Silver White Winters

by Candice Sue Patterson

  As if woken by the sound of Raelynn’s stomach, Mama entered the room, her long black hair braided down her back. “You’re up early. Didn’t sleep well?”

  “Not really. Did I wake you?”

  The dim light of the kitchen cast a faint glow over Mama’s face. “No. Is something wrong?”

  Raelynn stood and went for the solace of the coffee pot. She poured two cups and handed one to Mama. “I don’t know. I feel…restless. Uneasy.”

  Mama put her hand on Raelynn’s shoulder. “What about?”

  “Life.” Raelynn held the mug to her lips, testing the temperature before taking a sip. “I miss him.”

  “Lane?”

  Raelynn nodded.

  Mama’s age lines deepened, and she pulled Raelynn into a hug with her free arm, resting her chin on Raelynn’s forehead after she’d placed a kiss. “I know you’ve never wanted to talk about it before, but what’s the real reason you left?”

  A log in the wood stove popped. A cloud of sorrow thickened Raelynn’s throat. She whispered, “I was afraid of becoming you.”

  Mama pulled away, hand over her heart. “What do you mean?”

  “You had dreams of being a singer once. But then came Daddy, us kids…death, the poverty—I saw it all as a prison sentence.” Raelynn eased away, walked to the window, and fixed her gaze on the pin drop of light above the mountains, shocked she’d voiced all that aloud. “I wanted to be more than just a housewife with twenty screaming kids and a husband whose means of providing for his family would probably kill him. I didn’t want to struggle and fight. Wonder what could’ve been.”

  Mama put down her mug, walked up behind Raelynn, and wrapped her arms around Raelynn’s waist.

  “I wanted adventure, Mama.”

  A chuckle hit Raelynn’s ear. “Marriage is an adventure, robin. And motherhood is a trip of epic proportions.”

  Something Raelynn would probably never know. She leaned her head back and rested it on Mama’s shoulder. “Did I make a mistake leaving Lane?”

  “Only you can answer that.”

  Longing rose from the deepest place in her heart as she recalled how badly she’d wanted to kiss him yesterday. “I think I did.”

  “Have you talked to him about it?”

  “No.” Raelynn sighed and lifted her head. Mama’s arms fell away. “I apologized for leaving the way I did, not making any contact all these years.” His forgiveness pushed tears to her eyes. “We’ve agreed to put it in the past, be civil with each other. I can’t really ask for more than that.” She turned to face Mama.

  “Perhaps not.” Mama scooted to the wood stove and warmed her backside. “Jay called while you were gone yesterday. Said he hasn’t been able to reach you on your cellphone.”

  No doubt, since she turned it off after his lengthy text about the mine interview with that reporter who’d reminded Raelynn she was old news. Apparently, she was trending on social media, but it wouldn’t last long. It never did. “What did he want?”

  “I don’t know. I told him you were doing well and that I’d let you know he called.”

  He probably wanted to throw another rotten song her way.

  The dream of stardom that once consumed her life was more like a pile of smoldering ashes now. She’d left home to avoid the struggle and fighting, but she’d ended up doing so all the same. And the music award statues on her mantel in Nashville offered no comfort in the middle of the night, no pillow talk or heated passion. No love.

  “I’ll call him back.” Eventually.

  “He seemed worried about you.”

  “That’s Jay.”

  “He’s not the only one.”

  Raelynn turned back to the window.

  Orangey-purple streaked the sky. A blanket of snow glistened over the hills. Flakes fell, the large, fluffy kind that coaxed children outdoors, perfect for catching on the tongue.

  “I’m fine, Mama.”

  Which wasn’t exactly true.

  Mama joined her at the window. “Lane loves you. Something inside that boy died when you left, robin. It went on for so long, we wondered if he’d ever be right again. With time, he seemed to heal. But the way he looked at you at dinner the other night…well, there’s a lot of life left in that boy yet.”

  A chill ran down Raelynn’s spine. She wouldn’t allow herself to hope. Couldn’t. “Do you have any regrets? Not following your dreams, I mean.”

  Mama’s arms embraced her once more. “Oh, my little robin.” She kissed Raelynn’s temple. “When I fell in love with your daddy, my dreams changed. Fame and fortune paled in comparison to the life we could have together. You see, singing on the big stage was my dream, not God’s. When I realized that, I buried it and never looked back. So the answer is no. I don’t have a single regret.”

  No regrets. Oh, to live such a life. Now that Raelynn had lived the dream, could she ever walk away? “How did you bury it?”

  Mama took a few minutes before answering. “Take the snow for instance.” She pointed to the snowflakes frosting the edges of the window. “Each flake God crafted is beautiful and unique. Each one has a complex and intricate pattern. No two are the same. He sends them to earth for a purpose. Just like us.

  “He creates us all differently with a unique plan, giving different talents and abilities. Yes, I can sing, but chasing that dream didn’t fit His plan for my life. He called me to be a wife, a mother, and a member of the church choir.

  “Snow looks pretty simple from afar, but when you look closer, God’s majesty is revealed. We’re to use our talents for His honor and glory while we have the chance. Like the snow, when our season is over, we’ll melt away. It’s what we’ve done for Him that will matter in the end.”

  Raelynn studied the snow-crusted window and absorbed Mama’s words. Mama had been perfectly happy to live in these hills as a plain, ordinary woman. No regrets. That’s all Raelynn had.

  She’d been raised in church, doing her first public singing there, but that was about as far as she’d taken it. Sure, she’d gotten saved and baptized at a young age. But she’d never really sought after God, or asked Him what His plan was. It was her life, so she never really thought to consult Him. Maybe that was where she’d gone wrong.

  Even when she was on top—packed stadiums, screaming fans, awards, more money rolling in than she could stuff a mattress with—something in her life was missing. She’d assumed it was guilt over Lane. Now she wasn’t so sure. Was it God? Had He been trying to tell her something this whole time?

  A warm, unfamiliar feeling stirred in Raelynn’s chest. She turned, kissed Mama’s cheek, and went to her bedroom to get dressed.

  ~*~

  Lane flattened his palms against the shower wall, letting the hot water spray his back. Fatigue dogged his body, but he couldn’t sleep. He couldn’t do anything but think about Rae. Every room in the house held her presence now. To keep from going mad, he’d left yesterday afternoon for Charleston to buy new struts and brake pads he didn’t really need. Unfortunately, he’d taken her memory along. She was with him when he’d fixed the leaky kitchen faucet, cooked a tasteless dinner, and washed a load of laundry.

  He hadn’t bargained for Rae to reappear as quickly as she’d vanished. He’d fooled himself into believing forgiveness was the best option. He was a fool all right. It had taken him years to reach the point where he could live without her, and then he’d willingly put himself in the position to go through it all over again when she left. And she would leave.

  Why did he have a weakness for protecting her? Feel the need to save her from herself? He punched the tile and his knuckles throbbed. God, I know you have a purpose for all things, but what’s the point in this one?

  When he’d first been diagnosed, he’d prayed continually for healing. After watching what his Mama had gone through with the same disease, fear had gripped him by the throat. He’d tamed it through scripture and prayer. As the disease progressed, he’d resolved never to marry and sire a houseful of kids the
way he’d planned. He refused to let a family suffer through it. He sought comfort in the words of the apostle Paul.

  My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

  Lane may never know the reason for his sickness, but if Christ would be glorified through it, he’d shoulder the pain.

  Then Rae returned and scattered that resolve to debris, and now his life felt like the aftermath of an F-5 tornado. All the longing, the need, the bitter flavor of a life he’d never know erupted in his gut and boiled. She’d go back to her fan club, her million-dollar house, her paparazzi lifestyle, and he’d stay in the hollow and watch the mountain disintegrate along with his body.

  He loved Rae. As sure as snow fell in winter and melted in spring. Despite the hurt and betrayal, the miles that separated them, the distance their hearts had grown apart, he still loved her.

  Lane dropped his arms and stepped away from the wall. Steam swirled in the space above him. What now, God?

  ~*~

  The church was quiet. Raelynn had the sanctuary to herself. She lowered onto a wooden pew and stared at the small cross hanging on the wall inside the baptistery. This was the first time she’d been inside a church since she’d left home. Childhood memories surrounded her as she recalled singing hymns on the first stage she’d ever known. She remembered the smiling faces of the congregation, the fellowship dinners, the time she and Lane played Mary and Joseph in the Christmas play. No matter where she went, in life or in memory, all roads led back to Lane. Even the broken ones. “I messed up, didn’t I?”

  The cross didn’t speak, but she felt the answer in her heart. Had known it ever since Mama’s talk this morning. She just wasn’t sure where to go from here. The cross seemed to glow from the light spilling through the windows. She guessed prayer was as good a place to start as any.

  Raelynn bowed her head, unsure what to say to the God she’d ignored for most of her life. How did one approach the throne in shame? She closed her eyes and let words pour from her heart in hopes to bridge the gap so she might cross over. Tears trickled down her cheeks. Her heart swirled with heat.

  A phone shrieked through the sanctuary.

  Raelynn startled and frowned at the vibration in her coat pocket. She pulled out her cellphone and looked at the screen. Jay. She ignored the call, never should’ve turned the phone on when she’d reached town.

  Brushing away tears, Raelynn stood and glanced at the cross one last time before walking to the exit, her burdens lighter. A bulletin board caught her attention, decorated with red letters and paper snowflakes. “Hast thou entered into the treasures of the snow?” Job 38:22.

  Treasures. Mama had said people were like flakes of snow, fearfully, wonderfully, and purposefully made. Was she treasured by God? Could she be after everything she’d done?

  She inhaled a shaky breath and released it, pushing through the glass door to her car.

  Lane’s truck was parked next to hers. When she stopped, he turned off the engine and got out. His masculine form walking toward her, outlined by the pure white snow, was the most beautiful picture she’d ever seen. Raelynn’s heart switched gears.

  Lane stepped closer until they stood toe to toe. Stubble shadowed his serious mouth. Eyes fierce, though not in a dark and brooding way. He stared at her for a long time before he spoke. “Will you take a walk with me?”

  9

  An inch of snow crunched beneath Lane’s boots as he walked beside Rae down the road leading out of town. The sun made it warm enough for a walk.

  Rae buried her hands in the pockets of her red wool coat.

  He balled his fists in his pockets too, so he wouldn’t untangle the hair knotted in her collar. What was he was doing? He’d gone for a drive to clear his head and found Rae’s convertible in the church lot.

  When she’d emerged with wet cheeks and contentment on her face, Lane knew he’d been lead to the right place. What God wanted him to do now was the question.

  “How’s Drew?”

  “Fine. He left for Atlanta yesterday. We both promised to come home for Easter.”

  He ignored the pang in his chest at the thought of her leaving.

  She picked at her glove. “How did you know I’d be at the church?”

  Lane shrugged. “I’m stalking you.”

  Her mouth curled in a pretty grin. “Very funny.”

  At the edge of town, they rounded the curve toward Eden’s Creek. In half a mile, they’d reach the covered bridge, another stop he hadn’t planned to make today.

  As if it mattered. Everything in the hollow took him back to Rae somehow.

  She looked at him, opened her mouth, and then closed it.

  “What?”

  “I…well, when you fell asleep the other day, I grabbed the blanket from your bed to cover you up.”

  Did she think he hadn’t noticed? “Yeah, thanks.”

  Breath formed in front of her lips. “In the process of getting the blanket, I knocked your Bible to the floor. I saw your coaster bookmark.”

  His feet refused to move another step.

  She paused in front of him and turned, scraping her bottom lip between her teeth. “I’m curious how you got it.”

  This day was full of surprises. Lane sucked in cold air. Cleared the gravel in his throat. “I waited for you to come home for almost a year. When you didn’t, I went to Nashville to convince you to move back and marry me.”

  Her lips parted.

  “I found out where you worked. You weren’t scheduled the night I showed up, but the bartender told me you’d be at The Canary. I sat in the back and watched you perform. Saw how happy and natural you were on stage and I…I couldn’t do it.”

  She gripped the arm of his coat. “What did you do?”

  “Came home. I knew you’d have come back if you wanted to, and if marrying me wasn’t what you wanted, you’d only resent me in the end. I wanted you to want to be with me.”

  Rae looked away. Her fingers lost their grip and her hand fell to the side.

  “I realized your dreams didn’t include me, or you’d have asked me to go with you the first time.”

  She swallowed. “Would you have?”

  “No.” That life wasn’t for him. Any more than this life was for her. He tried to keep the sadness from his voice. “I’ve kept the coaster in my Bible ever since. A reminder to pray for you every day.”

  The desperation on her face walloped his chest. “You pray for me?” Tears collected on her lashes.

  One thing Lane had always loved about Rae was that she didn’t blubber over everything like other women did. When caught in a bind, she’d crack a joke or divert attention. But this Rae could generate the Hoover Dam. It ticked him off because it made him long to crush her to his chest and protect her. But ignoring his feelings hadn’t worked before. Why should now be any different?

  His legs remembered their purpose, and he continued moving, though the blasted things were leading him to the covered bridge instead of back to his truck.

  Rae caught up with him and they walked in silence.

  Along with prayer for her happiness and safety, he’d also prayed that God would remove her from his heart. That request remained unanswered. It wasn’t fair to love a woman he could never have. “Why are you here, Rae?”

  “You…you asked me to walk with you.”

  “No, I mean, why are you here? Don’t you have commitments? Concerts?”

  They reached the covered bridge.

  Lane stalked inside and a blast of anger rocked his bones. His boots thumped on the wood beams. Light broke the dimness through the open windows. Rae hung back as he paced, fighting a war between loving and despising her.

  Water bubbled over rocks in the creek below. The last time they were here together…wow, they’d still been kids. He’d meant every word he said to her that day, even if she hadn’t meant hers. Lane heard a sniffle
behind him.

  Rae stood by the window in the middle of the bridge, the one that offered the best view of the creek. Her fingers brushed the heart he’d carved into the beam with his pocket knife. Lane + Raelynn 4 Ever. The day he’d proposed.

  “I’m sorry.” Another sniffle. “Once again, I’m only thinking about myself. This must be hard for you, me showing up after all this time. I’ll go.”

  She made it to the next window before he found words. “Why were you in rehab?”

  Odd question at such a moment. He’d heard rumors, of course, but wanted to hear it from her. Know exactly what scars she carried.

  She stopped but kept her back to him. “I had a hard time keeping up with everything—the tour, TV and radio interviews, commercials, rehearsals. At one point, they even mentioned a book. There were times I’d perform in Georgia and have to be in California the next day. I was tired.”

  Rae turned, and his heart sank. So beautiful, yet so broken.

  She wiped the tears from her cheeks and returned her hands to her pockets. “I was too stubborn to admit I needed to slow down. A friend introduced me to a doctor, who prescribed some medications. An upper to keep me going. A downer to help me sleep. A pill to calm me when I was stressed. I was a walking pharmacy.” She stared out the window. The light revealed her red-rimmed eyes. “I started experimenting with other things. When Jay found me in my dressing room strung out on pain killers and vodka, he checked me into rehab.”

  Horrible images of the picture she painted made his gut wrench. Rae was used to slow mountain living. He could see where the chaos would be hard to keep up with. “Both times?”

  Rae closed her eyes, but not before he’d glimpsed the anguish she was trying to hide. “There’s a lot of pressure to look perfect. Especially on camera. I started workouts with a personal trainer after the studio suggested I lose thirty pounds.” Her eyes opened to reveal a grieving, hollow woman. “I stopped eating.”