Then let’s do the right thing . . . the unselfish thing. Let’s give him a chance at a whole family—a mom and a dad. And I promise, we’ll get married as soon as I get my master’s and doctorate degrees. Then we’ll make lots of babies and raise them together.”

  Cassidy peered at Colvin. His gaze was sad and pleading. “I didn’t have a mom and dad,” she said. She tried to make him understand. “I want my baby to have two parents.”

  “It’s quiet outside. We should leave now,” Minister said gently. He extended his arms.

  Cassidy kissed the baby’s forehead and placed his frail, writhing, towel-covered body in the cradle Minister made with his hands. She followed Minister to the door. Before she walked out, she turned and looked at Colvin. He was still on his knees, but he had curled over and buried his face in his hands.

  chapter thirty-four

  Cassidy put the wooden spoon on the counter and answered the ring of the phone. “Hello,” she said into the handheld cordless.

  “Hello,” the female on the other end greeted her. “Is Cassidy Monroe in?”

  “This is Cassidy.”

  “Cassidy, my name is . . .” Cassidy listened as the woman introduced herself and shared the reason for her call. “Sister Whittle gave me the names of people who might be interested in working with us, and your name was on the list . . .”

  When the woman finished, Cassidy answered softly, “I haven’t made up my mind yet.”

  “That’s okay. We’d still like you to come to our next meeting. It’s on . . .”

  Cassidy reached for a pencil and jotted down the information on a napkin. The notepad on the kitchen desk was a more reliable place for recording information, but what did it matter? Cassidy didn’t believe she’d be going to the next Sparrow Ministry meeting.

  The woman chirped on like a sparrow, “We like for the members of our team to be properly trained so they can be effective servants. So many of the young women who come to us for help are in such an emotionally fragile state, harboring feelings of guilt and embarrassment as if pregnancy outside of marriage is a permanent barrier between them and God’s grace. But we know that’s not true, amen?”

  Cassidy breathed deeply, unable to speak as she studied the scripture on the small chalkboard she’d hung on the wall. Writing the scriptures where she could read them often was a method of self-encouragement as well as a way to help Brittney and Brandi learn new verses.

  “Amen?” the sister questioned again.

  “Amen,” Cassidy said with less force than what the woman was certainly expecting.

  “Well,” she said in the friendly voice she’d been using since the start of the conversation, “I hope to see you at the next meeting.”

  After closing the call, Cassidy restudied the verse on the wall. The Lord is gracious, and full of compassion; slow to anger, and of great mercy. She closed her eyes and said it several times, making the words a part of herself, although a part of herself still refused to accept that God was not infuriated with her for having premarital sex and then leaving her baby.

  She returned to the stove and began stirring the contents of a large stainless-steel pot, making a dedicated effort to appear totally absorbed with the dinner preparations as Trevor walked through the deck-side entrance into the kit
chen.

  “Hi, Daddy,” the girls chimed.

  He strolled across the room to the table where the sisters were seated. Cassidy glanced at him when she was sure he wasn’t looking at her. “Hi, angels,” he said, and stamped a kiss to two cheeks.

  “Hi, Coach,” the third smile said.

  Trevor gave the same big, affectionate grin he’d given the girls and pounded hands with Herbie. “What’s going on, little man?”

  “We’re creating.” Brandi’s zeal was as dazzling as the sunshine beaming in from outside. “Cassidy said we could make anything we want.”

  Trevor scanned the potpourri of arts and crafts supplies. Construction paper, crayons, cotton balls, pipe cleaners, clay, glue sticks, scissors, and a dozen other items covered the table from edge to edge. He carried his gaze upward, and Cassidy briefly met his eyes. They were round, clear, and fixed, as if he were trying to climb into her head and decode her thoughts. She lowered her gaze to the pot of vegetarian chili, a recipe she’d stumbled across while surfing the Web. Solidly aware of Trevor as he neared the stove, she gripped the spoon tighter, stirring the entire time, attempting to hide any clue of inner misery.

  “Cassidy,” he acknowledged in a scratchy whisper, stopping beside her.

  She turned toward him, and the two kissed on the mouth, a brief action, something one might see on a 1960s sitcom. Trevor laid his hand on Cassidy’s back, and her spine became a stiff line. “Dinner will be ready soon.” She posted a smile, but it was taut with artificial joy.

  The hand on her back remained as Trevor inched the front of his body against her side. He lowered his head, and his full warm lips pressed into her cheek as he caressed her with the tip of his tongue. She poked up her shoulder, insisting he stop. He got the message and dropped his hand from her back, although his feet stayed rooted. “Why are you acting like this?”