Uncle Gary's Campfire Stories: Bayou Zombie Werewolves

by Visada, J. L. M.

  Each bite brought them closer to the center. Eventually they both took a bite, and two things happened. First, Debra’s head rolled back, and then fell off onto the ground with a meaty thud. Somewhere along the way, one if not both of the men had gnawed through the bones in her neck. The second thing that happened was both men’s lips met in the middle like a macabre Lady and the Tramp. Both men recoiled in horror at the realization that they’d effectively just kissed. As they moved away Debra’s body slumped to the ground.

  “Okay…nobody ever hears that last part…EVER!” Cletus Redford snapped.

  “Oh yeah, like I’m gonna just go around talking about how I kissed a man. That wasn’t exactly a highlight of my week Cletus. Besides, I’m not the one that stuck his tongue out.” Bob growled.

  “It wasn’t for you! Dammit, I was trying to lick the blood out, and you got in the way.”

  “Sure…well either way I call dibs on her head.” Bob said as he reached down and snatched the head up by the hair.

  “That’s my brain Bob…you take the body.”

  Bob shook his head, “Nope, I called it.”

  Cletus reached for his gun and pulled it out, “Well I’m uncalling it! Now hand over the head.”

  “Fuck you!” Bob started to bite down just above Debra’s left ear.

  *Bang*

  “You shot me!” Bob snapped. He looked down at his chest. The vest had caught the bullet perfectly.

  “You’re damn right I shot you. Now give me the head.”

  *Bang*

  Cletus’s body twisted and fell as Bob’s bullet struck him in the leg. He’d pulled the gun out so quickly that Cletus hadn’t realized it until the gun had fired. Cletus screamed, “You asshole! I at least had the decency to shoot you in the vest. Now look at this shit. My pants are ruined.”

  “You started it.”

  “Did not.”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “Nuh-uh.” As if to punctuate his argument, Cletus aimed the gun at Bob’s thigh.

  *Bang*

  “You dick!” Bob spat.

  “Now we’re even.”

  “We are not.”

  “Yes we-“

  *Bang-Bang*

  Bob put two rounds in both of the man’s kneecaps.

  Cletus fell onto the ground. His body wouldn’t hold him up anymore. “Oh this is bullshit. How am I supposed to drive now? I can’t press the gas.”

  “Maybe you should have thought about that when you started this crap!” Bob said as he started to have a celebratory bite of Debra Kuhn’s skull.

  *Bang-Bang*

  “How do you like it jerkwad?” Cletus laughed.

  Bob was lying on the ground. Bullets had shattered both his knees, and he fell like an old oak that had been cut down. The impact with the ground caused him to drop his prize. Debra Kuhn’s head bounced on the ground and rolled down towards the treeline.

  “See what you did? Now it’s gonna be all dirty.” Bob growled.

  Both men started crawling towards the head. It was a race, and in this race they were both prepared to cheat to win. As they crawled, the men shot one another. Each trying to cripple the other so that they couldn’t reach the head, and by the time they both reached the head they were just barely able to crawl. Bob and Cletus’s were both reduced to one arm. If not for their newfound strength, they probably wouldn’t have been able to move at all. They both reached out and just barely touched it.

  “It’s mine!” Cletus screamed. He then pulled his hand back to shoot his friend of ten years just under the armpit. He was aiming for the heart.

  “Fuck you!” Bob screamed back as he put the gun to Cletus’s head and pulled the trigger.

  *Click*

  “Ha-ha! You never could count for shit.” Cletus laughed.

  “But you know what I can do?” Bob asked.

  “What?”

  “Beat the ugly off of you!” Immediately he began whacking the other deputy with the butt of his gun. Cletus fought back almost immediately. The two men beating one another on the back and head with their guns. As they fought, a wild dog crept out of the woods and snatched up the head. It moved so quickly and quietly that neither man realized what happened until the dog was almost back into the woods.

  “Shit…see what you did.” Cletus yelled before throwing his gun at the wild dog in a last ditch attempt to save the head.

  “What I did? You started this!” Bob snapped, as he flung his gun after the dog as well.

  “Nuh-uh!”

  “Uh-huh!”

  Both men then resumed beating on one another. Meanwhile, the wild dog sat just past the tree line and began chewing on its meal. It watched as the two men clubbed one another. Each using their only working arm for everything it was worth. The dog kept eating and watching the two men with intense interest. It had most of the neck eaten off when Debra’s eyes opened back up. They darted around in terror, but eventually focused. She tried to speak, but nothing happened. The dog kept eating.

  An idea came to her. She stuck her tongue out like bait and waited. The dog saw the pink flesh and bit down almost immediately. As soon as it did, Debra pulled her tongue in, and then bit down on the dog. It screamed, but Debra wouldn’t let go. In a panic, the dog ran in circles trying to get away. Then it broke back out of the tree line towards the two deputies. They saw the dog and both struck it as it ran by. The dog’s spine shattered, and it slid to the ground. Debra’s head rolled back towards her body.

  The two men were both badly broken. Even their good arms didn’t work properly after pounding on one another for so long. Still they both crawled slowly over to the woman’s head. The infection had spread, and now they no longer wanted to eat her.

  “Sorry.” Cletus Redford said.

  “Yeah…I guess we got a little carried away.” Bob said.

  Debra couldn’t speak, but she did look at Cletus and mouth, “Fuck you!” Then her eyes rolled over to Bob as she mouthed with equal venom, “And fuck you!”

  Chapter Fourteen

  The Ford Explorer’s wheels screamed around the corner, nearly threatening to roll over before continuing off into the night. “Shit! Colton slow down before you kill us.”

  Colton let up on the gas pedal, “What the hell just happened back there?”

  “Zombies.”

  “There are no such thing as zombies Bobby. They don’t exist.”

  “Well maybe you’d like to turn around and give them that little bit of information.”

  As if to answer, Colton pressed back down on the gas to get away even more quickly. After a few moments he shook his head, “Poor Achmed.”

  “Poor Achmed? Poor Achmed! Fuck Achmed from his shoes all the way to that dot on his head, and back again! He was trying to eat me.” Bobby screamed.

  “Yeah, but before all this he was a pretty nice guy. He’d let me have any sweets in the store that were about to expire for free. He’d even put them in a bag, and then just give them to me when I showed up. They tasted a little stale, but it was better than nothing. He was a real nice guy.”

  “So he gives you a stale Twinkie and you suddenly are pals? Wait a minute aren’t you supposed to be avoiding sweets?”

  “Yeah.” Colton said sheepishly.

  “Didn’t you make some kind of deal with your wife about not eating sweets?” Bobby asked. His tone sounding more irritated.

  “Yes.” Colton’s voice was full of embarrassment. “The doctor wanted me eating what amounted to rabbit food, but I’m not about to do that shit. So Sarah made me a deal that if I cut out sweets then she’d make me all these delicious home cooked meals. Anything I want as long as I don’t eat sweets and get some exercise in every day.”

  “You’re cheating on your wife with Ho Hos. Sarah’s going to be pissed.” Bobby growled.

  “I’m weak, and I need the extra sugar for all that exercise I’ve been getting.”

  “What exercise? Getting your fat ginger ass out of that seat is just about the most exercise I
’ve ever seen you do.”

  “Yeah, but if Sarah asks…I’ve been taking walks around the block at the station.”

  “Bullshit! I’m not lying to Sarah. So you need the sweets to help fuel you for the exercise you aren’t getting. Jesus man what the hell is wrong with you?”

  “I am getting exercise. I’ve lost almost twenty pounds. If I wasn’t wearing this belt my pants would be around my ankles.”

  “Okay, I admit you do look a little thinner, but you aren’t exercising. I don’t even think you can do a pushup. Sarah is gonna shit a brick when she finds out, and you know she’s gonna find out right? I mean let’s be honest. You aren’t nearly smart enough to keep if from her.”

  Colton pulled over to the side of the road, “You’re right. I admit it, but I have a plan. What I’m about to tell you stays between us…you understand.”

  Bobby glared at his best friend, “Okay, but if this is something that hurts your wife…I’m kicking your ass.”

  Colton took a deep steadying breath, “Okay, so you know she’s making me anything I want for dinner right.”

  “Yeah.”

  “And you know how she thinks I’m exercising right?”

  “Get to the point.” Bobby growled in suspicion.

  “Well…she’s been rewarding me for all my hard work.” Colton grinned.

  “Rewarding you? How has she been rewarding you?”

  “Really? You can’t figure that out?” Colton stared at the man, and waited for him to finally get it.

  Eventually he did, and the grin on Bobby’s face went from ear to ear, “Oh…OH…you dog!”

  “It was a couple times a week if I was lucky, and now it has gone to a couple times a day…minimum.”

  “Damn! You really are a lucky man. So what’s your plan?” Bobby asked.

  Colton smiled wickedly, “I keep my mouth shut and hope she never catches on, and eventually I die from a massive heart attack one of these times when she’s rewarding me. Ouch!” Colton rubbed his arm after being punched.

  “She’s going to catch you, and that’s a stupid plan.”

  “Are you kidding? It’s brilliant. I mean let’s be honest, at this rate either she’s going to break something on me, or I’m going to keel over dead. Frankly I need the comfort food just to survive all the humping at home. I nearly passed out yesterday, and she doesn’t take no for an answer.”

  Bobby laughed, “Wait a minute? You told her no?”

  “Well I start to. Then she starts taking off her shirt, and before I know it I’m yanking off my pants and-“

  “Stop right there. The last thing I want to hear is what your fat ginger ass is doing to her. I don’t think I’d be able to look her in the eyes again.” Bobby grinned.

  Colton slapped his friend in the shoulder, “Jerk! So are you going to keep my secret?”

  “No. You’re going to tell her. Then you’re going to take your lumps, and then you’re going to start actually getting exercise.”

  “But I’m already getting exercise. I told you that I lost twenty pounds. I’m practically wasting away.”

  “You’ve got a long way to go before you waste away. You’ve gone from lard ass to fat ass. So you’re going to tell your wife, you’re going to start exercising, and you are going to never…EVER…lie to her again. I mean how stupid are you anyway? That woman is a ten, and that’s only because eleven isn’t an option. You’re going to fuck all that up because you want a hostess cupcake?” Bobby’s voice was angry, but concerned.

  “I’m weak. I see sweets, and I just start drooling.” Colton hung his head in shame.

  “Jesus, show some self-control. Sarah deserves better than to have a knuckleheaded husband sneaking around on her over a fucking donut.” Bobby snapped. “Now can we stop this touchy-feely bullshit? It’s giving me a bad case of the gay.”

  “The gay? Seriously?”

  Bobby ignored his friend’s questions, “Did you ever find out where the deputies SUVs went?”

  Colton slumped, “Damn…with everything that just happened. I forgot.” The tubby redhead reached into his pocket, pulled out a phone, and handed it to his friend. “Can you call Sarah while I get on the computer and check with Lisa to see if they towed the vehicles?”

  “Sure, but they’re probably zombies.” Bobby said it as simply as if he’d said. “They’re all left handed.”

  “Don’t even joke like that. Now call my wife, and tell her I’ll be late getting in tonight.” Colton sneered, but coming from a short fat redhead with freckles…it was far from intimidating.

  Bobby shrugged and dialed Sarah’s number. It rang a few times before Sarah picked up, “Hey baby. I’m wearing that little pink thong you like so much, and nothing else.”

  Bobby had meant to say something…anything. He just couldn’t remember what it was. He wasn’t ignorant of Sarah’s beauty. It’d been something he’d done his best to make peace with a long time ago. There was an unwritten rule that said a man does not fantasize about his best friend’s wife. Bobby always tried his hardest to follow that rule, but some days were easier than others. The first day of spring when she’d lays out in her bikini is always a bad day. Bobby learned pretty quickly to just go fishing or something and avoid his friend’s house altogether around that time. There were other times that made things awkward. Halloween was always a rough day because no matter what she wore. It was going to be sexy as hell. Christmas wasn’t so good either, but it had gotten better as his daughter grew up. When B.J. was a kid Colton would often show up dressed as Santa which always made Bobby laugh. The sight of a really short, fat, redheaded Santa with freckles was just silly. The problem was that Sarah would dress as a very sexy Mrs. Clause. If that didn’t make things difficult enough, Bobby was always careful to avoid the mistletoe. He’d slipped up once, and the expression on his face when Sarah kissed him earned him two weeks on the couch from his now ex-wife. So there were good days and bad. It was mostly good as long as he was careful not to really be alone with her for any length of time so that he didn’t find himself in a bad situation. Right now would definitely have fallen in the bad situation category.

  Sarah, for her part, was completely oblivious to the effect she had on Bobby. As far as she was concerned he was Colton’s best friend before they were married, and he would probably be his best friend until the day one of them died. That fact alone made him family as far as she was concerned. So she didn’t think about how he might feel if she just came up and hugged him, and by anyone’s standards she was an epic hugger. She also didn’t consider what might go through his head if she showed up in something skimpy. He was like a brother…just part of the family. So if he knocked on the door she might just wrap herself in a towel so small that it was like a constant tug-of-war to make sure that her breasts and her…everything else was covered. Then she’d go downstairs dripping wet, open the door, point him towards the kitchen to offer him a beer, and then go back upstairs still dripping wet to finish her shower. If anyone else had knocked she’d have asked them through the door to wait on the front porch until she was fully clothed, but with Bobby she just didn’t grasp that he’d even look at her the way a man might look at a woman. She honestly believed he’d see her the way a man might see his sister…as something very vaguely feminine, but not in any way sexual. Sarah had no idea how wrong she was, and Bobby tried his best to keep her from ever finding out because he loved them both. They were family.

  “Baby come home. I need my daily dose of Big Red, and I need it so bad I can barely wait. If you don’t come home soon I might have to start without you.” Her voice was just silky smooth seduction. Bobby felt himself stiffen like he was a teenager again. He couldn’t even speak. Unfortunately Sarah interpreted that as her husband really enjoying the conversation, and so she decided to fight dirty, “Oh baby, I want you home so bad. I just want you to bend me over the kitchen table and do that thing you did last Thursday. My nipples are getting hard just thinking about it. Come home…I’m so wet th
at I can’t hardly stand it, and I just want you inside me. I’ll do anything you want…anything at all. I’ll even let you-”

  He never heard the rest. In a desperate attempt to avoid hearing anymore, and out of fear that he’d never be able to look Sarah in the face ever again Bobby tossed the phone at Colton. It struck him right in the forehead. “Ouch. You son of a bitch! What was that for?”

  “Nothing.” Bobby wouldn’t even look at his friend. He couldn’t even think clearly enough to make up a good excuse. Unfortunately for Bobby…the phone rang again. Colton, being still busy with his dispatcher, tried to hand the phone back to his friend. Bobby looked at the phone like it was a poisonous snake ready to strike and said nervously, “Nope.”

  “I’m a little busy. Take the damn phone.”

  “Nuh-uh.” Bobby wouldn’t even turn to face him. He just stared straight forward, and pretended like nothing was happening.

  It was Colton’s first clue that something was wrong. He stopped typing back and forth with his dispatcher, and answered, “Colton here.”

  “Why’d you hang up? I was just getting to the best part.” Sarah asked.

  “Best part of what?” Colton said in confusion.

  “Best part of what? Either I’m off my game, or you really are getting spoiled when you can turn your nose up at some Grade-A phone sex.” Sarah said. Colton could tell she was a little hurt by her voice.

  Colton eyed Bobby, who looked like he was ready to crawl into a hole and bury himself. “Honeypie…I wasn’t on the phone. That was Coonass.”

  “Oh Shit. Oh baby I’m sorry. I wouldn’t have…well you know I wouldn’t have if I’d have known it wasn’t you. I just assumed. Tell Bobby I’m sorry.” Sarah was embarrassed. By the sound of her voice, and the expression on Bobby’s face, Colton just couldn’t stop laughing. At first Sarah sounded annoyed, but when Colton explained how Bobby looked right at that moment, and how he’d acted when she started really going into details. Even Sarah couldn’t help but laugh, “Oh God…please tell Bobby I’m sorry about that. I’ll make it up to him.”